carla.ornelas@gmail.com
I woke up this morning and leaned on the fridge while I waited for the kettle to boil. I stared at the red button until it went off and as I drank my cup of tea I stared out my window at nothing in particular.
When I got to the office, I greeted the people, switched on my computer and opened the door to the balcony. Deciding to appreciate the view that I often neglect, I leaned against the railing and stared at the ocean. I didn’t think of much except of how fresh the air smelt that morning. Staring at the glistening reflexes of the sun that bounced off the calm waves I imagined my soul seeping in sunshine and reflecting it twice its magnitude.
I took the time to think of someone special sending a text message and before the phones started ringing or the clients started rushing in, I read and forwarded those e-mails that you always leave for a calm day to look at.
The day hurried by so fast that if it weren’t for the colleague next to me asking where I wanted to eat, lunch hour might’ve passed by without me realising it.
Sitting down at a table full of conversation that had little interest, I was glad to let other people do the talking while I imagined myself outside that window, laughing, joking, happy… catching and reflecting sunshine.
After lunch, I walked into the boss’s office, to leave his flight tickets on his desk and decided to try out his big leather chair. Things looked different from his where he sat although nothing had changed. Allowing myself to feel in place, I twirled around the chair and gave myself another five minutes of bliss before returning to the desk piled with work so unlike the one I sat at.
After work I floated towards the bus but was caught by a familiar face that I’d almost walked right past without noticing. Invited to coffee, I sat at the table while my friend answered and spoke on her phone. Tall people, short people, people with bags, people with smiles, people going places, people going nowhere, people looking for a place to go, I watched as the world passed me by.
Arriving home, I stared at my phone and waited for it to ring. I wanted it to ring though I enjoyed its silence and whilst I stared at it on my kitchen table I pondered whether I should eat or take a shower first.
Have you ever spent a day when you felt that your spirit lived outside your body? Your vital signs are working and your reactions are automatic, almost programmed while you watch yourself from a distance. Unable or unwilling to return to yourself, you simply allow yourself to exist while you wait for your soul to once again make a connection with your body.
The reconnection comes at the strangest moment… mine was in the shower just as I was finishing washing off the conditioner. Feeling the hot jet of water wash away the day’s efforts, I finally began to feel my toes and fingers once again. Switching off the water, I wrapped a towel around my body and stood for the longest time, staring at my reflection in the mirror. It was only when my body was cold and the steam was gone that I found the strength to get out the tub.
Don’t ask me how I’m feeling… ask me how I want to feel.
When you think my thoughts are far, I’m really right beside you. When I isolate myself, retreat from the normal world and give in to the autopilot I’m not losing my soul… I’m finding it.
We all need the time, the space and the silence…
I’m not searching for answers; I’m merely listening to myself.
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