Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Which Way?!!

After checking all available transportation routes, I mapped out the best route to my destination and hoped that I wouldn’t take any wrong turns or turn offs.
Grabbing my weekend bag and my cellphone, I set off on my journey and went to wait for my bus on Avenida da Liberdade.
That’s when it happened for the first time that day.
A Brazilian gentleman asked me if the next bus would get him to Baixa do Chiado. I smiled and cleared his doubts telling him that I was going in the same direction.
Once I was on the bus, I let the gentlemen have the only open seat and went to middle where I could stand next to the window.
As I looked out at Campo Pequeno, three ladies oohed and aahed in the same direction as I was staring at.
I gave them my sweetest smile as I realized by their accent that the ladies were American tourists. It was the all the opening they needed to begin asking me questions.
After giving them the few facts that I knew about the city, they surprised me by complimenting me as an efficient tour guide. I let them know they were in the wrong bus to their desired destination but suggested they change their route to a visit to Alfama considering that they were looking to get a more soulful experience of the city.
I smiled to the Brazilian gentleman who got off in front of the Praça Dom Pedro and then directed the three American ladies to Electric that would take them to Alfama from Praça do Comércio.
Doing my good deeds for the day I smiled as I made my way to the train station in Cais do Sodré. Whilst buying my ticket, I was startled by a tug in the arm and panicked… until I realized that it wasn’t a mugger and instead a skinny teenager who looked anything by threatening.
Looking insecure and lost she asked me which train would go to Cascais, I smiled and told her that I was headed in the same direction and pointed at the third line. Grateful, she smiled back at me and followed me into the train, taking her seat beside me.
As the train began moving, I began pondering about my role as guide and was shocked when a lady jumped quickly on board in Algés and asked me if this train was to pass through Carcavelos. Shaking off the amusement that once again I had been picked as the guide, I double checked the route above the door and nodded with a smile.
I was rewarded with my fourth smile of gratitude (sixth if you consider that there were three American ladies)

I sighed as I looked out the window and stared at the reflexes that the afternoon sun had on the Tejo River. It occurred me with a certain amount of relieve that I’m not the only one who’s lost in Lisbon and that everyone is on their way somewhere. I spent the rest of the journey imagining the destination of the rest of the passengers.
Were they going to work?
Were they going home?
Perhaps they were going to visit a sick friend… or meeting the love of their lives!... one thing was for sure… most of them were going to be in front of a television watching the soccer game between Portugal and Netherlands within the following half hour!

Getting off the train, I wasn’t expecting anymore guide requests but as I made my way towards the exit I froze with disbelief when once again I was grabbed by the arm. A good looking guy with glasses that gave him an intelligent and sexy look flashed a mouthful of pearly whites and asked me if I knew where he could grab a cab.
How should I know?!
I bit my bottom lip and turned on my heel until I saw the yellow machine that was paid to take you anywhere and then spotted the nearest exit towards it. Just as he was about to leave, I couldn’t resist asking him why he’d picked me to ask for directions.
He just shrugged his shoulders and told me that I looked like someone who knew where she was going.

I laughed at the irony of his answer especially when I realized that I’d gotten off on the wrong side of the terminal.

We don´t always know where we´re going or where we´re headed and yet there are those that believe in us; that have faith in our sense of direction and trust us to point out the way.


So this is it.
I considered taking a photo and bringing it back with me as a souvenir but then I remembered that regardless of the wonderful day I was having, it would only remind me of that which hurts… the link, the source which provided me with its name.
A town so enchanting that it makes you want to get out the car to walk up and down its streets. A place where people smile at you and the air alone makes you feel welcome.
I felt miserable.
Even the ice cream I ate provided none of the usual comforting pleasure. I sat watching the ocean crash angrily on the rocks ahead of me and I felt the spray of sea salt cool on my skin - as if compare with the ice cold of my spirits.
Not bothering to try and cheer myself up, I realized that there were places and things in life that were going to hurt no matter which way you choose to look at them.
Looking out into the horizon I pushed back the past and wondered about the future. Life rarely works out the way I plan and on the way I lost so much trust.
In others… in myself…
I’m working on it though, and I’ve been able to mend, repair and recover some of which was lost… maybe these moments are meant to remind me of how far I’ve come.
I watched the sunset with the friends that had brought me there. Neither were the friend I’d imagined would show me this beautiful place but they were exactly the people whom were meant to bring me here… that’s destiny.
Do the regrets it reminds me of really matter?
They don’t make the place less beautiful and I’d have to be a fool to allow them to cloud my sight to its beauty and charm. Where and Who I am is far more important than who or where I’d thought I’d be.
As we left the city limits towards Sobreiro and onto Mafra it once again occurred to me how unimportant the destination is in life… The destination is as good as whom you’re traveling with and who is going to share it with you. Give less importance to where you’re going and more value to the journey itself.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Go Ahead... Ask Me!

