Monday, January 30, 2006
An empty page.
It stares at me… I stare at it.
The ink in my pen is ready,
My hands await instructions to print the words that await creation inside of my head.
But I can’t find it… I’m uninspired.
Maybe I’m trying too hard… perhaps there is too little…
My mind wanders to places I can’t describe in words…
And writes the scripts I cannot read.
I wish the man in the grey jacket would stop and look at me before rushing to catch his train. Maybe he could tell me a story that I could write about…
Would he share with me the person he is and the places he’s seen –
Perhaps he’d take me there…
Perhaps he’d take me with him…
I tire of avoiding the subjects that whisper in the back of my mind.
The ones thrown into the garbage of the thoughts to be forgotten…
I’m exhausted by the forceful programming of my mind to see the things that I should see; the thoughts that I should ponder and the things I should write about.
In the things I should think and explore – I find nothing.
Nothing that inspires me to write more than this page that I’ve seemed to fill with useless words that hold no beginning, ending or conclusions to a story that does not belong to me and I know not how to tell…
Nonsense understood only by a frustrated soul on the verge of losing control of the mind.
Where is that magic that colours the pictures in my life?
That gives meaning to the moments and definition to the words that create the sentences of a story worth reading – a story worth writing about.
Somewhere in the thoughts I shouldn’t be thinking of.
The small roads, the wooden doors and the washing hanging to dry that represented homes to the poorer of Lisbon’s children.
Urban decay also holds its charm and perhaps my fascination with it is somewhere between the parallel lines where irony sits.
Out of the corner of my eye, the sunshine bounced colours off a white curtained window – it was postcard perfect.
The road was accompanied by trees rather than the tall buildings I’m getting used to and for a moment the vast space reminded me of the dying town I once belonged to in another time; another continent.
When my thoughts finally returned to the present, I was standing at the border of a calm beach which God must’ve created on his most inspired of days, a scenery only described by the emotion felt by those who have seen it.
Yellow sand and a tiny pier romanticize a beautiful beach in Sesimbra.
The fisherman and his son who fit the picture so perfectly almost seemed as if they had been conjured by a storyteller.
And as I sat on a rock only millimetres away from the water; I pictured myself as a mermaid who had come up for air when the density of the water had gotten too thick to breathe.
The water that eventually reached my pants and jacket pulled me back to reality and reminded me that it was time to go.
I was told about the foxes and the hares and the various species of spiders that inhabited what looked like an enchanted forest that had conquered me on sight. Its mystical energies silenced my soul in appreciation an I realised that it would take a lifetime to get to know it.
My heart sighed in mild melancholy sadness as I was reminded of similar places that I knew all too well from the island where I came from and somehow in silence, the surroundings of this place understood me.
When I thought it couldn’t get any better, I was taken down an old stairway that led down to the most beautiful cave I ever saw!
Inside was an ancient altar and a secret entrance that only the waves entered. They greeted me with a breath of salt and the warmth of the winter sunlight.
Beautiful – cannot begin to describe what my eyes witnessed and I wandered what the cave walls could tell me should they ever speak their secrets.
Perfect view – from any angle whichever way you saw it, it could only be described as flawless – pure perfection of God’s imagination.
Perhaps it was the long walk along the beach; the sound of the seagulls calling my name or the sight of my reflection upon crystal blue-green waters that had me enchanted into believing that somewhere on my flu-sick bed, I laid dreaming.
Perhaps it was too perfect, too beautiful, too unbelievable.
I stared at a canopy of shade made by trees who conspired with lovers to hide them from the world in a picnic made for two and wondered when I’d wake up…
The perfect day is spent when you look back and decide that you would change nothing.
The people you saw and the people you met – I would swear I were dreaming if it weren’t for the oranges in the bowl in the kitchen the proved me otherwise.
Lunch in the most charming of roadside family restaurants, where the music playing took me back through high school and old friends. Bon Jovi, Bryan Addams, Metallica…
I never imagined myself here… this far… going where I’m going.
