Sunday, December 31, 2006

Bring on the New Year!

Photosource: Sunshine

It's early but I already have a glass of wine in my hand; this year I can't wait to drown the “old man”…
I wish you could see the way the sun sparkles silver on top of the ocean’s blue surface… in the harbour seven ships are docked and ready for the evening’s big event and all around you can feel the energy of excitement bustling from every home.
The sky is clear blue, there isn't a cloud in sight and I contemplate, as I do every year… the year that I'm about to leave behind.

It's been a tough year…
There have been good moments but too few to remember;
This year, I long to leave the old year behind.
I didn't achieve half of the goals I set out for 2006; yet I feel that I got more out of it that I was expecting.
I grew, I matured and I'm a richer person for it.
Looking back, I find a different person to the person I was, a year ago;
It's amazing the difference a year can have on a person…

This year my resolutions are different and I honestly haven't figured out whether this year’s decision is a step back or a step forward.
While some call it quitting, giving up or letting go…
Others considering the maturity of knowing when to settle…
Don't ask me… because I'm not sure; all I know is that I've made the decision.
I'm coming home…
Back to the island which I considered my cage and now see as my haven.
Whether an act of wisdom or an act of stupidity, it´s my decision and I refuse anyone´s opinion... the consequences are mine to bear and therefore I dispense outside influence.

On the only night of the year where I eat raisons… 12 to be exact, I'm going to ask fate for something different this year…
For 2007 all I want is peace of mind... good music and a lot of dancing!
All I want to remember of 2006 are the people that made my heart smile and the year bearable.

The sun is setting... and with it the last light of 2006.
I'm grateful for my laptop and digital camera that allows me to share my last sunset of 2006 with all of you.
For all the people I most care about; I wish a year of Joy, Laughs, Smiles and above all lots of Love!...
Be happy people… if you're happy, I'm happy too.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Missing in Action...

Photosource: Bernard Mitchell

Last week as I waited to talk to one of my colleague’s, I overheard her phone conversation with her daughter.
Her daughter had never missed a swimming lesson since a young child and for the first time wanted to stay home because some boy had called her fat.

I listened with my heart in throat as her mother told her the words I never got to hear;
She told her that she should face up to the boy, face up to her problems; explaining that she's as beautiful as she is and should not allow someone else to make her feel bad about herself and take her away from what she loved most to do.

I had to literally hold back the tears and the impulse to hug that woman and thank her for merely understanding her daughter... I'd like to do the same for my own daughter one day.

Today was Christmas and the house was so full you could barely move… there were laughs, jokes, smiles and plenty of memories replayed.
There couldn't be a happier moment and yet, I had the nagging feeling that something was missing…
Something that's always missing…
That's never there when I need her the most.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Worth Losing Sleep Over...

How many all nighters can you handle in a row?

After the company Christmas party where I danced non-stop all night right through to the morning where the only pitstop was the shower before getting into work; the only image I had in my mind consisted of a bed and a soft pillow…

But then I got that call that told me I would get no sleep…
“I´m in Lisbon, as soon as you get your but out of work we´re going out!”
I managed to convince my buddy that I only had enough energy to last me until dinner but I surprised even myself…

Herman José´s Café Café in Alcântara…
I strongly recommend it!
The food is great and the prices are relatively low.
It felt good to live in the moment with two of my amazing friends.
The mood was so inspiring that we decided to draw up a list of the things we want to accomplish for the year 2007…
The list is meant to be common for the three of us, so before 2007 is through these are the goals we will strive to achieve:

1. Share a romantic bubble bath with someone special (S)
2. Find a soulmate (P)
3. Have dinner at the same place, around the same time with the same friends and their significant other (R)
4. Steal a kiss (S)
5. Convince Sunshine to go back to Madeira (P)
6. See Patricia Chapparinho´s singing carreer skyrocket (R)
7. Be responsible for a successful matchmake! (S)
8. Learn a new type of dance (P)
9. Reach our Professional goals (R)
10. Have a steamy night someplace we´ve never been before (And if possible with a position that hasn´t been tried yet) (P&S&R)

Hell… it´s a demanding list but they´re goals worth fighting for… i´ll be happy just to attain one… any one of them!

We sat between a hen and a Christmas party and once dinner was over, the entertainment began!
And the energy was such that I completely forgot how tired I was!

