The Replacement

The Replacement

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

It never quite ceases to amaze me how quickly some people are able to find replacements for others in their lives. One week you have a guy on his knees declaring his undying love for you and the next you see him with his arm around some girl making out as if she was his soul mate.
This isn’t to undermine these people; after all… life has a way of turning things around in a blink of an eye. Why shouldn’t it do the same with love?
However in my experience, I feel that love isn’t so easily forgotten or replaced… in fact, I believe true love is irreplaceable.
I believe that the heart is big enough to hold a thousand friends in every decimetre of its size but it has only room enough for one true love at a time. Sure, there are times when it may be confused but soon it learns that it only has space and strength to beat for one person and eventually someone falls into one of those chambers where special friends are kept: leaving room once again for only true love.
And should love be lost, dumped or left… the heart is left with a big empty space that no friendship, no matter how colourful it may be, can fill.
That however doesn’t keep people from trying to fill that void.
We so desperately feel the need to connect with another human being that any warmth we find in the hand that touches us can and will be interpreted as fire…
In the meantime… for the moment… for the evening… for the night… maybe longer...
Until one morning we wake up and realise that we still feel that void.
Kill love with love?
Yeah right!
How deep does the feeling go? How happy does it truly make you?... and most importantly, how long is it going to last before the illusion wears off and you need another replacement?
I’ve watched women kiss toads in a desperate attempt to find a prince charming; I’ve seen them waste their time and energy with guys that contribute nothing positive to their lives just so that they can say that they’re not alone…
I’ve watched the strongest of men embrace a plastic doll; grab onto the first skirt they see and flirt with the girl they’ll never take home to their mothers, just to keep their minds distracted from that emptiness in their hearts.

It’s so easy… so tempting and even natural to shiver at a warm touch, to respond to a sweet word and surrender to the desperate desire of filling an empty space in the heart… As a good friend of mine put it: if you join hunger to the will to eat you risk disastrous results! However once you’ve had your fill, eventually you won’t want to eat more… but did you eat what you really wanted?
You may wake up next to the face that you want to wake up every morning to, just as you may wake up preferring to chew your own arm off rather than waking that person next to you. It’s a Russian roulette of emotions, eventually… somebody gets hurt.

At four o’clock in the morning, I stood on a quiet veranda and looked out onto the stars.
Somewhere out there was I being replaced?
Sometimes, I too just want to feel the pleasure to forget the pain… it’s so easy to find a replacement.
I only fight it because I feel it is no more than a selfish attitude… why risk someone getting hurt for a few hours of pleasure if in the morning I’ll wake up still with an empty heart?

I believe that there are no replacements for love, only time can close the door to an empty room and make space in your heart for a new love.

Midnight Walk Home

Midnight Walk Home

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Walking out into the dark night, I attuned all my senses to my surroundings. It seems that the sky housed more than its usual amount of stars.
The shadows crept out to inspect what dared disrupt their peace.
Peace… Silence…
The only sound I could hear was the uniform beat of my heels connecting with the concrete floor. Until now, I never noticed how loud the sound is.
Starlight, city lights… darkness.
Taking a deep breath, I succumb to the night and let my mind wander…

My dearest Friend,
If only I could give you a pill, buy you the instruction manual, operate or even wish your pain away I would… I watch it eat you alive, replacing the shine in your eyes with a deep, hollow emptiness.
Your body is visibly intact but it seems to have been drained of your soul.
Standing there looking at me, I feel the silent plea for your rescue and my heart breaks with yours as we both acknowledge that I’m helpless to save you.
Talk… and I will listen.
It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it relieves the pressure.
I won’t bother with advice, comfort or tell you that I understand… we both know that they’re no more than words, incapable of mending a broken heart…
Nothing I tell you will make time go any faster, only time will heal the wounds left open since she went away. When love leaves it takes your heart with it, it takes away all concept of time and everything else ceases to matter.
I know where your mind goes when it drifts off. When you look into the distance I know the face you see and the eyes you seek.
Torn between wanting me to go so to be left alone with your memories and then wanting me to stay so that you don’t have to face them… I sense your inner struggle.
Love is known to be the highest risk one can take due to the fact that it is in direct proportion to pain. The more you love someone, the more capacity you give them to hurt you. And when they go away, they take that chunk of your heart with them… leaving you disarmed, to pick up the pieces and fill the empty holes with only time to help you.
I wish I could make it better, I wish I could make it go away… but I can’t.
I can listen, I can offer you my shoulder, give you hug and hand you a tissue…
All I can truly do is be there for you while time passes us by…

Walking down a dark alley, I stare at the reflexes of broken glass. It looks like someone dropped glitter drops onto the floor especially for me. I remember that when I was little, I was fascinated with a similar looking floor… black glistening… I loved going in the metro just to see the shiny floor… the metro… Lisbon…
Oh Lisbon! – How I so often force you out of my thoughts!
I can’t be allowed to think of you now! Thoughts of you always get the best of me at this hour, leaving me vulnerable and insecure!
I glance at my watch – midnight.
Midnight… on an airstrip in Lisbon, a plane is landing.
Where is it really supposed to land? Where is its home? Flying between Madeira and Lisbon does it know where its home is? Perhaps its home is in the air… between both destinations, perhaps it has no home. Perhaps I’m the plane: destination nowhere.

I interrupt my own thoughts with the sound coming from my chest, I hadn’t even noticed the song playing in my head until I began humming it… there’s always a song in my head, everything just seems to always link up to a song.
“…like the deserts miss the rain...”
Succumbing to the melody, I refuse access to anymore thoughts of self torture and began enjoying the comfort that the night offered me. I was almost sorry I arrived home.
Wincing as I hear the cold sound of the key fitting into the door’s lock, I’m overwhelmed with the desire to turn around and just keep on walking…
Where to? I don’t know… Does it matter?

My dearest Friend,
Tonight I tried to be the best friend I could be by being there for you, keeping you company and making sure you weren’t feeling alone… what you probably didn’t realise is that I was in need of our friendship as much as you were.

PS. To all my friends: Did you know that the sun is the closest star to earth? This means that no matter how far away I may be, i´m still your close friend!
Friends are like stars, you can´t always see them but you know they´re always there. Thank-You to all the stars in my sky.

Dancing Solo

Dancing Solo

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t feel like being out there…
I wanted to be here, in my sitting room, dressed in my pyjamas, comforted by my music and surrounded by candles.
I hate forcing my soul to get up, to get dressed... I can’t stay too long in the shower or the desire to stay alone will be stronger than my promise to go out…
Grabbing the first thing I find in the cupboard, I grab a skirt that I hadn’t worn in ages… it’s not like I’m out to impress anyway! Just a night out with the girls.
So I summon my smile as I put on my make up and pray for the energy to make it through the night.
I don’t feel like going! Not tonight… not when I so want to be on my own…

A flash of headlights on my window and the ring from my phone tells me that I’m too late to back out.

Smiles, laughter, new faces, and foreign names… the atmosphere that I love…
seems so suffocating tonight.
I drown my exhaustion on a strawberry cocktail and close my eyes as the sweet nectar takes away some of the bitterness in the back of my throat.

Massive Attack.
The music couldn’t be more to my liking!
Slow and Soulful, I close my eyes and drift onto its serenade.
So relaxed and detached from my surroundings, I almost didn’t hear the voice calling me back into the crowd…
No! not yet I thought… let me wallow in my thoughts for a while longer…
But he didn’t hear my silent plea and crashed me down to earth by telling me of his private thoughts:
“We humans are such funny creatures, we take long to realise what everybody else sees almost immediately. Like love for instance! You have a friend that you respect and admire but take forever to realise that you’re in love until it’s too late. It’s so important to recognise love and to act upon it when you have the chance or you might lose that chance forever”
I saw the direction in which his eyes were looking; I knew his words were about someone else… he didn’t know however, that they might as well have been about me.
We never truly know how deep our words echo in someone else’s heart.
I winced as I felt them cut through my inner peace and the music that once brought me calm now disturbed me with bittersweet memories. I sighed, recognising the emptiness as something… someone that was missing in the picture.
Surrounded by my favourite people… I nonetheless felt alone.

Loneliness is such a serious condition that no matter how much fun you’re having, it doesn’t seep into your soul. And though I willed my mind to tell me otherwise, I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there.
And so, in a sea of faces and opportunity, I blocked out the crowd and danced.

I danced like there was nobody watching…
Allowing none other than the music for my companion, I let him rule my senses and move my body. I no longer cared where I was and felt nothing more than his beat thumping onto my heart, tempting my spirit and flirting with my soul.
Letting go… to him, the music, and the rhythm breathes back the life into my spirit. That speaks to the very essence of me and makes me feel like a woman… I surrender to the power of the beat, the rhythm of the music that controls energy that feeds my soul.
Drunk on no more than the music, this is where I’m supposed to be.

Full moon on a hot summer’s night with good friends, old friends, new friend and even gay friends… isn’t this where I’m supposed to be?

I didn’t want to go.
I knew that I’d feel alone regardless or whether or not I went out.
I can’t say that I didn’t have fun; I can’t say that I did…
On some nights, it simply doesn’t make a difference.