Perfect images replay in my head:
A poem by a dead poet that was inscribed on a monument and ended with “all is achievable with love.”
A horizon as far as the eye can see;
A river that ran into an ocean and meandered into a bay…
A convent protected by a forest and
A quarry that plants trees…
Was I abducted by aliens and taken to another planet?
Perhaps I was merely lost in time…
In the castle of Palmela, I let my imagination run free. And even though I was told that there was little or no court in the given castle, I could still imagine life in the ancient rooms, light chasing away the cold and voiced whispering through the walls.
Maybe it was my fever that fired up my imaginations but I would’ve gladly spent the night surrounded by castle walls that even in ruins, stood the test of time.
A stop at a café where cinnamon cookies and lemon tea announced the end of a journey was our last stop before I was taken home.
In awe of all that my eyes had seen, my soul was silenced as I searched for the meaning of life…
A young boy with a diaper tied to his dummy gave me a glimpse of the answer:
We die and then we are reborn, and in all that while – life goes on.
There are days when you’re glad that you got out of bed;
There are days when you can see God’s infinite greatness surrounding you;
And there are days that are almost perfect…
Santa should’ve bought in bulk and put into every Portuguese stocking a copy of Robinson Crusoe!
Those who read it will recall the lesson the hero learnt when he decided that he was going to carve a boat out of a tree and then head for the high sees.
The obstacles in the challenge lied in first chopping down the massive tree, then carving it out and finally in getting the boat into the water.
Our hero developed a plan for the first two obstacles but decided that he would resolve the last problem when he got to it.
After much deliberation he finally got the first two tasks done when he discovered that there was no solution to his third problem: the boat was too massive and too heavy to ever get it to the shore and into the sea.
Nowadays I find that most people are adopting the same attitude that leaves them eventually stranded: "I’ll see when I get there"...
What happened to thinking things out?...
Making back up plans?...
Things don’t sort themselves out... you have to search and implement solutions for the problems in your life!
I read in the paper that Portuguese people don’t save, taxes went up last year, salaries are stagnant, minimum wages are a disgrace and yet 673 million credit cards were issued last year - an increase of 20%!!!
What are these people thinking? Buying on credit isn’t a free ride... if you don’t have the money in cash to buy things now what makes you think you will have it when the credit card bill comes in?!
Even those items that cost a little more than what you might have available, isn’t it preferable to save and buy it without any future worry (this way you may even get a discount) then having to remember to pay something during 12months that cost you more than the original price thanks to interest rates.
Maybe it’s just me... maybe it’s the "third world" education that I got back in 9th grade that taught me how to budget my life that makes me alien to what my Economics teacher would call irresponsibility and financial suicide... What scares me the most is that people are adopting this attitude in almost every aspect in their lives to avoid responsibility.
Talk to any person... when it comes to relationships, nobody wants to commit anymore. Most of today’s relationships start off with the "colourful friendship" or that fling that somehow carried on for so long that is now regarded as a relationship. Dating is non-committal and not to be considered a sign of interest (consider it more like a practice run) and going steady is unheard of unless you’re either engaged or married.
So maybe I’m old-fashioned but I like to know where I stand with the people around me. I like to know whether the person standing in front of me is my friend who will stick with me through thick and thin and be available when I may need his/her shoulder... or if they’re just someone I greet or have lunch with.
I’d like to know whether the man I share my bed with is the one who wants to build a home, a family and a future with me or if he’s there just to satisfy my sexual desires.
It’s only been five years since I’ve left school but have things changed so much that now there are crash courses on how to avoid responsibility?: If you can’t resolve it, leave it?!!!
Perhaps it’s my character that prohibits me from comprehending the concept of discarding responsibility, or the incompatibility lies somewhere in my perfectionism; whatever the reason, I simply can’t accept:
"We’ll see when we get there..."
I’m all in favour of faith but I don’t believe in walking blind by choice.
