Friday, January 23, 2004

When a man loses the right to be called a man.

Today’s post is a little different than the usual. I received an e-mail that drew more than one emotion from me… I decided that my response goes out to more than just this person. I’ve also decided that you are all now free to share your opinions with me about what I wrote. Agree with me or prove me wrong… for those who don’t have my e-mail addy:

I received the following e-mail from a 33yr old friend that I’ve known for a very long time… whom I consider a great friend and a worthy person:

“…I’ve decided not to commit to _________. I think things are fine just the way they are, so I’ve decided not to mess with them. I don’t see us getting married being necessary. It’s not that she doesn’t make me happy, but I’m not sure that I want to settle down yet. She’s not being very understanding and now she’s giving me the silent. Sometimes I think we don’t want the same things and she decides to leave. I hope that doesn’t happen, I love her and we make a good pair together…
…After living nearly three years together, she should know me well enough by now that I’m not good at expressing my feelings. Why are women so insecure? Why do they have to analyse every little thing? Doesn’t she understand that if I’m with her it’s because I want to be? Why then must I keep repeating myself?…”

I feel that it is my duty as your friend to be honest and direct with you. You might not want to speak to me afterwards but this is the closest I’ll get to shove a big mirror in your face! (not to mention you’re lucky I’m too far away to hit you over the head with it!)

Forgetting your age, what are you doing in a relationship if you don’t mean to commit to it? Do you realise that the person standing by you is there because she believes that you two have the capacity to make each other happy and see each other through this life? You judge her on her constant necessity to define things but doesn’t she deserve to know where she stands with you? Who are you to look down on her insecurities when you yourself cannot define what you feel? What is it that you want from this woman? Sex? Cooked meals? Washed clothes? Love? Is it love you want? Why do you want her heart if you don’t mean to look after it? The biggest crime a man can commit is awaken a woman’s heart without the intention of loving her.

I’m pretty sure she has the faults but I can’t blame her for her insecurities when you can’t be honest with her about how you feel. That isn’t immaturity you’re seeing, that’s the insecurities you bring out in her! You can’t expect her to read your mind, you can’t assume she knows how you feel if you don’t say the words! You say you don’t think you want to settle down yet? What does a relationship have to do with your independence? Isn’t love the road that you walk next to each other? Who said anything about giving up on your dreams? Don’t you want to create dreams with her? You can’t blame love for your lack of courage in other areas of your life!

I’m shocked that such a wonderful, intelligent and caring person as you is capable of making another human being suffer this way. I know you’re better than that! You’re the greatest friend a girl can have… but… you’re a selfish man who needs to figure out what is it that you want out of life. Do you love her? Do you really? If you don’t then you need to walk out and give her a chance to be happy with someone else… if you do then you better start admitting it. Open your heart and let her in! Isn’t this the woman you come home to every night? Don’t you want to spend the rest of your life waking up to her face in the morning? I can’t tell you what to feel, only you will know that but I can tell you that you better figure it out fast because one of these days she will walk out the door… she will walk out your life and you will never know if the two of you had the chance to love and happiness. She deserves better than the way you’re treating her now.

This is my response to you my friend, forgive me for publishing something this intimate but after looking around me, I could point many men (and women) with your current attitude. Friendship is not a good enough reason to stay together. Comfort is not a good enough excuse to hang on… Love is the only valid reason for two people to be together, any other reason is simply an excuse, a crime. If you haven’t found what you’re looking for… don’t take away the other person’s chance to be with the right person!

The dangers of playing Cupid…

Eros was a Greek God that was blinded by his love for the goddess Athena. Better known as Cupid, son of Aphrodite, Eros’s fate was of ironic tragedy. We associate Cupid as the cute, blindfolded cherubim with arrows that join the oddest couples together. However… for any of you that have studied Greek mythology, the sad truth of his fate is far from the commercialised Valentine’s Day story…

Eros was madly in love with Athena. Athena being one of the most beautiful goddesses in the realm, it wasn’t difficult to understand why so many men fell at her feet. Aphrodite, who was considered the goddess of love was extremely jealous of Athena’s beauty and believed that her physical features are all the held her son’s heart to her. It was the evening that Zeus complimented Athena’s beauty in front of all the Gods that Aphrodite lost control. She was so angry that she blinded her son believing that he would stop loving what he couldn’t see…
Love is blind and even as Eros was, his heart kept loving Athena. She however didn’t reciprocate that love and his tragic heritage was of mending other people’s hearts whilst his stayed broken…

Gee, I wonder why they don’t normally mention this story around Valentines day…???

