Wake me when it´s over

Photosource:unknown

What I really want for Christmas?

Let me crawl into bed and somebody wake me when it´s over...

The cooking...

The cleaning...

The noise...

The same conversations...

I don´t have the energy for it all...

I just want it to be over with.

I´d love to just climb into bed and wake up in 2012

I´ll feel differently next year... but this year, it feels like it will never end!

Old Friends...

Photosource: Unknown

Friends are the people that can sing back the song in your heart when you´ve forgotten the words...

I miss my school friends... they knew a “me” that recent friends didn´t get to know... they know who I was before who I am... and sometimes, you need to be reminded...

1995

On a cloudy morning, I arrived at school with baggy eyes. There had been another argument at home and I hadn´t gotten much sleep. In those days I dealt with drama the only way a thirteen year old knew how – I wrote a letter to my best friend and gave it to her while we waited for the school bell to announce the beginning of classes.

As my best friend read my letter, “She” came around... teased me about something and then grabbed the letter from my best friend. At that point, I was annoyed and dealt with it in my usual way – I pleaded that she´d give it back. My best friend however was more feisty that I was and after trying to grab it back, “She” pushed her.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep... I definitely didn´t take on too well on someone pushing my friend... most probably i´d just had enough...

So I grabbed her by the collar and threw her threw the open door.

Clearly taken by surprise, it took her a few seconds to recompose and then try and push me.

Again, I grabbed her by the collar and threw her against the nearest tables.

I hadn´t realised I pushed her so hard until I saw the chairs fall over...

And then there was the cheering... I don´t think I ever heard my classmates ever cheer me on for anything and it felt good... too good...

So I picked her up and threw her again... and again... and again...

Funny thing is, all through the fight, I was worried that i´d hurt her, so I kept throwing her towards the blunt tables, where I knew she wouldn’t get too hurt.

At one point, she got up... and ran out the class faster than a jumbo jet takes off...

Since I was the one that “threw” the first punch, I got detention and my dad was called to the school. Great! More drama!

I got out of the principal’s office, went to fetch my bag and made my way downstairs to my next class... as I went down the stairs, I saw her..

“She” was waiting for me... and I readied myself for Round 2...

But instead, she grabbed my hand and told me that she was sorry and asked me if we could forget about the incident.

Phew! – Here I was worried that I might not be so lucky in round 2 – “She” was butch and not afraid of me... and clearly the more mature of the two... or so I thought...

2011

I don´t know how “She” found me on facebook... but I was happy to see her name. “She” was the first black student to ever set foot in our school and I´d always admired her courage and self-confidence...

On one particular night, we recalled that cloudy morning...

As it so happens, she no longer remembers the reason why the fight started, she distinctly remembers running out of the classroom and the reason she apologised is because she was afraid that my dad would be called in – because according to her, back then everybody´s dad is big and scary!

Isn´t it funny how two people can have distinct perspectives on the same memory?... just goes to show that you don´t really know what´s going on in someone else´s head.

According to her, the little girl that seemed self-confident to me was really close to peeing in her pants the day she got introduced to her new class.

Knowing this hasn´t changed my perspective of her – she´s still one of those women that I will always reference to – one of the most courageous women I know.

Sometimes, we´re so busy amplifying our own fears and insecurities that we don´t realise that the people around us are too busy looking at theirs to even notice ours.

Keep your old friends – they remind you of who you were and how far you´ve come.

Thanks guys =)

Stuck in an elevator...

Photosource: Unknown

I often catch myself saying “that only happens in the movies…” but I never stop to consider that if “that” was put in a movie maybe there´s something to it… as it so happens, in real life we are but fortune´s fools… so why can´t certain things that we look for in movies happen in real life? As it so happens… I experienced one of those moments…

Imagine being stuck in an elevator… an old one… those tiny ones that closer with a running latch that squeak as they go up and down…

Four women looking drop dead gorgeous panic as the elevator stops but doesn´t open the door.

The alarm button doesn´t work…

The emergency phone number is one of those old one´s that went out of service years ago… and inside the elevator the air is getting thick and stuffy…

They bang on the door and shout for help… somebody replies but no one knows where they elevator key is… nobody will tell them on what floor they are on.

Luckily, in this scene, one of them still has network and battery… so she calls her husband – the IT guy, who knows nothing about elevators but knows that if he calls the general emergency number – they´ll put him through to the fire brigade.

And that´s how it happened…

40 minutes later 5 young, eager and fully uniformed firemen opened the elevator door to find 4 gorgeous damsels in distress…

As the door opened and I glanced upon the faces of my saviours, I took a few seconds to take a deep breath… and burst out laughing!

As it so happens, the belle´s in the elevator were drop dead gorgeous thanks to the make-up workshop they´d just left and the real hero is my IT husband that remembered to call the emergency number...

To me it felt like one of those cheesy scenes from a movie… as it so happens, I wasn´t the only one laughing as they opened the door – according to my husband, it looked more like a scene from a porn movie… Go figure!

Useless rambling...

Photosource: Unknown

It once again occurs to me that we are no more that fate´s puppets, that none of us truly have hold of our destiny and that no matter what choices we make there are obstacles in our path that we simply can´t avoid.
Easy isn´t it… to consider that we have no control of what happens, yet knowing that every consequence originates from a decision you make.
Because everything you do and say makes a difference.
Ironic isn´t it? That you have the power of choice in your hands and that even so the outcome isn´t in your control.
All my life I´ve fought for control because I refused to be fate´s fool and because I knew that whatever I wanted from life – I´d have to fight for it.
But it´s not all up to me.
I don´t get to decide it all… and there are times when it´s simply not my place or my choice.
The older I grow, the more I ponder.
It has nothing to do with age or fear or even because I have more to lose than before.
It´s about consciousness, seeing and knowing how much of what I decide affects those around me.
It used to bother me that nobody took my words and thoughts seriously.
Now it bothers me how much influence my opinion has on the decisions people make.

