Decisions, Decisions...

Decisions, Decisions...

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Don’t you sometimes wish that life was as black and white as it was when you were a kid? There was wrong and then there was right and the decision was merely: be bad, or be good. (If you opt to be bad… be good at it)
Dad warned me that things were going to get difficult… I guess I just didn’t realise how difficult things would get. As you grow older, you obtain the ability to see things in different perspectives and somehow… it just makes the image blurrier!

Just when you think you have all the answer, life comes and changes the questions.

I realised that my inner turmoil began this afternoon at the point when I began considering the compromise of one of my moral principles.

To try and simplify this idea I tried to imagine explaining this concept by comparing my inner suffering to buying a pair of shoes:

You feel the need to buy yourself a pair of shoes. Not because you’re walking around barefoot but because you know the shoes you have won’t hold out much longer. You shop around and have a hard time finding the perfect pair. The strong and steady shoes are dull and ugly and the attractive looking ones are unreliable and probably won’t last you a fortnight. You’re just about to give up when you spot an expensive boutique from across the store you’re at. You know that the prices are out of your reach and even though you’ve gazed at the display window, you forbid yourself the torture of ever going in. However, today you can’t help but be mesmerized by the perfect pair of high heeled shoes on display. They are so perfect from where you’re standing that it looks like they were made especially for you! Against your best judgement you walk in and take a closer look. Biting your lower lip you tell yourself that you’re only going to feel them and then walk straight out on your hunt for the needed shoes that shouldn’t be as high as the ones you’re staring at. But you can’t resist trying them on… what harm will it do to see what they look like?! Not only are they the perfect fit but they make you look the perfect image of who you feel you are. Comfortable and elegant you find yourself desiring those shoes with an ache too loud to ignore. Although the price is high, it isn’t completely out of your range and with the right amount of sacrifice, you realise that it isn’t an impossible purchase….

And that’s when you feel the way I’m feeling!!!

First come the lame excuses:
“I have nothing to wear them with”
“They´ll probably give me a bad back”
“They probably don´t look too good on me”
“They´re not exactly in the latest fashion”
“If I only wear them once it will be a waste of money”

After torturing yourself with minor details that in the end you know are merely self-created obstacles, you take a deep breath and once again sink down to the real reasons that keep you between the door and the till.
Fully aware that what you hold in your hands is a pair of shoes, you run the same risk of it tearing, and a heel breaking as you would in any normal priced pair of shoes. This kind of disappointment cannot be foretold or avoided. You also know that they won’t last forever and all you’ll be left with is the photos in which you wore them.
And yet… you know how good they complement you, how wonderful you feel when you put them on and all the places you know they could take you…

I haven’t changed my opinions or principles, with time I simply see things in a different perspective. Where I once swore I’d never buy a pair of expensive shoes, I know see the positive aspects of making a small sacrifice. So perhaps it is a mistake to fork out an extra thirty or forty euros for shoes that you can’t keep eternally… at least I know that when I wear them I’ll feel sexy, confident and self-worthy and therefore I can see the positive aspects of such a monumental mistake.
A friend of mine recently told me: Life isn’t difficult, we make things difficult… and while that comment is true, I still find that on certain days life can be as easy or as difficult as buying a pair of shoes.