In The Memory of Flávio Bento

Photosource: Unknown

It still hasn’t sunk in.
It’s still hard to swallow.
I can’t get him out of my mind and now I find him in my dreams – In most of them we’re both sitting on the train talking about life… we’re both good humoured and smiling in my dreams but I always wake up heartbroken wondering if I’ll ever shake this feeling of regret…

I met Flávio in one of the darkest moments of my career.
He’d just began working for the Outsource company that I helped manage back then and he just happened to catch the very same train home that I took each evening.
I didn’t work on the same floor as he did so I didn’t see him often during working hours, but when I did go into his environment, I always found him helping a colleague, clarifying procedures or simply motivating the person next to him.
Intelligent, there was nothing that I didn’t teach him in our weekly training sessions that he didn’t grasp almost instantly.
We became fast friends, it was so easy to like Flávio – he always had a smile on his face and he never hesitated to begin a conversation with anyone.
He always had something positive to say, something new and interesting to tell.
Even on my saddest evening trips home, he always managed to put a smile on my face and lift my spirits.

I finally changed my working environment and Flávios CV is one of those that I took with me, soon after we were working in the same building again…
Nothing changed, whenever I saw him he’d have that contagious smile on his face and we’d catch up on all the time we’d lost.
Flávio is that friend that you think of first when you go for coffee and want to invite good company along.
But I hadn’t thought of Flávio lately, I’d been busy and since I began working in a separate building, most of our latest conversations had been over the phone.
The last time I saw him must’ve been a month ago. We ran into each other one evening close to home – it had been a really pleasant surprise!

Our last conversation was two weeks ago, he’d called to invite me and my man for a drink that evening. I had plans and so he invited me out for coffee – I had work and so I blew him off telling him that if I got the chance I’d pop in for that cup of coffee.
I didn’t – and it’s a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Flávio went into respiratory arrest and consequently into a coma a few days after that phonecall. Doctors says this happened during the night and the fact that his parents found him in the morning left an enormous gap in which he didn’t receive oxygen to his brain.
Flávio Bento was pronounced brain-dead on the 18th of February 2009 and after almost 10 days after being in a coma.
He was around my age.

I can’t wrap my head around it.
I simply can’t understand it.
He was fine… We spoke not too long ago… What the hell was God thinking?!...
Flávio had his whole life in front of him!
He was a bright kid, with vision and a passion for living. He loved cars and movies and music and his PSP. He loved spending time with his friends, he was everybody’s friend! Because he was the kind of person that never meddled in anyone’s business and accepted people for who they were.
Flávio is the kind of friend you keep for always….
Was… because he’s gone now.
The last two days I’ve been numb.
Incredulous – it still seems like a crazy story somebody made up.
I expect my phone to ring and have him invite me for coffee.
God, I wish I’d gone for coffee that day!
People keep telling me to let go of my regret, that if I’d known then I’d gone for sure.
All I know is that we’re all mortal, we too often forget that.
Too often, we take the people we care about for granted.
Too often we miss the opportunity to spend time these people.
I’m keeping the sweet memory of Flávio Bento in my heart as the angel that brightened some of my darkest days with his smile.

Too Tired for a Title....

Photosource: David J. Nightingale

I´m tired…
So tired that I risk falling asleep whilst writing these words.
It´s been three days of countless hours working on a two day training session which i´m not even halfway with.
11 hours of working against time.
Every now and then everything becomes fuzzy and I can´t make out the slides I´ve been working on.
Pressure - I need to get this done!
But there are moments I stare blankly at my work and can´t decipher what I know that I know like the back of my hand.
I´m tired…
When i´m not working, i´m working in my sleep.
Even eating has become too tedious, I never realised the effort it takes to chew.
I need to stop.
I need to sleep.
Soon the Centrum will kick in, the coffee will give me a boost and at lunch i´ll power up with a Redbull. And just in case I begin to lose gas, my evening snack includes an energy bar accompanied with an Actimel.
I´ll be on a buzz… I´ll be awake and alert
I´ll get things done and tomorrow I´ll do it over again and again so that 3 weeks work is done in 1.
I´m tired.

Binging

I did it – I took a break and ate a Kit Kat.
I’m cranky, I’m moody and in a general bad mood.
I don’t give a damn that I betrayed my diet!
I couldn’t care less about the 228 calories that went straight to my thighs!
And I certainly don’t give a shit about the €0,80 I spent on it when I should be saving all my pennies.
Screw the long term consequences!
Chocolate is the only comprehensible, comforting, feel-good solution that can make me feel better on a shitty day like this one.