I´m Angry,
Frustrated,
and Hurt

I wish I could rearrange the pieces of a puzzle and build a different picture.
And if only I could turn off the problems of the world, I could enjoy the happiness I own.
But my heart has always bled for those I care about and it´s hard to smile when one of them weeps.

More control, sometimes I wish I had the power to make a bigger difference
But who am I to say what is wrong or right in the world?
Am I to trust that the universe knows what it´s doing?
Or should I fear that fortune should look upon on me as its next fool to toy with.
There´s a fine line between selflessness and selfishness
Only our hearts know the differences and the similarities between them.

Sometimes I feel like writing
Other times I want to scream
Too often I´ve felt like crying
Mostly it all stays silent in my heart.

It´s amazing what can change in one year.

(Obrigado Amor pela força que me dás em dias tristes. Pelo Amor, a Amizade e a Paciência com que me aturas… e por lembrares-me de todas as coisas boas que me fazem sorrir… mesmo em momentos amargos, fazes-me saborear o doce. Ao teu lado eu sou Feliz.)

Reevaluations

Photosource: Unknown

The older I get, the more I realise that the most precious thing you´ll ever own is time… Your whole life is based on how you manage time and what you do with it.
Love, Friendship, Career… even your hobbies, take time.
It´s not quite a question of whether you have it or not – we all get the same amount a day and yet as we look around us it seems that everyone else gets more or less time than we do.
No one has the right amount of time on their hands.
Either they´re suffocated by the excess of time that slowly refuses to pass… or they have so little of it that it seems there´s never enough of it to get everything done.
I´m in the latter phase.
It seems like regardless of the effort I invest in getting things done, I just can´t do it all.
I prioritize, make sure I get the important things done first but even so as I close my eyes just before I go to sleep, I feel like i´ve cheated myself with time.
The older I get, the more intolerant I become to people who waste my time.
I hate queues.
I hate waiting.
I resent the time I invest in those that don´t appreciate it.
Perhaps it´s time I stop giving minutes and hours to that and those that wouldn´t do the same for me…
Because once you´ve given it, you can´t take it back.

25 Minutes to Midnight

I just finished the last of my summaries on English Literature and realise that even with the long weekend… I’m have one subject behind.
Will I ever manage to catch up?
These days all I do is sleep, work, study and worry…
I wish I had more hours…
I wish I had a magic wand even if it were just to fix the things in the lives of the people around me… I wish I had the powers of a fairy godmother.
I’m tired, and often I wonder about the sacrifices I’m putting the people around me through just so I can chase after my dream.
The butterfly on my ankle was put there to remind me of my own strength and to remind me what I’ve overcome and am capable of coming through.
These days she looks a bit faded…
Lately it’s my man’s persistence that gets me out of bed, which forces me to concentrate even though it cracks at my nerves to hear the vacuum cleaner accusing me of not participating in the chores…
It seems like he has more faith in me than I do.
My right hand has been substituted by my mother-in-law who is no less than an angel who not only irons baskets full of clothes but even mends an item here and there. I feel guilty when she even offers to do the washing; it seems like even that I can’t get done on time!
Having people work around me makes me feel useless and tardy and embarrassed that I can’t hold my own fort.
But I humbly recognize that without this help, I simply couldn’t embrace this three year project that seems to be more for my self-achievement than an actual career advance.
I learnt early in life that you need to fight for everything you achieve in life.
I’m learning now that you can’t do everything alone.
I still wish I had a magic wand…
…but grateful that I don’t need one to make my niece smile.

Morning Murder

photosource: unknown

Every morning the alarm clock goes off just before 6am
This doesn´t mean I go to bed early – it only means I get up early!
It also means that I’m deprived of sleeping time.
So the first thing I do when I seat myself on the train is put by backpack on top of the air-conditioning, lean my head to the side and catch up on my snooze…
43minutes of nap time is crucial for me to arrive at work in a good mood, so why is it that some morning I get off the train wanting to strangle every living thing around me?
Chickens!!!
I call them chickens because of their annoying cackling!
Unlike normal people who talk quietly on trains – these loud hens have to make sure that everyone on the train carriage knows that they prefer the train to the bus because it´s safer and because there is no traffic to scare them, or that they can hear their neighbour making noise after hours…
Not only do they enlighten every living soul condemned to be sitting in the same carriage with them to knowing this useless piece of information, but they also take 43 whole minutes elaborating on these two pieces of very interesting information to make sure everyone got the picture…
Road Rage?!!! Foul mood?!!!
One morning train ride with these blabbermouths and you´ll also develop homicidal tendencies!

Kalash´s Adventures

Photo source: Luis Sardinha

This page has been temporarily taken over by the dog… Kalash… that’s me…. The cute furry thing in the photo above.
My owner has been quite busy as of late and I decided that she wouldn’t mind me loaning her space while she concentrates on other things…
It’s not like I have anything better to do: I eat, I sleep, I play with my toys and I spend the rest of my free time waiting for my owners to come home and dreaming about our next outing!
I love outings! I love it when they take me to new places and I get to run around and sniff new things!
The last trip we went on was awesome!
We went to a village up north called Leomil and stayed in a self-sufficient tourist lodging. The place was awesome! Plenty of space to run around and lots of new people to pet me! Hehehe…
You can´t please everyone though – there was a nasty bitch that seemed to like everyone but me! Nina, the Portuguese shepherd crossed with an Alsatian was ready to pounce on me anytime I got close and she really had a fit when my owners took me to the picnic spot where she likes to sleep… as far as I´m concerned she´s just jealous because Boris, the male, prefers darker and shorter hair such as mine.

