Forbidden Thoughts

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

We all know the predicament of feeling the things we should not feel:
Do not be sad that he is leaving, be happy that he came.
Do not gloat at your successes for someone lost for you to win.
Do not judge by physical appearances, true beauty comes within.
And perhaps one of the hardest lessons to learn:
Do not waste your love on the one who does not love you in return.

We learn that the right decisions and attitudes are the hardest ones to make and often we don’t understand why our wills are the opposite of this knowledge. Is it because our hearts desires are different to our heads? And if so, which can we trust to be guiding us correctly? When you see the two independently, you gain a better understanding of your inner conflicts.

“Why do I still think about him after all this time? If I don’t want him then why can’t I get him out of my head? Was I wrong when I thought I was over him?”

Hearing my friend’s complaints, I tried searching for the right words to help her understand what was happening to her. Seeing an ex boyfriend had left her with mixed emotions and although I knew that the reason she felt that way wasn’t because that she was in some way still attracted to him, I had to find the best way of making her realize this without undermining her emotions. To understand our thoughts, we need to understand what cause them.

Two independent minds.

Our head acts on facts and reality, programmed to act on our best interests of personal survival, our hearts are driven by feelings and emotions living on the fantasy of what can be. The thin line between the two is what I believe can be called as the soul; this is what manages the co-partnership of the two and develops the personality each individual has. Each has an opinion which can often be far from common but each has a valid reason for that point of view. To listen only to your heart is to become an unrealistic dreamer and to follow only your head is to become a meaningless robot. The secret is to balance out the reasoning of the two and act on both best interests.

What my friend could’ve been feeling was love. The man that is invading her thoughts could be that soul mate we all want to love and be loved by… but he isn’t and I made my friend realize that with one question: If there was someone else there to love her, would she still be thinking about her ex boyfriend? With that one question we concluded that the reason she daydreamed of pinning him against some wall and kissing him until he begged forgiveness for ever ruining their relationship is because there was nobody else that she could do it to. Her heart kept him in her daydreams because of its need to be loved and since there was nobody else to daydream about, her heart obsessed over him because he had once made her feel wanted and loved. Suddenly you feel more relieved when you discover the reasons for certain thoughts and behavior and you thank God that you have a brain that overrides any desire to so much as even flirt with that ex boyfriend.

“I’m glad you cannot read my mind or see how nervous you make me. Looking in your eyes removes every ounce of my inner strength and all I want to do is to stop talking this mindless conversation and rather rub my lips against yours. If I sat on your lap would you put your arms around me? I’ve missed your arms; I’ve missed the comfort and warmth they once gave me. Could I touch your face and trace its contours? Sitting this close makes me realize that I almost forgot how you look like. How good would it feel to have your body pressed against mine so what we could listen to each other’s heartbeat? When you look at me the way you’re looking now, I wonder if you are thinking the same thing.”

Thoughts such as these can only carry weight when said or acted upon. Why refuse your heart of feeling them? Feelings such as these make you feel alive and remind you of the hot blooded human being that you are, so why condemn them if only you know of their existence? Whatever your standpoint is on this subject, even those who like me often wished to know what other people were thinking… will appreciate the fact that God made our thoughts to be silent.