Six things about Me

Photosource: Sunshine "Kalash - Happy to be Alive and Free"

I never back down from a good challenge and although I got it in Portuguese, I’m sure Sophia won’t mind if I translate it to my mother tongue:

The challenge is:
- Link the blog that made the challenge
- Publish the rules of the challenge on your blog
- Write 6 random things about yourself
- Challenge 6 other bloggers to answer to the challenge
- Comment on those 6 blogger´s blogs

Six things about me:

I love waking up to the sound of the rain pouring down outside, just to bury my face deeper into the chest of the man that keeps me warm in his embrace and breathe him in deep. My man makes every other heartbreak in my life seem worthwhile.

I love the way Kalash adores me in the morning. The way she looks and loves me unconditionally. Despite how grumpy I might be, whether I’m happy, sad or even angry – she’ll still come to me in the hopes that I’ll pet her and give her some love.

I’m a fighter, a survivor and I’m prepared to endure whatever challenges life throws my way… But inside my hard nutshell is a heart that is intact, whole, trusting and loving that’s never stopped believing in the goodness of all things.

I’m most afraid of hurting the people I love.

I try not to get too attached – because it rips my heart apart every time I lose someone to distance or to disappointment. I hate to be so far from my family, I hate that the four of us are split up in four different countries. Sometimes it hurts so much as the day we had to say goodbye. Sometimes all I really need is to have them in front of me, to hear their voice, feel their embrace and to be able to breathe them in. Some days, their absence is simply unbearable.

I write, not for those who read the things I write. Not to make a statement or to mark my opinions. I write for myself, to express the things I live and to “hear myself think”.

I normally don’t answer to all writing challenges, but this particular challenge was simply irresistible simply because it genuinely challenged me. I was surprised at the first six things that came to mind. Having found this challenge so interesting, I extend the same challenge to the bloggers of the following blogs:

Na pele do Outro
Bute Nessa
Unresigned Spot
Mind Travels
Pieces of Me, Myself and I
Aberto até Madrugada

Amália

Photosource: Unknown

The wise normally teach their daughters to judge a man’s character by the way he treats his mother.
I’m proud to say that if my man’s character was weighed by this concept, there would be no doubt in anyone’s mind of the amazing man I know him to be!
We tried convincing his dad to take his mother out to a movie she was hoping to see about a fado singer who was a historical icon of their generation.
After failing to do so and knowing she would never go on her own, we decided to treat her to the movie whilst at the same time enlightening our ignorance on the subject.

In the small town cinema, all the old ladies were well dressed and excited to see the movie.
I love to see my mother-in-law smile, she’s so easy to please and I love to see her happy – even if the movie was dreadful, I was happy we’d brought her.

But the movie wasn’t dreadful.
A bit dramatic, I’ll give you that.
But for a Portuguese movie, I thought it was really good.

I didn’t know much about Amália’s life.
I knew very little about her music.
But I normally could tell it was her whenever I heard her singing.
Her voice and spirit are simply unique.

As I heard familiar songs, songs I didn’t even realise that I knew… I began to remember sweet moments long forgotten, that I hadn’t remembered in years:
“Casa Portuguesa”: Countless Portuguese weddings I had attended.
“Cheira Bem, Cheira á Lisboa”: The sound of mom cleaning the house in the morning
“De quem eu gusto, nem ás paredes confesso”: The sound of mom trying to piss dad off
“Barco Negro” The sound of mom’s anguish and depression each time we returned from an overseas trip to see the family.
The sound of “saudade” – missing someone like the deserts miss the rain.
They call “fado” the sound of suffrage.

Sometimes, it’s a bittersweet moment when we’re taken back to the past memory.
My only regret is having my parents too far to take them out to a movie.

There´s a new tanie on the road!

Photosource: Unknown

I did it!!!
I drove on my own!
My heart was pounding madly!
As I put the key in the ignition I said a prayer and asked my guardian angel to keep me focused and safe.
In the 15 minute drive from Vila Nova da Rainha to Castanheira do Ribatejo, I managed to put in 5th gear going 70km/h. I did all my reductions correctly and timely and went at a respectable speed instead of the snail driver I’d started off as a week ago.
I didn’t spook with the rain.
I didn’t panic when I reached the road with all the potholes and realised they were too many to avoid.

Instead, I shifted to first gear and slowly went over all of them.
I must admit, I thanked all the lucky stars for the easy and spacious parking space I found upon reaching my in-laws apartment… where normally you have to drive around a couple of times before you find a tight space in which to squeeze!
Handbrake up, gear in neutral and turn key until the car goes off.
And just before I unbuckle my seatbelt, I put the car in 1st gear for safety reasons.
I’m pretty diggity, dang, dong proud of myself!

