Sunday, July 31, 2005

The Replacement

The Replacement

It never quite ceases to amaze me how quickly some people are able to find replacements for others in their lives. One week you have a guy on his knees declaring his undying love for you and the next you see him with his arm around some girl making out as if she was his soul mate.
This isn’t to undermine these people; after all… life has a way of turning things around in a blink of an eye. Why shouldn’t it do the same with love?
However in my experience, I feel that love isn’t so easily forgotten or replaced… in fact, I believe true love is irreplaceable.
I believe that the heart is big enough to hold a thousand friends in every decimetre of its size but it has only room enough for one true love at a time. Sure, there are times when it may be confused but soon it learns that it only has space and strength to beat for one person and eventually someone falls into one of those chambers where special friends are kept: leaving room once again for only true love.
And should love be lost, dumped or left… the heart is left with a big empty space that no friendship, no matter how colourful it may be, can fill.
That however doesn’t keep people from trying to fill that void.
We so desperately feel the need to connect with another human being that any warmth we find in the hand that touches us can and will be interpreted as fire…
In the meantime… for the moment… for the evening… for the night… maybe longer...
Until one morning we wake up and realise that we still feel that void.
Kill love with love?
Yeah right!
How deep does the feeling go? How happy does it truly make you?... and most importantly, how long is it going to last before the illusion wears off and you need another replacement?
I’ve watched women kiss toads in a desperate attempt to find a prince charming; I’ve seen them waste their time and energy with guys that contribute nothing positive to their lives just so that they can say that they’re not alone…
I’ve watched the strongest of men embrace a plastic doll; grab onto the first skirt they see and flirt with the girl they’ll never take home to their mothers, just to keep their minds distracted from that emptiness in their hearts.

It’s so easy… so tempting and even natural to shiver at a warm touch, to respond to a sweet word and surrender to the desperate desire of filling an empty space in the heart… As a good friend of mine put it: if you join hunger to the will to eat you risk disastrous results! However once you’ve had your fill, eventually you won’t want to eat more… but did you eat what you really wanted?
You may wake up next to the face that you want to wake up every morning to, just as you may wake up preferring to chew your own arm off rather than waking that person next to you. It’s a Russian roulette of emotions, eventually… somebody gets hurt.

At four o’clock in the morning, I stood on a quiet veranda and looked out onto the stars.
Somewhere out there was I being replaced?
Sometimes, I too just want to feel the pleasure to forget the pain… it’s so easy to find a replacement.
I only fight it because I feel it is no more than a selfish attitude… why risk someone getting hurt for a few hours of pleasure if in the morning I’ll wake up still with an empty heart?

I believe that there are no replacements for love, only time can close the door to an empty room and make space in your heart for a new love.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Midnight Walk Home

Midnight Walk Home

Walking out into the dark night, I attuned all my senses to my surroundings. It seems that the sky housed more than its usual amount of stars.
The shadows crept out to inspect what dared disrupt their peace.
Peace… Silence…
The only sound I could hear was the uniform beat of my heels connecting with the concrete floor. Until now, I never noticed how loud the sound is.
Starlight, city lights… darkness.
Taking a deep breath, I succumb to the night and let my mind wander…

My dearest Friend,
If only I could give you a pill, buy you the instruction manual, operate or even wish your pain away I would… I watch it eat you alive, replacing the shine in your eyes with a deep, hollow emptiness.
Your body is visibly intact but it seems to have been drained of your soul.
Standing there looking at me, I feel the silent plea for your rescue and my heart breaks with yours as we both acknowledge that I’m helpless to save you.
Talk… and I will listen.
It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it relieves the pressure.
I won’t bother with advice, comfort or tell you that I understand… we both know that they’re no more than words, incapable of mending a broken heart…
Nothing I tell you will make time go any faster, only time will heal the wounds left open since she went away. When love leaves it takes your heart with it, it takes away all concept of time and everything else ceases to matter.
I know where your mind goes when it drifts off. When you look into the distance I know the face you see and the eyes you seek.
Torn between wanting me to go so to be left alone with your memories and then wanting me to stay so that you don’t have to face them… I sense your inner struggle.
Love is known to be the highest risk one can take due to the fact that it is in direct proportion to pain. The more you love someone, the more capacity you give them to hurt you. And when they go away, they take that chunk of your heart with them… leaving you disarmed, to pick up the pieces and fill the empty holes with only time to help you.
I wish I could make it better, I wish I could make it go away… but I can’t.
I can listen, I can offer you my shoulder, give you hug and hand you a tissue…
All I can truly do is be there for you while time passes us by…

