Dancing Solo

Dancing Solo

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t feel like being out there…
I wanted to be here, in my sitting room, dressed in my pyjamas, comforted by my music and surrounded by candles.
I hate forcing my soul to get up, to get dressed... I can’t stay too long in the shower or the desire to stay alone will be stronger than my promise to go out…
Grabbing the first thing I find in the cupboard, I grab a skirt that I hadn’t worn in ages… it’s not like I’m out to impress anyway! Just a night out with the girls.
So I summon my smile as I put on my make up and pray for the energy to make it through the night.
I don’t feel like going! Not tonight… not when I so want to be on my own…

A flash of headlights on my window and the ring from my phone tells me that I’m too late to back out.

Smiles, laughter, new faces, and foreign names… the atmosphere that I love…
seems so suffocating tonight.
I drown my exhaustion on a strawberry cocktail and close my eyes as the sweet nectar takes away some of the bitterness in the back of my throat.

Massive Attack.
The music couldn’t be more to my liking!
Slow and Soulful, I close my eyes and drift onto its serenade.
So relaxed and detached from my surroundings, I almost didn’t hear the voice calling me back into the crowd…
No! not yet I thought… let me wallow in my thoughts for a while longer…
But he didn’t hear my silent plea and crashed me down to earth by telling me of his private thoughts:
“We humans are such funny creatures, we take long to realise what everybody else sees almost immediately. Like love for instance! You have a friend that you respect and admire but take forever to realise that you’re in love until it’s too late. It’s so important to recognise love and to act upon it when you have the chance or you might lose that chance forever”
I saw the direction in which his eyes were looking; I knew his words were about someone else… he didn’t know however, that they might as well have been about me.
We never truly know how deep our words echo in someone else’s heart.
I winced as I felt them cut through my inner peace and the music that once brought me calm now disturbed me with bittersweet memories. I sighed, recognising the emptiness as something… someone that was missing in the picture.
Surrounded by my favourite people… I nonetheless felt alone.

Loneliness is such a serious condition that no matter how much fun you’re having, it doesn’t seep into your soul. And though I willed my mind to tell me otherwise, I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there.
And so, in a sea of faces and opportunity, I blocked out the crowd and danced.

I danced like there was nobody watching…
Allowing none other than the music for my companion, I let him rule my senses and move my body. I no longer cared where I was and felt nothing more than his beat thumping onto my heart, tempting my spirit and flirting with my soul.
Letting go… to him, the music, and the rhythm breathes back the life into my spirit. That speaks to the very essence of me and makes me feel like a woman… I surrender to the power of the beat, the rhythm of the music that controls energy that feeds my soul.
Drunk on no more than the music, this is where I’m supposed to be.

Full moon on a hot summer’s night with good friends, old friends, new friend and even gay friends… isn’t this where I’m supposed to be?

I didn’t want to go.
I knew that I’d feel alone regardless or whether or not I went out.
I can’t say that I didn’t have fun; I can’t say that I did…
On some nights, it simply doesn’t make a difference.