Stress Prescription

Stress Prescription

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I recommend a good dose of stress in your life. The kind that calls for the biting of nails, the scratching of the head and the pulling of hairs. I recommend some worrying in your life, the kind that keeps you up after bed time or the kind that gets you up before the alarm clock rings. I recommend doubt in your soul, the kind that forces you to summon your inner strength, re-evaluate your priorities and brings you closer to those who love and support you.

I once heard that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And although stress is modern time’s most notorious killer; I believe that it’s as necessary to the body as is the air we breathe. Lack of challenges in one’s life makes for a weak spirit, a bored mind and a meaningless waste of time. What good is a life without goals? Without a dream?
What good is a dream if you don’t fight for it?

A friend of mine sent me the following message of encouragement:
It is the most strenuous, difficult, complicated and less travelled upon roads that takes us to the best destinations in life.

She sent this to me nine weeks ago when the stress began to intensify. Over a year ago I decided that I no longer wanted to stay on this island. I didn’t know where exactly it was that I wanted to go but I knew that I needed to be somewhere that allows me to be more than what I am today. After sending countless CV´s to half a dozen countries on each continent, it occurred to me that I didn’t need to change nationality… I simply needed to cross the ocean! I’ve always been a firm believer in fate, and destiny it seems; felt I was pushing in the wrong direction! It’s when I started making steady decisions to move to Lisbon that my heart began telling me that I was on the right track.

I came to this conclusion six months ago and ever since I’ve began my battle for the transfer that is as slow as this country’s bureaucracy… or am I just over anxious?
First it was that “should I or shouldn’t I” of whether or not to respond to that announcement.
Then you go through that “Are they or aren’t they going to give a reply?” phase and end up concluding that you weren’t right for the position in any case.
Just as you begin to relax and forget that you ever applied, they call you up with one of those “We’re going to need you for an interview”
They don’t tell you exactly when so they give you a couple of days to stare at your phone before they let you know that the interview was actually supposed to be for yesterday and could you come first thing in the morning!
So soon?
You’ve barely got time to figure out what you’re going to wear when you realise your stress levels are at an all time high and that one more cup of coffee could represent the caffeine overload that might lead you to strangle the next person that asks you if you’re nervous.

Life has a way of making you go through practise runs… you know… like that first interview that leaves you wondering: “What the hell was I thinking?”.
Fifteen minutes was all it took for both the interviewer and I to realise that I wasn’t meant for the opening and I left with my shoulder drooped, my hopes dampened and a low on motivation.

Back to the drawing board! You somehow manage to salvage your mind from blowing up after it nearly exploded with “What went wrong” reruns.
Picking yourself up and dusting off the dirt, you remember that life is just a journey in any case and you keep filling in those applications wondering where they’ll take you next. And before you know it… the phone rings again!

Getting my head checked….
Big enterprises send their employees future or not on psychological evaluations… they make you look at ink blotches and write down all the first words you can think of starting with an “R”. They expect words like: “reflection” and “responsibility” while the only words you can remember is: “Rodent” “Rat” “Ex-boyfriend”…. Oops, that doesn’t start with an “R” hehehe…
Then you make an oopsie by remembering the word “Repression” but comfort yourself by remembering that the bosses usually appreciate such a word from an employee.
After thirty-two words I was stuck! Blocked… yeap, me a writer running out of words with an “R”.
“Can’t I write these in English? Actually I know a couple in Afrikaans too…” the monitor simply grinned while he shook his head and told me that my time was over in any case.

With three people on vacation and the holiday pressure on, it was almost eight when I left the office. The pharmacy on duty was too far to walk to go buy the special shampoo that’s supposed to cure the dandruff created from the stress I’ve been causing to my head! I stepped on gum and realised that I’d forgotten my cellphone in my desk so I had to walk all the way back… just in time to miss my bus!

I had two choices: Be irritated or laugh it off.

I laughed it off and decided to spend those extra fifteen minutes that it would take to wait for the next bus to visit my favourite spot on the island: The docks.
I watched the reflection of the sun on the calm sea and heard the sound of the waves crashing. I allowed the day’s heat to seep into my veins and I asked God to be with me, to give me patience and persistence not to let go of my dreams.
The start of a new Chapter implies the end of the previous. Every new beginning implies the death of the old and every new destination implies leaving something… someone behind.
Family, friends, colleagues… it seems like too many people to leave behind, too many goodbyes to have to say, too many voids that will need filling…

But I have two ways of looking at this: I can choose to live like I’m leaving, or I can choose to live for the moment!!!

I choose to live the moment, the now, and this instant!… lately I live less the tomorrow that I’m fighting for to concentrate on the today that I’m living in.

I recommend making a joke of things gone wrong, asking for a bib when the juice from a peace makes its way onto your white shirt and whistle “Don’t worry, be happy” when that nightmare client walks in.
The more I live, the more convinced I am that the perspective you choose to have in life is what makes the difference to the glass being either half full or half empty…
Why look at the challenges in your life negatively if they shape and strengthen the person you are and the person you can become?
If life and love weren’t so fulfilling and wonderful, people wouldn’t risk heartache and tears… And the stress in between is merely the excitement that get us from where and who we are to where and who we want to be.

So yeah… I’m a little stressed, but in the end it’s all good. They say stress makes some go mad and the way I see it: I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

A Moment Of Weakness

A Moment Of Weakness

carla.ornelas@gmail.com
Laying my head on grandma’s lap I closed my eyes in pure ecstasy as she stroked my hair with her wrinkled fingers. I’ve always loved the feel of someone stroking my hair… it takes away the stress and reminds me to breath deeper, speak slower and listen to the sound of my own heart beating. Grandma stroked the tense thoughts from head.
Things haven’t always been this way. I recall a time where she wouldn’t let anyone come near her, but it seems that since my grandfather died, she’s learnt to be more affectionate.
We don’t always share the same opinions; in fact we’re almost two worlds apart.
My grandmother lives by her head, I live by my heart and we’re both very stubborn about it. But at times like these where the both of us merely stare into the blue sky in total silence, I don’t believe we could understand each other more.
Without having to say a word, she understood the doubts swimming in my head and instead of criticising them, she simply let them be.
I unwound to the point where I felt the freedom to admit my fears and was surprised that I wasn’t met with the usual strong and stubborn response.
The “General” is what we called grandma. Because there would be no weaknesses in her platoon and everything had a practical solution. Plan and action, there’s nothing more to it.
The first fight I ever had with grandma was on a night she caught me crying. To her, it was an unforgivable weakness to miss someone… even if it were my family that I left behind. I had made my decision to cross oceans and I was to concentrate on nothing more than my future. There was to be no room for the past, the emotions or the tears… Tears are for the weak, feelings are for the weak.
Grandma hates weak people.

But today she didn’t correct me. She didn’t tell me to stop concentrating on the emotional part of my decisions nor stop hurting for the people I was leaving behind… perhaps because this time, she’s one of the people that stays behind in my past…
She sighed once I finished telling her how much my heart was breaking for those that I love… those that I’m leaving behind.
For the only time I can remember in my life, grandma didn’t have words for me and I understood…

I lifted my head from her lap and sat up, putting my arms around her and pressing her head onto my chest. The only other time I can recall her allowing me to do this was when my grandfather died.
She breathed softly as I brushed my fingers through her silvery hair. Her hair was soft and the skin on her face smooth. I brushed away the lines of worry from her brow. Although she didn’t say it, I felt that she too was as heartbroken as I was.
It felt good to have my grandmother in my arms, to have her let me hold her, care for her and comfort her. I don’t understand why she’s so afraid of feeling…
A tear will always be worth a smile! And therefore heartache will always justify the love.

For the first time in any conversation that we’ve shared, Grandma didn’t voice an opinion or dispense any advice. Instead she asked me to bring my family to Madeira once I’ve created one for myself. I had to bite my tongue to suppress the urge to tell her that she’d have to live very long to see that day! So I limited myself to saying that when I find the person I want to share my life with, I’ll be sure to bring him around.
She smiled at the fact that I didn’t argue with her and then surprised me by remembering my grandfather:
“I miss him.”

My grandfather wasn’t the easiest man to deal with. He wasn’t an easy husband or an easy father and in the last few month of his life… he wasn’t the easiest patient or sick child to deal with.
But she loved him… my grandmother loved my grandfather…
I never saw it then, I don’t believe I ever saw them being affectionate with one another.
But I see it now… when she looks at his pictures, when she walks past his couch and the look in her face as she lays in my arms and confesses the emptiness he left behind.
The love was there when she took him coffee in the morning, put his clothes out each time he took a shower and made sure to make his favourite foods. Even though no one liked the rice soft – she would make it that way by “mistake” because he liked it soft.