Walking down a dark alley, I stare at the reflexes of broken glass. It looks like someone dropped glitter drops onto the floor especially for me. I remember that when I was little, I was fascinated with a similar looking floor… black glistening… I loved going in the metro just to see the shiny floor… the metro… Lisbon…
Oh Lisbon! – How I so often force you out of my thoughts!
I can’t be allowed to think of you now! Thoughts of you always get the best of me at this hour, leaving me vulnerable and insecure!
I glance at my watch – midnight.
Midnight… on an airstrip in Lisbon, a plane is landing.
Where is it really supposed to land? Where is its home? Flying between Madeira and Lisbon does it know where its home is? Perhaps its home is in the air… between both destinations, perhaps it has no home. Perhaps I’m the plane: destination nowhere.

I interrupt my own thoughts with the sound coming from my chest, I hadn’t even noticed the song playing in my head until I began humming it… there’s always a song in my head, everything just seems to always link up to a song.
“…like the deserts miss the rain...”
Succumbing to the melody, I refuse access to anymore thoughts of self torture and began enjoying the comfort that the night offered me. I was almost sorry I arrived home.
Wincing as I hear the cold sound of the key fitting into the door’s lock, I’m overwhelmed with the desire to turn around and just keep on walking…
Where to? I don’t know… Does it matter?

My dearest Friend,
Tonight I tried to be the best friend I could be by being there for you, keeping you company and making sure you weren’t feeling alone… what you probably didn’t realise is that I was in need of our friendship as much as you were.

PS. To all my friends: Did you know that the sun is the closest star to earth? This means that no matter how far away I may be, i´m still your close friend!
Friends are like stars, you can´t always see them but you know they´re always there. Thank-You to all the stars in my sky.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Dancing Solo

Dancing Solo

I didn’t want to go.
I didn’t feel like being out there…
I wanted to be here, in my sitting room, dressed in my pyjamas, comforted by my music and surrounded by candles.
I hate forcing my soul to get up, to get dressed... I can’t stay too long in the shower or the desire to stay alone will be stronger than my promise to go out…
Grabbing the first thing I find in the cupboard, I grab a skirt that I hadn’t worn in ages… it’s not like I’m out to impress anyway! Just a night out with the girls.
So I summon my smile as I put on my make up and pray for the energy to make it through the night.
I don’t feel like going! Not tonight… not when I so want to be on my own…

A flash of headlights on my window and the ring from my phone tells me that I’m too late to back out.

Smiles, laughter, new faces, and foreign names… the atmosphere that I love…
seems so suffocating tonight.
I drown my exhaustion on a strawberry cocktail and close my eyes as the sweet nectar takes away some of the bitterness in the back of my throat.

Massive Attack.
The music couldn’t be more to my liking!
Slow and Soulful, I close my eyes and drift onto its serenade.
So relaxed and detached from my surroundings, I almost didn’t hear the voice calling me back into the crowd…
No! not yet I thought… let me wallow in my thoughts for a while longer…
But he didn’t hear my silent plea and crashed me down to earth by telling me of his private thoughts:
“We humans are such funny creatures, we take long to realise what everybody else sees almost immediately. Like love for instance! You have a friend that you respect and admire but take forever to realise that you’re in love until it’s too late. It’s so important to recognise love and to act upon it when you have the chance or you might lose that chance forever”
I saw the direction in which his eyes were looking; I knew his words were about someone else… he didn’t know however, that they might as well have been about me.
We never truly know how deep our words echo in someone else’s heart.
I winced as I felt them cut through my inner peace and the music that once brought me calm now disturbed me with bittersweet memories. I sighed, recognising the emptiness as something… someone that was missing in the picture.
Surrounded by my favourite people… I nonetheless felt alone.