I personally enjoy playing Cupid… there’s nothing more entertaining than watching that toxic drug change a person’s face and reactions to ones that we would normally call… stupid! It’s the metamorphosis of two intelligent human beings turning into hormonally challenged, lovesick puppies… Maybe it’s the psychologist in me that takes up on Cupid’s job… or maybe I just enjoy watching people making fools of themselves, However, there’s no doubt that when two people are in love, the world somehow becomes a better place… that leaves me a happier woman.

As much fun I have with the job, I must confess that the “curse of cupid” was something I welcomed after visiting the heartbreak hotel more than once. I figured that being young and intelligent as I am, the last thing I needed was someone messing with the independence that I’ve worked hard to obtain. The more independence I gain, the less I want someone in my life. It just does not appeal to me, to have to organise my life around somebody else’s will!

No, I do not want to explain my every move, my every thought, my every word. I want the freedom to stand up and go at anytime I want to. To talk to whomever I chose, to express my mind, to have an opinion that is mine alone and to dance… yes… I will dance how I chose, with whom I chose and it won’t mean that I want to go home with them afterwards! It cheeses me off that people take each other for granted once things become serious… who set these rules? Why do people suddenly see the other person as property once they’ve given their hearts and souls? It is true that I’ve been found guilty of giving and loving too much…but if I do so, it is because I choose so... because it comes out my heart and not because it is my duty, or because it is expected of me! Maybe I’m just too independent but I’ve reached a point where I simply don’t see myself sharing my space with anybody else…

Concluding all of that, I have no trouble with Cupid’s job… just because I don’t want to put up with a man doesn’t mean other women don’t… This doesn’t mean I’m a feminist, nor does it mean that I don’t believe in love… it just means that so far, I haven’t met a man that can fit my scenario… this doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist, it just means that I don’t hold onto false expectations…

Why do people find it harder to get together these days? Back in the ages of World War II where soldiers went to war and came back, love somehow seemed to survive through the time of absence and right through the “I do” to the “Until death do us part”. What did they have then that we don’t have now? Well.. it’s debatable I guess, but what I seem to find, is that people aren’t willing to admit their feelings anymore. We’ve become big sentimental cowards! They can’t put to words what sounds “cheesy” to them… they forgot how to listen to their hearts… Cupid can’t put two people together that aren’t meant to be so… love is the only chemical in the world with that power. However, Cupid gives love a chance by helping the person express what their heart feels…

This week, I helped more than one person take a look in the mirror and come to terms with what they felt. I helped them find the words to describe their illness and courage to express them to the source of their confusion. Some hopes were shattered, others are glorified with the results… all agreed though that whatever conclusion they came to, anything was better than to keep inside a “feeling” that you don’t know what to do with and don’t know what it might become… it’s a feeling that shouldn’t be suppressed. And if you keep it inside without giving it the chance, you are left with regret, doubts of “if” “perhaps” or “maybe”

Although I welcome my independence… this week, Cupid’s curse weighed just a little on my shoulder. I forgot how good it is to look someone in the eyes and tell them that you love them. To feel vulnerable in the face of sincere feelings. To feel the world stop turning and time grow still in a moment of bliss. I miss being there for someone and hold them in my arms when they need my strength… I miss subsiding to my insecurities and doubts and allow someone else to love and comfort me for a change…

Those who have it, don’t appreciate it. Those who don’t, long for it…

Don’t get all excited boys, this girl won’t give in to a moment of weakness… I’ll still be playing Cupid instead of playing his victim for a long time to come…
What I do appeal to all of you is to mark February 14th on your calendar with a big round red heart. This year forget about its commercial value and spend it with somebody special… Look someone in the eyes and tell them you love them… And feel it, deep down in your hearts.

Saturday, January 17, 2004

When you eyes say it…

Physically, it is impossible for two people to have the same “eye”. The eye is as individual as a fingerprint and cannot be copied. Although there is only three basic colours that an eye can have, not one eye can be compared to another. And although our eyes can look quite similar to those of a parent, they can never truly be identical. It is an individual feature that each of us have.

Poets call the eye, the window to the soul. In every great play and book you will read about the truth always coming from the eyes. Maybe it´s because when two people are looking at each other in the eyes, it is virtually impossible to lie to one another. So are the eyes truly the window to the soul? What is it that we read or see when we look into someone else´s eyes?

