Self Empowerment

Photosource: Unknown

After many years of dealing with family drama and conflict, I decided that when I had one of my own I would not tolerate such behaviour.
Nothing is more humiliating that a public display of displeasure or disagreement.
And so, when such moments arise I opt for either ignorance or silence to avoid the conflict until a later date when things can be discussed.
But silence can be interpreted in many ways and as of late I’ve discovered that it is more often interpreted as stubbornness than resignation.
Too often I’ve resigned myself to other people’s wishes to avoid conflict, I find it easier to let go of my personal wants than to battle it out with the person that wants something different.
I realised today, what a huge mistake that is.
Unless you advertise every little choice that you make towards other’s wellbeing, people will always be too self-involved to acknowledge your effort. They take for granted all the time and decisions you give up for them and label you as ungrateful the minute you decide they can’t have that moment because you want one of your own.
Worse, the more you give up your choices, time and opinions – the more resentful you become.
Recently I evaluated how much of my time I actually invest in myself and was shocked with how little I do for myself these days.
Angry, mostly with myself for having allowed myself to reach such a point.
If people are walking all over me, it’s my fault for having let them.

I believe I’ve had my epiphany.
It came to me as I realised at the peak of my exhaustion that nobody gave a damn if I lay down on the floor and fell asleep right there.
I have a choice and I should be choosing to do the things that make me happy.
I can’t make other people happy if I’m not happy myself.
As for the silence – to avoid being misinterpreted I’ve decided to start telling people exactly how I feel and what I think.
At least if they don’t like it, they’ll know exactly what to judge me for.
Harmony is overrated – it’s for submissive people who like having their identity dictated.
It’s time I give strength to my voice.

Still getting hitched...

Photosource: unknown

I consider myself a practical woman when it comes to shopping.
I have limits to the amount of money I’m willing to spend on a certain item and I make the effort to not purchase more than what I need.
This doesn’t go to mean that every now and again I don’t pamper myself with some or other expense that doesn’t fall under the “Needed” list, but generally these treats are still controlled by my budget and what I can afford.
I’m not stingy with my earnings but I do my best to save as much as I can and I do this by always looking for the best bargain. I take quality into consideration but ultimately the price has the final say.
When undecided between any two investments, my golden rule is to opt for the cheapest option.
So far, my philosophy has worked well for me… that is, until the wedding plans.

Anyone who ever planned a wedding will tell you how many details there is to organise and how much each of them cost.
My better half and I decided in which details we’d be spending more and in which we’d be spending less…
The honeymoon for instance, is one of the details we both agreed to splurge on which will compensate for the cut in costs of the nuptial evening.

I find it useful to hear other people’s opinions and perspectives on the subject. Mostly they vary between the two extremes. Some of my friends are of the opinion that no cost should be an issue to invest in that one day of your life that little girls start dreaming of early in life. Whilst others shrug it off as an expensive event that should be budgeted wherever possible. A friend of mine, who is also planning a wedding, has managed to reduce costs to the point where the dress will be ordered at a low cost off the internet and the wedding favours made by hand. I’m all of the opinion that creative people have their chance to shine at these moments but considering that bricolage was never one of my strong points, I can’t imagine anything by my hand that I’d want to give to my guests. I also decided that I wanted my gift to be useful, practical – something I’d want to receive rather than some silly decoration that will be packed away in a drawer.

At first the wedding represented to me the day when I have all my family and friends together in one roof. I didn’t care if I was dressed in rags and the cake was made of cotton candy – nothing is more important to me than the presence of the people I care about. But as time and preparations have unfolded… I’ve discovered that the whole day is more important to me that I initially decided.
It all started when I put on “the” dress – I didn’t know it was the “one” until I put it on and saw myself in the mirror and thought “wow”.
I couldn’t believe the emotion I felt from looking at my reflection, I’d tried on other dresses but none had made me feel this way.
I didn’t feel like a girl in a white dress, I felt like a genuine bride and I could picture myself letting go of my daddy’s arm to join my man at the end of a red carpet.
Surreal! Even more so for being something more than a movie my mind made up… soon, it’s going to happen!
The thought alone made me feel faint and panic stricken although I can’t for the life of me explain why.
Maybe the corset was too tight or the heating was too high…
I definitely hadn’t counted on ever wearing one of these dresses.
Perhaps deep down I didn’t think I was good enough for one, or that I deserved it.
My dress wasn’t the most expensive of the store although it isn’t nearly as cheap as the dress my friend’s bride will be getting off the internet – but even if I wanted to, there’s simply no way I’d settle for any other dress regardless the price.
I wouldn’t have been able to pick out of a catalogue; in fact, it only came to life when I tried it on. I’m pleased that it was the cheapest of those that I’d seen but quite honestly, once I tried it on – price was no longer an issue.
Alright – I’ll admit, if it cost double of what I paid, I probably wouldn’t have bought it. Price as I already said – is always an issue and I have to consider that no matter how much I love the dress, it is an investment for only one day…

