carla.ornelas@gmail.com
Of all the awful feelings that a person can possibly feel in the world… the worst is a guilty conscience. And not just any kind of guilt, the kind that stabs you right in the stomach and makes you wish you’d never been born. I’m guilty of forgetting one of my best friends on a night which all my closest friends should have been there. I had told her that there was going to be a dinner but on that eve… I forgot to call her. Not only did I forget to call her, I only realised it today… two days later.
Quicha…
I always said I’d never use names in my column so forgive me if it upsets you that I put yours on here. However I want people to know how important you are to me and how much your friendship means to me. I know this may mean very little after forgetting you from that dinner, but words cannot express how sorry I am….
I would never forget you intentionally, nor would I ever want to leave you out of any special moment of my life… please believe me when I tell you that even though I didn’t realise it at the time, after it hit me that you weren’t there suddenly the whole dinner felt dim and bleak. I can’t remember one enjoyable moment, because you weren’t there.
This isn’t to undermine the good friends I had there, this is to say that the fact that you were missing makes the evening now one of saddest ones I’ve ever had because I hurt your feelings by failing you as a friend.
You’re right, I probably would’ve only remembered in a week from now if someone hadn’t told me. I respect our friendship too much to lie to you or sugar-coat the truth, you’ve always been straight forward with me so I’ll always be straight forward with you.
I’m hoping that you’ll remember that I’ve always been honest with you and always will be, so please believe me when I tell you that I never meant to leave you out.
If I tell you that I had a lot on my mind, that I didn’t particularly want that dinner or that it was at a place and a time that you probably wouldn’t have been able to make it to… it would all be true. But these are feeble excuses to the truth that nothing was so important that I shouldn’t have remembered to call you! I should’ve been thinking a little less of myself and my problems and more of the people that I care about: I wouldn’t have forgotten your presence at that dinner!
Words, be they written or spoken can never truly describe a person’s disappointment or their guilt… I’m so sorry Quicha and more than your forgiveness I wish I could just take the hurt away and the disappointment I caused you.
I know that lately we’ve had less in common. You live for your family and your thoughts concentrate around your beautiful daughter, I can’t begin to tell you how much I admire you for that. I on the other hand have very little to contribute to your world, the only nappies I’ve changed are my brothers and managing a family under one roof is something I have very little experience in.
I realise that the kind of conversations and ambitions that drive me no longer interest you and at times we can be left very little words to say to each other…
However I’ve always believed deep down that no matter how different we are and how differently we develop that there exists something is real and lasts beyond all that: our friendship!
I know that you’re there for me should I fall or forget the keys of my apartment at work!... Until today I hoped that you also felt that you could count on me for anything. You can Quicha, I know I didn’t prove myself very reliable by forgetting to call you but I pray you know that I didn’t do that intentionally, that I am here for you when you need me and that nothing could be worse than if I lost your friendship.
I wanted to tell you all this personally, I practically ran to your house when I realised what happened… and I got stuck in your garage because I thought you wouldn’t open the door thanks to my selfish behaviour. When I didn’t see your car and I realised that I couldn’t say all this to you, I was left with tears of despair.
In the twenty minutes that I was stuck in your garage waiting for someone to open the door, I sat and relived every wonderful moment we’ve lived together. To lose your friendship would be one of the greatest losses possible, I know I don’t tell you enough and perhaps I haven’t appreciated you enough lately… but you are and always will be, one of my best friends.
You could argue that I’m writing all this to relieve some of my guilty conscience, that would also be true… but I hope you find the sincerity in my words and find it in your heart to forgive me… I truly am sorry.
On Saturday night, I lost two friends: One that I should’ve gotten rid of a long time ago and another that I never wanted to lose for all that’s precious in the world.
Please tell me that I haven’t lost one of the strongest reasons I still believe in this island. I don’t want you to accept my apology… I want your forgiveness!
I am so sorry… I just don’t know how to make it more honest than that.
Your Best Friend,
Carla.
(PS. Joe… can I make it up to you by baking you a whole cake?)
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