Loneliness is such a serious condition that no matter how much fun you’re having, it doesn’t seep into your soul. And though I willed my mind to tell me otherwise, I still felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there.
And so, in a sea of faces and opportunity, I blocked out the crowd and danced.

I danced like there was nobody watching…
Allowing none other than the music for my companion, I let him rule my senses and move my body. I no longer cared where I was and felt nothing more than his beat thumping onto my heart, tempting my spirit and flirting with my soul.
Letting go… to him, the music, and the rhythm breathes back the life into my spirit. That speaks to the very essence of me and makes me feel like a woman… I surrender to the power of the beat, the rhythm of the music that controls energy that feeds my soul.
Drunk on no more than the music, this is where I’m supposed to be.

Full moon on a hot summer’s night with good friends, old friends, new friend and even gay friends… isn’t this where I’m supposed to be?

I didn’t want to go.
I knew that I’d feel alone regardless or whether or not I went out.
I can’t say that I didn’t have fun; I can’t say that I did…
On some nights, it simply doesn’t make a difference.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Stress Prescription

Stress Prescription

I recommend a good dose of stress in your life. The kind that calls for the biting of nails, the scratching of the head and the pulling of hairs. I recommend some worrying in your life, the kind that keeps you up after bed time or the kind that gets you up before the alarm clock rings. I recommend doubt in your soul, the kind that forces you to summon your inner strength, re-evaluate your priorities and brings you closer to those who love and support you.

I once heard that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And although stress is modern time’s most notorious killer; I believe that it’s as necessary to the body as is the air we breathe. Lack of challenges in one’s life makes for a weak spirit, a bored mind and a meaningless waste of time. What good is a life without goals? Without a dream?
What good is a dream if you don’t fight for it?

A friend of mine sent me the following message of encouragement:
It is the most strenuous, difficult, complicated and less travelled upon roads that takes us to the best destinations in life.

She sent this to me nine weeks ago when the stress began to intensify. Over a year ago I decided that I no longer wanted to stay on this island. I didn’t know where exactly it was that I wanted to go but I knew that I needed to be somewhere that allows me to be more than what I am today. After sending countless CV´s to half a dozen countries on each continent, it occurred to me that I didn’t need to change nationality… I simply needed to cross the ocean! I’ve always been a firm believer in fate, and destiny it seems; felt I was pushing in the wrong direction! It’s when I started making steady decisions to move to Lisbon that my heart began telling me that I was on the right track.

I came to this conclusion six months ago and ever since I’ve began my battle for the transfer that is as slow as this country’s bureaucracy… or am I just over anxious?
First it was that “should I or shouldn’t I” of whether or not to respond to that announcement.
Then you go through that “Are they or aren’t they going to give a reply?” phase and end up concluding that you weren’t right for the position in any case.
Just as you begin to relax and forget that you ever applied, they call you up with one of those “We’re going to need you for an interview”
They don’t tell you exactly when so they give you a couple of days to stare at your phone before they let you know that the interview was actually supposed to be for yesterday and could you come first thing in the morning!
So soon?
You’ve barely got time to figure out what you’re going to wear when you realise your stress levels are at an all time high and that one more cup of coffee could represent the caffeine overload that might lead you to strangle the next person that asks you if you’re nervous.

Life has a way of making you go through practise runs… you know… like that first interview that leaves you wondering: “What the hell was I thinking?”.
Fifteen minutes was all it took for both the interviewer and I to realise that I wasn’t meant for the opening and I left with my shoulder drooped, my hopes dampened and a low on motivation.

Back to the drawing board! You somehow manage to salvage your mind from blowing up after it nearly exploded with “What went wrong” reruns.
Picking yourself up and dusting off the dirt, you remember that life is just a journey in any case and you keep filling in those applications wondering where they’ll take you next. And before you know it… the phone rings again!