Boris - Photo source: Luis Sardinha

I couldn´t make friends with the cats either – none of them would even come close and even Toby, the only one that did come closer, wouldn´t let me sniff him. I reckon that he wouldn´t even stick around if it weren´t for the fact that he was enjoying my owner´s lap! He´s pretty cute when he sticks out his fur and nails and makes funny sounds everytime I come close by – my owner wasn´t impressed though, I don´t think she enjoyed the scratches Toby left her on her neckline. Hehehe… and that´s how you get your owner to divert her undivided attention back to you – better luck next time Toby!

Toby - Photo source: Luis Sardinha

Boris was an awesome buddy though, we went for a walk up a hill to look at the wind power generators and he came along. After an hour I could barely lift my paws but Boris was still ready to go another few kilometres. He only showed a glimpse of weariness when we eventually got to the generators.

wind power generators - Photo source: Luis Sardinha

My owners let us have a rest and it was all downhill from there which was great news because at the rate that my paws were hurting me, I was considering making my owners carry me the rest of the way!
I couldn´t believe my eyes when we finally got to the end of the walk! Green grass, a pool of fresh, cool water and best of all… children to pet me!
Of all people, I love children most of all – they play with me more and pet me longer than adults!

The drink before the fall - Photo source: Luis Sardinha

I was having a drink of fresh cool water from the make-shift pool when I caught a fright and did something silly… I was so concentrated on filling my hump with water that I didn´t notice my owner getting ready for a dive into the pool. I was caught by surprise and instinct kicked in… as I began to run way I forgot that the opposite direction of the wall was a big fat nothing and before I realised it I was falling into thin air and landed on rocks.
It wasn´t too longer after I landed that my owner was next to me feeling me all over – she looked like she´d seen a ghost! I reckon she was checking for broken bones but all I really got was fright, a couple of bruises and a scratched nose. You couldn´t tell that I was bruised though – another advantage of my luscious black coat!
And don´t let this episode fool you into believing it was misfortune – moments later a van pulled up filled with more children and everyone got a turn at giving me some tender loving care! TLC baby! I´d scratch my nose all over again for some more of that! hehehe

TLC!!! Photo source: Luis Sardinha

By the end of the night I could barely move so sore I was from the day´s activities! Not even the smell of barbecued chicken for dinner got my tail wagging! I was grateful when my owners finally let me sleep on my pillow!

If you think I spent the rest of the day resting, you´re sourly mistaken. When my owners go on an outing, they go everywhere!
Early the next day we were off to Sever de Vouga, there we stopped at Cabreira cascade where we were met by fresh water, beautiful scenery and… more people to pet me!
I soon forgot about my aching paws as I splashed around in the small pool where the water poured. My owners first occupied themselves taking photos but soon they also rendered to the fresh water and put on their swimming gear.
Aveiro was next on the itinerary; we had lunch then drove around some more. We stopped for ice-cream just before going to Barra Beach… and ended the trip with a beer at a charming café with a mini golf course. Thankfully my owners decided it was too late to play mini golf, because at this stage my paws were so sore that I needed a little help hopping back into the car.

There´s no place like home and by the time we were on the freeway I decided that I could finally lie down and rest… I wonder where we´re going to next time!... I hope there´s children there!


Exhausted! Photo source: Luis Sardinha

I do... I still do... I always will.

Photosource: Marco Clara

Staring at the flashing cursor on the blank Microsoft Word page, I have the complete notion that no matter what I write and how well I edit it – no matter how much effort I put into this post, it can never do justice to describe the happiest day of my life.

27th of February 2010

For most a rainy and chilly day better spent indoors – for me, the perfect day to put on the prettiest dress I own and celebrate with the people I care most about the love I share with the man I chose to wake up with every morning for the rest of my life.
Until this day, to me a wedding was nothing more than an expensive party filled with excesses, a ritual unnecessary to unite two people.
People are together because they want to be together and they stay together because they choose to – it’s not a signed contract that guarantees a relationship.
It’s this belief and the witnessing of so many failed marriages that kept me uninterested… until…
He asked… so sweetly, so unexpectedly that disinterest suddenly transformed into something really important, maybe it had always been – the opportunity to celebrate something I knew I already had with the people I care about.
For months, all I could think about was the one day I would join all the people I care about under one roof... it was this thought that kept me focused each time we had to fork out another exorbitant amount of money for something else we hadn’t thought of but needed for that day.
I distinctly recall the panic I felt each time I saw the numbers rising on our budget and the guilt I felt knowing that the amount we spent with that one single day, we could’ve bought our much needed car instead.
However, if I knew then what I know now – even if our wedding had cost the double of what we paid, I’d still do it all over again.
No one can evaluate what that one single day meant to me, it was simply priceless.