You’ll never win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket;
Get an education if you don’t study;
Win a race if you don’t run
Or conquer love if you don’t fight for it...
Trust in God but lock your doors...
Have faith that he will provide food and shelter but don’t turn away the job he gives you in order to provide you with those things.
Take care of yourselves and teach those you love to do the same... remember that when all is gone and taken away, all that you’re left with is yourself.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
He told me:
“Take it from me honey because I too am a man, no man is searching for a commitment. Men just want to have fun. They only want the perks without the relationship. So if it´s a relationship that you want, you first have to give him what he wants and he will commit when he realises that he doesn´t want to lose you. Throw out the bait and reel him in...”
And though Daddy dearest has a point, I´ve chosen to play it like Frank Sinatra – My Way.
Sex in the City is not only for the boys. Women have also come to the conclusion that it is easier to keep and maintain a doll than a relationship.
Great Sex... and yes, one might even keep the doll around as long as the maintenance isn´t too high and while nothing better comes along.
After sometime, one might even title their doll as their girl/boyfriend for antiguity´s sake.
But all a doll will ever be is a doll and the most a doll might ever become is the convenient spouse or DNA donor.
Wanting to play the game by the rules, I almost conceded to the “colourful frienship”. Due to the fact that his life was complicated, I would roll with the punches until he was sure that I was worth fighting for. We would would discover our compatibility in bed, tease discretely in the presence of others and eventually he would decide to make more room for me in his life. I´d deal with the excess baggage his life came with – all in the name of love.
No thanks – i´d rather bite off my own arm than be trapped into sacrificing in the name of the love for a man who sacrifices nothing in turn.
If a man can play the field then so can a woman.
I´ve discovered that you need not even touch a man to inflame his desire for you and with very little effort you can have various dangling at your feet.
Why shouldn´t I ? If I can and they´re willing?
I´ve never fooled a man into believing that he will get more than I offer though however much I warn, there are those who slip like some woman two tried playing the game and got too involved.
Because we all get eventually tired of playing with dolls...
And because there isn´t a living soul alive that doesn´t want true love.
Those who seek the pleasure without the pain of love either know not what it is, or are to scared of the pain that comes with it...
Most fall into the latter catagory.
No pain – no Gain. How else will we learn to appreciate something as precious and timeless as love if it never blew up in our faces?
I rediscovered my true worth.
I am not willing to sacrifice my integrity for someone else´s convenience.
A man who wants me in his life will have to know that he wants me and be willing to confront whatever loving me takes.
And if i´m a demanding woman, it is only because I am willing to give all that I ask in return.
I am not afraid of taking the first step but do not count on a second unless you step with me.
Don´t try to fool me – I will play you for a fool.
I don´t play by the rules so those seeking to conquer my heart better risk opening theirs... and guess what... there will always be someone wise enough to take the risk because those wise enough can see what I already know:
I am worth it.
Thanks for the advice Daddy – but I deserve better.
to say “go away” when I mean “stay”
To run away instead of towards...
It is beyond self-betrayal... it is pure torture.
I turned my back though you were all that I could see in front of me.
Before I even turned around, I had already recognised your touch.
And even though I willed my body to be still in your presence,
I could not prevent it from betraying me as it moved along with yours before I could muster the courage to break away from the dance you tempted me with.
My heart screamt against my desperate attempts to push you away
And wept when I succeeded.
And whilst prudence congratulated me – my heart mourned.
Can´t you see this isn´t a game?
Can´t you tell that it´s over?
There is nothing to salvage, all that is left over is hurt.
Forgive me for my deceitful reactions
Forgive me for my sharp words
None of which came from the heart...
Don´t come close because they are all I can give you.
If you ever cared for me at all,
bless me with your distance.
Although around him the party is in full swing, his tie and jacket are still in place and he prefers to watch those around him rather than to join in the festivities.
He won´t be around a beautiful woman for longer than a small chit-chat and he allows no person to provoke him into dancing.