There are people that should be sued for attempting it!
Luckily it´s one of the things I don´t suck at so much…
Saving all my Love for You – Whitney Housten.
I like the memory we created to associate with this song better the first one I had before.
I sang with my heart but it was my buddy´s voice that sang with me that allowed for a powerful and vibrating performance!
(better than on my regular performances in the shower)

We danced…
Never mind the fact that I´d spent the whole night before dancing without any sleep in between…
The way I see it… Dancing is like sex!
The rhythm is like foreplay…
Once you´re in the mood you can´t deny your body from moving!
The energy in the room was simply contagious!
Even the lady in the Father Christmas suit danced…
She was old enough to be my grandmother but she sure knew how to move it on top of a chair!

Thank God and Pirex for that Herbalife energy thingy!... It got me through the night! But after almost two straight nights without sleeping… I couldn´t wait to end the party in club duvet with the sheets are my partners and the blanket as the deejay!

When I finally did lay my head down on my pillow, I did so with a sigh and a smile of pure joy and contentment…

Turn Around?

Photosource: Getty Images
There are times you want to turn around…
Turn Back…
To say Hello…
To say Goodbye…
To explain…
To put in the effort…

But then you stop and think to yourself: “Fuck it!”

I grow tired of “fixing” things…
Perhaps they´re meant to stay broken.
Why waste energy to try and fix things with someone who doesn´t need it…
Doesn´t want it…

It takes the will of two to make things right.

Should the universe forgive us our for our pride then destiny will make sure we have other moments.

Reiki After Affects - 1 Week

Photosource: Unknown

What has Reiki done for me within 7 days?
I could argue that I simply had a particularly good week….
That all the good things that happened just happened as life does!... BUT

I don´t believe in coincidences and I don´t believe in chance and therefore I consider the following side affects of the week to have been attracted to my life due to the Reiki i´ve been practising.:

Warm Hands: I don´t even have to focus energy into my hands, it´s just constantly there these days…

Touch: Everything, everyone… I walk around with the constant desire to make that connection…

I´m more conscious of my breathing… in fact i´m more conscious of everything around me. It´s as if a half of my soul returned from the future and the other half from the past in order to focus completely on the present…

These days…
Talking comes easier…
Smiling comes easier…
Laughing comes easier…
Even walking feels easier!

Everyone i´ve spoken to this week suddenly remembered something positive or happy to tell me and even those that are sad seem hopeful.

I was given a sparkly green heart with pink marshmallows for having spoken my mind…
I was told that I was missed…
And today when I arrived at work exhausted from last night´s exertions…
(Dancing!… Company Xmas party! :P )
…I was given a shoulder rub and one of those stimulant drinks that are ten times more effective than coffee…
Somebody´s made me feel special! :)

But the best side affect of all…
The one that will keep me practicing Reiki until i´m old and grey…
Are all the hugs and kisses!!!!!!! Lots of them! Hehehe.
As if suddenly I became a magnet and that the most natural reaction a person can give me is either a hug or a kiss… or both!
I was pampered with the kind of hugs that leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy after a heartfelt embrace. The feel-good kind!
And then there were the kisses…
And I don´t mean that Mwah Mwah, here´s a kissy for you…
I mean spontaenous kisses…
…kisses involving lips….
…loaded with TLC (Tender Loving Care)!!!!
I was charmed with the kisses I got on the back of my hand and I felt the heat left from the kisses that landed on my cheeks but it was that unexpected kiss that really put the cherry on the top of my week…
I couldn´t contain a huge smile of pure joy when a certain someone took a deep breath of my hair and decided to plant a kiss right there on my head, between my mass of curls.
I´d never been kissed there before… but I like it!
I like it a lot!
So much so that i´m considering throwing away my hairdryer and sticking to curly!
I could get very used to those kind of kisses!... Bring ´em on!
I feel so loved! :)

The universe must be compensating for all kisses I haven´t been getting!
Sadly, the lip service didn´t reach my lips…
But hey… i´m not complaining… as far as i´m concerned the universe can keep compensating with those kisses that say “I really digs you!”

It just goes to show you that one good thing attracts another and if you take care of your garden (attitude & energy) then the butterflies (hugs & kisses!) come to you!!!

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Reiki (Hands on Healing)

Photosource: Unknown

In two of the most intense days of my life, I was taught and retaught the art of Reiki. For those of you who don’t know what it is, I strongly suggest some research on the subject.

It isn’t a religion… It isn’t a cult or an esoteric practice…
It’s a science that any and all can do.

I call it the art of connecting to the universe’s energy source in order to heal your own.
And if you so choose to be a channel of that energy… you can heal just about anyone.
It's isn't about curing diseases though that could be one of the side affects… it’s about fixing the energy that surrounds a person.

