Contemplating

Contemplating

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Dedicated to my friends who think that I can´t know what they´re going through:

Angry to see myself this way, I curse the moistness that I find on my face.
This isn’t me… the strong woman that defies and challenges the world!
Where is she? I try to find her in the intense look in the mirror. She stares at me and simply breathes… it is all either of us can do at this moment.
I know that after the feelings are gone, she’ll be there to help me pick up the pieces and to pack away the emotions that will eventually freeze, neatly back in the safe.
Oh why did I ever allow the safe to be open!
The safe where fires burn and temperatures reach volcanic fevers.
Where was my mind when I unleashed that torrent of emotions that flowed and ebbed through my veins taking control of all rational thoughts?
Yes that’s it… I must’ve lost my mind, a moment of temporary insanity!
Oh sweet madness that took me to uncharted territory through caves of unspoken treasures and heights much higher above the clouds than I’ve ever dared to soar.
That filled my lungs with sweet air allowing me to take that first breath of liberated freedom.
That lunacy that intensified scents, accentuated colours and amplified the sounds of the world… how do I turn my back on this mirage? Is it a mirage? With you, I believe it’s real.
I knew it was always there, but I didn’t want to see…
Scared of the wild in me, the magic in my own touch that causes the rush over the edge, the heat past all boiling points and that brings out the hunter, the seductress and the domineering.
Can I handle all this? Can you?
To deny you… I no longer could. To turn away… my heart wouldn’t allow me.
So I opened the door to that safe and decided to face the consequences of things unknown, wild and untameable.
All I need is your consent, your hand, your courage to take up on this adventure with me.
For a solid moment, I was happy to feel free… unleashed from the chains I kept around my heart. Imagination took flight and I dared to dream the moments I’d always suppressed… because they were uncontrollable, intense and because I held them back for someone that deserved them.
Someone that’s not you… you’re not that someone I pictured to discover this with me.
But you did this… broke through the walls of friendship and touched my heart in places it wasn’t meant to be touched.
I grew wary of waiting for that someone and gave up on the final destination for the possibility of simply adventuring with you. How long or short the road may be doesn’t matters nor the actual destination where it leads us… all I long for is the journey with you.
But I fear that you’re going to push me off the edge whilst taking somebody else to that place I want to go.
I beg God and all the angels’ release me from this insanity…
Where were they when I needed to be held back from falling into you?
Where are they now? Where are you? Where am I?
I try to concentrate on the projects that I love and await my attention, but I’m stuck in this moment… this moment of vulnerability where I force myself to let go of all these feelings I’ve grown to love. Feeling the breath sucked out of me as I succumb to breathe the pollution of the real world. Too much air will make my lungs explode.
You’re not here and I’m left to figure things out on my own.
Telling myself that I’ll be okay, that tomorrow I will wake up strong and confident. Telling myself that when I see you again, I’ll see you through the eyes of someone who simply cares and knows no more than the warmth of friendship.
Asking myself to be brave, convincing myself that all this was no more than a dream and a phase on which I almost lost control…
Taking away the memory of your face, the scent of you and the sound of your voice… replacing them with my independent goals
Am I beginning to forget you already?... don’t remind me.
I don’t ever want to feel the way I feel today… unless you take it all the way, unless you take me to that place you made me see and stay with me to play with the Phoenix’s that guard and protect souls from falling back to reality.
Don’t guide me there… take me with you.
I want to be your addiction, not your charity case.
Picking myself off the floor and turning on the cold shower… I take a deep breath.
I will close that door…
It wasn’t meant to be opened and your place will once again be on the outside.