Shy guy? - Don´t be fooled, you may be staring at an ex-player.
Inside the tie and jacket is a man of all women who knows only too well how to dance, charm and play the field.
The kind that always played no less than two at a time...
A man who would make James Bond look like an amateur...
And although he may have retired from the game, you will find in his perceptive eyes that it still lives within him.
He may have given it up, but it takes restraint from the temptation of playing again.
I dare to tease..
Not to punish the player, not to torture him...
Just to remind him of who he is and the option he´s made.
I accused him of being stuck up, of no longer being the fun person that he once was.
Grinning, he reminded me that he was no longer free to be that person though I insisted that fun was still possible and faithfull within limits.
He looked away and then a minute later answered with the look of a man who pleeded with me not to tempt him.
Breaking the tension, I noted that he no longer held his glass of gin tonic and he replied defeatingly that the gin had finished at the bar as if i´d lost my weapon to convince him to let loose.
Two minutes later, I put a glass of gin tonic in his hands.
“Resourceful girl that you are!” he said admiringly.
“Not at all, I get everything I want and need with a mere “please” and “thank-you” accompanied with a smile” I replied defiantly.
He must´ve read the honesty in my eyes that let him know that I wasn´t after his heart because three minutes later his tie and jacket were off and we danced much to the horror of the worried glances around us.
As I was spun around on the dancefloor, I caugh the wink of another ex-player who smiled in recognition of my intentions.
I´d be dancing with him next...
But before I once again switched partners, my efforts were rewarded with a “thank-you” in an embrace that told me that he meant it.
As I approached an ex-student who had already learnt the lesson i´d just taught, I couldn´t help but sigh in self-satisfaction of a job well done.
Laughing, he pulled me into a tighter dance than the recommended for an ex-playerand whispered in my ear that I hadn´t lost my touch.
“Don´t you think you´re dancing too close to the edge?” I remarked as he pulled my leg firmly between his.
“No... considering that I know your true identity.” he replied teasingly.
“Angel undercover. Though i´m guessing that at some point in your life you must´ve been quite a player yourself.”
I laughed at his fishing attempts.
“Perhaps in a previous reincarnation” I replied truthfully
“You must´ve been the Don Juan de Marco”
I smiled at the compliment.
“So what is his story? Recently married?” he asked
“Hopefully in the near future. She was an ex-girlfriend, engaged to be married. He has swapped her for others but woke up when he realised he was about to lose her. Chose his love for her over his player ways and fears falling into temptation.”
“What makes you think he won´t?”
“Same reason I know you won´t – he truly loves her.”
A sensual dance ended with a mutual smile.
We sympathise with the alcoholics who attend parties flowing with drinks and prudently avoid showing them the glass of wine that could cause the downward spiral of their addiction.
I sympathise, admire and respect ex-players.
In fact I sympathise, admire and respect anyone who stays true in the name of love.
However, I believe that all is healthy within it´s limits.
I was once again rewarded with a grateful smile as I watched my latest student leave unaccompanied. I know the freedom and joy his soul felt and that his heart conceded to. And I was happy for the woman he was going home to...Her faith in him is justified.
Monday, January 16, 2006
You, with your devious eyes...
You, with that deceptive smile...
You, who knows no boundaries to get what you want.
I can see you for who you are.
You measure, plot and plan every move you make
You play those around you like pieces on a chessboard
You who will try to fool your own mother...
I know what you want.
Do you honestly think he will love you after all your manipulation?
What respect can you gain from those you have defeated unmercifully?
Why should the world who any mercy unto you?
I recognise your signature on the unnecesary suffering...
You are the serpent who coils around the pawns you deem useful
You are the proud two-face that keeps her friends close and her enemies closer
No living being will ever take priority above your selfish desires
I figured out how you operate.
I pity the sad character that you are, who now has lost the power to fool me.
I pray for your soul that only knows faithfullness to itself.