Seeking Answers

If you had the opportunity to have the questions of your life answered, which would you want to be answered?
Most of us learn to accept and resign ourselves to the fact of life that things happen. Good things, bad things… they happen.
Sometimes, later in life we get the answers to old questions.
We discover why something had to happen, we realise the life’s lessons we learnt from a certain event in our lives and we put our questions to rest.
But then there are those questions we always wonder…

WHY did it happen that way?
WHAT was the decision?
HOW did that happen?
WHERE did that come from?
WHO did that?
WHEN did those feelings begin?

We resign ourselves to the unanswered questions because to most of these, there are no answers. Or are there? What if there was a way of knowing them?

Sometimes it’s best not to have our doubts confirmed.
Often, ignorance is bliss.
There’s a reason we don’t have all the answers and if we did, what would the consequences be? What would we do with them?

I believe that we all live on a need-to-know basis and that under no circumstance will we find out that which we’re not ready to know.
But to find out, to know that behind that door are the answers… it’s a conscious risk you take, knowing that you can’t “unknow” what you discover.
The open mind that expands will forevermore return to its original size

I accept the things which can’t be answered, but only if I come to the end of all attempts of knowing.
One of these days, I’m going to grab that opportunity…
I’m going to experience hypnosis and ask to be taken into the secrets of my unconsciousness.
I know that the choice I make will include the answers I don’t want to know.
But I simply want to know.

Journey of Souls – Michael Newton

Photosource: Unknown

I finally finished it!
This is one of those books that are hard to finish no matter how interested you are. It’s as if you have to keep stopping to reflect upon what you read.
This book concentrates on past life regression written by a hypnotherapist that started off as a skeptic. In this book, he reports 29 cases which demystify reincarnation as a whole.
I’ve read many books on this subject but this is by far the most complete study I’ve read.
I haven’t been this hooked since Dr. Brian Weiss´s – Only Love is Real
Although the book bore very little novelty to my knowledge, there was one particularly interesting aspect that I learnt that made immediate sense in my mind as I read it about it…

The signs.

According to the case studies, when the soul is almost ready to reincarnate, it first undergoes an important meeting with his guide and other souls that will be part of his life.
At this point, the soul has already chosen its life’s course, from the physical aspects to the relationships he’ll make along the way.
It’s important to state that the beauty of reincarnation is free will, which means no matter how hard we work in spirit upon choosing this course: our human nature still has the capacity to screw it up!
Luckily, in this meeting we meet the souls that are going to make the difference in our lives: be they a constant presence or a phase we need to go through.

What was most fascinating to me is how much this meeting reminded me of the one called before each theatrical performance – everyone knows what to do but this is where the fine details are discussed.

And what would you call the fine details of reincarnation? The case study that spoke of this calls it the flags… I call it the signs.
It’s that sensory contact that inexplicably catches your attention.
Some call it the Déjà-vu effect… it’s those moments where if you listen to your heart and you just know…
The author shared his own story of how when he met his wife, he knew right there and then that she would be the one that he married.

Not of all of us are that lucky or that perceptive to have these certainties, but taking a look back in my life I recall certain moments in life that I was so sure of what I was doing that no amount of logic would’ve changed my mind.
I recall the day I decided to leave South Africa – on any other day it would’ve scared the life out of me, but on that day I felt so sure and at peace with that decision as if I’d been preparing for it my whole life for it.
I felt exactly the same way about moving to Lisbon four years later. Even though at the time I was fully aware that my reasons for moving weren’t going to work out – I still felt like it was a move I had to make. Today I know why.
I recall the day my grandfather died. I never meant to stay over that weekend due but when I arrived at my grandmother’s house I just felt I couldn’t leave – I had to stay. I’m so glad that I did.

On the train ride home I recalled so many times in my life where I was lead by my heart: the best decisions I’ve made in my life were those I made on instinct. But the curious ones are the physical signs that this so called meeting defines…

We all have our stories of how we met a special someone… mine is so insanely coincidental that it simply couldn’t have worked with anyone else.
In fact, if there’s one thing my man and I agree on is that if either of us had hesitated at any time in the beginning – things wouldn’t have gotten as far as they have.
Neither of us wanted a serious relationship but we both decided to go with the flow and our hearts decided for us, making moves that were completely out of character.
The signs however, are the kind that I’ll never forget.
It began with a blog… I came across his through a link on someone else’s blog.
It’s not unusual to read a good post and then move on, never return to the person’s blog. But I was captivated by the writing to the point where I kept reading right to the bottom where I saw the sign that made me decide that this was one blog I wanted to follow…
The smiling sweet face of the Rottweiler I most love in the world!
I kept reading for over three months before I finally decided to leave my first comment, it was on a post that specifically spoke of why people keep blogs.
That’s where it began.

