I Surrender?!

Photosource: Unknown

Is throwing in the towel such a bad move?

As I sat through a meeting today listening to someone who doesn’t know me, discuss my future as well as the future of my colleagues a pertinent question went through my mind:
“What the hell am I doing here?”

I realised the question wasn’t in purpose of the place or discussion taking place and instead was the question one asks herself after a year has passed after a big change.
I didn’t reach half the goals I set out for myself and both my career as well as my studying future looks pretty shaky.
The unknown doesn’t scare me nor do I lack the strength to keep on fighting.
I have what it takes; the strength, the courage and the resilience…
However, as I reevaluate my reasons for being here, I surprise myself with the question:
Are they really worth it?

Yesterday I knew for sure, today I’m not so certain.
The fact that I can’t give myself any guarantees suddenly begins to bear weight where once it was no more than a consequence of a risk I was willing to take.

Reach for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll land in between the stars. (One of my favourite quotes!)

On the darkest of nights, I remind myself of this saying and yet, I can’t seem to see any stars in the path I’m following.
So maybe I should turn back and learn to give more value to the stars I already have… or should I keep believing in the stars I can’t yet see?
Are they really there?... or are they a mere fiction of my imagination?
I’m not a quitter but do I have the good sense to know when to let go?

Blind Faith is starting to lose its effect on me.
Though it isn’t a loss of faith, but a loss in the meaning behind the reasons in which I invested all my energy.
Being positively inclined by nature, it feels strange to contemplate giving up… perhaps I should see giving up as taking a step forward.

For a whole year I’ve yearned for stability, for direction and the one thing I’ve been fighting against the most seems to the inevitable choice: Change.
Change is the only guarantee life gives though for some of us it’s more than a consequence: it’s a choice.
I’m tired of choosing change.
I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, with a bit of luck my changes become clearer and this time around I can say that change chose me…
Is it time to pack my bags already?

I’m still not certain… all I know is that to stay… I need stronger reasons that I don’t possess…
Maybe that’s all the reason I need.