There was I time in my life where I wanted to be exactly like my grandmother. I wanted to be confident, intelligent and respected. I would grow to be an independent woman who no longer felt fears or doubts, knowing the right choice to make every time.
Time then taught me that just because I have a soft inside, don’t mean that I have a weak shell. That just because I listen to my heart doesn’t mean I have to follow it everywhere it takes me. I learnt that being gullible doesn’t mean that I’m not made of strong stuff… and that being honest with my self involves admitting my fears before facing them. I’m not a weaker person because of the emotions I hold, nor will I be a stronger person if I choose to ignore them. The doubt will be as ever present in me as it is in grandma; we just deal with it in different ways.

There are days that I feel small, tiny, weak and lost in the world. On these days I often search to be alone, to hide my fragility and fears from those that have never seen the sun go down… But the sun does set as sure as it rises.
I don’t believe there is a human alive that’s never needed a shoulder to cry on, some of us just have a harder time admitting it. Doubt and fear will always be a part of our lives, it’s how we deal with them that makes the difference. Perhaps instead of searching for miracles, we should all start searching for a shoulder to lean on.

Thank-You to anyone and everyone who ever offered me their shoulder.

Perseverance Conquers

Perseverance Conquers

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Some guys just don’t know when to quit!
Three weeks ago whilst out with my friends I met the most persistent Taurus I’ve ever met! You’d think some guys can take a hint… but no… not this one!
This Taurus pretty much jammed his foot in the door and simply won’t leave!
On a night out with friends, I was mighty content to fill the emptiness in my heart with alcohol accompanied with a complementary smile. Happy to simply be around friends, the last thing I was expecting was to be hit on by a smooth talking charmer in a navy shirt… Slightly amused and even flattered at first, I noticed the cute dimples on both sides and the eyes of someone who was interested.
However, it took about the time it takes for a song to take over my soul to forget about those hands that sought me out on the dance floor.
Moving from one club to another, I thought I’d lost him somewhere among the crowd… probably to some easier girl that didn’t give him that much trouble…
Imagine my surprise when I turn around and there was Mr. Persistent himself, not only was he there in my space but he made it quite clear that he was interested in than more than my attention.
Cat and Mouse – He asked for it!
Enough playtime before things get too serious… just before I tell him about the boyfriend: screwing up his chances of seeing me the next day…
Soft touch, sensual lips and a good dose of charm… what harm could a little TLC do? Especially from someone who gave it so willingly… I was beginning to enjoy it too… until I foresaw that defining kiss that took things to another level…
That’s when I turned my back to find that friend I haven’t seen in a long time… And there he was, as if summoned… smiling and as willing to catch up on old times as I was.
There I did it! He’s gone… or is he?
It wasn’t long before I was pulled away from my friend and reminded that bulls don’t give up that easily… not only was he bull-headed but he also managed to pin me into a sitting position that made it nearly impossible to get up without falling into him.
Uh Oh… now I’ve done it! I’ve attracted a leech!!!
Not only was he not taking a hint but he didn’t believe me about the boyfriend either.
“Where’s your boyfriend now?”
Where should he be if he wasn’t with me at that precise moment? - Lisbon!
I congratulated myself on my quick thinking considering my senses were being assaulted by a very sensual kiss to the neck. Where once he was simply breathing, he now dared to take lips where his warm breath had left a trail.
Irresistible… but coming from the wrong source!
I began wondering how I’d gotten myself into that precise mess!
“Hey!!! Hands off to what doesn’t belong to you!!!”
Yes - he ignored my protests flat!!!
I searched “big brother” for an SOS… but he sat near my side amused by my predicament and none too willing to offer any help.
Tired of dodging determined lips, I decided to give the guy a solid ditch by telling him to go chase another skirt!
“You see that girl over there… she wants your beef, go get her!”
That didn´t work either, in fact… I had to ask help from my friends to get unlocked and up from my seat or he wouldn’t let go.

After that night, I thought I was left with no more than mere photos to remind me of him when I was surprised with one of those original e-mails that you don’t read everyday:
“Hello Honey, boyfriend from Lisbon here – just to let you know that I’ve met that guy you met the other night and he seems like a pretty cool person. So anytime you feel you want to go out to movies with him; just so you know that it’s okay by me”

At first I was speechless! None of my friends had given him my number, e-mail or any other contact. He simply took it upon himself to find me on the net and get my e-mail address off my blog. Two points to the man, one for persistence the other for originality. After much deliberation, I felt he deserved some kind of response even though I had little intention of going out with him so I replied with:

“Hello boyfriend, didn´t realise you changed your e-mail addy. Yeah, I kinda thought that guy was pretty cute and sweet. Maybe I will consider hooking up with him one night, too bad I didn´t get his number”

The response consisted of nine digits.

I must’ve lost them when I changed phones. Truth is I can barely recall what I ate yesterday much less remember to call that guy I met three weeks ago. I guess I’d have to rely on destiny to run into him again…
I guessed wrong.... Waiting for me in my inbox was the following message:

“Hi, as are the terms in my contract of being a persistent guy, I just had to give it another shot at asking you out for coffee.”

And just to add the cherry on top of one unrelenting cake… he also gave me the address to a newly founded blog he wrote with his friend that kicked off with an entry called “Oops… I did it again” A piece dedicated to the best brush offs given by men and women. I ticked off the list, one by one realising that I gave the poor guy every brush off in the book. It was when I got to number seven that I realised that he wasn’t giving up so easily. Persistence, originality, intelligence, charm and pure determination… Some guys don’t come close to earning as much credits. So to this last e-mail I could only respond:

“When?”

Contemplating

Contemplating

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Dedicated to my friends who think that I can´t know what they´re going through:

Angry to see myself this way, I curse the moistness that I find on my face.
This isn’t me… the strong woman that defies and challenges the world!
Where is she? I try to find her in the intense look in the mirror. She stares at me and simply breathes… it is all either of us can do at this moment.
I know that after the feelings are gone, she’ll be there to help me pick up the pieces and to pack away the emotions that will eventually freeze, neatly back in the safe.
Oh why did I ever allow the safe to be open!
The safe where fires burn and temperatures reach volcanic fevers.
Where was my mind when I unleashed that torrent of emotions that flowed and ebbed through my veins taking control of all rational thoughts?
Yes that’s it… I must’ve lost my mind, a moment of temporary insanity!
Oh sweet madness that took me to uncharted territory through caves of unspoken treasures and heights much higher above the clouds than I’ve ever dared to soar.
That filled my lungs with sweet air allowing me to take that first breath of liberated freedom.
That lunacy that intensified scents, accentuated colours and amplified the sounds of the world… how do I turn my back on this mirage? Is it a mirage? With you, I believe it’s real.
I knew it was always there, but I didn’t want to see…
Scared of the wild in me, the magic in my own touch that causes the rush over the edge, the heat past all boiling points and that brings out the hunter, the seductress and the domineering.
Can I handle all this? Can you?
To deny you… I no longer could. To turn away… my heart wouldn’t allow me.
So I opened the door to that safe and decided to face the consequences of things unknown, wild and untameable.
All I need is your consent, your hand, your courage to take up on this adventure with me.
For a solid moment, I was happy to feel free… unleashed from the chains I kept around my heart. Imagination took flight and I dared to dream the moments I’d always suppressed… because they were uncontrollable, intense and because I held them back for someone that deserved them.
Someone that’s not you… you’re not that someone I pictured to discover this with me.
But you did this… broke through the walls of friendship and touched my heart in places it wasn’t meant to be touched.
I grew wary of waiting for that someone and gave up on the final destination for the possibility of simply adventuring with you. How long or short the road may be doesn’t matters nor the actual destination where it leads us… all I long for is the journey with you.
But I fear that you’re going to push me off the edge whilst taking somebody else to that place I want to go.
I beg God and all the angels’ release me from this insanity…
Where were they when I needed to be held back from falling into you?
Where are they now? Where are you? Where am I?
I try to concentrate on the projects that I love and await my attention, but I’m stuck in this moment… this moment of vulnerability where I force myself to let go of all these feelings I’ve grown to love. Feeling the breath sucked out of me as I succumb to breathe the pollution of the real world. Too much air will make my lungs explode.
You’re not here and I’m left to figure things out on my own.
Telling myself that I’ll be okay, that tomorrow I will wake up strong and confident. Telling myself that when I see you again, I’ll see you through the eyes of someone who simply cares and knows no more than the warmth of friendship.
Asking myself to be brave, convincing myself that all this was no more than a dream and a phase on which I almost lost control…
Taking away the memory of your face, the scent of you and the sound of your voice… replacing them with my independent goals
Am I beginning to forget you already?... don’t remind me.
I don’t ever want to feel the way I feel today… unless you take it all the way, unless you take me to that place you made me see and stay with me to play with the Phoenix’s that guard and protect souls from falling back to reality.
Don’t guide me there… take me with you.
I want to be your addiction, not your charity case.
Picking myself off the floor and turning on the cold shower… I take a deep breath.
I will close that door…
It wasn’t meant to be opened and your place will once again be on the outside.

Somebody Hold Me Back!!!

Somebody Hold Me Back!!!

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I hate suppressing how I feel. I simply detest, loathe and despise holding back… It’s like squeezing a straight jacket around your spirit and demanding it to shrink.

But we can’t always express our emotions, and holding back becomes one of the essential virtues that go hand in hand with prudence and patience, and hence they key factors to maturity.