Having chameleon eyes, no one can truly pin point my personal eye colour. Most of the time they´re green but depending on the time that you look at them, you might find them either to look hazel, grey or even blue with different kinds of shades of green. There was once a person in my life who read my “moods” by the colour of my eyes. He said they would turn bright green when I was angry, grey when I was sick, light blue when I was sad and they´d shine brightly when I was happy. Considering that I don´t carry a mirror around to recheck the colour of my eyes every hour, I´ll take his word for it when he tells me of these colour changes. But what about the people whose eye colour stays the same? How do I tell if they´re sad or happy?

Yesterday afternoon I sat next to a colleague of mine who was smiling as she sat in front of me and to anyone who had looked quickly, it might´ve seemed that she was happily enjoying her lunch. However, when I looked into her eyes, I saw so much that her smile wasn´t portraying. I saw hurt, pain and deep sadness. Her blue eyes spoke of depression and tears that would not come. Her whole aura was low on any bright colour that would imply hope. I told her what I saw and she agreed that what i´d seen beyond her smile, wasn´t just a mirage... I saw this all in her eyes.

Many times in my life i´ve been captured in dead silence by the look in someone´s eyes. No matter how distracted I might be, a pair of eyes would capture mine in a silent recognition that keeps my soul guessing answers. Not too long ago, another pair of eyes caught mine in a indescribable way. He looked so deeply into my soul that everyone else around us disappeared, disintegrated. In reality the gaze lasted seconds, a minute perhaps... but to me, it must´ve lasted an eternity. What did I see in his eyes? I do not know... I keep waiting for my memory to erase the effect they left me with since that day. Did he see what I saw? This feeling... this breathtaking, heartstopping feeling of recognition? Did we see beyond our souls? Perhaps we knew each other in another life?

I find it hard that people can still doubt reincarnation in this day and age. Have they not done things they knew not how to do and felt the odd feeling of deja-vu? Or seen a place and felt that they´d been there before? Gone somewhere and strangely knew the way? Or met someone and felt that they knew them from somehwere else... another time and place? If reincarnation is a reality then our bodies are not the same with every lifetime. And if the eyes are truly the window to one´s soul then perhaps it´s the only way of two souls that knew each other, to recognise each other in this life.

To those eyes that leave many unanswered questions... I cannot percieve if you´ve seen and felt the same that I do unless your lips tell me. How interesting it would be, if only I knew who you were to me in another life? How interesting it would be if I knew what you will become to be in this life?...
Look not at my lips, or at my hair, or at my breasts, when you talk to me. Look me in the eyes... there you will find my soul, only through my eyes can you speak to my heart. Only eye to eye, can we truly be honest with each other.

Friday, January 16, 2004

I left my heart in Lisbon…

Is it possible to have a midlife crisis at 21?

It’s been a week since I left Lisbon and somehow some shadow of something left behind haunts me. The hardest job a human being will ever have, is the permanent struggle to remain true to oneself in the face of society and controversy. I might not know what I want out of life but I’m proud that at least I know who I am… and what I don’t want out of life. Until the present date, I felt that everything was going as it should, I was satisfied with all my reasoning and decisions and the road up ahead looked clear.

A week ago, I made a pit stop in my journey by going to Lisbon for a New Year’s party. I met a lot of great new people, caught up with old ones and had a really great time. It was the perfect recharge of batteries and just what the doctor ordered to distract me from the routine stress and pressure I’d been under… but although the trip was more than just amazing… It also managed a counter effect.

The perfect home…

For any of you who have had your lives packed in suitcases or ever lived in a place that you could never call home, better than anyone, you can identify with the extensive need to have a home of your own. A roof over your head. Your own rules. Your own place of refuge in the world. This is the need I’ve withheld within for the last two years. Those who know me, recognise this need and gave me all their support in my quest to fulfil this desperate desire. Since August, I’ve taken the great step of signing a “marriage” contract with the bank in order to possess my very own apartment. I call this a marriage because from now on, more than half my salary will be divided with a bank for the next forty years.

Every decision implies losing something. By signing this contract, I benefit of the comfort of the home I’ve always dreamed of… and I lose my freedom. Financial freedom is what gives us space to change our destinies as we see fit. Like any human being, I have many dreams. I dream of holding a child psychology diploma in my hand, a BA degree. I dream of travelling the world and visiting the places that I’ve circled on my map. I dream of learning a romantic language like French and speaking it fluently with friends that I’ve made of the same language. I dream of having a successful career where I have the freedom to be creative and constructive. I dream of a honeymoon in a cabin in Switzerland and three or four kids running around in the snow whilst being hugged by the man I chose years before. Simple dreams, the kind that everyone paints in their imagination… and few have the courage to chase after. Hope and dreams are always the last to die, I keep these dreams deep inside my heart and refuse to give them up to despair.