Getting my head checked….
Big enterprises send their employees future or not on psychological evaluations… they make you look at ink blotches and write down all the first words you can think of starting with an “R”. They expect words like: “reflection” and “responsibility” while the only words you can remember is: “Rodent” “Rat” “Ex-boyfriend”…. Oops, that doesn’t start with an “R” hehehe…
Then you make an oopsie by remembering the word “Repression” but comfort yourself by remembering that the bosses usually appreciate such a word from an employee.
After thirty-two words I was stuck! Blocked… yeap, me a writer running out of words with an “R”.
“Can’t I write these in English? Actually I know a couple in Afrikaans too…” the monitor simply grinned while he shook his head and told me that my time was over in any case.

With three people on vacation and the holiday pressure on, it was almost eight when I left the office. The pharmacy on duty was too far to walk to go buy the special shampoo that’s supposed to cure the dandruff created from the stress I’ve been causing to my head! I stepped on gum and realised that I’d forgotten my cellphone in my desk so I had to walk all the way back… just in time to miss my bus!

I had two choices: Be irritated or laugh it off.

I laughed it off and decided to spend those extra fifteen minutes that it would take to wait for the next bus to visit my favourite spot on the island: The docks.
I watched the reflection of the sun on the calm sea and heard the sound of the waves crashing. I allowed the day’s heat to seep into my veins and I asked God to be with me, to give me patience and persistence not to let go of my dreams.
The start of a new Chapter implies the end of the previous. Every new beginning implies the death of the old and every new destination implies leaving something… someone behind.
Family, friends, colleagues… it seems like too many people to leave behind, too many goodbyes to have to say, too many voids that will need filling…

But I have two ways of looking at this: I can choose to live like I’m leaving, or I can choose to live for the moment!!!

I choose to live the moment, the now, and this instant!… lately I live less the tomorrow that I’m fighting for to concentrate on the today that I’m living in.

I recommend making a joke of things gone wrong, asking for a bib when the juice from a peace makes its way onto your white shirt and whistle “Don’t worry, be happy” when that nightmare client walks in.
The more I live, the more convinced I am that the perspective you choose to have in life is what makes the difference to the glass being either half full or half empty…
Why look at the challenges in your life negatively if they shape and strengthen the person you are and the person you can become?
If life and love weren’t so fulfilling and wonderful, people wouldn’t risk heartache and tears… And the stress in between is merely the excitement that get us from where and who we are to where and who we want to be.

So yeah… I’m a little stressed, but in the end it’s all good. They say stress makes some go mad and the way I see it: I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Monday, July 18, 2005

A Moment Of Weakness

A Moment Of Weakness
Laying my head on grandma’s lap I closed my eyes in pure ecstasy as she stroked my hair with her wrinkled fingers. I’ve always loved the feel of someone stroking my hair… it takes away the stress and reminds me to breath deeper, speak slower and listen to the sound of my own heart beating. Grandma stroked the tense thoughts from head.
Things haven’t always been this way. I recall a time where she wouldn’t let anyone come near her, but it seems that since my grandfather died, she’s learnt to be more affectionate.
We don’t always share the same opinions; in fact we’re almost two worlds apart.
My grandmother lives by her head, I live by my heart and we’re both very stubborn about it. But at times like these where the both of us merely stare into the blue sky in total silence, I don’t believe we could understand each other more.
Without having to say a word, she understood the doubts swimming in my head and instead of criticising them, she simply let them be.
I unwound to the point where I felt the freedom to admit my fears and was surprised that I wasn’t met with the usual strong and stubborn response.
The “General” is what we called grandma. Because there would be no weaknesses in her platoon and everything had a practical solution. Plan and action, there’s nothing more to it.
The first fight I ever had with grandma was on a night she caught me crying. To her, it was an unforgivable weakness to miss someone… even if it were my family that I left behind. I had made my decision to cross oceans and I was to concentrate on nothing more than my future. There was to be no room for the past, the emotions or the tears… Tears are for the weak, feelings are for the weak.
Grandma hates weak people.