Those moments when I want to slam my foot, yell, shout and slap someone when the desire calls for it, are those that require most of my self-control. Self-control was one of those life lessons that took a little longer for someone like me to learn…
Controlling the basic desire to act upon my emotions is the equivalency of nailing myself to a wall with a gag on!
However, even though the battle with patience continues…with time I adopted the best hold-back-before-I-explode technique that works for me. It’s quite simple really, involving the procedure of counting to ten, taking a deep breath and then attacking with a diplomatic dose of intelligent argument.
Think quick – speak slowly and do it with a smile!
This technique brings about immense satisfaction when the opposing party is left speechless; however, there are always those opponents with more patience and experience than you (and a hell of a lot more stubborn!)… This very technique will backfire on someone like my boss who will either manipulate you in circles until you’re too confused to argue or exhaust you into submission! In these cases, I weigh my losses and often am forced to resort a cease-fire until I can figure out a way to make him see the light!

Everyday, sometimes all day… you’re forced to deal with people who push, pressure and squeeze your patience to the last drop. Those rude people who push in front of you in supermarket queues, those demanding clients that throw fits if you don’t attend to their needs immediately or even that friend that has once again called to talk about himself for half an hour. By the end of the day, most of us are beaten from the raw exertion of holding back our exact thoughts and emotions throughout the day.
Tense shoulders, throbbing headache and the desire to beat the living daylights out of a punching bag… all the makings of a foul mood… exhaustion reminded me that it hadn’t been an easy day and my sore body begged to drop down on my bed.

Staring at my front door whilst sliding in the key… I smiled to myself and decided to choose another emotion!!!

Strawberry bubble bath… cures all body aches leaving skin smooth and sweet smelling. If that isn’t delicious enough try adding Candles all over the bathroom while listening to Sting and sinking down in that warm water that makes you forget the reasons that got you frustrated in the first place…

Don’t anybody dare hold me back!!!!
When I’m singing in the bathtub, passing the soap over the contours of my body, in between my toes or at that moment when I can examine my face in the mirror to a candle lit background. There’s no way in hell I’m suppressing that tune in my voice, that intense moment as I sing into my toothbrush and declare my undying love to my shower curtain. That’s right… I allow my imagination and free will to take over as I dance around in my towel and ask my cupboard for advice on which underwear I should wear… This is of course two seconds before hitting an A minor with Alicia Key’s “If I ain´t got you”

Somebody hold me back!!!... Before the neighbours sign a petition to evict me!!!

If serenity comes from learning to channel your energies then it means that no emotion really gets lost or suppressed, it is simply expressed in a different way or postponed for another time.
No one can teach when to hold back your emotions or when to express them freely.
It takes practise and the wisdom of a mind that can think of the consequences before acting upon impulses.
Stubborn, opinionated and highly emotive, I recognise that some of the attributes that make up Sunshine don’t always make for the best of my behaviour.
Patience was never my best virtue.
Experience has taught me that the world, people and the moment isn’t always prepared for my thoughts or feelings… and so I often myself seeking the patience to hold my energy for the right moment… And hence the everlasting battle with time!
But when that moment does come around…

Don’t let anyone hold you back! Your true abilities and talents are discovered when you press your limits, dance on the edge and simply dare to cut loose and be yourself.
Lately I’ve been pondering that learning to free your desires is as important, if not more, than learning to suppress them!
You’re free to be happy and to be the person you want to be, at those moments that your heart and soul know to simply let go and express who you are.
And should you be caught in that web that forces you to be polite when the desire is to choke the moron causing the twitching in your temples… count to ten ,and take a deep breath and remember that half the fun is not surrendering control of your good senses!

I am Woman

I am Woman

carla.ornelas@gmail.com
I love being a woman.
For the simple fact that I can walk away from pain. Shedding hurt like a battered skin and walking away with rejuvenated strength much tougher than ever before.
I love being a woman
I woke up this morning and breathed. I didn’t have to give myself a speech, tell myself to get out of bed or even search for my strength… it was simply there, with me, under the covers, waiting for me to conjure it.
I simply love being a woman.
Taking time choosing my clothes, feeling the soft material against my body, brushing my hair slowly and applying my make up with care; I looked in the mirror and chose to bring out the tough woman in me. That woman that takes on the world, which faces all obstacles and still feels sexy while doing it.
I love the things that make me feel like a woman.
For the fact that I can feel absolutely powerful when I wear those secret underwear, those high-heeled shoes or those secret stockings attached to a garter belt only known to me.
I thrive in the pure passion of being a woman.
When I feel the strength in me fading, this heroine, this woman comes to me with absolute confidence. She heals my heart with the sweetest words and gives strength to my soul. I therefore give full order to the woman in me.
I allowed her to take control of my senses, dominate my energies and reign supreme… this woman, this courageous and strong being that keeps me afloat after every storm is more than just my heroine, she’s the very essence of who I am.
I love the sensations and emotions that make up the woman in me.
This creature with insatiable imagination, soft silk touch and as strong as leather… carries within her endless love, fiery passion, sharp instincts, uncontrollable desires and the ability to paint life in all the colours of the rainbow.
Part loving, part passion, part motherly, part friend… peel off my layers and you will find right at the core…
….the woman in me.

Dance Me

Dance Me

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I believe in the Tango, between people where one person takes one step before being corresponded with a step in the same direction.
An action that causes a reaction and a result derived from another result.
I would’ve taken our dance all the way if only you’d guided me across the dance floor.
Scared and insecure I confess that I was afraid to fall on my face but still I wanted to try with you. I trust you enough to want to dance with you.
One dance, two dances… maybe more, maybe less.
No one can truly tell how long a dance will last and how many dances there’ll be. Fate determines the hour that stops the music and the moment to change partners. Fate is the deejay that plays the songs that make me want to dance with you.
I grow wary of trying to predict how long the music will last, what time announces the end of the evening or waiting for a better song to dance to before getting up on my feet.
Partners come and go offering you their hand to dance with. Lately I’ve realised that instead of waiting for a good dancer, you should pick someone you enjoy dancing with.
I want to dance with you.

When words aren’t enough or too much to handle, a touch manages to explain everything left unsaid. The feel of you stroking my hair, the heat in your touch was the comfort my soul had been thirsting for. I longed for that tenderness that only you could provide and I felt embarrassed at how badly I needed your understanding. Embarrassed at how I felt, conscious of my words, afraid at my own reactions.
If only I’d gotten that green light… that more adventurous touch… those words… I would’ve danced with you.
It would be so easy to bend forward and kiss you, would you have turned away?
I didn’t want to be just another name in your big history book. I didn’t want to become that to you and I knew that neither did you… neither of us wants to lose what we already have with each other. And so we took the dance no further and let the song end without the grand finale we could’ve danced to.
If you had taken the steps with me, we would’ve danced… I don’t know whether it would be one song, two songs or a whole night of music, I just know I would’ve so liked us to dance.

The moment has passed but the music still plays in the back of my mind. Have I let my imagination run away with me again? I wonder if perhaps in my somnambulant state I may have misinterpreted the moment you gave me for no more than wishful thinking. Is that where the music began and ended? Either way, I still wished we danced.

Even if it’s to just one song, even if only for a moment take those steps that could very well be the beginning to a magnificent Tango.

Kiss Kiss

Kiss Kiss

carla.ornelas@gmail.com
There are things that you simply shouldn’t consider when thinking about trying new things… one of them is kissing a friend whilst under the influence of alcohol: same sex or not.

After a week’s pressure of work and of having to handle emotional issues, onto a night where more drama was bound to happen: the only way I knew how to deal with it all was self-anaesthesia by means of alcohol. It may not be the wisest of solutions but it sure as hell is an effective one! Bring on those strawberry cocktails with vodka! Being tipsy was a hell of a lot better than having my nerves all wound up.

What you usually forget is that you tend to feel things with double the intensity when you’re under the influence of booze, and so all those little things that had been bugging me lately suddenly bugged me a whole lot more. And because you’re in too great a mood to feel them like you should, you drown them with one glass after another.

They say that alcohol has many phases. I’m not sure in which order they come but I know that there’s a sleepy stage, a happy stage, a laughing stage, a strong phase and then there’s that phase that gets people like me in trouble: the courageous stage!
Putting aside the fact that I hate turning down a dare, I especially hate turning down a dare when I’m drunk! I usually have above-the-average control of my senses when intoxicated, however on Saturday night I decided throw caution to the wind.

So when my friend turns to me and dares me to kiss her, I simply did the unlike me: thought “Oh what the hell” and connected lips with a woman.

You should try everything at least once in your life! I won’t say that I enjoyed it; I won’t say that I didn’t enjoy it. What I will say is that kissing another woman was different. Lips were smoother and dare I say technique slightly more erotic?