Energy… everything in the world is made of it including the human being. If you keep that concept in mind, Reiki becomes an easy concept to grasp.
Consider the way you’re influenced by your surroundings. How many times have you been influenced by the energy surrounding you?
The atmosphere of a certain place?
Or the mood of the person near to you?
If you consider that the energy you step into influences your own then it’s easier to accept that you too can influence your own energy.
If that is true than why do we have so much trouble staying positive and are prone to “bad phases”… it’s the unconscious programming and Reiki teaches you how to reprogram your thoughts… your own energy.

“If you want to change the world, change yourself”

If you consider that life is a question of perspective, then how you choose to look at it plays a big role on how it will influence you.
Quit using negatives… Never… No… won’t… can’t… don’t…
Easier said than done… most difficult is to take consciousness of our own programming errors.

“Taking consciousness is the hardest part, once you’ve gotten that part right, the rest becomes easier”…

Program your own mind… Feel your body… Get in touch with your soul… Listen with your heart… Set your spirit Free.

What I loved most about this course, besides the group, the energy, the lessons and the cute teacher… was that the concepts were of the most basic.
No mambo jumbo…
No “take my Word for it, believe and have faith”
I was explained the basics and the science behind the practice.
Reiki makes sense if you research the theory behind it..

Not being a complete novice to the energy theorem, there were things I was merely retaught. However, I learnt certain things that readjusted my perspective hence changing drastically my vision on my life. What I learnt made all the difference:

According to Reiki, we have four types of baggage:
Recent Baggage: The stuff that happened not too long ago that we’re still working through (until maybe two or three years before the current date)
Adolescent Baggage: The traumas of puberty
Childhood Baggage: The traumas and bad programming during childhood
Genetic Baggage: The stuff you inherit from birth, and for those who so believe… the Baggage from other lives.

The older the Baggage… the harder to deal and work through. And the crappy thing about this kind of Baggage is that it sits in the centre of your soul like the eye of a thick onion… you can’t get to it without working through the other layers of simpler baggage.

To me this wasn’t a new concept, what was added to this concept is what brought tears to my eyes…
Doesn’t it piss you off when an issue you thought you dealt with comes back to haunt you? Guilt and an overwhelming sense of frustration invades you as you blame yourself to letting something you supposedly dealt with, bother you again.
Feelings of weakness and failure… not only do you have to deal with the issue again but the fact that you’re once again dealing with it, becomes an additional issue.

I fought to suppress the tears as my teacher told me that the fact that I deal with the same issue twice or more doesn’t mean I failed the first time around.
The fact is that certain issues go deep and affect you in different ways. In one phase of life it may affect you in a certain way; you deal with it and then move on.
At another stage of your life it may attack you again… for a different reason, from a different angle and you’re forced to once again work through it.
The most flagrant example I can think of is death:
Someone dies and you work through to get over it and you do. Two years later you may cross someone that reminds you of the deceased, or someone else dies, or something happens in your life that involves them and suddenly their death attacks you again from a different angle… you’re forced to deal with something you’d worked through before.

What I loved most about our teacher… besides the warmth and light that radiated from him… was the simplicity and humanity about him.
Here’s someone who isn’t sitting on an unattainable high stool. Instead he was someone I could easily have coffee with, talk with and share daily challenges.
“We’re only human, forgive who you were yesterday. Accept who you are today and know that you can and will do better tomorrow”
It makes the process of self-enlightenment easier… with less pressure upon yourself.

I could tell you about chakras, breathing, meditation, energy flow and articulations but it’s something that research will teach you better than I can…
If you press on the title or if you search on the links, you’ll find the source of the path that’s brought me to this entry. If I could I’d teach the world Reiki, I’d teach everyone to heal themselves and the people around them and convince each and every individual to take the course that I did.
Ask me… I’ll share with you everything I know.

Reiki – The art of synchronizing with the universe’s energy in order to heal your own…. Heal others… and even make a difference in your surroundings… in the world.
It takes more than mind… it takes heart… it takes soul… and it takes trust…
I’m working on the latter.

Reiki won't keep you from falling… you will fall… its part of working through the onion layers. Reiki just makes the healing process a hell of a lot easier.

Does it really work?
I’ll let you know the differences felt after 21 days… (Self Therapy)
However if you ever felt the mystical power of a heartfelt hug then Reiki is only another form of transmitting the love and care that it takes to make someone else heal.

I strongly recommend it and I appreciate volunteers in which to practice on!
Call me up... we can book a session!