I wish I could tell the same story about the shoes…
My limit on how much I’m willing to spend on a pair of shoes is €25… €30 on boots. I’d already decided that I was going to leave buying the shoes for the wedding at a later date but on a day that I had time to spend, I decided to look around every shoe store in Baixa-Chiado and surprise surprise…
In winter you can’t find shoes of white or any other shade of white, unless you order off a catalogue of course which will bring up the price to what you would pay at a bridal store… so I decided to look in bridal stores.
And then I found them! These amazing shoes that I just fell head over heals for!
They fit and felt great!... Until I saw the price tag!
Luckily, my prudence lead me to the store where I bought my dress in hopes that they could arrange the same kind of shoes and hopefully cheaper.
To my utmost glee – the shoes had already been ordered and they were in fact cheaper.
However I’m still going to pay €85 for these beauties!
€85?!! I must be crazy! I don’t think I’ve ever bought a pair of shoes this expensive!
So why am I going to?
I could argue with you about the lack of options in conventional shoe stores and that they weren’t the most expensive ones I’d seen… blah… blah… blah….
But ultimately – they were sold the minute I slipped them one and saw myself in the mirror.

When I initially began planning for my wedding, the slogan was “good and cheap” but as time goes past, I realise more and more how this one day has suddenly taken up such significance to me. And reasonable prices, I should invest in making it a memorable day. The story of one of my colleagues is what helped me reach this conclusion.
At the time she got married, she resembled me in the sense that she liked things simple and so – her whole wedding was organised as simply as possible with a few guests, a simple gown and reception. As she described it to me I could see the emotion on her face as she told me that if she had the chance to do it all again, she would’ve done it differently.

My life’s philosophy on economics won’t change. I’m going to stay wise with my decisions and expenses – but I won’t deny myself any small joy or detail that I know is going to make my special day memorable.
It’s the day I get to share with all the people I care about, the commitment that already exists between me and my man.

The Bold and the Valiant

Photo Source: Unknown

Often people have the misconception that the brave are out there fighting their way through and standing up for what they believe in.
It seems that to be a warrior, one must be seen always with their sword in their hand.
Let they never be caught off guard!

What bollocks!
Courage isn’t always about the fight!
Courage is what it takes to try and make things work without having to fight.
The hero isn’t the guy that went off defending his virtues… to me the hero is the guy used diplomacy and patience to avoid the conflict.
Just because I know what I want doesn’t mean that I don’t seek out opinions.
It is not a sign of weakness when you let other people have their way.
It’s called patience, tolerance and often an intelligent tactic of someone who lets the little things slide so as to have more power to the larger issues.
Why do we assume that champions always know what they want and where they’re going?
Better to patiently wait for the fog to pass before choosing the road you want to follow than to blindly go the wrong way.
Courage is not the absence of fear.
Fear is a sign of the maturity one has when considering the consequences of his or her decisions and the responsibility one will have to take.
Courage is what makes us decide despite the doubts and hesitation.
Sometimes giving up is the biggest proof of courage there is – the hardest lesson I ever learnt in life was knowing when to let go.

I’ve been called the rock of Gibraltar… a woman with fibre… the tough nut to crack.
But I’m human.
I have a right to my frustrations and moments of weakness.
They don’t mean I’ve become weaker – I’m stronger because of them.
Don’t for a minute underestimate my survival instincts.
Just because I’m not always in the driver’s seat doesn’t mean I’m not in control.

The size of a person’s mind and courage once broadened never returns to the original size… don’t make the mistake of underestimating a person’s courage and character just because they don’t react they way you expect them to.