I walked inside my apartment yesterday and saw the floors that were placed. I ran my fingers through the cupboards that smelled of new and looked through the newly placed windows. My apartment is almost ready, soon I’ll have the haven my heart has so desperately asked for. Anxiety ran through my veins… and then I walked into the bedroom and stood right in the centre with the coldest feeling of sadness.
Paradise is also a prison.
Somewhere, I left my heart in Lisbon… it’s since I’ve been back that I feel that I left something important behind. What did I lose in my journey? Was it the sight of the university that broke my heart in two? Maybe it was the variety of options that the city held? It represents the freedom to be anyone I want to be, no questions asked. Admitting that on a small island, my career cannot go further, it is the possibilities of going higher in my profession that played in my thoughts and the knowledge that in a bigger city, so much more is possible. So many people to meet… so many to get to know better… A world of possibilities is where I left my heart.
I look around my environment, I love my job, I like my colleagues, I like my friends and I love my island! I can’t complain at all about my present. It feels good to be alone in the office illuminated by the computer screen lights and great relaxing music coming through the speakers. Outside my window are the city lights beckoning me, and boats floating on the marina that I so love. I’m going to put on my shoes and tie my hair again and take a walk on the pier to distract me from my doubts… I’m lucky to have come so far and perhaps this phase is due to the human nature of always wanting more than we have… maybe I didn’t lose my heart after all, maybe it’s just waiting for fall in love with a home that soon will be mine.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

A great party

Often I said that life is made up of moments, it’s when you least expect it that they take you by surprise create a priceless memories. This weekend was one of those…

The company Christmas party was delayed last year and instead of the usual December Christmas party, a New Year’s bash was organised! Taking place in Lisbon, it required a flight a day off work… since I had the opportunity to go last year, this year it seemed I would have to stay home. Fortunately for me, a colleague of mine wouldn’t be going and after swallowing my pride, I asked the manager if I could go in her place. Although I was given permission, I was told that I would have to work that afternoon which meant that I would arrive just in time to rush to the hotel, take a quick shower and change clothes in lightening speed to make the dinner on time.

Although the stress didn’t appeal to me, it was a small sacrifice for a weekend away from the stress I’d been under the last few weeks. Things didn’t get any better when I received a call to inform me that I’d been chosen to sit at the administrator’s table instead of being able to sit with my friends and I was starting to imagine a good party turning sour…

God has a great sense of humour…

Just when I thought I was being punished, I arrived at the airport and was told that I’d been upgraded to executive class because the flight had been filled with a soccer team. Never having flown in executive class before, I was stunned by the airhostess who had tried to be friendly by hanging my jacket. Not be used to this kind of formal treatment she sweetly reassured me:
“I won’t take it, I’m just hanging it up for you and I’ll return it at the end of the flight”
Turning pink in the face I decided that I would definitely have to fly more frequently in executive class if I was going used to the royal treatment!

Never has a women gotten ready so quickly…

After imitating Speedy Gonzalez, I made it just in time to enter a massive hall full of very well dressed people. Ignoring the fact that there were far more men than women I pushed away the obvious sexism and instead concentrated on taking measurements… Once I’d an argument with a friend of mine who said that women liked men in suits and ties… being a casual girl myself, I prefer a guy who has a comfortable look to one who looks like he needs to be strangled with his tie!… but after seeing him in his suit and tie, I decided that every now and again a man should definitely climb out his jeans into something more formal…

Every year the party gets better…

Yeah! Yeah! I know I said it last year, but this year’s party was the greatest! It started off a little stiff when I realised that my seat was right next to Mr Administrator himself! I took a deep breath and prayed that this would be the night that I wouldn’t say anything silly or make any grammatical errors! To my delight, the administrator wasn’t anything like I imagined… he was actually human! We had the most natural conversations, ranging from light business talk to our personal goals. I was amazed at the charm and intelligence that radiated from this man and immediately understood how he was a big part of one of Portugal´s most successful companies.

