Friday, February 27, 2004

We don't start "loving", when we find the perfect person, but when we learn to love the imperfect one...

Thursday, February 26, 2004

The Man Market.…

Being young and independent (not to mention stubborn), it is no wonder why I as a woman still sing “… but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…”
To my surprise many people find this to be some kind of tragedy and I’m always cornered into justifying why I’m not in a relationship.
It isn’t that I don’t want a man by my side but yes that I simply that I don’t need one.
Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean to say that I don’t want one… I mean to say that, considering that I don’t need one, I shouldn’t have to settle for just anyone.

Second best is not good enough…

This normally starts up a very interesting debate. The feminists give me all their support, telling me that a guy only messes with your individuality and slows down your development. They argue that it’s good living by yourself, not having to cook, clean or iron for anyone else but you. The calculists tell me that it really depends one the budget point, on one side you end up spending more in a relationship (dinners, movies, etc.) but on the other side, a lot of things that the other person helps you do saves you time and effort. (Changing your tyre or fixing your pc). The moralists tell me that it´s my duty to couple up and procreate, so not to disturb the circle of life. And predictably the romantics believe that a woman simply can’t life without being loved by a man… I say that none of the above matters to me and that I’m not waiting for the person that I can live with, but yes the person I can’t live without.

In search of perfection?…

I’ve been accused of being a perfectionist, my own father tells me that if I want a man the way I dream of then I either order him straight from God or turn Lesbian (Ironic that a woman with a penis still makes the perfect man, hehehe). I asked another man’s opinion to see if it would match and for some reason I found that they all think I’m looking for some magic formula… the one… the soulmate… prince charming.

They’re all wrong of course, so what is it really that I’m looking for?… (Or hoping will find me) Do you really want to know?…

As an independent woman in this day and age I am in a position to ask what a man can do for me that I can’t do for myself. I pay my own bills, I can take care of my own household and know how to read a map.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a rich man I’m looking for… I need so much more than money.
I need a man striving for perfection in every aspect of his life. Someone who strives for perfection always has a goal to work towards and therefore will always have conversation and give me mental stimulation and opinions to exchange.
If he’s striving for perfection, then I know he can manage a good job and therefore won’t be a financial burden to me.
I want someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman but strong enough to keep me grounded.
I’m looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn’t taking care of his business.
I have no problem with being submissive, cooking, cleaning, ironing and giving all my whole heart (and massages)… he just has to be worth it.
God made a woman to help her man but I can’t help him if he can’t help himself.
A good sense of humour, honesty and integrity are three things that can’t go missing in my man.
And most importantly, he has to love me… for me, with my imperfections, just as I will love him. All the rest is unimportant.

After repeating all of this to a colleague of mine, I was once again told that I am asking for a lot… I realise this but then again… I’m not asking for anything that I’m not prepared to give in return and…

I’m worth a lot.

Friday, February 06, 2004

The Power of a Suggestion…

Has anyone ever made a suggestion that changed your life?
People rarely know the power of their words, how far they can push a person… When last did someone’s suggestion make a drastic change in your life?

I bet the lady at the study bursary interview had no idea that I’d pack my bags and leave when she said: “…the bursaries available are mostly being distributed by our African students, being an immigrant lowers your chances…”
When the assistant at the counter asked me if I wanted to leave my curriculum with her, neither of us imagined that a month later I’d be wearing the same uniform as her.
And when my best friend said: “Why don’t you get your own apartment?” it wasn’t believing that the following month I’d already found one.

Chance? Destiny? Maybe it was written in the stars how things must turn out, nothing ever happened without a reason… yet it requires the power of suggestion to turn a possibility into fate.

A suggestion is a simple as a word, a picture or a sentence that is planted in your mind and grows to unpredictable sizes. In it’s young phase, it can be so frail and fragile that it dies almost as quickly as it was planted in your mind… some of these suggestions take a few days before dissolving in the mind, others take months… some never die. Suggestions that don’t grow very much larger to become more than a suggestion become nothing more than an option in the mind of its beholder… but there are those that grow to overtake the mind.

There are suggestions that completely override the mind like a virus in a computer system. Some argue that the suggestion was always there, dormant in the back of the subconscious, triggered by a word or a vision… others believe a suggestion is placed. Whatever the origin, it is still unknown how it grows on the mind. It first sits on your shoulder like the idea that won’t go away. Then it invades you thoughts, later it keeps coming up in your conversations and quite possibly you begin to draw or scribble words related to it. A slow and quiet evolution of madness, it accompanies you when you’re watching television and invades your dreams… and after a while, when you can’t ignore it much longer you realise that you either act upon it or let it drive you insane.