It wasn’t all that easy though – I blowed him off on our first encounter and decided to cut the contact… but then I got that sms and I wasn’t supposed to reply to…
I got most of my signs on the night we met.
It was the silver traces in his hair, the warm smile and two words that neither of us will ever forget:
“Promises, promises”
Curiously, just as most case studies report: I too found that there was something in his eyes that made me feel as if we’d met before that made that important connection that’s gotten us this far.
My heart was sealed with what I felt with our first embrace…
I had no clue, but my soul already knew.
These were the signs.

For those of you wondering what to get me for my birthday… Michael Newton has another book out I’d like to read called “Destiny of Souls”

Thanks for Nothing!

Picturesource: Unknown

After passing my driver´s exam on the 4th of December, I´ve been patiently waiting for the temporary permit I need to drive with due to the fact that the actual driver´s licence takes 3 months to be issued.
This permit is sent to the school at which I took lessons and according to them it normally takes a week to arrive.
However due to the holiday season, it took almost a month to arrive!

After calling every day for the last month since my exam, my enthusiasm earned the promise that someone would call me the day it arrived.
And so it happened…
On Friday afternoon at 18pm someone called to me to let me know that it finally arrived and that the school closed at 19pm.

The excitement was such that my man and I got in the car and decided to drive the 100km in order to fetch it… unfortunately we caught traffic and it was 18:57 when we were just exiting the highway – basically we were about 5-10 minutes away.
I decided to call the school, to let them know that I was on my way and ask the secretary to wait for me just a few minutes.
The response I got was short and crisp:
“I´m already closing, tomorrow we open at 9am and close at 13pm”
I was so flabbergasted that I even thanked her before cutting the connection.

No one is obliged to stay beyond their working hours but would five minutes have killed her?!
If she´d refused because she was going to miss her bus, train, plane I would´ve been sad but i´d understood – I believe however that this wasn´t the case.
The bitch simply couldn´t wait five minutes!

As much as this shouldn´t surprise me – this is after all Lisbon… attitudes like these bring out the worst in me.
Today when I go pick up my permit, I´m going to take the time to write a note in the complaints book – not because of this woman´s lack of consideration… I couldn´t do that… but due to the fact that 50 minute lessons only lasted 30 minutes, due to the fact that there was never any solid orientation and even due to the fact that the CD they sold me had many incorrect answers that had to be constantly reviewed with the instructor.

You know what they say: behaviour causes behaviour.

Happy New Year!!!

Photosource: Unknown

More important than setting New Year´s goals is reviewing the year that´s gone past. I begin this by reviewing last year´s resolutions:

1. Get a driver´s licence
2. Save and finance two major holidays
3. Lose weight
4. Settle in my skin
5. Make my man Happy

I´m happy to report that achieved all my goals, including a couple of others that weren´t planned:

1. Be at my mother´s wedding
2. Step up to some professional challenges
3. Overcome an unexpected health crisis

Normally these goals are kept to myself but in order to respond to the challenge I´ve decided to publicly report my resolutions for 2009:

1. Lose some more weight (I want to lose at least one more trouser size!)
2. Save for two major investments in the home (Furniture in Madeira and an Air Conditioner)
3. I want to get a raise (I know this one doesn´t depend on my exclusively but if I don´t get one this year, I´m going to have to make big professional changes. Preferably I want to be where I am, with the challenges I´ve been given – earning more.)
4. Invest more time in writing in my blog (I feel the need to invest more time in my thoughts)
5. Organise and enjoy another intense game of spin the bottle between friends starting from the level we left off last year.
6. Make my man Happy

Someone once told me to only make attainable goals – Every year I set the goals that I know I can and will achieve… I hope next year that along with these I can add a few more achievements along the way.
All I know is if I can successfully reach all these goals – it´s going to be an awesome year!
May all your goals and dreams be attained this year!

Truth Hurts

Photosource: Unknown

Sometimes, when people try to defend you or protect you, they just manage to hurt you even more.
I sat inbetween old friends when he appeared smiling.
We hadn´t spoken in a while and the last few times that we had, the atmosphere of discomfort had been lifted.
Despite the history, we´re still friends – things might not have gone back to the way they were, but we managed to recover enough of the connection to retain the friendship.
More important than who he was, is who he is: my friend.
Upon his arrival, someone decided to come to my “rescue”
“What are you doing here?”
“You shouldn´t be here!”
“You´re the reason she left!”
“She has a real man in here life now… go away!”

Under normal circumstances, I would´ve put a stop to this kind of verbal abuse the moment it began – but I was speechless.
Every word said had been felt by my heart at some point in life…
My defender didn´t know, but it felt like he´d taken the pages of my diary and read them out loud.
I wanted to tell him to stop… but I knew that if I said one word, tears would follow.
So I didn´t… and instead sat silent and listened as my friend was crucified.
He said nothing.
He just kept on greeting the rest of the group as if it had nothing to do with him.

