Tuesday, April 04, 2006

In Focus

They asked me what I wanted for my birthday...
I was to drop hints or grade suggestions so that on my birthday they could present me with the perfect gift… something that I truly wanted.
A perfume? The sweet fragrance kind.
Perhaps a book, something involving psychology or the paranormal
You can never go wrong with music – anything rhythmically Latin that I can either dance or sing to.
Something edible? Something Interactive? Something Wearable?
What is it that I want?

It frustrates me more than them that I can’t think up anything that I want or need. Sure there are things I’m saving up for; but the university degree, the apartment, the car and the trip to South Africa aren’t the kind of gifts your colleagues can afford. Nor are they the kind of achievements that I expect to receive on a silver platter. It seems that everything that I want is sitting on the list of goals I plan to accomplish with time, effort and hard work.
The one gift I want in life that I can’t give myself is the one gift no one can purchase for me…

Every year on my birthday and at Christmas, I ask the universe for an attainable gift. Last year I asked to broaden my horizons – I moved to Lisbon in September. The year before I asked for my father to visit me in Madeira – That was the best Christmas present I got. The year before I’d asked for my own home – I managed to invest in my very first apartment that very year. And while one could argue that I achieved all of the above goals on my own – I know in my heart and soul that I couldn’t have done it without help from my angels and the universe’s energy to my favour. Everything I ever achieved in life, I achieved because I have faith – I am nothing without it.

What do I want? Most people know – the psychology degree, the successful career, the home, the travelling – a million and one projects and ideas I want to try out and a million and one people I want to meet along the way. And then there’s my mission, the one where I make a positive difference in the lives of the people I come across, I want to be part of the reason their lives is easier and happier for having met me. These are the dreams I strive for and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I’ll achieve each and every one of the above-mentioned goals.

What do I want for my birthday?

A lady once told me that I’d marry at 23. I considered 23 to be too early an age to fit in with my life’s projects and I longed for the day in which I got to tell her otherwise. Tomorrow destiny and I prove her wrong. And though I should be proud that my life has been shaped by my will rather than by her predictions, for once in my life, I wish I were wrong.

I’d like that cute guy at work to notice me and invite me out to dinner. He could then prove my theory wrong that “interwork relationships don’t work” wrong and force me to break my vow never to get involved with someone I work with. Then there’s that theory that marriage in an outdated investment, fate would also have it that our wild and spontaneous imagination be the cause to earlier than planned parenting so that at adolescence, we could be young enough to be our children’s best friends. I want to travel with the same man by my side wherever in the world I go and snuggle up close to him at night. I want what nobody can buy, earn or fabricate. I want what I can’t build or control with my own hands or hard work. I want the family my father always dreamed of, the man my mother always hoped for and the love I’ve always wanted for as long as I can remember. Somehow all my other projects should be able do adapt around this one dream I can’t seem to forget.

I know that I’m not alone in the world desiring this old fashioned fantasy. I can practically feel the tension and knots in the throats of many that read this and can identify with my basic desire as a human being. I only want what ever other soul on this planet seeks… the need that we no longer consider basic and silence with all other ambitions. With myself included, I note that we deny what we most desire – aren’t we strange creatures.
This year I asked for the courage to write and share what I most find difficult to face and admit.
Then I asked for the strength to avoid the pain felt when the heart demands the filling of an empty space that can’t be filled by books, perfumes or CD´s. To resist the demeaning self-criticism resulting from unreciprocated love that causes an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, taking away the desire and meaning to living.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change those that I can and wisdom to know the difference”

For those of you in doubt, I didn’t ask to kill hope, my faith will never die…
I merely asked for the strength to ignore the temptation of chasing butterflies while I devote my attention on the destiny in which I can change.
Focus… I asked for power of focusing on what I have control over.

Sunday, April 02, 2006


I didn’t want to talk
I didn’t want to listen
And I most certainly didn’t want to be seen…
So I took a deep breath and dove into a watery world.

Above the surface was the reality I didn’t want to face.
I could hear it’s muffled sounds from above the distorted image
I could hear voices calling my name
I could hear my voice respond and in all the while…
I couldn’t bring myself to surface.

Looking up, the world became smaller,
The voices softer,
And though I knew I shouldn’t sink…
I seemed to forget how to keep afloat.
About to surrender to my fate when I saw them…
Sky blue,
And a warm smile radiating like golden sunshine on a perfect day.
It was the two dimples that registered the face I was looking at.
An angels face?
Was death that quick and painless?
What do you know… angels also have acne!
And it’s a guy… angels are guys?…
Hehehe… Sex of the angels’ mystery solved… All the ladies cry YAY!
Lips moving… he’s saying something…
To me!… Hark the angel speaks!…

“Guy trouble? And yes, before you bother to ask… all men are dogs and that’s why I go for women!”

That desperate search of air…
That overload of oxygen in my lungs…
Was I choking?
No!… I was rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off!
My cheeks went red,
My sides hurt,
And the wetness in my eyes were tears of utter joy…
The more I laughed, the more I felt alive.

A two-metre angel rowed a boat on an office chair across the room and suddenly my work environment will never look the same again.

Angels aren’t there to keep us from sinking,
… they’re there to make sure we reach the surface again.