What do you ask a person when you want to get to know them? A good start is to begin with their name but then what? Do you ask them their age, their occupation, where they went to school and who their friends are?
What information do you need to know in order to conclude that you know a person?

A good friend once taught me that we only know what others are willing to show and share with us (Thanks Xcytex… four years later, it’s still good philosophy!)
And if you’re willing to agree with my friend and I; I once again ask you:
What must a person tell you so what you feel that you truly know them?

I read somewhere that there are no wrong answers… just wrong questions. If you haven’t found the answer you were looking for maybe it’s because you’re asking the wrong questions. Any journalist or detective will tell you that the quality in the information you obtain depends on how effective your questions are.

To ask the right questions… it’s an art only perfected with practice.

Ask not the questions that are answered by the mind, ask instead the questions directed at the soul. To do so is to discover the man behind his intellect.

How does it feel when you do something good?
What do you see when you close your eyes?
How do you like to be taught new things?
Where do you feel most at home?
Who inspires you… what inspires you?
Define freedom in your perspective?
When are you scared?
What is the craziest thing you ever done?
Where is your favourite place to fall asleep?
If you could choose, what would your superpower be?

What makes you tick?... it’s the question behind all the above.
Because we need to know…
To understand the person inside a body whose physical features can only mirror expression of emotions, but not define the reason behind it.
Because we seek to get closer…
To take in and be a part of…
To connect with another soul is to break the confinements of our own skins.

Two neihbours lived separated by a river and they would wave at each other from afar. They never knew each other’s names because neither ever bothered to get into a boat and row to the other side. To do so would to define them as friends.
When the one died, the other went to his funeral. He had always considered his neihbour anti-social. Beside the fact that he had never came to visit, he wouldn’t wave unless he was waved to. Only then did it occur to him that he had never attempted to visit his neihbour and that perhaps if he’d started crossing the river, his neihbour might’ve met him half way.

Which is your favourite song of all time?
Who do you call when you’re in trouble?
By which phrase do you live by?
What is the best smell on earth?
What can make a difference?
How well do I know you?
How well do you think you know me?

In November it will be five years in which I was hired for a job that wasn’t earned by my credentials, diplomas or experience (none of which I had). It wasn’t by what was written on my poorly translated CV nor had anyone put in a word for me. A few years later, I was shocked to find out that the very answer that I thought had screwed up my interview had in fact earned me the job. What was it?
After asking me for the third time if I thought I was cut out for the job, I answered that I hadn’t packed my bags, leaving everything I know and love and crossed an ocean to fail so if I wasn’t to be a success in his company, then I’d be a success in some other company.

This goes to prove that the answers you seek lie in the questions you ask… Be attentive to what you hear and what you don’t. The first step to wisdom is to be quiet, the second is to listen (Thanks for the contribute couz!)

Most importantly, in doubt or lack of understanding… don’t jump to conclusions:

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

How does it feel?

How does it feel?
To do something good?
How does it make you feel?

Like a four year old tasting ice-cream for the first time…
Like rain on a hot summer’s day…
Like skinny dipping in a crystal clear pool…
Like jumping off the edge…
Like take flight…
Like singing at the top of my lungs…
Like dancing…
Like falling in love.
Pure Joy!

To be heartbroken is to shadow the light of happiness.
Your smile won’t reach your heart.
The sparkle won’t reach your eyes.
To hurt is to lose what comes naturally to children in each smile and expression of utter glee!

“To feel as light as a feather, to soar above all things with the vision of a bird that looks from up high”

To smile and feel it deep inside your soul…
To make someone smile… to make someone laugh…
It will amplify inside until you feel like your heart will burst with so much joy.
With a kind word, with the smallest gesture…
We hold the power to make every other person happy,
And it turn be happy as well.