Every word felt like a blow to my soul.
It probably hurt me more than it hurt him.
But I didn´t ask to be “defended” or protected – if that was the case I would´ve stood up for myself.
What was once forgiven has been let go and no one has the right to bring it up all over again.
When I finally found my voice, I demanded that my “defender” stop.
“Don´t defend him when he did what he did to you!”
I tried to deny it, I tried to wave it off but my efforts just made it worse.
It´s as if I was forced to relive it all over again.
I was grateful, when finally someone took me away…

Towards the end of the night, I found my friend.
The event seemed not to have affected him and perhaps I should’ve left it at that.
But I felt that what happened wasn’t right and I felt the obligation to say something.
I apologised for what happened -
No one had the right to judge him.

I´m sorry.

If I could turn back time, if we could do it all over again - maturity tells me we should have done it differently.
But if you ask my heart, it will tell you that it would repeat it all the same…
Because it was the road I needed to take to be with the man that i´m with today.
The experience I needed to be the woman I am today.

I´ve done a lot of things in life that i´m not particularly proud of.
It´s enough that I remember each and every one of them like they happened yesterday, to need someone to remind me of them.
We are already our own harshest critics – no one needs their nose rubbed in their own mistakes and criticism is only welcome when it´s objective is positive reinforcement.
Before making judgement, ask yourself if you too are prepared to be publicly flogged for your sins.
Karma isn´t being punished for the things we do wrong – it´s what we go through in order to avoid making the same mistake twice.

More than the important than the facts is understanding and empathy.
The truth is subjective and harsh when there´s nothing you can do to change it.

Saudade

Picture source: Unknown

There’s no translation for it.
It’s the feeling felt when you miss someone, someplace so bad that it tears your heart apart.
Distance is life’s ultimate punishment
Your heart keeps that person close but your arms are too far to reach them.
Last night I went through facebook profiles and photos of people I knew…
The fact that I say I “knew” them in past tense is because distance has made sure that I no longer know who they are.
People change, grow and evolve… if you’re not there during this time, you’ll miss out on who they’ve become.
I sighed in awe as I compared the physical changes in the people I went to school with, some of which I haven’t spoken in years.
Doctors, lawyers… some of them became exactly what they said they would.
Others went in the exact opposite direction.
Nostalgia… the feeling felt on remembering and missing the past.
Nostalgia isn’t Saudade… Saudade is something else, something much deeper.
Saudade is what I felt when I saw my friends in their wedding dresses.
Saudade is what I felt on seeing pictures of their first children.
Saudade is what tore apart my heart at seeing pictures of the moments I said I’d be there for.
Because when you’re young you believe that nothing can tear friendship apart and that you’ll be there for every important moment in your friend’s life… and I wasn’t.
I wasn’t there for them and they haven’t been here for me.
Not that they haven’t been there in heart, I’m sure they were there in spirit…
But nothing takes the place of seeing that smile, hearing those words and feeling that embrace… Saudade.
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried the absence of what I left behind… friends, good friends… amazing people that life gave me the pleasure of meeting and which I left when I moved away.
They say it gets easier, they say you move on…
With the years you miss them less, you think about them less…
But then one night you remember them and your heart breaks as hard as the day you left them behind.
I don’t regret my decisions in life.
I just wish I could keep all my friends close by.
I miss you.

Light Warning

Just because you can, doesn´t mean you should.
I´ve always been a risk taker, but I learnt early on in life to identify my boundaries and when to stick to them.
Know your limits to take conscious risks.
People who keep playing on the edge, eventually fall off.

I was sixteen when my parents allowed me out to a nightclub for the first time.
The rules were simple:
No alcohol or substance abuse
Respect the curfew.
I knew that as long as I kept to these rules, I had freedom.
I also knew, that the day I disrespected these rules, I know longer had this privilege that most of my friends only dreamed of having at that age.
This didn´t mean however that I didn´t push my luck… at least where the drinking went, but I stuck to my limits and made sure I sobered up before going home.
I knew not to ask to go out too often or to stay out too late.
Sometimes I´d ask for an extra hour or two and often I got them, I also learnt that if I took a "no" gracefully then my privileges would probably be lengthened a bit the next time around.