One week before

My stomach churned as I picked my mother up at the airport. Although nobody spoke about it, I knew all four of us had the same nervous feeling at the pit of our stomachs.
It would be the first time the four of us were together in nine years and a lot had happened since then.
I knew my parents would be good for my wedding, I also knew that deep emotion and the bringing up of an intense past was inevitable.
It was time to make peace.
There are moments in life so intense that they take you back to another time in life when you were a child and felt incredibly vulnerable – that’s how I felt when I saw my parents greet each other for the first time in a long time…
My little brother had the same expression on his face as I had on mine. I wish he’d known them during those few years when they’d actually been friends.
Seven days gave him that opportunity.
I’ve never felt as much love and support from my parents as I did on the week before I got married.
If ever they made me doubt the whole institution of marriage, on that week they transformed me into a believer. Things might not have worked out for them in the long run – but the companionship they shared made me realise that their ending would’ve been different if they’d done differently – I’m going to do differently.
Luis and I plan to preserve all of what attracted one to another and all that keeps us together – we’re going to keep communicating even well after we race each other on wheelchairs at the nursing home…
It felt reassuring to hear my parents do just that, well into the early hours of the morning. Time has a way of healing so much… I believe these days were just as important to my parents as they were for my brother and I.

One day before the wedding.

It rained and it poured and no planes were coming in or out of Madeira. Nine people meant to be at my wedding waited out at the airport for the rains to subside in the hopes that their much delayed flight would make it out to Lisbon.
It was while the hairdresser put in the curlers that I caved into desperation and cried… at that point it felt like even on my wedding day things had to go wrong, a direct reflection on my life – something always goes wrong.
The amazing thing about women is that they pull you through anything – five strange women that I hardly knew wiped my tears and reminded me that regardless of whether or not those nine people made it – they already showed me how much they care about me just by refusing to give up.
Months before I asked Saint Peter to give me a beautiful sunny wedding day. Saint Peter had never failed me before but the weather promised otherwise… but I know Saint Peter never fails me – so I asked for a change in our contract. I told Saint Peter he could let it rain as much he wanted on my wedding day as long as he stopped the rain in Madeira and let the people I care about come through.
It stopped raining and at two in the morning of my wedding day with curlers in my hair and in my slippers I waited at the airport for that plane to land…

Three hours of sleep later…

I couldn’t be calmer.
I realised that all that I all I could possibly do was already done and that the day would simply play out…
As I arrived from the hairdresser and climbed the stairs I was stopped dead in my tracks by the vision of my little brother in a suit and the purple tie we’d picked out together.
I can’t call my brother “little” anymore – my brother is a tall, handsome and charming young man with a heart of gold and I couldn’t be prouder to be his sister.
At that exact moment, I saw the first moment I saw him, held him and saw him smile at me. I recalled the way he made fists when he didn’t want to sleep and then opened his hands when he finally fell fully asleep; the plastic motorbike he rode around; the day he broke his arm; the day I he disappeared and the day he arrived in Madeira…
I’ve never seen my little brother look more handsome than on my wedding day.

My grandmother helped me put on my dress and my aunts helped.
As tradition calls for, I was late… but surprisingly calm about it… until I was lead to the entrance of the hall and saw him.
My man.
Suddenly every other reason for this day fell away and he was the only reason for being there at that moment. The noise and the people faded and nothing was more important then his eyes looking directly at me.
That’s when I felt it all – the love I felt, the love we share and the love that keeps us together.

Once the “I do´s” were pronounced and the pictures were taken I finally got to walk into that room that fit all the people I care about… to see their faces and feel their smiles and to know how much happiness they wished for us – it was simply overwhelming.
There’s simply no price tag to it.

There were so many special moments…
The children running around, blowing bubbles…
The slide show that told our history with a series of photos no one had seen in a long time…
My dad dancing… my dad dancing!!!
My family… my friends…
…Everyone smiling, everyone enjoying themselves, everyone happy…

There was I moment I looked around me and felt like Luis and I were the luckiest people in the world – to have so many people that care about us, that made an incredible effort to share our day with us.
I felt blessed for our family – mine and Luis’s. We are both blessed with the parents we have and the siblings we were given.
There are simply no words to describe how much I love them and how much I’m grateful to them.

In a blink of an eye the night came to an end… and once again, the people I care about dispersed… I doubt I’ll ever manage to get them all together again… but on that one day – on my wedding day, it happened!

One by one… they left.
My mom left, my little brother left and lastly… my dad left.
There are two kinds of tears – the ones you cry at the “hello” and the ones you cry at the “goodbye”.
In the shortest time, I saw my dad cry tears of joy on his arrival, tears of pride as he saw my brother and I dressed up and then tears of utter despair as I watched him say goodbye to my brother through the review mirror.
From the wedding on, every trip to the airport was a sad one.

On the day my dad left – the house felt so empty.
I felt so empty and so utterly alone – but I wasn’t alone.
Someone was there to hold me while I cried and wipe away my tears.
When I went to bed that someone was next to me and when I woke up he was still there… the man I married, the man that makes me laugh and smile and wake up every morning to life.

Five months later nothing has changed – I have a ring around my finger but the relationship I have with my better half continues as before.
I still believe marriage is overrated and that weddings are expensive parties… but knowing what I know now, even if it had cost the triple of what we paid for it… I would still relive the 27th of February 2010 and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

Thank-you to each person that was there… to my parents and to my amazing mother and father in law

Porque o destino se esforçou para nos unir… Para sempre aquele pedacinho.

2010´s pick up line of the year!

Photosource:Unknown

I sat at one of the tables near the piano at a nearby shopping centre and waited for a friend to arrive for coffee.

I was half listening to what was being played whilst the other half of my mind reflected on some of the tasks I had to do that evening… when Mr. Casanova appeared!
Distracted as I was, I didn’t react at first when he sat down – instead I gave him the questioning look that demanded an explanation…
He gave me a huge grin and asked
“Don’t you want to buy me a cup of coffee?”
At first I thought I hadn’t heard right!
“Excuse me??!”
That’s when he leaned back in his chair and widened his grin
“You know, coffee… I think you want to buy me one”
That’s when I got the full picture

My first reaction was irritation – hadn’t the guy noticed my engagement ring?!
But then I couldn’t help smiling… why wouldn’t I?
There was a well-dressed guy in his late twenties putting in the effort to meet a girl – me!

