So Ham - I Am

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I am a woman; I possess the strong touch and resilience to manage and protect all that I have and hold dear to me.
I am a professional: Responsibility and dedication makes me an asset to my company.
I am a friend: With the strength and the compassion to embrace, listen and advise the people that accompany me in my life.
I am a sister: The source of love and understanding and the person to count on when no one else can help.
I am the colleague, I am the nurse, I am the daughter, I am the lover, the fighter, the leader, the helper, the cousin, the politician, the lawyer, the singer… I am all that I want to be…
I simply am.

I love the ocean. I too am an ocean of things, the strong, wide and mighty ocean. When the life of storms and winds touch me, I toss and turn but I survive. I am a crucial part of life, motherly enough to nourish and grow that which lives from me and mighty enough to destroy that what gets in my way. When all else is past and forgotten, I will exist, even if it’s only in the heart of those that I touched. My love, like my water is ceaseless, not even in times of drought will I completely disappear. I am as inconstant as the moon… my tides differ with its pull yet, in the same way, I carry a dependable consistency as its cycles…

When coming across such a personality, you know immediately that they are indestructible, that life, the world and society can never break the core of that person’s soul. With time, you watch that person overcome hurt, heartbreak, disappointment, frustration, wounds and every kind of damage possible to the human being’s soul. They seem to bounce back from every defeat, from every loss and every failure. We admire them and eventually recognise them in our own mirrors.

I am the sea of all seas and I began with one drop of water, a stream that flowed into a river that survived evaporation to grow into the vast strength that is me… the ocean. I am but one drop of water.

What does a soldier do when the war is over? What is the use of walls when they no longer serve their purpose, when there is no need to defend and fight? Life is a constant battle to those who fight it, yet who do we really fight against if not ourselves?
When you no longer need to protect or defend yourself, do you take the time to heal? Do you cry all the tears that you couldn’t afford to cry during battle? Do you scream the words you felt when you got hurt? Do your hold yourself; comfort yourself for all those times that your soul needed it? Do you push people away when they try to heal your wounds for you?
When do you let go your sword, lay down your weapon and let your guard down? You who have fought and conquered your space, your personality and your freedom, have you learnt to enjoy and live that gain? My fellow survivors, when all is fought and won, do you know how to live what you’ve survived?
The world does not change for the growth of an individual; the individual grows with the changes of the world. When we change our thoughts and attitude, we learn the things we already know.

I no longer see life as a battlefield, instead I see at as a dance floor where people dance out their dreams, their hopes and their expectations. The Deejay does not always play my favourite songs; every now and then my feet will hurt and ache; sometimes I feel more alone and other times too crowded. At times I am surrounded by people dancing, other times no one wants to dance with me. My partner may not always understand my rhythm or I his, one of us or both of us may step on each other’s toes and yet… I’ll keep on dancing. I will always love dancing, I will not allow myself to stop feeling the music and I choose not to sit out of any dance. If you choose to step out, you may loose the opportunity to dance the perfect dance. Eventually every evening comes to an end and the only memories you remember in the morning are those of how well you danced that night. That moment, that perfect move, the sway and that turn makes every other hard, difficult, painful and awkward moment worthwhile.

It is impossible to win without having known what it is to lose.
It is impossible to walk without knowing what it is to fall.
It is impossible to be right without knowing what it is to be wrong.
It is impossible to live without knowing what it is to really live.

I am a human being that makes mistakes, learns and grows. I am too proud to admit my fears, too scared to show my weaknesses, too stubborn to acknowledge flaws and doubt. Does admitting that I’m afraid really make me any less courageous or brave than I am?
I am a woman: that longs for all things soft and beautiful, dreams and hopes and prays. That wants for the love and strength found in her lover’s arms and the love and dependency of a child’s embrace.
I am a friend: needing to share my thoughts and ideas, seeking encouragement to advance with my projects.
I am the sister: who cherishes each loving hug and gesture as the building blocks to my heart’s happiness.
I am the fire, I am the water, I am the air, I am the earth, the seductress, the teacher, the child, the doctor, the partner, the writer, the dancer, the moonlight, the sunshine…
I simply am.