One night I went out with a bunch of friends and was meant to be given a lift home afterwards. The vibe in the club was a bit dead and so we decided to go try another place… we didn´t make it out the parking lot.
The driver decided to show off his skills in spinning his car and ended up embarrassing himself by cracking a hole in the radiator as he spun over a curb.
Immediately there was panic!
Everyone was in fear of the consequences that came with their parents knowing what happened.
I knew however that there was no alternative…
I called my dad.
My friends and I worried that my dad would never let me out with them again and he´d probably tell their parents and that I´d probably never be let out at night ever again…
This was the shortening of my leash…
My dad arrived within minutes. He seemed calm as he took a look at my friend´s car but the fact that he didn´t look in my direction told me that he wasn´t all that happy.
I knew my nightlife freedom would be restricted if not cut completely but any other alternative my friends came up with seemed more irresponsible then asking my dad for help.
He called a tow truck, gave my friend a good mechanic's number and took all my friends home one by one without asking to speak with their parents.
As the last of my friends jumped out the car and we were left alone, I waited for the speech and my prison sentence…
What I got wasn´t what I expected!
My dad put his hand on my leg and thanked me for calling him.

My privileges weren´t limited, in fact two weeks later, I got another extra hour on my curfew.
Today I know that the faith deposited in me was due to the fact that I´d never overstepped my boundaries.
If until that point, I hadn´t earned the trust… my dad´s reaction would have certainly been different.
Oddly enough, with time some of my friends got night privileges from their parents on the condition that they were with me.

As a conscious adult in this day and age, there´s very little that I can´t do…
However I also know I must take the responsibility for my decisions and own up to the risks I take…
Not all the gain is worth the consequence…
Not all risks are worth taking…
Because people get hurt.
Because trust is fragile.
Because your leash will be shortened.
Because there are things you can´t undo.

I take special care to know my boundaries and to stay off the edge.
Just because I can, doesn´t mean I should…
It doesn´t mean I will.

If you keep pushing your luck, one day it will run out.

The lost secret

Photosource: Unknown

If it´s up to me you´ll never know…

Who you were

What I meant to you.

If you don´t remember, I will not tell you.

Because it was in another life…

Because it will no longer make a diference.

If you think you hurt now…

Be grateful that you don´t know…

It´ll hurt so much more.

That´s the beauty of a fresh start

You forget… You move on.

But you haven´t…

At least not as well as you would want to,

As I would want you to.

I so desperately want your happiness

It hurts to watch you...

Alone...

Lost...

Desperate.

You don´t know what you want.

Though you may seem to know what you´re doing.

You´re lost.

A little boy´s dreams, a prayer and hollow faith.

You never did quite know when to give up.

It´s best you don´t know…

It´s best you never remember…

The best of the secret will keep you warm in your dreams

And i´ll keep you in my prayers.

Friends VS Acquaintances

Picturesource: Unknown

Fact of life:
Sooner or later people disappoint you.
That means news for those who say:
"I´ve never been disapointed by so-and-so"
YET... because you will be.
Human being are just too imperfect not to botch up sooner or later...
This isn´t the first post where I state my opinion:
Not all fuck ups are intentional and so...
Take in regard the intention at hand and forgive as you would like to be forgiven (tomorrow you might be the one stuffing up).

However,
One of the most important lessons I learned in life is:
People only have the importance that which you give them.
It´s not easy getting to know people.
And so it takes a while to discover the imposters that call themselves your friends.
These are the people you are acquainted with that simply don´t deserve your attention.
After 18, you discover that life is short and time is scarce so you might as well save it to spend with the people that really matter and not waste time with those that don´t.

This doesn´t mean however that you don´t retain your acquaintances (at least those you can´t get rid of - others are just friends who can never be trusted again but who you don´t want to break complete ties with).
You greet them and catch up with them only when your paths cross.

Not to long ago, a bunch of us got stood up by one of our friends that didn´t bother to show up for a gathering that he himself had proposed.
No message, no answering his phone, no callback - in fact no one´s heard from him for over three weeks... we know he´s alive and well though.
What strikes me as interesting, is that of the six people that awaited him: no one was particularly suprised with his absence.
"It´s just one of those things that he does..."
I asked myself if the reason the six friends felt this way is because he´s so good of a friend that this kind of lack of consideration is considered a misdemeanor or if this kind of behaviour is ignored simply because he has already been classified as no more than an acquaintance and therefore his actions have little importance?
Nobody was particularly worried and the gathering simply continued as if the reason we were all there was a gathering of friends and his arrival wasn´t al all expected.
My heart went out to the one person that I know was truly disappointed - even though he wasn´t surprised.
One of these days we´ll hear again from that so called friend, greet him, catch up with what´s been happening and move on...
Maybe someone will mention the gathering he missed... maybe they won´t... all I know is that I won´t bother...
He simply doesn´t hold the importance I consider my friends to have.

Time and distance doesn´t always allow the contact you desire with your friends, however these aren´t the causes for friendship losses. To maintain a true friendship you merely need to treat your friends as you would like to be treated: with sincerity and respect.