I´m sorry, but I give up trying to rescue you, for there is little goodness that wants to be saved.
You, who has no friends – has no need for them.
One day you may even reach your goal.
You might conquer his commitment, have him in your bed, in your life and call him your own.
But you will never conquer the place in his heart that belongs to the true loves that you chased away from his life.
The warmth you seek will never come beyond his body
And you will always find yourself – successfully alone.
I asked my angel for good friends
but he began removing people from my life.
“What are you doing?” I asked tearfully.
“I´m making space for what you asked of me” he replied.
Don´t cry for those who leave your life.
Though no person is irreplaceble, some where only meant to stay with us for as long as it takes to make an impact on our lives.
It is only human to weep for those we lose
but accept that no person is ours to keep
and have faith that God has a new friend waiting for fill the void that the old one left behind.
I cry because I hate goodbyes,
Because there is no greater pain that the loss of someone your heart treasures.
Because there is no anaesthetic for when someone is removed from your life nor morphine from the emptiness of the pain that their absence leaves you with.
Those present in my life may not be tomorrow
but I know that long after the tears have ceased to flow,
I can still find the special friends in my heart
and keep them alive in my memory.
Those who I can no longer remember are merely part of the trash that got thrown out when God decided to clean out my closet.
There are those who love us,
Those who want us in their lives and are willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to be with us.
They practice understanding and patiently wait for us to open our hearts to them.
They are the friends who want to be more,
They are the puppets that we leave hanging...
We keep them hanging...
We recognise their qualities and atributes but to do commit because we do not love them... but one day we might.
Or so we tell ourselves that we might...
because we fear that there will be no one if true love doesn´t come along and that it is better to be with a puppet who loves us rather than to be alone.
Maturity gives us the tools we need to cut the strings.
Because those who love us have the right to find those who truly love them.
Because time cannot find love where it never existed
And because there is no greater and more selfish crime that to leave someone hanging.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Human beings are born with the necessity to be understood.
It´s what keeps us from solitary isolation.
Loneliness is a self imposed punishment.
I complained to my angel that I could not feel his arms around me when I needed comfort and that I could not hear his words of consolation to my hurts. I asked forgiveness for as a human being, feeling the need of physical support. The kind that I could feel through my body into my soul. The kind only felt with a hug or a squeeze of hands.
He sent me a woman whom I met through the choices of those dear to me. Brought together by uncomfortable circumstances, we somehow found comfort in each other´s understanding of the world.
When the truth is met with courage, a friendship can be found even in the most unlikely of circumstances. Once again, I was reminded that friendships are not based on age, backgrounds or culture... it may not even require affinities, common interests or even time. All a friendship requirees to get a start is the desire to understand another individual and respect for both them and their opinions.
The future may have it that perhaps one day society shall call her my step sister, although to me she´s simply the special friend I met through circumstance. She´s the comfort and understanding my angel sent me in substitute of his physical self.
Inspiring, understanding and with an incredible capacity to live and love, this woman embarked with me on a parallel journey of self discovery and enlightenement.
Together we found stength in the courage to our convictions.
I felt especially blessed to have met and spent time with her and proud of the energy we inspired in each other. Despite whichever differences our lives may define us by, we have the ability to reach out and touch and comprehend the people life introduces us to.
On the passing of the year, I stood a few minutes before midnight with twelve raisins in my hand wondering what to wish for. Every year, it´s a tradition to ask fate for something good in our lives.
I though it unwise to ask for love as it had brought along with it heartache that year.
Considering that I was still healing from it´s side effects, I decided to give it at least another year before investing in that particular blessing.
I considered asking for money, as it would without a doubt facilitate the success of the projects I planned to accomplish. But wisdom has taught me that happiness lives a short marriage with money and I decided that success would be worth more if I entrust my goals to my efforts and my financial obstacles to my capable angels.
It came to me with a smile and I didn´t think twice before taking the bite... what I asked fore this year is for good friends in Lisbon.