But today she didn’t correct me. She didn’t tell me to stop concentrating on the emotional part of my decisions nor stop hurting for the people I was leaving behind… perhaps because this time, she’s one of the people that stays behind in my past…
She sighed once I finished telling her how much my heart was breaking for those that I love… those that I’m leaving behind.
For the only time I can remember in my life, grandma didn’t have words for me and I understood…

I lifted my head from her lap and sat up, putting my arms around her and pressing her head onto my chest. The only other time I can recall her allowing me to do this was when my grandfather died.
She breathed softly as I brushed my fingers through her silvery hair. Her hair was soft and the skin on her face smooth. I brushed away the lines of worry from her brow. Although she didn’t say it, I felt that she too was as heartbroken as I was.
It felt good to have my grandmother in my arms, to have her let me hold her, care for her and comfort her. I don’t understand why she’s so afraid of feeling…
A tear will always be worth a smile! And therefore heartache will always justify the love.

For the first time in any conversation that we’ve shared, Grandma didn’t voice an opinion or dispense any advice. Instead she asked me to bring my family to Madeira once I’ve created one for myself. I had to bite my tongue to suppress the urge to tell her that she’d have to live very long to see that day! So I limited myself to saying that when I find the person I want to share my life with, I’ll be sure to bring him around.
She smiled at the fact that I didn’t argue with her and then surprised me by remembering my grandfather:
“I miss him.”

My grandfather wasn’t the easiest man to deal with. He wasn’t an easy husband or an easy father and in the last few month of his life… he wasn’t the easiest patient or sick child to deal with.
But she loved him… my grandmother loved my grandfather…
I never saw it then, I don’t believe I ever saw them being affectionate with one another.
But I see it now… when she looks at his pictures, when she walks past his couch and the look in her face as she lays in my arms and confesses the emptiness he left behind.
The love was there when she took him coffee in the morning, put his clothes out each time he took a shower and made sure to make his favourite foods. Even though no one liked the rice soft – she would make it that way by “mistake” because he liked it soft.

There was I time in my life where I wanted to be exactly like my grandmother. I wanted to be confident, intelligent and respected. I would grow to be an independent woman who no longer felt fears or doubts, knowing the right choice to make every time.
Time then taught me that just because I have a soft inside, don’t mean that I have a weak shell. That just because I listen to my heart doesn’t mean I have to follow it everywhere it takes me. I learnt that being gullible doesn’t mean that I’m not made of strong stuff… and that being honest with my self involves admitting my fears before facing them. I’m not a weaker person because of the emotions I hold, nor will I be a stronger person if I choose to ignore them. The doubt will be as ever present in me as it is in grandma; we just deal with it in different ways.

There are days that I feel small, tiny, weak and lost in the world. On these days I often search to be alone, to hide my fragility and fears from those that have never seen the sun go down… But the sun does set as sure as it rises.
I don’t believe there is a human alive that’s never needed a shoulder to cry on, some of us just have a harder time admitting it. Doubt and fear will always be a part of our lives, it’s how we deal with them that makes the difference. Perhaps instead of searching for miracles, we should all start searching for a shoulder to lean on.

Thank-You to anyone and everyone who ever offered me their shoulder.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Perseverance Conquers