Getting Hitched

Photosource: Unknown

Two weeks ago, I walked into a restaurant with my better half convinced that we were celebrating our last caloric dinner before the beginning of an intensive diet.
Needless to say, I was not expecting to walk out with a new appendage on my right ring finger.
My expectancy of my man popping the question was that when he told me that he had an important question to ask me my immediate reaction was:
“Okay, what is it that you want to buy?”
The ring he placed on the table eliminated all doubts.
There’s just something about a man asking you to spend the rest of your life with him that leaves you speechless… the “yes” gets stuck so that you choke to cough it out.
Suddenly a whole new level of motivation was added to our diet.

Upon giving the news to our loved ones, the first reaction to us having something important to share with them was:
“You’re pregnant!”
We had been so adamant about not getting married, that it didn’t go through anyone’s mind that we might change our mind about taking that step.
Even my mother reacted to the news sadly explaining that
“But you two are already together, I was expecting to be a grandma…”
Sorry guys… the bundle of joy is going to have to wait, I’m first gonna buy me a white dress!

Why didn’t we want to get married?
He’d done it before so he felt he didn’t need to relive the experience.
And me? Well, I’m fully aware that it is impossible to put under one roof all the people from all around the world that I care about and that I want to be there to share my commitment and so…
I decided I didn’t want a moment if it couldn’t be exactly as I dreamed it should be.

So what changed our minds?
My better half witnessed the euphoria surrounding another colleagues´ wedding and decided that it had been an amazing experience that he wouldn’t mind repeating. He also decided that I deserved the day all girls dream of.
I decided to accept that there would unfortunately be important elements missing… but that those that can and will be there will make it a memorable experience worth living.

I get married on the 27th of February 2010, day which I celebrate 3 years of a wonderful relationship and renew it to an undefined date.

Sunshine’s Column – Blog Description

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Recently I received an e-mail from a real-time search engine dedicated for fast feed discovery called feedmil asking me for a description of my blog.
They already have my feed page linked on feedmil and all they asked for was a description of my blog to put under “words from the author”

Surprised to say the least, it took me a while to register the request and even longer to figure out the description to send them.
Asking me to describe my blog is like asking me to describe myself.
I’ve never been good at it.
Not because I don’t know who I am but because there’s so much contradiction to me that it reduces to a simple “I’m just me” – it’s the best description I can come up with. Oddly enough this description is normally followed by the tune of Meredith Brook’s “I’m a bitch” playing in my head (to which now I will proceed to hum to myself the for rest of the day).

But you can’t exactly describe a blog as “this is my blog” nor did I wanted to resume it as “these are the adventures and misadventures of Sunshine” or worse “this is Sunshine’s story”. I decided to stick the main objective of the description which is to enlighten readers on what it’s all about… so what is it all about?

Someone once told me that the best poets and writers are chronically depressed. Under a sane frame of mind no work of depth can be created. Although I don’t consider myself to fall under the catagory "great writer" I never agreed with this opinion due to the fact that I’ve always been keen on sharing my thoughts regardless of my state of spirit and that my inspiration always comes from the same place, my soul.

Six years and 358 published posts later, my opinion hasn´t changed.
I must admit though, I’ve reduced in the amount of posts I write ever since I met and hooked up with my better half.
However, I don’t attribute this reduction to the idea that I’m happier and therefore have less to say. The way I see it, my increased happiness only increased the amount of things I want to write about. However, now that I have someone to share my moments with I decided to invest my time more in living these moments than writing about them.

So why continue writing if there’s already someone paying witness to my life and if these days there are so few readers accompanying my writing?
I can honestly say that I’ve never written for anyone else but myself. Often I need to “hear” myself think and when I write I give myself the opportunity to see what’s really going on in my soul. It’s easier to resort to logic and somebody else’s answer than to search inside yourself for your true path. I’ve always said that my most important career is “being myself” – this blog makes it just that much easier.

After writing this post and reading it back to myself, I finally managed to write the description I feel my blog should have:

Sunshine’s column is the perspective of a young woman living the things worth writing about and writing the things worth reading. A compilation of experiences of someone trying to write her own life’s story whilst trying to live life without following the instruction manuals written by everyone else. She writes these experiences as a way of mirroring her perspective to herself, a way of "hearing" herself think. She shares these thoughts in hope that as she figures things out, maybe they will help someone else figure things out too.

Introspection

Photosource: Movie "Closer"

I recently read a post that got me thinking of the questions that I still don’t have the answers to: “Merecer Mais”

What do you do when you feel that you’re not getting what you desire, need or deserve?

Do you fight and demand that which you feel that you should be getting?

Do you throw away everything you’ve invested in to look for it somewhere else?