Azucar & Salsa (Aveiro)

Photosource: Maggie Heinzel-Neel

The sound assaults you…
The rhythm takes you over…
Your heart tunes into the frequency of the music…
You soul synchronizes to the beat.
Hips sway…
The body becomes part of each instrument playing…
It moves…
It steps up to each beat…
You surrender to the music
The music takes you over and keeps you on the edge…
The edge of self-control where you take consciousness of every move you make and the fact that it is a product of the song… a consequence of the rhythm.
You let go to the spirit within… as if it were an orgasm.

It’s better when it involves two…

The challenge…
To listen to your partners body…
To feel how it moves, to move in sync to him…
To let yourself be lead… but not taken.
Step to… step from…
The challenge…
To push one another to the edge… to keep each other from falling.
It takes trust… it takes courage… heat… rhythm…
It takes heart.

I dared…
He dared…
We pushed onto the edge…
And when he spun me around… I knew my limit would be two sequential turns…
The challenge… one more?
Do I risk falling to the floor?
At two I knew that I could still control the stop…
I dared to trust…
I spun a third time…
I spun a fourth… certain that I’d see the floor…
What the hell… a bruise wouldn’t kill me…
Satisfaction of the risk would compensate…

But just as I expected my body to connect with the floor…
I was caught…
I was held…
I didn’t slip…
I didn’t fall…
We made it… in a sexy final pose that justified the trust I invested in my partner.

God I love dancing!!!
Take me again and again and again and again and again…
I can live without sex… but don’t take me away from dancing!

Monday, December 04, 2006

I Surrender?!

Photosource: Unknown

Is throwing in the towel such a bad move?

As I sat through a meeting today listening to someone who doesn’t know me, discuss my future as well as the future of my colleagues a pertinent question went through my mind:
“What the hell am I doing here?”

I realised the question wasn’t in purpose of the place or discussion taking place and instead was the question one asks herself after a year has passed after a big change.
I didn’t reach half the goals I set out for myself and both my career as well as my studying future looks pretty shaky.
The unknown doesn’t scare me nor do I lack the strength to keep on fighting.
I have what it takes; the strength, the courage and the resilience…
However, as I reevaluate my reasons for being here, I surprise myself with the question:
Are they really worth it?

Yesterday I knew for sure, today I’m not so certain.
The fact that I can’t give myself any guarantees suddenly begins to bear weight where once it was no more than a consequence of a risk I was willing to take.

Reach for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll land in between the stars. (One of my favourite quotes!)

On the darkest of nights, I remind myself of this saying and yet, I can’t seem to see any stars in the path I’m following.
So maybe I should turn back and learn to give more value to the stars I already have… or should I keep believing in the stars I can’t yet see?
Are they really there?... or are they a mere fiction of my imagination?
I’m not a quitter but do I have the good sense to know when to let go?

Blind Faith is starting to lose its effect on me.
Though it isn’t a loss of faith, but a loss in the meaning behind the reasons in which I invested all my energy.
Being positively inclined by nature, it feels strange to contemplate giving up… perhaps I should see giving up as taking a step forward.

For a whole year I’ve yearned for stability, for direction and the one thing I’ve been fighting against the most seems to the inevitable choice: Change.
Change is the only guarantee life gives though for some of us it’s more than a consequence: it’s a choice.
I’m tired of choosing change.
I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, with a bit of luck my changes become clearer and this time around I can say that change chose me…
Is it time to pack my bags already?

I’m still not certain… all I know is that to stay… I need stronger reasons that I don’t possess…
Maybe that’s all the reason I need.

Friday, December 01, 2006

How to tell if he feels the same...

Photosource: Unknown

Ever gotten that butterfly feeling in your stomach each time a certain someone walks past you? After a while, when you realize you can’t quite shake that feeling you ask yourself the big question. What are the chances he’s feeling it too?

They call it. "The game"... and I particularly suck at it!
As far as I’m concerned, the whole cat and mouse thing is only fun when you know what you can count on, otherwise it’s just frustrating.
Patience is definitely not one of my virtues (don’t argue with me people... it isn’t!)
And therefore when that certain question arises "Does he or doesn’t he?"
I have to know.
Otherwise it keeps you up at hours which you should be sleeping!

So now that we’ve decided to cut-the-bullshit, let’s find out if the other side is listening to the same song; the big question becomes:

There was a certain guy I had a terrible crush on in high school which I never found the courage to tell him I liked him. The whole school seemed to know except for him.
Years later when I finally confessed, I was bummed to discover that the feelings were mutual and had I done something about them, my love life back then would’ve been more eventful.
This taught me a very important lesson: feelings are a gamble; if you risk it you at least have a chance of making a dream come true.