Perseverance Conquers

Some guys just don’t know when to quit!
Three weeks ago whilst out with my friends I met the most persistent Taurus I’ve ever met! You’d think some guys can take a hint… but no… not this one!
This Taurus pretty much jammed his foot in the door and simply won’t leave!
On a night out with friends, I was mighty content to fill the emptiness in my heart with alcohol accompanied with a complementary smile. Happy to simply be around friends, the last thing I was expecting was to be hit on by a smooth talking charmer in a navy shirt… Slightly amused and even flattered at first, I noticed the cute dimples on both sides and the eyes of someone who was interested.
However, it took about the time it takes for a song to take over my soul to forget about those hands that sought me out on the dance floor.
Moving from one club to another, I thought I’d lost him somewhere among the crowd… probably to some easier girl that didn’t give him that much trouble…
Imagine my surprise when I turn around and there was Mr. Persistent himself, not only was he there in my space but he made it quite clear that he was interested in than more than my attention.
Cat and Mouse – He asked for it!
Enough playtime before things get too serious… just before I tell him about the boyfriend: screwing up his chances of seeing me the next day…
Soft touch, sensual lips and a good dose of charm… what harm could a little TLC do? Especially from someone who gave it so willingly… I was beginning to enjoy it too… until I foresaw that defining kiss that took things to another level…
That’s when I turned my back to find that friend I haven’t seen in a long time… And there he was, as if summoned… smiling and as willing to catch up on old times as I was.
There I did it! He’s gone… or is he?
It wasn’t long before I was pulled away from my friend and reminded that bulls don’t give up that easily… not only was he bull-headed but he also managed to pin me into a sitting position that made it nearly impossible to get up without falling into him.
Uh Oh… now I’ve done it! I’ve attracted a leech!!!
Not only was he not taking a hint but he didn’t believe me about the boyfriend either.
“Where’s your boyfriend now?”
Where should he be if he wasn’t with me at that precise moment? - Lisbon!
I congratulated myself on my quick thinking considering my senses were being assaulted by a very sensual kiss to the neck. Where once he was simply breathing, he now dared to take lips where his warm breath had left a trail.
Irresistible… but coming from the wrong source!
I began wondering how I’d gotten myself into that precise mess!
“Hey!!! Hands off to what doesn’t belong to you!!!”
Yes - he ignored my protests flat!!!
I searched “big brother” for an SOS… but he sat near my side amused by my predicament and none too willing to offer any help.
Tired of dodging determined lips, I decided to give the guy a solid ditch by telling him to go chase another skirt!
“You see that girl over there… she wants your beef, go get her!”
That didn´t work either, in fact… I had to ask help from my friends to get unlocked and up from my seat or he wouldn’t let go.

After that night, I thought I was left with no more than mere photos to remind me of him when I was surprised with one of those original e-mails that you don’t read everyday:
“Hello Honey, boyfriend from Lisbon here – just to let you know that I’ve met that guy you met the other night and he seems like a pretty cool person. So anytime you feel you want to go out to movies with him; just so you know that it’s okay by me”

At first I was speechless! None of my friends had given him my number, e-mail or any other contact. He simply took it upon himself to find me on the net and get my e-mail address off my blog. Two points to the man, one for persistence the other for originality. After much deliberation, I felt he deserved some kind of response even though I had little intention of going out with him so I replied with:

“Hello boyfriend, didn´t realise you changed your e-mail addy. Yeah, I kinda thought that guy was pretty cute and sweet. Maybe I will consider hooking up with him one night, too bad I didn´t get his number”

The response consisted of nine digits.

I must’ve lost them when I changed phones. Truth is I can barely recall what I ate yesterday much less remember to call that guy I met three weeks ago. I guess I’d have to rely on destiny to run into him again…
I guessed wrong.... Waiting for me in my inbox was the following message:

“Hi, as are the terms in my contract of being a persistent guy, I just had to give it another shot at asking you out for coffee.”

And just to add the cherry on top of one unrelenting cake… he also gave me the address to a newly founded blog he wrote with his friend that kicked off with an entry called “Oops… I did it again” A piece dedicated to the best brush offs given by men and women. I ticked off the list, one by one realising that I gave the poor guy every brush off in the book. It was when I got to number seven that I realised that he wasn’t giving up so easily. Persistence, originality, intelligence, charm and pure determination… Some guys don’t come close to earning as much credits. So to this last e-mail I could only respond:


Sunday, July 10, 2005



Dedicated to my friends who think that I can´t know what they´re going through:

Angry to see myself this way, I curse the moistness that I find on my face.
This isn’t me… the strong woman that defies and challenges the world!
Where is she? I try to find her in the intense look in the mirror. She stares at me and simply breathes… it is all either of us can do at this moment.
I know that after the feelings are gone, she’ll be there to help me pick up the pieces and to pack away the emotions that will eventually freeze, neatly back in the safe.
Oh why did I ever allow the safe to be open!
The safe where fires burn and temperatures reach volcanic fevers.
Where was my mind when I unleashed that torrent of emotions that flowed and ebbed through my veins taking control of all rational thoughts?
Yes that’s it… I must’ve lost my mind, a moment of temporary insanity!
Oh sweet madness that took me to uncharted territory through caves of unspoken treasures and heights much higher above the clouds than I’ve ever dared to soar.
That filled my lungs with sweet air allowing me to take that first breath of liberated freedom.
That lunacy that intensified scents, accentuated colours and amplified the sounds of the world… how do I turn my back on this mirage? Is it a mirage? With you, I believe it’s real.
I knew it was always there, but I didn’t want to see…
Scared of the wild in me, the magic in my own touch that causes the rush over the edge, the heat past all boiling points and that brings out the hunter, the seductress and the domineering.
Can I handle all this? Can you?
To deny you… I no longer could. To turn away… my heart wouldn’t allow me.
So I opened the door to that safe and decided to face the consequences of things unknown, wild and untameable.
All I need is your consent, your hand, your courage to take up on this adventure with me.
For a solid moment, I was happy to feel free… unleashed from the chains I kept around my heart. Imagination took flight and I dared to dream the moments I’d always suppressed… because they were uncontrollable, intense and because I held them back for someone that deserved them.
Someone that’s not you… you’re not that someone I pictured to discover this with me.
But you did this… broke through the walls of friendship and touched my heart in places it wasn’t meant to be touched.
I grew wary of waiting for that someone and gave up on the final destination for the possibility of simply adventuring with you. How long or short the road may be doesn’t matters nor the actual destination where it leads us… all I long for is the journey with you.
But I fear that you’re going to push me off the edge whilst taking somebody else to that place I want to go.
I beg God and all the angels’ release me from this insanity…
Where were they when I needed to be held back from falling into you?
Where are they now? Where are you? Where am I?
I try to concentrate on the projects that I love and await my attention, but I’m stuck in this moment… this moment of vulnerability where I force myself to let go of all these feelings I’ve grown to love. Feeling the breath sucked out of me as I succumb to breathe the pollution of the real world. Too much air will make my lungs explode.
You’re not here and I’m left to figure things out on my own.
Telling myself that I’ll be okay, that tomorrow I will wake up strong and confident. Telling myself that when I see you again, I’ll see you through the eyes of someone who simply cares and knows no more than the warmth of friendship.
Asking myself to be brave, convincing myself that all this was no more than a dream and a phase on which I almost lost control…
Taking away the memory of your face, the scent of you and the sound of your voice… replacing them with my independent goals
Am I beginning to forget you already?... don’t remind me.
I don’t ever want to feel the way I feel today… unless you take it all the way, unless you take me to that place you made me see and stay with me to play with the Phoenix’s that guard and protect souls from falling back to reality.
Don’t guide me there… take me with you.
I want to be your addiction, not your charity case.
Picking myself off the floor and turning on the cold shower… I take a deep breath.
I will close that door…
It wasn’t meant to be opened and your place will once again be on the outside.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Somebody Hold Me Back!!!

Somebody Hold Me Back!!!

I hate suppressing how I feel. I simply detest, loathe and despise holding back… It’s like squeezing a straight jacket around your spirit and demanding it to shrink.

But we can’t always express our emotions, and holding back becomes one of the essential virtues that go hand in hand with prudence and patience, and hence they key factors to maturity.

Those moments when I want to slam my foot, yell, shout and slap someone when the desire calls for it, are those that require most of my self-control. Self-control was one of those life lessons that took a little longer for someone like me to learn…
Controlling the basic desire to act upon my emotions is the equivalency of nailing myself to a wall with a gag on!
However, even though the battle with patience continues…with time I adopted the best hold-back-before-I-explode technique that works for me. It’s quite simple really, involving the procedure of counting to ten, taking a deep breath and then attacking with a diplomatic dose of intelligent argument.
Think quick – speak slowly and do it with a smile!
This technique brings about immense satisfaction when the opposing party is left speechless; however, there are always those opponents with more patience and experience than you (and a hell of a lot more stubborn!)… This very technique will backfire on someone like my boss who will either manipulate you in circles until you’re too confused to argue or exhaust you into submission! In these cases, I weigh my losses and often am forced to resort a cease-fire until I can figure out a way to make him see the light!