Sometime ago, I would’ve said that the answer would be to talk to the person that can make it happen and if you can’t reach a compromise then it’s time to let go and go after that which will satisfy those needs.

I came to understand, that it’s not that simple…

Not everything can be compromised on and that not everyone has the capacity to see and understand your point of view.

What if the things you don’t want are directly parallel to those that you do?

Then what?

You accept defeat and resign yourself to do things “their way” to avoid conflict and eventually losing that which you care about?

This is not compromise.

How many of these shattering defeats do you accept before losing yourself to someone else’s desires and circumstances?

You begin to lose focus of the things you like and the things you want to do and eventually when someone asks you you’ll honestly reply:

“I don’t know”

One day you will catch yourself staring at your own reflection and not recognising the person looking back at you.

It is the point no one wants to find themselves at, and so many people do.

You can’t always have things your way.

But some things can’t be compromised.

Where is the boundary to which you should give in to and to which you shouldn’t?

Sometimes it’s easier to go along with what the other person wants than to argue your point of view.

Some people feel that it’s easier to resign yourself to the bad instead of risking looking for better.

I feel that it’s easier to pack a bag and leave than to deal with the bad.

Whatever angle you see it from; it’s an inner conflict that needs to be dealt with.

I don’t have answers.

I asked my heart what it wanted and what it was prepared to sacrifice in order to have it.

I then put all my forbidden dreams, needs and wants far in the back of my mind.

Often I remember them; there will always be something to remind me of them…But I extinguish the desire by reminding my heart of that which made me sacrifice it in the first place.

There are easier days than others.

Despite all of this, I still believe that every first move should be communication.

Communicate with yourself and then communicate with the other person or people involved.

It’s not always easy to find the courage to express what you feel.

But to avoid doing so is to sacrifice another piece of your identity.

The conversation may not come to the conclusion you want it to, but it’s easier to deal with defeat when you at least tried.

Stay… Leave… keep it all the same.

Change your style,

Change your job,

Change your life...

Or don’t…

Change your attitude,

Change your priorities,

Change your dreams…

But whatever changes you make or don’t make in your life, let it not compromise your heart’s deepest desires.

That is what I believe is being true to yourself all about.

Recycle

Picturesource: Unknown

These days the publicity on recycling has become aggressive.

With the amount of information that is out there, there’s no excuse to get it wrong.

Even children have been programmed to make you feel guilty if you throw out something recyclable with the normal trash.

However, I often question myself at the efficiency of the whole system seeing as I still see very few products with the label indicating that it was made from recycled material.Where are the recycled goods going and which companies are making use this?

I’ve heard rumours that not all the trash we put in the recycling bins is actually being recycled so I’m curious to how exactly is our effort being put to good use.

Being firm believers and recycling devotees at home, we own a relatively large trashcan that consists of three bins to facilitate the separating and see to it that our recycling duty is done – we do this in belief that we’re making a difference to help the environment.

It is this desire and belief that persuaded us to start recycling old appliances as well.

Worten has been advertising that everyone should hand in their old appliances at any of their stores to be properly disposed of and recycled.

After buying a new keyboard for our computer we decided that the right thing to do was hand in the old one at a Worten store and so we took it with us to Vasco da Gama.

There are no bins or advertising in the store to where this equipment should be handed in.

I asked one of the attendants to refer-me to where I should drop off the old equipment and was told that I should report to the complaints counter.

If perhaps the complaints counter was empty that day, I wouldn’t feel the need to write this post but as is normal in a big store such as Worten, the counter was full!

I took a peek at the next ticket and realised that if I was to take one I’d have to wait behind approximately 10 people in front of me.

I put on my best smile and apologetically interrupted one of the girls behind the counter.

“I´m sorry, I´m not here to complain and I only want to hand in my old keyboard so could I just leave this here with you”

It´s not like I had forms to fill out! And yet I was told very sympathetically that i´d have to take a ticket and wait in line.

Are you kidding me?!

Instead of throwing it out with the normal trash, I make the effort of bringing my old equipment to the store so that it can be recycled and I have to wait in a long complaints line?!

I was about to make my way to the nearest trashcan when my better half came with a better idea.

He took the keyboard from my hands put it on top of the complaints counter and retorted: “Here you go, I’m leaving this keyboard here – if you want to you can recycle it and if you don’t want to, go ahead and throw it out with the trash.”

We left satisfied that we’d done our public duty.