He wasn’t Mr. Universe but he wasn’t bad looking either…
If he hadn’t noticed the engagement ring then experience told me that flashing it wouldn’t make much of a difference…
So armed with my naughty smile, I leaned in closer and waited for him to do the same before telling him in my sweetest voice:
“If you don’t get up and walk away, I’m going to scream so loud so to catch the attention of every person here.”
He didn’t drop his grin – but he did stand up and leave.
As he walked away I retained my smile and silently thought to myself
“Thanks Stranger – you made my day! Here’s hoping some nice woman buys you that cup of coffee”.

Close Call....

Photosource: Unknown

Everyone knows that it only takes a split second to lose control…
And it’s what happened… I lost it.
It was raining, the tar was wet, the tyres were worn, the turn was sharp and I was going much faster than I ought to…
My mother-in-law stressed and my dad went dead silent as the car’s rear slipped to the right… and then to the left… just before I managed to grasp control of it once again.

In those few seconds which could´ve caused a lot of damage to a car that doesn’t belong to me, all I could think about how the outcome was suddenly out of my hands.
No matter how well I tried to control the car, I knew that the quotient of time versus distance versus a couple more factors would determine my fate.

Three cheers to my guardian angel that saved my ass once again from a devastating result and left me only with a few shattered nerves.
For the safety of my family and the prevention of an expense I currently cannot afford, I am truly grateful.

Yes babes, I promise to go slower when the roads are wet.

Made by Bimby...

Picturesource: Sunshine

What can you accomplish with a Bimby, two hours and two cooks?
-Codfish with chickpeas and cornbread
-Fresh bread
-Garlic and Parsley butter
-Cottage cheese pie
-Pumpkin pie

And this is why I love my Bimby!
Because everything comes out right unless the cook fails to follow the recipe… which I didn’t…
Okay, maybe I had a little oopsie on the cottage cheese pie, but it was still edible!

Considering that for the last four months all my Bimby has made is soup, veggies and fish by vapour, I reckon that if she could talk this weekend she’d be screaming:

“yeah baby! take me on!”… and boy did we!
Invited to a birthday brunch, we decided to take something sweet along and while we were at it, we might as well make something extra…
Nothing like making the most of your investment like going on a cooking spree!
(And leaving the sweet stuff at someone else’s house, hehehe)
My better half and I both agreed that experimenting on our Bimby is something we both been missing… (It’s a pity that it comes with an extra 700gr that I was definitely NOT missing!)

But playing with our toy wasn’t the best part.
It wasn’t the fact that we had so few dishes to wash at the end either.
And although the mouth watering aroma’s sneaking out my kitchen were temptingly inviting…

...I’d say the best part was when he passed me eggs and I passed him the spoon and he put on the oven and I passed him the oven mittens…
Although we worked out a gameplan – the real secret to why we were so quick was the teamwork that flew between us. The fact that we didn’t slow each other down or step on each other’s toes and the fact that the other person was there when an extra hand was needed…

I looked at my man this Sunday and thought to myself “Yeaps, I reckon I can spend a lifetime with you”

…As long as we keep the Bimby, hehehe!

Happy New Year

Photosource: Unknown

There are so many things I want to say… so much to tell… so much to share.
If I could perform one miracle, it would be that at this very instant the whole world could feel what I feel:
Blissfully happy, passionately in love and immensely grateful!
I started off 2010 as a bride, an aunt and 14kg lighter than the previous year.
Yes, 2010 has definitely started off as a busy one: try searching for a size 36 Bordeaux pair of shoes for a 10 year old bridesmaid and you’ll be kept busy for quite a while…
But in all of this stress and chaos, I couldn’t be calmer and all the while more anxious!
Some brides wait for the “I do”, some for the cutting of the cake, others for the first dance as a married couple… I’m waiting for that moment when I have two seconds to look around a hall full of the people I most care about, let myself feel completely overwhelmed with love and joy and thank the heavens for making it happen.
No matter how often I try to imagine it… it just doesn’t feel real quite yet.

I’m an aunt!
To the most beautiful little girl ever! That melts my defences when she pulls faces at me and pulls at my heartstrings with each smile. She wrapped herself around my heart the moment she wrapped her little fingers over my pinky and she reminds me how perfect the world can be each time she breathes and sighs before falling asleep.
There’s another little person in the world for me to love.


In 5 days I’ll be anxiously waiting at the airport for a tall man to walk through a pair of sliding doors.
He’ll be looking for me and when he sees me he’s going to smile with all the joy a father can feel upon seeing his daughter.
Three years of distance will magically disappear in one tight embrace.

Oh there are many things I want to say, so many things I want to share… but right now I’m too busy living them.

Self Empowerment

Photosource: Unknown

After many years of dealing with family drama and conflict, I decided that when I had one of my own I would not tolerate such behaviour.
Nothing is more humiliating that a public display of displeasure or disagreement.
And so, when such moments arise I opt for either ignorance or silence to avoid the conflict until a later date when things can be discussed.
But silence can be interpreted in many ways and as of late I’ve discovered that it is more often interpreted as stubbornness than resignation.
Too often I’ve resigned myself to other people’s wishes to avoid conflict, I find it easier to let go of my personal wants than to battle it out with the person that wants something different.
I realised today, what a huge mistake that is.
Unless you advertise every little choice that you make towards other’s wellbeing, people will always be too self-involved to acknowledge your effort. They take for granted all the time and decisions you give up for them and label you as ungrateful the minute you decide they can’t have that moment because you want one of your own.
Worse, the more you give up your choices, time and opinions – the more resentful you become.
Recently I evaluated how much of my time I actually invest in myself and was shocked with how little I do for myself these days.
Angry, mostly with myself for having allowed myself to reach such a point.
If people are walking all over me, it’s my fault for having let them.