I won’t be kissing any more girls again (or at least I don’t think I will) but I don´t regret the kiss I shared with my friend either. Firstly because neither of us took it seriously to the point of it meaning anything between us; secondly because it was something I’d never tried before (like to try everything at least once) and lastly because it just made me realise just how heterosexual I am.
Not trying to put the damp towel on lesbian kissing, I dare say that it is an exceptionally good kiss. However, there was something missing in that kiss that I could only find in the kiss of the man next to me… those stronger lips, tougher skin and intense heat that makes a girl weak at her knees…
Then there’s everything that involves the kiss with a man: the way he holds you while he kisses you, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips and the way he moves his tongue with yours… there’s pure magic in a man’s kiss!
While there’s a thrill in a kiss with a woman, it’s the man’s kiss that keeps me coming back for more!

Later that very night, I had someone I’d just met try and steal kisses from me. Amused and flattered I had to admire the guy’s persistence. However, this person wasn’t as lucky. I had only two kisses for the night and neither of them belonged to him. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction for the simple reason that my lips craved the magic I’d tasted in the kiss of someone else. Even though both kisses were forbidden, they served in a positive purpose, making me realise the true value of a kiss to me.

A good friend of mine taught me that a person only has as much value as you give them, I believe that the same regards for kisses as well.

I Don´t Wanna Talk About It

I Don´t Wanna Talk About It

carla.ornelas@gmail.com
As an adamant believer in communication, I’ll probably be the first to say that there’s very little that one thinks and feels that shouldn’t be said. If you’re looking for a reaction, for a change or for any kind of feedback: you must be willing to risk opening your mouth and speak your peace.
Be it in your career, with family, friends or that special someone you simply can’t seem to find the words to express how you feel… the longer you avoid or postpone the truth, the more it seems to gain weight on your shoulders.
Choosing the right words may seem a difficult task but as long as you remember your intention and the truth in your message: there’s nothing in the world that can’t be said…

Conversation is meant to carry across a message, clarify doubts and convey the truth. It becomes as important to the receivers as it is for the communicators when you realise that at times the slightest, most unimportant bit of information a person can give us may just be the leading key factor in the decisions we make.
Stronger than force, superior than intelligence and mightier than the sword: words have the power to move mountains. Words are so magical or so fatal that one might even describe them as witchcraft from those who know how to use them.

And yet… there are times in our lives when silence is the only form of expression worthy of how we feel.

The gift of foresight is the one that allows a person to already know where every road may lead and the end to every conversation. A clairvoyant may not be able to tell you much about the journey but still manages to tell you where you may end up when you choose a certain path. When it comes to talking, this path may make all the difference. The words we choose to speak determine how effective our conclusions will be.

When the ending to a conversation is a definite solid, some of us choose to not bother with the chatter in between. It’s pretty much like trying to talking to a lawyer after you’ve been sentenced: no matter what you say you’re going to be punished anyway, so why bother? I had a truly hard time comprehending the concept of silence when words are the windows to all hope…

However, I understand the need for silence when no words can change facts. It’s like wishing that the sky was pink and that the ocean tasted like strawberries.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I don’t want to say the words that will generate the answers I already know. Why torture the both of us with talk that changes nothing and puts at risk everything?
Lately I feel that the truth can be as painful as a lie… and although we’ve never lied to each other, there are some truths I prefer not to speak about.. It’s like walking on broken glass: Why crush something that’s already broken?

Not all communication can be predictable. Not all roads take to you to all the same places and one should be quite certain about the outcome before allowing assumption or guessing shape our decisions or words. However, when you know for certain the answer to the question; you might want to save your breath.

Let’s Just Be Friends

Let’s Just Be Friends

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

The worst speech known to mankind (and womankind mind you!) is that which begins with “let’s just be friends”. Jerry Seinfield and Eminem are strong protestors of this ego-shattering and heart-wrenching talk that the opposite sex gives you just before they let you know you don’t stand a chance in hell of having your feelings reciprocated.
At first you feel that sharp breaking of your heart and then you hear that loud crashing of your hopes and your first reaction is generally to feel sorry for yourself.
Eventually you realise that you’re not the kind to play victim and so the only natural reaction is to get really pissed off at the person who obviously didn’t appreciate your efforts to tell them how you feel!

It’s so easy to lash out when you’re hurt. That dull ache that sits in your throat makes you want to scream in frustration and the weight on your shoulders makes you want throw a punch at everything and everyone who gets in your way. You rack your brain for valid justifications but the only one you keep coming back to is that you simply weren’t good enough… or that you were too good (depending on how good your ego treats you).
Either way, no conclusion helps you get that person out of your head as you struggle to accept that they… just want to be friends.

I recently bumped upon the blog of someone I’d run across a couple of times. Not knowing him well enough to have any concrete opinion, my impression of him however was of a really cool guy, the kind I’d introduce any of my girls to. Poetry, verses and generally great pieces of writing is some of the stuff I based my opinion on (that and the fact that he looks good in a suit!). Imagine my shock when I read something completely out of context labelled: Male Values.
Yeap you guessed it: Due to an unfortunate heartbreak, our buddy decided to turn against the whole female race:
“Virgins were too much work to be bothered with”, “picking out a girl is like grocery shopping” and my absolute peeve: “there should be a law that every man should be allowed to have sex with any woman who wears a short skirt and low cut blouse.”
Of course if you’re a guy, you might find some of this “male-talk” amusing. If you’re the skirt’s boyfriend, brother, best friend or the skirt herself… you might just feel the urgeto put out a death warrant on the asshole that decided to classify all women the same... degrading! Would you ever treat a cat the same way you would treat a tiger? Hell no… I kindly reminded our writer that he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to me referring to every male as: “a walking penis I can bend and shape at my will!”

After seeing red, I decided to do my community service for the day and do society a favour by setting the kid straight! I decided to comment my opinion on his male values. Translation: I let him have it!

I expected two of the following reactions: either he slandered me on his blog or he would send me hate mail (tough statements call for tough comments – only dish out what you can swallow I always say!). However, I was surprised, impressed and slightly relieved by the mature e-mail I got (There is hope for men after all – hehehe… There! I generalised, here’s your opportunity to get back at my comment!).
It seems our young writer just had a bad case of the sour grapes and not so far from the mature world as I’d feared! In fact, I’d say that after he’s vented, he might just handle things pretty well. I’m rooting for you kid!

Through times countless friendships have been screwed up on account of developing attraction by one or both parties. It isn’t by chance that Billy Crystal in “When Harry Met Sally” made a point of saying that men and women can’t be friends. Someone eventually ends up wanting to sleep with the other and it screws things up. I once had a friend who said the validation of a friendship depends on the time it takes for the hormones to override someone’s system. Of course when love is involved: the consequences double in damage!

Picture the following scenario:
Great friends; the kind that tell each other anything and everything and understand each other on every level. Somewhere along the line (probably after you saw him shaking his thing on the dancefloor) you realise that you might just want some more:
So after months of consideration, you eventually find the courage to take the plunge and tell him how you feel. Taking great pains to look good, wearing that perfume you know he likes and your hair the way he thinks it suits you… you hide your sweaty hands and blurt out that your feelings go beyond friendship.

And then comes that damn speech “I care about you but…. Blah blah blah… let’s just be friends”

And now you sit around wide awake with your world half asleep wondering what the hell to do with your feeling wishing you’d never opened your mouth in the first place!

The End? Game Over?
Why is it that people mistaken this speech for the end?
The person to proclaim their undying love forgets that while they’ve been planning the moment for months, it might probably never passed their friend’s mind. In fact their first reaction might probably be: “It hit me like a ton of bricks”…
Just because you’ve been fantasizing 24/7 doesn’t mean he has! How would you react in his shoes? And yet you choose to give up so easily…

When women complain that men don’t fight for them… this is exactly what they’re referring to! Instead of him sticking around to see if you change your mind, he finds a quick replacement… or turns into a monster!
Imagine yourself wanting to work for a certain company… are you going to accept the first “no” they give you or will you keep sending your CV until you get the position you’re looking for? Perseverance means you’ll either get the job or land something better in your searching process.

If you truly care about the person; face it: your feelings aren’t just going to disappear! And obviously it hurts like hell when the object of your affections speaks about someone else… but if your friendship is one of understanding, there should be no problem in keeping the “love” topic off limits. Why create distance? You know you’re not going to forget the person in any case and chances are that if you stick around, you might just be giving the person a chance to realise what they’re missing out on. Give the person enough reasons to love you… and they just might. Basically you give them the opportunity to toy with the idea that you’ve been toying with the last couple of months: taking the friendship to the next level!

All is fair in love and war! Don’t get mad… get even!

Distract yourself with a new friendship without letting go of the old one. No one likes having their space stolen in a person’s life no matter how small it may be. It’s one way of getting the object of your affection to realise how much they miss you, how much you mean to them. If all else fails, you’ll end up with a new friend and time will take care of healing your wounds without losing any friends.

It’s simple: no lies, no manipulation, no resentment and no self-pity. Be yourself, maintain as best you can the friendship and let time write its fate. Note: I said it was simple, not easy. Anyone know of any other honest solution?

While it’s true that the “let’s just be friends” speech is one of the hardest for any love-struck human being to withstand, the fact is that your attitude will define how much you truly lose or gain from it. If nothing else is understood from the above writing remember this: Just because a person doesn’t love you the way you love them, doesn’t mean they don’t love you the most that their heart allows.