Recipe for a Bitch

Photosource: Unknown

I recently recieved a brilliant sms:

"You haven´t learned how to swear until you´ve started driving"

I immediately recalled one of my early driving lessons where I was already telling some guy off for not using his flicker.

My instructor calmly looked at me and said, "you´re gonna be one of those..."

Roadrage baby!

And I don´t even have my licence yet (In progress... will violently shake the first moron who asks me how that´s going)That subject is a whole other theme... the kind i´ll write about sometime later this year (hopefully).

My second thought upon reading this sms was:

If you want to bring out the bitch in a woman there´s a better solution than putting her behind the wheel: put her on a diet!

Have you ever crossed a woman on chocolate withdrawel?

She´ll politely refuse a piece of chocolate that you offered with a smile and then crucify the next poor soul that tries to talk to her.

Once she´s done resorting to violence, she´ll submit to that pastry that somehow got in her desk drawer and after a brief amout of satisfaction... she´ll cry her heart out of guilt.

Determination - Violence - Depression.

A diet is the making of a psychopath!

For guys losing a couple of kilos is easy: they simply cut down on the junkfood.

Any woman will describe her battle with the scale as a continious war that garantees casualties.

It involves depravation, temptation and defeat... psychologically exhausting for she who diets... and they who put up with her.

Soon I´ll be finished with a weight loss program that so far has been working for me at a huge expensive and a hell of a lot of effort and self-control.

During the treatment my biggest aid is a magical pill that heeds the hunger at bay...

It´s so much easier to avoid temptation when you´re not hungry!

Howerver, when the treatment ends I´ll have the challenge of maintaining my weight on my own...

So to those who see me on road in October: Either follow the traffic code of conduct or stay the hell out of my way!

Daisy

Photosource: Susana Cirilo

Who says miracles are just for people? Each of God´s creatures deserves a miracle and I´d say that Daisy is one of the most deserving creatures I´ve come across in a long time.
Homeless and most likely abandoned, Daisy was found by our local vet hungry and flea infested. Softened by the sweet look in Daisy´s eyes, the vet took her in, fed her and treated her for parasites and the ear infection she had.
It became clear by Daisy´s submissive behaviour, docile nature and incredible desire to please that she´d make a wonderful family pet and it became´s the vet´s mission to find Daisy a home… in the meantime, Daisy was nurtured by foster families…

After much deliberation, we decided that although Daisy was a wonderful pet, we simply didn´t have the space and conditions to adopt her, however after our first encounter with Daisy we understood everyone´s faith in her personality and decided to do our part by fostering Daisy for a week.
Everyone tried to find a home for Daisy, there was an advert placed online, the vet spoke to each one of her clients and we even tried introducing Daisy to a potencial family... everyone was eager to help, but no one was ready to adopt her.

In the week that she stayed with us, she quickly learned the house rules… no climbing on the furniture, no climbing up to the first floor, dogs sleep outside…
It wasn´t hard to educate Daisy, she learnt these rules after two or three reprimands and began to learn other things like sitting and lying down.
It was fulfilling to see her confidence grow and she even began to play with us and Kalash. After merely a week her fur was glowing and she developed meat where once there was just bones – even Kalash put on weight! Competition makes you fat!
The longer we kept her, the more proud and attached we became…

And so it was on a dark Monday when we took her back to the vet after our one week fostering that we discovered that the bump she had her jaw wasn´t an old wound, but a bad break that was going to need to be operated on.
The fact that she hadn´t complained about it when we´d found her led us to believe that it was na old wound that had healed on it´s own. But her bad breath made us take a closer look and that´s when we discovered a splintered bone sticking out her jaw.
The discovery was simply devastating!
Not only was it hard finding Daisy a home, it was going to be even harder finding someone who was willing to spend a fortune on a dog that was going to need an operation – it seemed we had no choice, Daisy was going to have to put down.
Strangely enough, Daisy seemed oblivious of our dark moods looking the happiest we´d seen her since we found her.
Delaying the inevitable and not wanting the vet who found and attached herself to Daisy to put her down, we decided to take her home again to desperately think of alternatives – the most likely being, asking someone else to put her down.

I was angry, upset, disappointed that a creature so sweet had no chance… unresigned with the reality that “You can´t save them all”…
But God hears the prayers of those that can´t speak for themselves and their friends…

Just when we´d just about lost hope there was an answer to the adoption advert on the Internet – someone wanted Daisy – just the way she is.
Everyone explained to Daisy´s owner-to-be of her condition and what it would take to get her well and yet that didn´t sway her – Daisy had a new owner.
Owner and dog clicked at first instant and it was more than clear to us that someone answered our prayers – that God has miracles for all he´s creatures.