I believe I’ve had my epiphany.
It came to me as I realised at the peak of my exhaustion that nobody gave a damn if I lay down on the floor and fell asleep right there.
I have a choice and I should be choosing to do the things that make me happy.
I can’t make other people happy if I’m not happy myself.
As for the silence – to avoid being misinterpreted I’ve decided to start telling people exactly how I feel and what I think.
At least if they don’t like it, they’ll know exactly what to judge me for.
Harmony is overrated – it’s for submissive people who like having their identity dictated.
It’s time I give strength to my voice.

Still getting hitched...

Photosource: unknown

I consider myself a practical woman when it comes to shopping.
I have limits to the amount of money I’m willing to spend on a certain item and I make the effort to not purchase more than what I need.
This doesn’t go to mean that every now and again I don’t pamper myself with some or other expense that doesn’t fall under the “Needed” list, but generally these treats are still controlled by my budget and what I can afford.
I’m not stingy with my earnings but I do my best to save as much as I can and I do this by always looking for the best bargain. I take quality into consideration but ultimately the price has the final say.
When undecided between any two investments, my golden rule is to opt for the cheapest option.
So far, my philosophy has worked well for me… that is, until the wedding plans.

Anyone who ever planned a wedding will tell you how many details there is to organise and how much each of them cost.
My better half and I decided in which details we’d be spending more and in which we’d be spending less…
The honeymoon for instance, is one of the details we both agreed to splurge on which will compensate for the cut in costs of the nuptial evening.

I find it useful to hear other people’s opinions and perspectives on the subject. Mostly they vary between the two extremes. Some of my friends are of the opinion that no cost should be an issue to invest in that one day of your life that little girls start dreaming of early in life. Whilst others shrug it off as an expensive event that should be budgeted wherever possible. A friend of mine, who is also planning a wedding, has managed to reduce costs to the point where the dress will be ordered at a low cost off the internet and the wedding favours made by hand. I’m all of the opinion that creative people have their chance to shine at these moments but considering that bricolage was never one of my strong points, I can’t imagine anything by my hand that I’d want to give to my guests. I also decided that I wanted my gift to be useful, practical – something I’d want to receive rather than some silly decoration that will be packed away in a drawer.

At first the wedding represented to me the day when I have all my family and friends together in one roof. I didn’t care if I was dressed in rags and the cake was made of cotton candy – nothing is more important to me than the presence of the people I care about. But as time and preparations have unfolded… I’ve discovered that the whole day is more important to me that I initially decided.
It all started when I put on “the” dress – I didn’t know it was the “one” until I put it on and saw myself in the mirror and thought “wow”.
I couldn’t believe the emotion I felt from looking at my reflection, I’d tried on other dresses but none had made me feel this way.
I didn’t feel like a girl in a white dress, I felt like a genuine bride and I could picture myself letting go of my daddy’s arm to join my man at the end of a red carpet.
Surreal! Even more so for being something more than a movie my mind made up… soon, it’s going to happen!
The thought alone made me feel faint and panic stricken although I can’t for the life of me explain why.
Maybe the corset was too tight or the heating was too high…
I definitely hadn’t counted on ever wearing one of these dresses.
Perhaps deep down I didn’t think I was good enough for one, or that I deserved it.
My dress wasn’t the most expensive of the store although it isn’t nearly as cheap as the dress my friend’s bride will be getting off the internet – but even if I wanted to, there’s simply no way I’d settle for any other dress regardless the price.
I wouldn’t have been able to pick out of a catalogue; in fact, it only came to life when I tried it on. I’m pleased that it was the cheapest of those that I’d seen but quite honestly, once I tried it on – price was no longer an issue.
Alright – I’ll admit, if it cost double of what I paid, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. Price as I already said – is always an issue and I have to consider that no matter how much I love the dress, it is an investment for only one day…

I wish I could tell the same story about the shoes…
My limit on how much I’m willing to spend on a pair of shoes is €25… €30 on boots. I’d already decided that I was going to leave buying the shoes for the wedding at a later date but on a day that I had time to spend, I decided to look around every shoe store in Baixa-Chiado and surprise surprise…
In winter you can’t find shoes of white or any other shade of white, unless you order off a catalogue of course which will bring up the price to what you would pay at a bridal store… so I decided to look in bridal stores.
And then I found them! These amazing shoes that I just fell head over heals for!
They fit and felt great!... Until I saw the price tag!
Luckily, my prudence lead me to the store where I bought my dress in hopes that they could arrange the same kind of shoes and hopefully cheaper.
To my utmost glee – the shoes had already been ordered and they were in fact cheaper.
However I’m still going to pay €85 for these beauties!
€85?!! I must be crazy! I don’t think I’ve ever bought a pair of shoes this expensive!
So why am I going to?
I could argue with you about the lack of options in conventional shoe stores and that they weren’t the most expensive ones I’d seen… blah… blah… blah….
But ultimately – they were sold the minute I slipped them one and saw myself in the mirror.