PS: A note to all my very close guy friends: thanks for helping me prove them all wrong about male-female friendships. I love you all the best a friend or a sister ever could!

Never Saying Never Again

Never Saying Never Again

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

My father has always warned me to: “never say never”. And whilst this seems to be quite an annoying quote to learn when you’re young; you realise as you grow older that it might be one of the most important philosophies to live by. After this weekend’s events, I decided that the whole concept of “never say never” is life’s way of proving you wrong!

A day at the beach had to be cancelled due to cloudy conditions and so the girls and I had to make alternative plans for the Saturday. Stocking up on all green and juicy things; the girls and I began our afternoon together making two salads whilst discussing important worldly affairs such as: our independence. We all came to the unanimously consensus that a cellphone and independence are things that a girl simply cannot abdicate from! Going into an in depth analyses we came to the conclusion that a woman can do anything a man can… and she’ll do it in high heels! This is the part where I tell my girls that I simply couldn’t see myself sharing my roof with anyone else and that I’d never need a man in my life.

Although I’m adamant about my convictions, I realise now that I made a huge mistake when I used the “n…..” word! Fate it seems… decided to prove me wrong!

Three hours, two movies, a couple of slices of tuna pizza and a few bowls of salad later, my miellie sisters and I, were so excited to rush out the door to go watch the fireworks display in town that is was only after I heard that click that I’d realised I’d made a huge mistake. Earlier when dumping out the garbage, I’d used my spare key and left it in the keyhole. Now that I was on the other side, my original key wouldn’t go through and in short: I locked myself out my own house!

Yeah! Sure… laugh! Like you haven’t locked yourself out before?!!

Breaking an umbrella, three women struggled with a wire and a keyhole ending in nothing more than a fruitless sweat. I had no choice but to swallow my pride and do what just that afternoon I swore I wouldn’t do, I picked up the phone stifled a sob and tried not to sound panicked as I wailed into the receiver:
“Please save me!!! I need you!!!”

Ten minutes later my uncle arrived with a toolbox and a smug smile on his face. I tried not to look so relieved as I watched him work. After a good while of struggling along with a little help from my neighbour, I realised that my whole anti-theft precautions were working against me!
My uncle is an expert at Do-It-Yourself, so it was when he told me that he couldn’t get it open that I really began to panic.
Never having to use the number before, I dialled 112 and tried to picture the fat laugh the operator would have with her colleagues once she’d sent someone to open my door.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see two men in uniform! Screw the whole shining armour prince on a white horse: try two gorgeous firemen in a fire truck! My aunt who’d heard about the bold statement I’d given to my girl friends earlier was giggling reminding me that I didn’t need one, not two… but four men! She doubled on the floor laughing when the firemen told us we had to wait for the police: the number increased to six!

Six men applied pressure to my door in order to side a film that was supposed to open it up. I suppose that if I’d been thinking clearly, I would’ve been more than amused at six muscular bodies trying to force their way into my life! If only they’d put as much effort into entering my heart, I’d die a happy woman! Alas, my front door is the exact replica of my beating heart and they couldn’t so much as get the film to pass through.
I was practically in tears when someone announced that the only way in would be to break the door down. Immediately I had the two cute policemen patting my back and messaging my shoulders telling me that no one was going to break anything down until the locksmith had a chance to look at it. One of the firemen ran back to his truck to find the locksmith’s number whilst the other tried cheering me up by telling me that I should then go out and buy another lock just like it! Realising that the only solution would be to drill, we resigned to leave it for the following morning and went outside in time to watch the fireworks display begin.

Six men and still my door wasn’t open… how many more men was I going to need??

Three men and a thick drill!!! For two hours straight these men drilled into my lock taking out each of the seven lock pins one by one. Frustration mounted as I realised that I was helpless to do anything and that my high heels weren’t going to help me in this situation. Almost resigning myself to the breaking down of my door, my aunt had the brilliant idea of trying out the firemen’s strategy on one of the windows and sure as hell… it opened! I had never been to happy to be in my own house again!!!

…As you might’ve noticed: without the woman, the men still wouldn’t have gotten the job done!!!

The moral of the story though is to not ever say “From this glass of water, I shall not drink”. For tomorrow you might have to gulp it down with thirst. You never know in life what or who you may need in future or in this case: in the present. As I lay my head back on my own pillow tonight, I’ll be more humble in my prayers. I’ll thank God that we listened to my aunt before breaking down the door and I’ll apologise for saying that I’ll never need a man. I still don’t think I need one, but I’ll never use the “never” word again. Because after all, I can’t say I don’t need a man when I do need one for: drilling keyholes, changing tyres, fixing cars, etc…

Yeap, I’ve learnt my lesson! If you use the word “never” you run the risk of life proving you wrong and therefore my friends I end this entry by reminding you all that I’ll never be a billionaire…. ;-P

Wind of Change

Wind of Change

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Lately it’s been touching me like a light breeze. As each day passes, I feel its strength increase while it whispers in my ears, blowing sweet nothings and everything’s through my hair. After so long of searching for it, it seems that it has found me: the wind of change.

Before I left South Africa, it seemed like everything simply fell into place. I finally saw those friends that I hadn’t seen for ages, buried old hatchets and mended fences. Although time was limited, miraculously it seemed there was enough of it to do all the things that needed to be done. Without much planning and with little effort, things somehow just fell into place. And while it seemed that change was difficult, it became clear to me that change becomes easier once your mind and heart are set.
After six weeks since deciding upon my departure, I stood looking through my bedroom window onto clear blue skies in awe of how difficult and easy it is to close a chapter on our lives.
At that moment, I zipped up the two large suitcases, rechecked that my passport and boarding pass was in my handbag and took a deep breath before saying goodbye to the room that was home to my soul. Even once buckled up in my chair, I wasn’t sure whether or not to run back to my devastated parents. Your soul is sure, your heart never truly is.

Three years and nine months I’ve been living on Madeira Island. Two of these years, I’ve been planning to get out. Out where?
Anywhere.
Any place that will give me the opportunity to continue growing and learning. I want evolution in my education, in my career and I seek the opportunity to get to know more people. It’s in the name of this quest that I’ve searched release from the limits an island imposes upon me.

Countless Curriculum Vitae’s have been sent around the world.
England.
Canada.
New York.
Florida.
Brazil
Lisbon… and even
Sunny South Africa.

Where do I truly want to go? I don’t know how to answer that question except to say:
I want to go where the wind takes me, where the earth moves me and where I can build my home. I want to go where opportunities grab me and where destiny pulls me; I want to be where I belong… I just don’t know exactly where that is. But I’ll let you know once I get there.

It’s not as if life doesn’t give me opportunities… but all of the ones I’ve gotten lately, my heart tells me not to follow.
Secretary to a pharmaceutical company?
I’m capable of so much more than that!... even if I’m meant to earn more money.
And so I allow these opportunities to pass me by, whilst I wait for the right turn off onto the highway of my destiny.

In the last two weeks. I’ve finally finished those chores I’ve been meaning to finish for months. I’ve filled the blanks to mysteries that threatened never to be solved and I’ve managed to update all my personal paperwork. Clients that have left pending issues with me for months suddenly have appeared to resolve them. It seems like fate, for no apparent reason has decided to spring clean my life. Closing my eyes and humbly thanking God for these small opportunities that make a big difference I recognise the hand of the wind of change.

No, I haven’t gotten any concrete offers. I don’t know what I’ll be doing in the next six months or how I’m going to cope but I do know where I’ll be. It seems life has chosen Lisbon as my next destination and my soul is so sure that it’s willing to put its certainty into these written words. The interviews that await me no longer make me nervous.
As if something stronger than me has taken over the control of my life, I watch in awe as things begin to fall into place.

When life brings you to the crossroads do you embrace the wind of change or do you fight against it? Change has and always will be frightening for all of us even though there are those more adept for it than others.
Doubt confirms that the change is for real.
You are then given the choice to hold onto the opportunity that life gives you or allow it to pass you by. Some opportunities come around more than once, but most are the kind that may never pass you by again. To know that you have this choice, you must be able to recognise the wind of change. Allow it to speak to you. To touch you and your life for only then can you decide whether or not to embrace it.

Misconceptions

Misconceptions

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

If you choose to draw your own conclusions without communicating with the person or people concerning the situation… you run the risk of getting it all wrong.

Nothing pisses me off more than people who try to be clairvoyant, jumping to conclusions and divulging them with the same conviction as if they were hardened facts.
In most cases, people choose to behave this way either because they can’t face the truth or because the truth is not to their benefit. Friendships and all sorts of relationships have been lost due to sheer pride and arrogance of those that choose not to smooth out the fine printed details… All it takes to save them is sincere, honest communication.