Good food, great company and plenty of laughter was on the menu for the night and the comic made sure to make everyone laugh unto tears! After the comic treatment, we were treated to one of the greatest show’s ever! EZSpecial is the band’s name and for any of you who haven’t heard “Daisy”… I suggest you run a search and download it today… right now! A brilliant song that is only better when being played live was enough to get me dancing in my chair! Remembering that I was told to sit still… I tried to recompose myself a few times, but when I realised that the administrator himself was clapping hands, I dropped all etiquette and had myself a great time! Politely excusing myself, I ran to the stage to be one of the people to receive a free CD of the band! (That I so luckily managed to get autographed later in the evening!) And yes girls… the guys are much better looking in person and friendly too.

Just as the show ended, I was ready to drag my colleagues to the dance floor I was told:
“We’re exhausted, we want to go home”
My spirits sank, and I felt that big bucket of cold water drench me for head to toe! I didn’t want to leave! The party was just starting and I want to dance and mingle!
Not knowing too many people, I didn’t look forward to the idea of staying behind to dance with myself but out of the blue and in a blue shirt, a cowboy that I’d met a just few months ago told me that there was no way he was letting me leave and that I’d be dancing with him and his friends.

A little nervous and shy at first, I tried to mingle with a few colleagues I already knew via phone. I was disappointed that one of those colleagues hadn’t come but in turn I was introduced to what must be been the friendliest person I ever met! She was the sweetest person who tried her best to make me feel comfortable, so I danced next to her beside a group of other strangers. They didn’t stay strangers for long though… thanks to the music and good vibes I met great people and came to the conclusion that the IT department consists of the most good looking and fun people of the company! (Plus they seem to be the greatest dancers)…. Hehehe now who would’ve thought that the “computer geeks”?

By the end of the evening it was clear that I’d had the most fun that whole year and that I’d made good friends that I intend on keeping communication with for life! As we walked in the cold night looking for cabs and cars, I took time to introspect the evening. Grateful for the great time, I secretly prayed that next Christmas some miracle would join me once again with these great people that I only like to get to know better.

Maybe it was the dazzle of the party, maybe it was the break of routine… it definitely had to do with the people I met… I eventually fell asleep with the biggest smile on my face knowing that I’d be talking about the party for a long time still…

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Biology lesson: boys Vs Women 0 - 999Infinity

Have you ever had a conversation where you look at the person in front of you wishing that they’d simply shut up! When every word your hear is worse than the other and you try and control your nerves as you watch the idiot in front of you dig his own grave with every sentence uttered from his mouth.

Flipping channels from the comfort of my own living room, I was startled by my cell-phone ringing. It was close to bed time and I wasn’t exactly in the mood for the name on my call display, but I hadn’t wished him a Happy New Year yet and considering that one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more tolerant and forgiving, I decided that a small conversation with him wouldn’t kill me. I kindly declined his invitation for coffee whilst putting on another pair of thick socks - no way was that boy dragging me out at midnight for a cup of coffee! He’d probably give me that sob story again about his mother being ill and how he was suffering inside. It was way past working hours and in case this boy hadn’t heard… this Therapist is on official vacation!

My acupuncturist’s words began haunting me the minute I put the phone down. Have I become judgmental? Yes, I suppose lately it’s helped to keep unwanted company away. It had been a while since I’d seen this friend of mine, one cup of coffee wouldn’t hurt… and before I knew it, my heavy conscience conceded to one drink when he called insisting with me for the second time.

Well, I thought, it couldn’t be all that bad, this time round we wouldn’t be alone so he wouldn’t unload all his imaginary problems on me. My friend had informed me that he intended on introducing a work colleague of his that was also South African and who was very keen on meeting me.

I regretted my decision the minute the car pulled up. Looking at the slightly alcoholically influenced pair of eyes, I reminded myself again of my New Years resolution before finding the courage to get into the car. My friend’s friend is every girl’s nightmare… the guy that just doesn’t have a clue! I imagined Chronis, a good friend of mine, sitting next to me and saying “Oh well… see this as material for our book”. Let’s just say that after this evening, I probably have enough practical experience to write at least 10 Chapters of: “Why men are the inferior species!”

To obtain a proper analysis, first take a full physical analysis before dissecting the remainder of the specimen. Observe the sly smile with intent on manipulation. The fact that his teeth show lack of calcium is evidence of his chain smoking and may be evidence to excess of alcohol consumption. Diluted pupils confirm the excess of alcohol consumption and failure to recognize this fact is a good indication of an either inflated ego (usually resulting from inferiority complex) or bad habits. Bad habits are born from chronic fatigue (laziness) and are accustomed to go hand in hand with irresponsibility.
The dirt under his fingernails indicates lack of hygiene once again indicating chronic fatigue or a phobia for cleanliness. Discovering that they hadn’t just come out of work eliminated the possible excuse of such evidence and the fact that his profession is a barman also tips the scales towards lack of personal hygiene.