When I initially began planning for my wedding, the slogan was “good and cheap” but as time goes past, I realise more and more how this one day has suddenly taken up such significance to me. And reasonable prices, I should invest in making it a memorable day. The story of one of my colleagues is what helped me reach this conclusion.
At the time she got married, she resembled me in the sense that she liked things simple and so – her whole wedding was organised as simply as possible with a few guests, a simple gown and reception. As she described it to me I could see the emotion on her face as she told me that if she had the chance to do it all again, she would’ve done it differently.

My life’s philosophy on economics won’t change. I’m going to stay wise with my decisions and expenses – but I won’t deny myself any small joy or detail that I know is going to make my special day memorable.
It’s the day I get to share with all the people I care about, the commitment that already exists between me and my man.

The Bold and the Valiant

Photo Source: Unknown

Often people have the misconception that the brave are out there fighting their way through and standing up for what they believe in.
It seems that to be a warrior, one must be seen always with their sword in their hand.
Let they never be caught off guard!

What bollocks!
Courage isn’t always about the fight!
Courage is what it takes to try and make things work without having to fight.
The hero isn’t the guy that went off defending his virtues… to me the hero is the guy used diplomacy and patience to avoid the conflict.
Just because I know what I want doesn’t mean that I don’t seek out opinions.
It is not a sign of weakness when you let other people have their way.
It’s called patience, tolerance and often an intelligent tactic of someone who lets the little things slide so as to have more power to the larger issues.
Why do we assume that champions always know what they want and where they’re going?
Better to patiently wait for the fog to pass before choosing the road you want to follow than to blindly go the wrong way.
Courage is not the absence of fear.
Fear is a sign of the maturity one has when considering the consequences of his or her decisions and the responsibility one will have to take.
Courage is what makes us decide despite the doubts and hesitation.
Sometimes giving up is the biggest proof of courage there is – the hardest lesson I ever learnt in life was knowing when to let go.

I’ve been called the rock of Gibraltar… a woman with fibre… the tough nut to crack.
But I’m human.
I have a right to my frustrations and moments of weakness.
They don’t mean I’ve become weaker – I’m stronger because of them.
Don’t for a minute underestimate my survival instincts.
Just because I’m not always in the driver’s seat doesn’t mean I’m not in control.

The size of a person’s mind and courage once broadened never returns to the original size… don’t make the mistake of underestimating a person’s courage and character just because they don’t react they way you expect them to.

Getting Hitched

Photosource: Unknown

Two weeks ago, I walked into a restaurant with my better half convinced that we were celebrating our last caloric dinner before the beginning of an intensive diet.
Needless to say, I was not expecting to walk out with a new appendage on my right ring finger.
My expectancy of my man popping the question was that when he told me that he had an important question to ask me my immediate reaction was:
“Okay, what is it that you want to buy?”
The ring he placed on the table eliminated all doubts.
There’s just something about a man asking you to spend the rest of your life with him that leaves you speechless… the “yes” gets stuck so that you choke to cough it out.
Suddenly a whole new level of motivation was added to our diet.

Upon giving the news to our loved ones, the first reaction to us having something important to share with them was:
“You’re pregnant!”
We had been so adamant about not getting married, that it didn’t go through anyone’s mind that we might change our mind about taking that step.
Even my mother reacted to the news sadly explaining that
“But you two are already together, I was expecting to be a grandma…”
Sorry guys… the bundle of joy is going to have to wait, I’m first gonna buy me a white dress!

Why didn’t we want to get married?
He’d done it before so he felt he didn’t need to relive the experience.
And me? Well, I’m fully aware that it is impossible to put under one roof all the people from all around the world that I care about and that I want to be there to share my commitment and so…
I decided I didn’t want a moment if it couldn’t be exactly as I dreamed it should be.

So what changed our minds?
My better half witnessed the euphoria surrounding another colleagues´ wedding and decided that it had been an amazing experience that he wouldn’t mind repeating. He also decided that I deserved the day all girls dream of.
I decided to accept that there would unfortunately be important elements missing… but that those that can and will be there will make it a memorable experience worth living.

I get married on the 27th of February 2010, day which I celebrate 3 years of a wonderful relationship and renew it to an undefined date.

Sunshine’s Column – Blog Description

Photosource: Unknown

Recently I received an e-mail from a real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery called feedmil asking me for a description of my blog.
They already have my feed page linked on feedmil and all they asked for was a description of my blog to put under “words from the author”

Surprised to say the least, it took me a while to register the request and even longer to figure out the description to send them.
Asking me to describe my blog is like asking me to describe myself.
I’ve never been good at it.
Not because I don’t know who I am but because there’s so much contradiction to me that it reduces to a simple “I’m just me” – it’s the best description I can come up with. Oddly enough this description is normally followed by the tune of Meredith Brook’s “I’m a bitch” playing in my head (to which now I will proceed to hum to myself the for rest of the day).

But you can’t exactly describe a blog as “this is my blog” nor did I wanted to resume it as “these are the adventures and misadventures of Sunshine” or worse “this is Sunshine’s story”. I decided to stick the main objective of the description which is to enlighten readers on what it’s all about… so what is it all about?

Someone once told me that the best poets and writers are chronically depressed. Under a sane frame of mind no work of depth can be created. Although I don’t consider myself to fall under the catagory "great writer" I never agreed with this opinion due to the fact that I’ve always been keen on sharing my thoughts regardless of my state of spirit and that my inspiration always comes from the same place, my soul.

Six years and 358 published posts later, my opinion hasn´t changed.
I must admit though, I’ve reduced in the amount of posts I write ever since I met and hooked up with my better half.
However, I don’t attribute this reduction to the idea that I’m happier and therefore have less to say. The way I see it, my increased happiness only increased the amount of things I want to write about. However, now that I have someone to share my moments with I decided to invest my time more in living these moments than writing about them.

