Self Betrayal

To say “no” when I mean “yes”
to say “go away” when I mean “stay”
To run away instead of towards...
It is beyond self-betrayal... it is pure torture.

I turned my back though you were all that I could see in front of me.
Before I even turned around, I had already recognised your touch.
And even though I willed my body to be still in your presence,
I could not prevent it from betraying me as it moved along with yours before I could muster the courage to break away from the dance you tempted me with.

My heart screamt against my desperate attempts to push you away
And wept when I succeeded.
And whilst prudence congratulated me – my heart mourned.

Can´t you see this isn´t a game?
Can´t you tell that it´s over?
There is nothing to salvage, all that is left over is hurt.

Forgive me for my deceitful reactions
Forgive me for my sharp words
None of which came from the heart...
Don´t come close because they are all I can give you.
If you ever cared for me at all,
bless me with your distance.