He who has a friend in his life already has all he needs to be happy.
Last year was the year of change. It was every person´s opportunity to make a big change in their lives. 2006 is the chinese year of the dog and I believe if will be the year for honesty.
Sincerity with oneself and truthfulness with others.
Being in the year of my chinese astrological sign, i´m hoping to bring some of my hopes and dreams into reality. All it takes is the faith.
Faith in yourself and faith in the angels around you.
Friends are the angels God puts on earth to look after us, comfort us and support us when our own wings lose the strength to fly - make as many as life gives you.
I stand anxious to see what the new year will bring for me an those I care about.
May this year bring with it more love in people´s hearts and the courage to recognise, fight and live by it.
Happy New Year to Everyone!
It had been quite a long time since i´d had a Scorpian night... it´s one of those nights that promises intensity and the danger of hurt should you not handle emotions well...
A night impossible to forget... the kind that you need skill and control to survive.
On a night like this... the air feels cooler, the atmosphere sharper and the world seems clearer...
You´re faced with the choice of whether or not to embark on a wild rollercoaster ride... the kind that you could lose yourself on, if you don´t hold on tight enough.
The challenge of coming close to the heart of a Scorpio is equivalent of trying to tame a tiger... no matter how tame or educated he may seem on the surface, his sting has the speed and poison to make a strong soul ill and kill the weaker of spirits... a Scorpian sting is the kind that doesn´t heal easily and I knew that prevention was a wiser choice...
Perhaps it was the air of the night and the pull of the moon...
Perhaps it was the erotism of being hit on by a lesbian a while earlier that had sparked my interest to play...
It could´ve been the sheer magic of the night or prewritten destiny...
or maybe I was just bored...
Black blazer, neatly dressed and sharp look of the eyes... Young and therefore easier to handle, prudence nonetheless told me not to underestimate his sting and so I proceeded cautiously.
Logic... they love it... they thrive on it and they seek it like bees seek pollen.
Don´t try threaten these boys with poetry of love, they´ll just sting you and disappear quicker than they appeared...
To dominate a Scorpio, you have to give him the impression that he´s in control...
You don´t need to show him the way, just ask him where he´s headed and you´ll find that he´ll catch your trail.
Be honest always - any false move that they pick on will be the death of the connection you make.
Dare to push his buttons... and you´ll find that he´ll press yours, he may even find buttons you yourself didn´t know you possessed.
A Scorpio will never make the first move, but if you open a space for him... he´ll step into it.
Be wary of the space you give him - he might slowly back you into a corner.
Then he´ll move in close... almost too close for you to breathe.
He´ll whisper in your ear and brush your cheek with his so to imprint you with his aftershave...
His lips will always be close enough for you to possess...
but he won´t put to end your desire for the kiss you unless you take the initiative.
If you´re distracted for half a second... he´ll sting you.
If you lose courage for a moment... he´ll take control.
Be wary of your limits, to tease a Scorpio is to be painfully mutilated by his wrath.
It takes a strong personality to get close to this man´s heart without getting hurt...
And how do you know when you´re close?
When he backs you against a wall and tells you in his own words that he doesn´t want to get hurt... When you look into his cold eyes and see a heart that is willing to fight it´s suspicious nature and surrender itself to you completely... The scary moment when you feel the power of all the world in your hands.
I pulled out the capacity and desire to love from a Scorpio´s heart. Intense yet fragile, the love of this man is immeasurable... the woman who handles it will, will be loved and protect beyond the strength of her comprehension.
He says that he´ll never forget me and I know it´s true. There is a woman out there whose fate with this man will be greatly enriched from the hours that we spent fighting each other´s barriers.
I taught this Scorpio that passion won´t feed the heart and love can be accompanied with the intensity he seeked... lest he had the courage to believe in it.
I touched a Scorpio´s soul and survived unscathed... I was reminded that every heart harbours the capacity for great love... one merely needs the desire and courage to find, believe and fight for it.