Everyday, sometimes all day… you’re forced to deal with people who push, pressure and squeeze your patience to the last drop. Those rude people who push in front of you in supermarket queues, those demanding clients that throw fits if you don’t attend to their needs immediately or even that friend that has once again called to talk about himself for half an hour. By the end of the day, most of us are beaten from the raw exertion of holding back our exact thoughts and emotions throughout the day.
Tense shoulders, throbbing headache and the desire to beat the living daylights out of a punching bag… all the makings of a foul mood… exhaustion reminded me that it hadn’t been an easy day and my sore body begged to drop down on my bed.

Staring at my front door whilst sliding in the key… I smiled to myself and decided to choose another emotion!!!

Strawberry bubble bath… cures all body aches leaving skin smooth and sweet smelling. If that isn’t delicious enough try adding Candles all over the bathroom while listening to Sting and sinking down in that warm water that makes you forget the reasons that got you frustrated in the first place…

Don’t anybody dare hold me back!!!!
When I’m singing in the bathtub, passing the soap over the contours of my body, in between my toes or at that moment when I can examine my face in the mirror to a candle lit background. There’s no way in hell I’m suppressing that tune in my voice, that intense moment as I sing into my toothbrush and declare my undying love to my shower curtain. That’s right… I allow my imagination and free will to take over as I dance around in my towel and ask my cupboard for advice on which underwear I should wear… This is of course two seconds before hitting an A minor with Alicia Key’s “If I ain´t got you”

Somebody hold me back!!!... Before the neighbours sign a petition to evict me!!!

If serenity comes from learning to channel your energies then it means that no emotion really gets lost or suppressed, it is simply expressed in a different way or postponed for another time.
No one can teach when to hold back your emotions or when to express them freely.
It takes practise and the wisdom of a mind that can think of the consequences before acting upon impulses.
Stubborn, opinionated and highly emotive, I recognise that some of the attributes that make up Sunshine don’t always make for the best of my behaviour.
Patience was never my best virtue.
Experience has taught me that the world, people and the moment isn’t always prepared for my thoughts or feelings… and so I often myself seeking the patience to hold my energy for the right moment… And hence the everlasting battle with time!
But when that moment does come around…

Don’t let anyone hold you back! Your true abilities and talents are discovered when you press your limits, dance on the edge and simply dare to cut loose and be yourself.
Lately I’ve been pondering that learning to free your desires is as important, if not more, than learning to suppress them!
You’re free to be happy and to be the person you want to be, at those moments that your heart and soul know to simply let go and express who you are.
And should you be caught in that web that forces you to be polite when the desire is to choke the moron causing the twitching in your temples… count to ten ,and take a deep breath and remember that half the fun is not surrendering control of your good senses!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

I am Woman

I am Woman
I love being a woman.
For the simple fact that I can walk away from pain. Shedding hurt like a battered skin and walking away with rejuvenated strength much tougher than ever before.
I love being a woman
I woke up this morning and breathed. I didn’t have to give myself a speech, tell myself to get out of bed or even search for my strength… it was simply there, with me, under the covers, waiting for me to conjure it.
I simply love being a woman.
Taking time choosing my clothes, feeling the soft material against my body, brushing my hair slowly and applying my make up with care; I looked in the mirror and chose to bring out the tough woman in me. That woman that takes on the world, which faces all obstacles and still feels sexy while doing it.
I love the things that make me feel like a woman.
For the fact that I can feel absolutely powerful when I wear those secret underwear, those high-heeled shoes or those secret stockings attached to a garter belt only known to me.
I thrive in the pure passion of being a woman.
When I feel the strength in me fading, this heroine, this woman comes to me with absolute confidence. She heals my heart with the sweetest words and gives strength to my soul. I therefore give full order to the woman in me.
I allowed her to take control of my senses, dominate my energies and reign supreme… this woman, this courageous and strong being that keeps me afloat after every storm is more than just my heroine, she’s the very essence of who I am.
I love the sensations and emotions that make up the woman in me.
This creature with insatiable imagination, soft silk touch and as strong as leather… carries within her endless love, fiery passion, sharp instincts, uncontrollable desires and the ability to paint life in all the colours of the rainbow.
Part loving, part passion, part motherly, part friend… peel off my layers and you will find right at the core…
….the woman in me.