I was one of the gutsiest girls on the playground. I beat up the boys when we played kissing catches and I was the girl who could be found racing bikes, getting dirty and looking for crabs or tadpoles in the river with the boys.
I stood up to the meanest teacher in the school and I stood up to my very first boss. I’m courageous and I stand up for what I believe it, but when it comes to feelings, I’m as chicken as they come.
So after lesson number one, I had to find a way to let the guy know I was interested without dying of embarrassment. And hence I opted for writing "the" letter.
In first grade I recall getting a letter with the question "I like you, do you like me?" and a yes or no box I had to tick.
Instead of using that intelligent technique invented by a seven year old, I decided to write to the object of my affection a detailed essay of how I felt about him.
Needless to say, the results were devastating! Not only did he not share the sentiment, he decided to share my sentiment with everyone else!... He might as well photocopied the letter and pinned it on the walls so that people could throw darts at it.
Lesson number two: don’t put in writing what can and will be used against you.

After that I realized I have no other choice but to say the words but seeing as I’m such a chicken, I decided there had to be a simpler way of telling someone how you feel without melting in front of them:
The telephone!!!
And this time. the news was positive: he liked me back!
What saddened me was that later on, I had no facial expression to remember the beginning by.
Sadly, I discovered that the feeling only existed in either writing or over the phone.
When we were together there was very little we had to say to each other.
The break up was also inevitably: over the phone.

If you want to tell someone how you feel, you do it face to face.
And because it’s so damned hard, you take three shots of Tequila and your best friend in the background for back up.
The great thing about Tequila is that you feel great even after the rejection and that you manage to laugh in between sobs while your best friend comforts you through the rest of the night in one the club’s bathroom cubicles. (Thanks Buds, I’ll never forget the support or the hangover!)

You have to be sober.
So much so that you actually feel drunk by the lack of equilibrium your body suffers.
Your throat dries and your body shakes and you search that other person’s eyes for that look of insurance that tells you that everything is going to be alright.
Did I do it? Did I finally say the words?
Hell no!!!
They got stuck in my throat so tight that I could hardly breathe!
Ladies and Germs, I’ve pulled off a lot of difficult stunts in my life but this was by far the hardest.
But I just had to know... and so...
Deciding that if the feeling was mutual, he’d lean in towards me; I decided to lean in slow (with adrenalin, the anticipation is quite excruciating) as I hoped for the moment in which his lips met mine letting me know as Cher did that the feeling was in fact reciprocated "In his kiss"

It wasn’t.

I learnt that when a man cares for you, he comes after you. Women aren’t supposed to make the first move: so I’ve been told time and time again by women who are far more successful at relationships than I am. And so, we women are meant to wait and see what happens.
In which case... I’d go nuts, sorry mom; I’m just not cut out for this game.
I expect you all to come visit me in the convent! I hear there’s a good one some where in the middle of nowhere, Arrábida right?

I believe in dancing, I don’t mind making the first move as long as the moves are being made with me. I don’t regret my decisions, even when they end in tears.
Will I declare again?... I sure as hell hope not!... At least not anytime soon!
I have better plans for becoming a nun...
But I do know that I want to continue being the kind of person that faces my fears.

In that last case, I didn’t hear much after the "No" (Thank God that I got a straight answer: nothing worse than a "maybe" or a "I’ll think about it" - Yeesh!)
But I do recall being asked "Did I mislead you into believing I felt the same?"
At that stage I was too busy praying to disappear or disintegrate to finish a proper response but if I had the chance to go back and answer him I would have said:
"The eyes only see what the heart wants to see… and so when we care about someone, we take their every sweet gesture as a sign that something bigger might grow from there.
I could point out words, conversations and moments that I might have misinterpreted but what lead me to believe that you may feel the same way didn´t come from something I could point out.
It was the look I found in your eyes that drew me into believing that the magic I was feeling was staring back at me.
I guess I was wrong:
It must’ve been only a mirror of what I was feeling."

I strongly believe that what you feel is worth fighting for… truly fighting for and no amount of heartbreak will change my point of view.
This particular entry was inspired by someone who has spent two years caring about someone else who hasn’t assumed the commitment.
To him I say even knowing so very little or nothing about the story:
Fight… push her against the wall and kiss her. Grab her by the wrists and force her to look at you in the eyes and tell you how she feels.
It’s so easy to run from words, but you can’t deny the truth found in the eyes and in a kiss.
There are no maybes in the heat of the moment and if she truly feels the way you say she feels… she’ll surrender, she’ll commit to what she feels.

Worse than a "No" is not knowing for sure... the anticipation; the frustration of not having that person in your arms.

As for me… Analyzing my track record; I’ve decided to invest in a rosary this Christmas!