New Beginnings

Photosource: Unknown

I didn´t get any sleep.
I opened my eyes this morning to the warm sunshine pouring through my window but inside my blanket, I was cold. I was empty.

I stopped crying sometime in the middle of the night, but I haven´t been able to stop the tears from running down face. In the back of my head a slow song by Metallica numbs my heart and takes me back to past Chapters.
This morning, I´m once again the Unforgiven.

Everything comes to an end.
I´m not quite sure exactly when you and I saw our end, but paging through your wedding photos, the knowledge that it could´ve lasted longer tears away at me.

If only we´d been less stubborn,
If only we´d bee less proud,
If only we´d had more faith,
If only we´d talked.
Would things have been different?

No regrets.
Life has a way of working out exactly as it should.
I have no doubt in my mind that you married the right girl.
But I can´t help the empty feeling caused when I think about how differently things could´ve been both of our attitudes and decisions had been different.
I guess we truly did need to be older…

I remembered everything last night…
The first day we met, I was five and you were seven… I was sad and you did everything to make me smile., including irritating the living daylights out of me.
Chappies… lummies… trips to the Pick ´n Pay… rollerskates… pillow fights… hot summers and countless hours in the pool.
Wrestling… I knew that I could never beat your physical strength but that never seemed to stop me from trying.
You gave a different meaning to the Word: “Mercy”
There were days I hated you and even on those days; I admired you, looked up to you more than anyone else I knew
God, I wish we´d talked.

I played the songs that remind me of you and recalled the intense moments that will follow me always…
Dunking me in the pool, I fought you the whole week! But on that last evening as we were both getting out the pool, you surprised me by asking me if you could dunk me again… I was tempted to tell you to go to hell.
Maybe it was the way the moon reflected on the water or perhaps it was the way you you looked at me, all I know is that I didn´t fight you.
I put my arms around you as you pulled me under the water… I think we both lost count of how many times we dunked.

That first kiss! – I hadn´t seen that one coming!
I only threatened it because I thought you´d let me free…
I hadn´t counted on the challenge in your eyes,
My lips were only meant to graze yours, so that you knew I meant business…
I didn´t expect that kind of response…
You kissed me with such force and hunger,
My knees went weak, my head began spinning around and if I wasn´t pinned to the cupboard I would´ve slipped through your arms to the floor.
You had strong arms, you didn´t let me fall… I wish we´d held on longer.
My biggest surprise was the reactions you provoked.
I met your heated kiss with my own and shocked myself with my own reactions.
I had no clue how intense things could get.
Till this day, no one´s pushed me further.
God I wish we´d talked.

The photographs are beautiful, though i´d pictured them a little different when I was younger. I know that fate couldn´t have been more right.
I wish you all the love and happiness that I always dreamt for you, even though i´m not the one standing in the picture with you.
Destiny couldn´t have been more right to have written the story as it did. I wish I could´ve told you that in person, it´s just another one of those things we´ll never get to say to each other. Another of those things you´ll never know.

Not everything comes to an end… something´s stay with us always. It´s the good moments I plan to keep in my memory for lonely days like this one.
May your love and happiness see no end.
And may both our dreams be fulfilled with the right person.