So why continue writing if there’s already someone paying witness to my life and if these days there are so few readers accompanying my writing?
I can honestly say that I’ve never written for anyone else but myself. Often I need to “hear” myself think and when I write I give myself the opportunity to see what’s really going on in my soul. It’s easier to resort to logic and somebody else’s answer than to search inside yourself for your true path. I’ve always said that my most important career is “being myself” – this blog makes it just that much easier.

After writing this post and reading it back to myself, I finally managed to write the description I feel my blog should have:

Sunshine’s column is the perspective of a young woman living the things worth writing about and writing the things worth reading. A compilation of experiences of someone trying to write her own life’s story whilst trying to live life without following the instruction manuals written by everyone else. She writes these experiences as a way of mirroring her perspective to herself, a way of "hearing" herself think. She shares these thoughts in hope that as she figures things out, maybe they will help someone else figure things out too.

Introspection

Photosource: Movie "Closer"

I recently read a post that got me thinking of the questions that I still don’t have the answers to: “Merecer Mais”

What do you do when you feel that you’re not getting what you desire, need or deserve?

Do you fight and demand that which you feel that you should be getting?

Do you throw away everything you’ve invested in to look for it somewhere else?

Sometime ago, I would’ve said that the answer would be to talk to the person that can make it happen and if you can’t reach a compromise then it’s time to let go and go after that which will satisfy those needs.

I came to understand, that it’s not that simple…

Not everything can be compromised on and that not everyone has the capacity to see and understand your point of view.

What if the things you don’t want are directly parallel to those that you do?

Then what?

You accept defeat and resign yourself to do things “their way” to avoid conflict and eventually losing that which you care about?

This is not compromise.

How many of these shattering defeats do you accept before losing yourself to someone else’s desires and circumstances?

You begin to lose focus of the things you like and the things you want to do and eventually when someone asks you you’ll honestly reply:

“I don’t know”

One day you will catch yourself staring at your own reflection and not recognising the person looking back at you.

It is the point no one wants to find themselves at, and so many people do.

You can’t always have things your way.

But some things can’t be compromised.

Where is the boundary to which you should give in to and to which you shouldn’t?

Sometimes it’s easier to go along with what the other person wants than to argue your point of view.

Some people feel that it’s easier to resign yourself to the bad instead of risking looking for better.

I feel that it’s easier to pack a bag and leave than to deal with the bad.

Whatever angle you see it from; it’s an inner conflict that needs to be dealt with.

I don’t have answers.

I asked my heart what it wanted and what it was prepared to sacrifice in order to have it.

I then put all my forbidden dreams, needs and wants far in the back of my mind.

Often I remember them; there will always be something to remind me of them…But I extinguish the desire by reminding my heart of that which made me sacrifice it in the first place.

There are easier days than others.

Despite all of this, I still believe that every first move should be communication.

Communicate with yourself and then communicate with the other person or people involved.

It’s not always easy to find the courage to express what you feel.

But to avoid doing so is to sacrifice another piece of your identity.

The conversation may not come to the conclusion you want it to, but it’s easier to deal with defeat when you at least tried.

Stay… Leave… keep it all the same.

Change your style,

Change your job,

Change your life...

Or don’t…

Change your attitude,

Change your priorities,

Change your dreams…

But whatever changes you make or don’t make in your life, let it not compromise your heart’s deepest desires.

That is what I believe is being true to yourself all about.

Recycle

Picturesource: Unknown

These days the publicity on recycling has become aggressive.

With the amount of information that is out there, there’s no excuse to get it wrong.

Even children have been programmed to make you feel guilty if you throw out something recyclable with the normal trash.

However, I often question myself at the efficiency of the whole system seeing as I still see very few products with the label indicating that it was made from recycled material.Where are the recycled goods going and which companies are making use this?

I’ve heard rumours that not all the trash we put in the recycling bins is actually being recycled so I’m curious to how exactly is our effort being put to good use.

Being firm believers and recycling devotees at home, we own a relatively large trashcan that consists of three bins to facilitate the separating and see to it that our recycling duty is done – we do this in belief that we’re making a difference to help the environment.

It is this desire and belief that persuaded us to start recycling old appliances as well.

Worten has been advertising that everyone should hand in their old appliances at any of their stores to be properly disposed of and recycled.

After buying a new keyboard for our computer we decided that the right thing to do was hand in the old one at a Worten store and so we took it with us to Vasco da Gama.

There are no bins or advertising in the store to where this equipment should be handed in.

I asked one of the attendants to refer-me to where I should drop off the old equipment and was told that I should report to the complaints counter.

If perhaps the complaints counter was empty that day, I wouldn’t feel the need to write this post but as is normal in a big store such as Worten, the counter was full!

I took a peek at the next ticket and realised that if I was to take one I’d have to wait behind approximately 10 people in front of me.

I put on my best smile and apologetically interrupted one of the girls behind the counter.

“I´m sorry, I´m not here to complain and I only want to hand in my old keyboard so could I just leave this here with you”

It´s not like I had forms to fill out! And yet I was told very sympathetically that i´d have to take a ticket and wait in line.

Are you kidding me?!

Instead of throwing it out with the normal trash, I make the effort of bringing my old equipment to the store so that it can be recycled and I have to wait in a long complaints line?!

I was about to make my way to the nearest trashcan when my better half came with a better idea.

He took the keyboard from my hands put it on top of the complaints counter and retorted: “Here you go, I’m leaving this keyboard here – if you want to you can recycle it and if you don’t want to, go ahead and throw it out with the trash.”

We left satisfied that we’d done our public duty.