The way to prevent a suggestion from growing is to grab it at the roots… before it becomes stronger in your mind, wipe the slate. Don’t think about it. Ignore it until it ceases to exist in you mind… only then are you set free… if you’re lucky.

I have a thought in my head… I can’t get it out. It’s been eating away at the back of my subconscious like an irritating mosquito that I can’t kill. I thought that I had killed this buzz in my head weeks ago when I realised that the consequences of this thought becoming a reality would involve risk and inevitable heartbreak for more than one person. I fed intelligence and reality into my head until virtually no trace of the suggestion remained… But a seed must’ve stayed behind because someone made a suggestion and that thought grew into an unpredictable size. My thoughts are in a mess, my head is buzzing with a million thoughts and yet I can’t grasp at any of them. I feel irritable, confused and frustrated. A couple of days of repeated intelligence, distractions and lot and lots and lots of yoghurt will eliminate this virus in my system…
Considering that this virus leaves my system vulnerable, I warn anyone else with suggestion to back off or have your heads bitten off…

BEWARE… don’t ever underestimate the power of a suggestion!

Monday, February 02, 2004

No (Wo)man stands alone…

Define Independence:
Freedom from dependence; exemption from reliance on, or control by, others; self-subsistence or maintenance; direction of one's own affairs without interference.

I’ve been accused of being too independent…

This year, just as the fireworks announced the entry into a new year I closed my eyes and made my New Year’s resolutions. I decided to give up red meat for the year (a resolution that only lasted three weeks)… and I decided that this year I would strive to be even more independent person. Being close to having my own apartment, I realised that dedication, sacrifice and responsibility were all going to bring me to a higher lever of independence.

Early before my final high school exams and before I left school, I had already begun applying for various universities. I applied for jobs and went to the interviews on my own. I worked under tight conditions where I often did two shifts in a row getting a low pay and little sleep in between. I saved money and bought my own airplane ticket, paying for my extra luggage as well. I flew across the ocean and across the equator to live on an island that fit more than three times in the city that I’d been living in. Re- learning my mother Latin language, I redrew my curriculum and looked for a job. I now have an apartment that is almost ready and soon I’ll be living on my own. At 21 years of age, I consider myself an independent woman. Yet…

I’ve been accused of being too independent…

When you called me “too independent”… I looked at you and said nothing. I wasn’t too sure if perhaps you weren’t right. Thinking that I still hadn’t reached a satisfactory level of independence, it surprised me that you thought I’d gone beyond. Looking in the mirror, I tried to see what is it that you saw…

How can you accuse me of being too independent? Perhaps you’re not looking hard enough? Surely we’re not looking at the same reflection? The person I saw in the mirror isn’t as confident and assertive as I’d like her to be. She has doubts, she has fears and she has weaknesses. Sometimes she feels lost and often she wonders about the paths she’s chosen. Is this the same person we’re we both see?

You’ve accused me of being too independent…

But perhaps you don’t know about the teachers that motivated me to study and apply to the various universities. Perhaps you don’t know about the employers that took a risk on hiring a girl with no experience. Maybe you didn’t know about the great colleagues that made my long working hours bearable, or the friends that wouldn’t let me give up. You couldn’t possibly calculate the priceless advice and encouragement that my family members have given. Did you not notice the great amount of trust that has been invested by the people that care about me? These angels that God sent have gotten me to and through the rough roads of the great walk of life.

No, I did not make it alone. Nor would I want to… I believe that this great walk of life isn’t about the destination but the journey. What use is it running in front of everybody else and reaching the end alone? What is there to gain at the finish line? Independence?

I still believe that I’m an independent woman but perhaps it’s because I have a different definition of independence. Being independent to me means having high goals and low expectations. When you reach for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land between the stars and if you have low expectations of someone, every little gesture that they make, becomes a pleasant surprise. I know that I’m strong and that I can depend on myself to solve any problem that comes my way… but I don’t turn down a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on or some good piece of advice. My independence entails holding my head up, never giving up and believing in myself, only this way will I manage to not let down all the people that believe in me. I’ll accept all the support I can get but I’m not planning on doing this all on my own, nobody can.

I dedicate this column to my aunt, uncle and cousins who have taken me under their wing whilst I await the completion of my new apartment. Their support and great advice have made me a more stronger and confident person and their love makes it harder for me to let go when I move into my apartment. Although these last six months have been mentally and physically hard, their love and support have made them the happiest six months yet. I’ll never really know how to thank them, or any of the other angels that God put in my path. All I can really do is return the same kind of trust, love and friendship… perhaps I too make a difference in someone’s life.