Happiness is measures in how happy people are because of you!

And yet, in an age where information is available to all; where emotional intelligence is forwarded by e-mails and shared by friends, we´ve never been so selfish and self-centred.
The human being is truly a strange creature.
We surround ourselves with the things which we think buying will make us happy, we pin the blame on others and then we wonder why we´re so alone.
The people who need our love are those that least deserve it,
Success can be a very lonely place if you have no one to share what you have and know.
And to risk getting stabbed in the back,
To risk being used,
And to risk having your heart broken…

It is to risk being deliriously happy!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Me, Myself & I -The Marriage!

First and Foremost i´d like to thank IceVsFire that managed to beautifully design this picture of my soul... thanks honey, I´d say that if this isn´t exactly what it looks like, then it´s pretty close!
Today I dragged my lazy bum out of bed and had a meaningful conversation with my mirror that involved plenty of Oh-my-God’s accompanied with I-wish’s and emphasized with deep sighs.
After I got off my pity potty, I decided to take a shower and take me out on date!
Damn right!
A gorgeous butterfly like me shouldn’t waddle at home on her day off! Who ever heard of keeping the Sunshine indoors?

First we had to decide which beach to go… We’d done Oeiras already so it was time we adventure to some place new!
After questioning the cutie pie that sold bus tickets, we found out where to catch the desired bus and made our way down to Praça de Espanha.
On the way, we had a serious conversation!

Me and I, I and me!
I decided that the abuse couldn’t go on and if our relationship was going to work; I would just have to stop being so critical of me who in turn had to start being more caring!
As it turns out, we’d been going through a difficult time and stupidly shut each other out!
And that’s how we found it! – Self love.
Isn’t it amazing that no matter how bad I treat myself, I’m always prepared to forgive? Forgiving and loving… from now on I’m going to treat myself better!
Getting onto the bus, we spoke about the things that had brought down our relationship:
But worst of all was Fear!
Fear of loss; Fear of Failure and Fear of Ourselves.

“You screwed up again!”
“No way in hell can you accomplish that!”
“You’ll never be good enough!”
“Damn you’re ugly; no wonder he looks at her instead!”
If I spoke to my friends the way I speak to myself, I reckon I’d end up completely alone!
The idea is not to change my attitude towards others, it’s the attitude towards myself that needs improving! To love oneself isn’t arrogance; it’s humility due to the fact that you learn to accept and love yourself for the good and the bad that you are. Only when you accept your weaknesses, can you help yourself overcome them.

I got off the bus unsure of which direction to go, that didn’t seem to bother me though who wisely followed the dude with the surfboard. Pure joy was breathed in with the salt of the ocean and I was excited just looking at sand which sparkled as if God himself and sprinkled fairy dust on the beach. Me prefers the light that reflects on the waves better. Under the moonlight it would look like a silvery trail to the stars!

As always when the time comes to show some skin, that dark void began to settle in my stomach as I braced myself for that fear of criticism that would follow. I’d look at the paleness of my skin, squeeze the loose skin and bitterly chastise myself for having eaten that second slice of toast with butter…

Instead, I surprised myself with encouragement.
Decided that my new bathing suit made me look even more elegant than the other and suggested a walk to the end of the beach to strut my stuff to the cute surfer boys! One of which rewarded my courage with a whistle… this time, I decided to accept if for the compliment that it was instead of concluding that he was making fun of me.

I and me, me and I!
Walking where the waves crashed at our feet, we reminded each other of some of the best memories we’d lived so far.
We smiled… We laughed… and we SANG not caring who heard us.
We pet some dogs, we helped two girls build a sandcastle and we read to each other from that book we chose at the book fair.
And when it was time to go home… I treated myself to an ice cream, promising that tomorrow I’d make sure I’d help encourage myself stick to a healthy diet.

The day ended with me taking a bath and putting myself to bed! It was the end of the perfect date and a new beginning to a lasting relationship!

Love yourself; you have no need to prove your worth to yourself seeing as you already are the person you should be. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel worthy or successful, if you don’t believe in yourself, then no love or support anyone else gives you will ever be enough.

Today I thanked myself for sticking it out with me even when I shut myself out from the world and in turn I promised to be more supportive and easy going.