Three years ago there was tension between two good colleagues of mine. Being friends to both Spit and Spot, I found myself in the uncomfortable position somewhere in the middle of a war. While cannon balls and explosive bombs were thrown both ways, I managed to keep myself safely out of the reach of fire. At the time I figured that as long as I didn’t get involved, both friendships could easily be maintained.
I was wrong.
By means which I only found out later, Spit got word of Spot’s secret strategy and managed to cause serious havoc in Spot’s game plan. Considering I was the only mutual and neutral neighbour, the immediate conclusion by Spot was betrayal from my part.
Angry beyond belief, I couldn’t believe that Spot could so much have even considered my involvement. Worse than the offensive conclusion was the fact that it hadn’t come to my understanding directly from Spot but from other sources and needless to say, disappointment and hurt is what one feels when a friend of yours can’t be bothered to confront you with their suspicions of something you may have done wrong.
And yet… I decided to confront Spot and set the truth straight. I was innocent and I wanted Spot to know the truth.
But when the time came to confront Spot, she turned her back deciding to neither hear the truth nor attempt to save a friendship, resolving to stick to the conclusions to which she had drawn.
Frustrated at the injustice of accusations I wasn’t guilty of; I sat in an empty office and cried. Two days later I attempted another confrontation with the same result and on the failure of my third attempt I came to the following conclusion:

People draw their own conclusions when the possibility of the truth either doesn’t suit them or they simply have not the courage to face it.

I was told this by a stranger who found me crying and told me that I hadn’t lost a friend; destiny had decided to remove someone not worthy enough to be in my life. For what kind of a friend simply lets go of a friendship without so much as talking out the truth?

Today I ran into Spot as I left one of my best friends at church. She looked at me with a weak smile and I decided to maintain my dignity by greeting her.
An innocent (wo)man has no reason to behave as if guilty.
I found out later that the truth is as reliable as oil in water… it eventually surfaces. She knew of my innocence and yet never found the courage to straighten things out. Just before I got on the bus to leave, I got a message asking me to meet her for coffee and talk. After fifteen minutes of idle chatter I decided to cut the bullshit short by cutting straight to the truth and asking her if she was ready to talk about what happened. It somehow amazed me that even after knowing the truth; Spot could still not face it choosing to stare at her lap instead of looking me in the face.
“Was that so hard?” I asked after all was said and done.
I watched the face of woman nodding, who now understands the importance of communication. And even though we may never return to the friendship that we once had, destiny made sure that we both learnt this precious lesson.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.

Everyone has a turn at being the victim to someone else’s illusions. They don’t always necessarily create bad impressions: my latest role is lover to a distant work colleague.
A perfectly good friendship has suddenly been characterised by outsiders as a secret love affair which the more I deny, the more weight it seems to carry.
Quite annoyed by the unfounded rumour (especially since I hold none of the benefits that this role implies!), I decided to look the misconceptor in the eye and tell him that I’ve got about as much intimacy with my supposed lover as I do with him… In a full office with radar ears this created an even bigger suspense: “Has she slept with that colleague too?”…
This false impression however, is more his problem than it is mine!
I laugh off the misconceptions. Fighting them is almost the same as confirming them to someone who chooses not to believe otherwise. Luckily, neither my friend nor I take these comments seriously and we choose not to let them bother us. Our friendship is too precious to be dented by other people’s illusive opinions.
For the truth is truly only important to those that hold it and those who truly seek it.

Living on an island where people worry more about other people’s lives than their own, I often worry about the damage created by misconceptions and jumping to the wrong conclusions.
When people deny you the chance to defend yourself, you become the person they describe you to be until the truth eventually emerges.
Perhaps they blame you for something said or something that happened, giving you labels such as: bitch, slut, hypocrite etc.
You can either choose to fit into this role or simply wait until the truth emerges… and it always does. When you can’t defend yourself, simply be yourself.
The truth is generally the best vindication against slander and those that are not blind eventually see.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. When in doubt, choose to believe the person who seeks the truth instead of the person who claims to know it for he is the creator of misconceptions. You cannot prevent people from lying or distorting the truth but you can keep yourself from falling victim by choosing to be honest until the truth prevails.

Giving Wings To Forbidden Thoughts

Giving Wings To Forbidden Thoughts

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

In the privacy of my own mind, I set my thoughts free and dare to imagine the things I don’t allow myself the privilege during the day.
Tiny images and clips of forbidden thoughts play from under my subconscious and I can’t help but smile and giggle at the knowledge of what I force myself to suppress daily.
Some are innocent thoughts… like those of hidden desires to throw my boss out the balcony, just before I tie him to his chair and shave off his eyebrows!
Then of course there are those clients that I’d love to make them swallow their cell phones while I stick my pen up their noses right after I write “Spoilt Baby Brat” on their foreheads with a permanent marker.
If only we could simply do what we felt like doing…
I would’ve sat on the lap of that idiot that cat called me when I went to buy bread this morning, blocked his nose and whispered “Go ahead… whistle again!”

If thoughts were public we’d all be in a whole heap of trouble!...

The warning bells usually go off with more vigour when it comes to thoughts of the opposite sex…. That ex-boyfriend, your best friend’s boyfriend, your teacher, your work colleague, your client, perhaps a married person… or even your gay friend.
There are people of the opposite sex that you simply shouldn’t think of in a certain way… a kiss… a caress… a tight squeeze… a wild night and an untamed morning…
These are all highly forbidden when associated with people you’re not allowed to be attracted to do. And normally you’re not…
In fact, during almost all the time you distinguish your individual roles perfectly and manage to keep yourself within boundaries…
But when the night comes…
When time is on your hands and you dare to take the leash off your senses…
Fantasies roam free and you find yourself thinking the unthinkable.

The difference between man and animal is that man holds the power of decision and therefore he withholds against instinct.
While this can be a dagger of two sharp blades, the fact is that to survive within the homo-sapiens jungle, one must learn to refrain from acting on all desires.
And so we teach and programme our minds to function a certain way, emphasizing thoughts that accomplish our goals and eliminating those that hinder our growth.
But when the loneliness comes… when the world is shut away, you begin to hear yourself think and your mind takes you places that you dare not envision.

Set your mind free.

Dream whatever you feel you want to dream, picture, visualise and fantasize about all the things your mother and friends would be shocked to know.
Why not think more, feel more, create more in your mind. After all, nothing prevents you from reaching new heights, creating different ideas… even if they never get played out anywhere further than the back of your mind. Sometimes we discover the most interesting things about ourselves when we think the unthinkable.

Out of fifty thoughts I will but react on one… this goes to say that I know how to distinguish between a thought I should act on and one I should write about…
I began this piece with a thought I wanted to share… but instead I leave you with nothing more than the concept.
For my thoughts and dreams are mine alone to shape and mould as I see fit and replay whenever I want to escape reality or simply think of mischievous things…
So go ahead, make your own movie with janitor, the bank manager or the pizza delivery boy for the only limits are those which you yourself impose on your mind.
And the next time you see someone smiling for no apparent reason… know that they’re only doodling in their private thoughts.

The Matrix

The Matrix

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Many people have lost their minds because of it. The question that drives them is a decision we all have to make. When life presents us with two coloured pills, most of us spend as much time as we can stalling the decisive moment. Eventually… we all must make that choice and pick an answer for the question that drives us all…

What is the matrix? Love? Where is the love?... what is real?

We search for it in the eyes of those we meet; those we befriend and those we interact with. Knowing that somewhere out there, there is someone with the ability to make us feel complete. For most of my life I've heard people refer to this person as one's soul mate. And even though everyone around you looks for this person, you find yourself inexplicably looking for that person too… a desire not taught but self developed.

This process repeats itself with two kinds of people: two pills:
Those who love and those who don't.

There are those that chase love like one chases a butterfly, a rainbow or a fairytale. I see these people fall in love over and over again. Once time has dissipated the effects left by the intoxication of pheromones, the veil of illusion is lifted: they realise that perhaps love did not exist where it once did and leave on their ongoing search for "true" love. Dreamers? Yes, maybe, definitely: but no more than you or I. for it's the desire that drives them: the matrix born within us.

Then there are those we label cruelly as the slaves to the system. They pick their partners as one would pick out a pair of shoes:
Colour - check
Texture - check
Soles - check
Height, size, thickness, durability, price, label… everything is considered before making the purchase that is intended to match the image chosen for oneself. And who can blame them? If love is no more than a passing feeling that fades then why not choose the person that best suits your ambitions and life's goals.
In a world where couples pair off and separate about as quickly as someone sneezes, we're all left wary and doubtful about who we should invest our hearts in. At an age were we can afford to be demanding, people decide to settle for no less than the best. And who is their best partner? They search for compatibility in likes, dislikes, physical features and career choices. And after a trial test drive, if the specimen isn't up to their standards you simply trade them in for another.

Take the blue pill and you choose the perfectly balanced relationship basing your choices on carefully calculated and analysed factors. Such as: "he'll never cheat on me; he'll treat me like a princess; my parents love him: he responsive and credible enough for a future"
These of course are not guarantees but safe bets.
Take the red pill choosing to try out every possible relationship. No one of the opposite sex can be seen as merely a friend without being a possible candidate. Throw all caution to the wind and with it possibly your soul as well, as you analyze every detail as a sign.