All of Daisy´s foster parents are going to help sponsor her operation although her wound seems to be healing on it´s own with the help of antibiotics.
Most importantly, Daisy now has a home and someone that gives her all the tender loving care that she deserves and needs - a miracle everyone of God´s creatures deserve.

Just a Reminder...

Picturesource: http://www.magnificentgifts.com

In the fast pace at which we live life, it´s so easy to forget a friend… for hours, for days, weeks – the gap can sometimes stretch out to months if not longer.
The wonderful aspect about a true friendship is that when that person eventually crosses your mind, that phonecall, e-mail and contact is wonderful! And even though there´s plenty to catch up on – the intimacy remains as if no time passed by since the last time you talked.

Recently I got reprimanded for not having included someone in a gathering and my first thought was “Yikes! I didn´t even remember…”
Unfortunately this isn´t the first time I excluded someone from a gathering by mistake.
I also then recalled that this person in particular not only didn´t belong to my social circle as I didn´t so much as even have that person´s phone number.
However the person found it in his right to voice his descontentment seeing as the gathering was organized in honour of a mutual friend.
I felt bad seeing as the person we both knew would´ve probably liked to see the person in question but neither of us remembered.
It isn´t as if the person was excluded on purpose.
What I find annoying is how offended this person was and the way I was attacked as if the exclusion had been intentional.
Curious that even though that person knew about our friend´s presence, he felt that it was my obligation to contact him and didn´t think to call. If he´d called, he most certainly wouldn´t have been forgotten!
Isn´t it strange how friendships and relationships are broken over so little…

Although recent, this isn´t the event that inspired this subject:

I dreamt about someone last night, someone I haven´t spoken to in a really long time. The dream was so intense that I woke up with the sense of the smell of his cologne. On the ride to work I wondered how he was doing and made a mental note to send an e-mail and make that contact…
This mental note slipped seeing as I drowned myself into my work the minute I arrived but just as things began to simmer down I paid attention to the song on the rádio and smiled...
It was the song that linked me directly to the someone in my dreams.
Coincidence?... That not only did I randomly dream about someone I hadn´t remembered in a long time as on the same morning, the radio played an old song that it normally doesn´t play which just happens to link your mind with that same someone.

I don´t believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason and in this case the result will be in the pleasant contact with an old friend…
Someone once told me that when we have an intense dream, the person on the other side will feel it too. I don´t know if I believe that anymore but it would be nice to know he was thinking of me too. At least I know he will be when he reads my e-mail and in the least, I´m grateful for the universe´s reminder.
What I´m most grateful for though is the fact that distance and time don´t alter true friendships and that I might not always be in touch with the people I care about but that doesn´t mean that they´ve left my heart and that sooner or later they´re thought of with with the tender loving care that I regard them with.
Here´s to remembering and being remembered by friends!

Chicken or Egg?

Photosource: Unknown

Have you ever regretted helping someone?
Or worse… before you reached out a hand, you knew that you were going to be slapped in the face and yet you still made the choice to help…
Is knowing that you did the “right thing” any consolation for feeling like a shmuck?
What is supposed to be highest on our list of priorities? Our wellbeing ou a friends?

Recently, someone close to me decided to share his roof with a friend that had just lost his. I was asked to share an opinion and before a decision was made we both agreed that there was a personal loss involved.

Some people are born martyrs… they spend their life looking to be victims os someone else´s needs and whims.
Then there are those that think the world spins around their waist. These people not only think that the world owes them a living, they expect your availability and goodwill whenever they may need it.

So where is the equilibrium? When is it okay to say no and when should you be saying yes? What are the rules for making the “fair decision”. Don´t you sometimes just wish someone gave you the manual.

I reckon that if things were so black and white, no one would have trouble making a decision… that there are no perfect decisions, only perfect intentions – or perspective on which we base our decisions on. Whatever you decide, ultimately the toughest judge to convince will be the reflection in your mirror.

Go with your gut and conscience – that´s the advise I give to those that ask.

Monday Evening

Picturesource: unknown

We ate an early dinner, sat in front of the heater, snuggled up and watched four episodes of Dr. House.

I didn´t study the traffic code,
Nor organise those CD´s,
I didn´t bother with my IRS papers,
Or prepare my backpack for the next day´s hydro class…

We ate an early dinner, sat in front of the heater, snuggled up and watched four episodes of Dr. House.

I didn´t look up the university information over the Internet,
Nor water the plants,
I didn´t bother with the basket of clothes that need ironing,
Or prepare my lunch for the next day…

I just sat and ran my fingers through his hair whilst my favourite TV séries showed on the screen.