Moving onto the intelligence... or what little our specimen carries, we can classify him as:
Slick but not sly… you can identify the lack of intelligence from the choice of conversation. To directly jump into relationship talk on a first meeting is to cry out depravation. We can back this theory up with the fact that the choice of destination was on a coffee spot near the beach and with the strategic romantic music in the car, hoping to build some kind of atmosphere… the fact that he stopped at a gas station to buy gum can also indicate a hidden hope that he might get a kiss by the end of the night.
Change of tactics can only work when done intelligently. The fact that our guy changes his tactics from building a home and family to future travel plans in the space of merely ten minutes indicates convenience tactics (more commonly known as manipulation: the art of eluding to obtain desired response from the person you’re trying to con). Either our guy is an inexperienced manipulator or he simply doesn’t know what he wants out of life. At 32 this indicates lack of ambition, drive, and self-motivation and once again reads back to low self-esteem.
A man who cannot catch a direct hint can be called clueless. The fact that a person moves away when you move close should clearly indicate that they do not wish you to invade their personal space and you should henceforth either stop or move back to your original position. To touch their face is to directly provoke their defenses and a sharp slap to the hand is a direct indication of failure to integrate or reach a common ground. This is usually the part where a normal man backs up and gives up the approach, however please keep in mind that our specimen is descendant of the numbskull with inability to catch direct hints.

Placing my forehead in my hands I decided to break my New Year’s Resolution and put this guy out of his misery. Deciding that he was never going to catch any of my direct hints I decided to be as blunt as rock and let him have it full force just before giving my amused friend an apologetic look. What set my volcano to blow? Picture a guy telling you that you will not obtain your future goals of evolution, that you’d stay put where you were and that you’d probably end up dating him! All of this, just after he reminds you that you’re not getting any younger and that at 22 you should be thinking of settling down.

To any thick ignoramus that ever tries this tactic: I strongly suggest you read this column before even attempting this type of conversation with me! I will not tolerate further insult such as the above and the next asshole that gets cute with me will get a full fist punch in the eye! Ahem… consider that a warning! (And they say I can’t stick to my New Year’s resolutions… At least now I give warnings!)

I do not consider myself fit for settlement until I have studied my field of interest and graduated with the diploma necessary to progress my career to the top possible position of the corporate ladder. In the meantime, I do not feel that a relationship is compulsory or needed unless it’s a mutual liaison where both parties contribute and benefit, anything less is a waste of time. For this to be a fair bond, my partner would have to be able to do, give, sacrifice and risk everything that I’m capable of…

At this point our moron drops his jaw and asks “That’s a lot to ask for! I’m not sure I can do all the things you can, does this mean I’m out of your league” I did not justify that question with an answer. Instead I smiled and nodded.
“You know! You’ll never find a man on this island with that attitude (Gee, I could’ve sworn I told him that in the beginning of our conversation), and just you watch! You’ll fall in love and change your mind and conform to the island and its mentality all in the name of love!”
At this point my insides boiled and it took all the strength in my body not to make contact with his jaw with my fist. I bit my lip to prevent my instinctual explosion and proceeded to explain why he shouldn’t harbor any expectations with me.
A man to win my love and affections, My man… wouldn’t be so stupid to attempt to manipulate me. My man is intelligent and a thirst for self-evolution as I have and enough respect for others not to contradict their ideas or dreams. No love will keep their partner from their goals or dreams or tie them down. My man has self-respect and enough confidence to know what he wants and doesn’t want out of life. He probably doesn’t exist on this island, he might not even exist at all, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever settle for less. I’m demanding and yes I ask a lot from a man but only because I’m worth a lot and I only ask what I’m capable of complying with. If you think you’re out of my league, guess what, it’s probably because you are!

On the way home, I was once again bombarded by guilt. I had a slight hope that perhaps this poor specimen for the male species hadn’t understood a word I’d said, most probably he’d forget everything I told him the minute I closed the car door. However… just in case my words had touched base and hurt, I felt I owed him an apology. But before I finished, I was stopped with recognition. He recognized that he wouldn’t see me again and that he needed some work before becoming a more decent man worthy of a woman. Had I made a difference for some future Mrs. Idiot? We wished each other luck… and love and probably hoped we’d never have to see each other ever again lest it be from a distance.