There are those of us who choose not to make a choice… and that too is a decision.
While some people choose to live out a script that is written, others prefer to write it as they go along. Destiny is written for some, defied by others and then there are those of us that sit somewhere in between. We stare at those two pills that the strange hand of fate puts before us and choose not to pick one.

How do you tell these people apart? Easy.
The love struck ones live life through their pretty painted glasses, breaking down if you try to make them see through anything else than their pink lenses. The calculists are those who refuse to bring emotions into their decisions often lashing out if you attempt to speak to their hearts… and the inbetweeners?... they're usually the ones you find looking out into the distance, the ones who struggle to believe in love but cannot deny its existence; the ones who live on a prayer; perhaps still trying to decide which pill to take.

There is nothing more I enjoy more than finding these wanderers in the dense crowd. They look at you with the tired of eyes of someone who still hasn't found what they're looking for and smile in silent recognition. Not wanting to wear the pink glasses, they refuse however to sell their hearts knowing that somewhere out there, there exists the one: that one person that their hearts were programmed to search for.

The Answer is out there if you dare to look and allow it to find you…
That person may or may not be out there:
The One that rules the matrix you were born into.

Back to ABC... Keeping it Simple

Back to ABC... Keeping it Simple

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

I’d like to thank those that remembered me today considering that today was as much my day is it is any other six-year old! Celebration of Children’s day is something we can all do considering that inside our souls there lives an eternal child. In honour of this day I decided to share the secret of some of the best moments I’ve lived these past few days: those which I basically lived… simply.

Children love trips. My little brother wants to be a pilot and almost every kid I know shines at the opportunity to go on a plane regardless of where it’s going.
The child in me is more interested in the voyage rather than the destination.
Tired, drained, worn-out and beat… this is how I arrived at the airport on Friday evening after a day that had sucked all the energy out of me. I still had a ninety minute flight ahead before I could lay my head down to rest and somehow… that made all the difference!
There are few people that can comprehend my fascination with aeroplanes. How can I possibly enjoying being cooped up like a sardine inside a giant machine that could fall out of the sky… this of course is not to mention how exhausting the whole experience is.
I simply tell them that how you choose to live the experience determines how good or bad it can be…
To sit at an airport terminal with your legs tucked under you, a good book in your hand, your favourite music in playing through your earphones and occasionally watching a plane take off in front of you as you patiently wait for your own flight… is what I consider to be therapy!
Then there’s the take off, that exhilarating pull of energy in your stomach as you realise that you’ve no longer got contact with the ground and that you’re being taken higher than you can possibly reach… You sit for those ninety minutes and do whatever feels best: you can read, you can listen to your music, you can mellow in your thoughts… or you can close your eyes and merely feel your shoulder relax. At times, I wonder if time stops with the slowing down of my heartbeat.
Landing can be just as exciting, that cute airhostess that gotten me the apple juice earlier asked me to fasten my seatbelt and gave me one of those million dollar smiles that makes one grateful that it’s not only females that make airhostesses nowadays.
Watching a whole city beneath you; tiny lights zooming to and fro and the expansive view below that makes you feel small causes you to tingle in your seat. Excitement builds just as the plane flies closer to the ground, you take a deep breath as you brace yourself for that touch… that brute connection that tells you that you’re once again part of the earth.
I was so engrossed with the whole experience that I only realise that I’d been sharing the flight with a client when he tapped my shoulder at the luggage conveyer belts. Although I enjoy the solitude of travelling at night, I was still grateful for the familiar face and the friendly chat that allowed me the opportunity to rub off some of my travelling passion with a frequent flyer that had forgotten its taste.

Children look to be with the people that love them the most and give them the freedom to be themselves.
The child in me longs to be surrounded by the people that I love the most.
Spending two days with my cousin in Lisbon was like spending two weeks at a Club Med resort. I state this because all the objectives of a holiday were achieved: I managed to sleep soundly and restfully, I felt no pressure or responsibility and I shared my time with my cousin: a person that cares about me and that I love to bits!
In these two days we did some of my favourite things: we talked; we laughed; we watched movies (I recommend the Phantom of the Opera to all classical music lovers!) and we spent a whole afternoon at a book fair where I found my companions for my summer holidays! Searching through great covers, prologues and authors: I lost myself in a written world that I would gladly have locked my mind in! My pleasure and satisfaction concluded with a sigh, a bag of four new books and an ice cream!

Children aren’t afraid of asking silly questions!
The child in me has always wondered why people refer to some relationships as “cat and dog”. And why is the woman always portrayed as the cat leaving the male to be the dog? After some serious thought, I decided that it should be the other way around! Considering that in general, women have a greater capacity for faithfulness than men: women should be portrayed as the dog. Not to mention that a creature which is aloof and uncommitted such as the cat is more easily identified with men.
By the end of the weekend, I changed my mind!
Pandora and Kika are two gorgeous cats that have become extensions of my cousin’s family. Although they are loved and spoilt, they don’t give confidence easily and it became clear to me that I’d have to conquer their trust if I was to get close enough to pet them. Kika was the easier of the two; she eventually let me pet her when I found her on her favourite spot in the sun on top of the washing machine… the fact that I brushed her fur helped all the more! Pandora however wasn’t as easy and it was just as I was about to give up that she jumped on the couch and gave me the opportunity to touch her. She purred as I stroked her and I thought I’d finally won her trust, however just a half hour later she was running away again.
I realised then that perhaps it is fair to compare women to cats considering that a woman’s heart needs to be conquered. It takes patience to win her trust but always worth it in the end. However, never take a person for granted or you’ll lose them from your sight.

Children enjoy playing with other children.
The child in me feels the need to be around other kids.
Have you ever noticed how stupid people behave around babies? What would you think if someone made funny noises and pulled faces at you? Sometimes you just can’t help it!
Children have the tendency to bring out our most infantile reactions causing us to look like twits while we try everything to get them to smile. Luckily the baby boy I had the pleasure of meeting was a bubbly and friendly bag of giggles that didn’t hesitate to jump into my lap. Suppressing my most maternal instincts to go out and make one of my own, I decided that it was high time my cousins started having kids! (hint, hint!)

Children love trying out new things.
The child in me searches for new adventures, the kind that haven’t been tried out before.
Riding the train and eating Haagen Dazs whilst zooming on the highway were a definite first for me! I tried not to look so pathetic whilst enjoying a train ride that most people found a tedious mode of daily transportation. Engrossed with the view, I hardly felt the speed at which the train travelled by and I decided that a trip by train to Madrid or somewhere in Europe was a vacation definitely worth considering in future!
Praline Haagan Dazs… so good, you’ll think it’s a sin! The last time I had ice cream that good was Gino Ginelli’s Double Toffee back in South Africa. For a dairy lover such as myself, especially for one keen on ice creams this was a definite high-light to my trip to Lisbon! The best life’s lessons are those learnt together with your mates: I learned that you should always have spoons in your glove compartment and we learnt that wet wipes make a better emergency kit choice than mere tissues.

When you have a good friend for company, even the North Pole can feel like paradise… thank-you to my cousin, my friends and my colleagues that made the short time I had in Lisbon feel that much special!

Children know to trust their elders for knowledge.
The child in me knows to search for the experienced when looking for advice.
This advice was given over the two strangest Hawaiian glasses I’ve ever seen! However, it was as good as the exotic potion inside them and in the midst of sincere conversation, I was reminded that people only have the importance that which we give them. Even my pride couldn’t ignore the strong truth in the fact that the people we care about hurt us the most because of the way we feel about them. To keep yourself from disappointment or anger, you simply reduce the importance of that person to you. It is the way to cease the power of their behaviour over you. I have to admit that this isn’t an easy concept for me and that it is about time that I give some people less importance and others a lot more.

Children go home at the end of the day.
The child in me wished for nothing more than to go home… wherever that is.
Whilst sitting at Gate fifteen waiting for my delayed flight I heard the call that froze my thoughts:
“Passengers leaving for Johannesburg via Maputo must board at gate twenty six”
Although I knew I shouldn’t… I couldn’t resist the magnetic pull that placed me on my feet and took me in the opposite direction of where I was supposed to be waiting.
I watched as the passengers boarded the plane that would take them to the city that I’ve been missing for the last three and a half years. My throat tightened as I saw the last of the passengers board and I knew that it would be so easy to slip between them considering that the airhostesses hardly looked at the ticket and the plane wasn’t too full that I couldn’t grab the first open seat. It wouldn’t be the first time that such a mistake had happened; surely I’d get away with it…
My heart broke inside my frozen body as they closed the terminal doors. I watched the plane pull away from the hanger silently wishing that it would take me with it. The intercom announcing my actual flight brought me back to my senses and the rough landing on Madeira’s elongated airstrip made me wish I’d had the courage to board the plane back home…

Children know that the quickest way anywhere is to travel in a straight line.
The child in me reminds me to keep things simple. Life’s memorable moments are those which are made special by the beholder.
A rollercoaster ride can be just as significant as a trip to the supermarket, searching for the bread aisle.
How good a moment can be depends on the company and the perspective you choose to live with. Children know that fun and joy only require the basic desire.