Sunday Wash

Photosource: Holly Spring

Today I walked around in circles in the park. Deciding that music would only emphasize my mood, I opted to merely listen to the birds and soak the warm winter’s sun whilst I searched for serenity and contemplated.
Self-forgiveness.
It's the hardest of human tasks to do.
Forget patience – with effort I can conjure patience…
Forgiving myself for being a total idiot… that's a whole other ball game!
Having my finger caught in the door… that's forgivable.
But having it caught in the door everyday, that's just plain stupidity.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself intelligent, enough so to keep from making certain mistakes…
And yet, I find that often I lack the strength to stop myself from making them.
It's like driving off a cliff at 220km/h… you see the edge and while your brain tells you to hit the brakes, something stronger (or weaker, this part is debatable) keeps your foot firmly flat on the accelerator.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself orientated, enough so that I have no reason to get lost in certain places…
But even so, there are times I can't fight the urge to walk into the dark and the unknown. On those times, I'll leave my map at home and throw all caution to the wind.
Worse than walking into the unknown is walking on the roads you've walked through before, knowing that they lead to a dead end and yet you walk hoping for a highway connection...
You walk… and walk… and find the same dead end that was there the last time you came this way.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself confident, enough so not to let other's opinions alter my opinion of myself and my journey…
However, there are those whose words seem to always get through my common sense’s filter right through to my heart where they find the power to botch up the whole system.
After you've mastered the art of not letting other's opinions get to you how is it that suddenly another person's thoughts or ideas suddenly lead you to believe that you're lost.
How do you forgive that?!

I'm the kind of girl who knows exactly what she wants, where she's going and how she's going to get there…
So why isn't that enough to keep me from wanting the things I can't have?
I'm not an unsatisfied person by nature, I'm easily contented with what I have so why are there things I can't stop from desiring?
How do you forgive that?!

Yesterday I went shopping with one of my best friends for a birthday gift. We decided on getting him something he could wear and so the search began…
T-shirts; Jerseys; Shirts… we went through everything until we both found a polo we both agreed on.
I hate shopping! But I love shopping for someone else… I loved picking up the different items of clothing and trying to picture that person in them.
At one point, I picked up soft light blue shirt that I could definitely picture myself being hugged by; but instead of picturing the birthday boy my imagination went to fetch someone with bigger arms… someone who has no business swimming in my mind.
It's a forgivable mistake…
But not after a certain amount of time has gone past.
How do you forgive yourself for being that weak?!

I wish I were stronger,
I wish I could stop myself from doing, saying, thinking, feeling all that I shouldn't but as a good friend reminded me recently: it takes time, a lot of it.
I wish I weren’t so impatient.
The human soul suffers so unnecessarily…

Lately I've been so proud of myself!
I've done all the things I said I would, I've found my spirit hiding in the depths in my soul and everyday I'm a happy person… the smile is genuine my friends, I'd say things honestly couldn't be realistically better…
I guess I'll just have to forgive myself for the stars I can't reach and live with the fact that I'll always be in love with them from a distance.