As for those of you pointing fingers and blaming others for making yourselves feel rotten, me myself and I would like to remind you that:
People only have the importance which you give them and therefore, they can only make you feel rotten if you allow them.
Believe in yourself and nothing anyone says will bring you down.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sunshine´s logo

Here´s presenting my new logo... and thanking the artist who took time to design it!

Friday, June 16, 2006

What´s your sign

Tell me which house of the zodiac you were born under, and I’ll tell you which your prime character traits are.
Your star sign cannot tell you who you are, but it sure will help understand the pull of your personality.
Sure there are individuals that identify less with their star sign than others… (thank God for individuality!) As I mentioned before, it cannot tell you who you are but it sure gives other’s clues just as your racial ethnicity, your religious upbringing and the neighborhood you were raised in tells a lot about you.
Astrology is perhaps one of the oldest forms of heritage, lineage and psychology. In modern times, the stars are believed to foretell the future. The fact that sometimes what is calculated actually materializes; has built up a cult of believers.
Birth charts are drawn up, compatibility biorhythms are checked and what once was used to measure energy influence, has become a lucrative commerce.
Some will argue that astrology is no more than hogwash that a bunch of bored men invented and that if God wanted our personalities to be defined, he would’ve sent us with a manual… there are those that argue that Astrology is in fact that manual.

Whatever your beliefs are, there’s no denying a general interest or minimal curiosity from anyone you’ve ever met in regards to theirs.

What is your star sign?
Which are your prime reactions… the ones that define your general character?

I’m stubborn,

I’m also hard headed,
Brutally direct,
Leader of the pack,
Critical and did I mention I’m one of the most stubborn people you’ll ever meet?

That’s right, I’m an Aries… and damn proud of it too!
Those who know me will tell you that to have me as a friend, is to have a friend for life. Expect the clean cut truth with little or not sugar coating. I’m tolerant but whatever you do… don’t mess with the people I care about or I’ll make you wish you never met me.

The indecisive Libras are the ones I go on adventures with; I go to Capricorn’s for advice. Leo’s are my shopping advisors and Virgo’s are the ones that tickle my funny bone. Aquarians are the artists that I’ll go to a concert with and Sagittarians are best for theatre, movies and mind games. Pisces are the ones that understand, Cancers are the ones with solutions and fellow Aries are the ones with the strength. Scorpions are the ones with the passion, the ones to drive you to the edge and Gemini’s are the ones that make sure you’re having fun while you’re at it. And then there’s the Taurus’s… stubborn and hard headed, they’re the ones that push you further than you thought possible, lifting your moral and getting you to believe in yourself.

I made a list of all my friends and was surprised to find that through my life, the majority of my friends belonged to the house of Taurus. Two of these are considered my best friends, and immediately my interest peaked.

Why are Taurus’s good friends?
Because a lot like Arians, they like to tell it how it is. Expect a Taurus to be brutally honest and even hurtful when expressing his opinion… and boy do they like to express it! A Taurus can outtalk any sign on the zodiac, never reaching a point where they’ve said it all. In fact… they rarely get to the point! As exhaustive as this may seem, at least you know that with this sign, you’ll find someone who’s willing to share their ideas, knowledge and advice.

Are Taurus’s really intimidating?
The average Taurus makes his/her interest known almost always within the first encounter. Here’s someone that begins everything head first! Don’t be fooled into classifying him as impatient though. The Taurus is anything but impatient! They are known to hold out for as long as it takes to get what they want, persistent and never losing sight of their goals. They merely don’t like delaying the inevitable… however way they feel about you, you’ll probably know straight after meeting them.

So why have I never dated a Taurus?
According my astrology book, a Taurus doesn’t like a mate with a superior intelligence. Due to the fact that they like to talk, they don’t like the idea of having someone around that could correct them. Struck with disbelief, I decided to run the idea past a Taurus I worked with, his answer cleared my doubts:
“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never dated anyone more intelligent than me.”

The hide side!
Have I mentioned that a Taurus is almost as stubborn as an Arian? Add that to possessiveness and you’ll understand why he or she can either be a gift from the heavens or a nightmare from hell. Have you ever tried getting an idea out of a Taurus’s head? How about telling him that he or she is wrong in some or other matter? You better have proof and a hell of a lot of evidence to back yourself up – Taurus’s are born lawyers. Then there’s the drama… Taurus’s are natural actors and they live out every moment as if on an afternoon soapy!

So why bother?
Loyalty… Faithfulness… give your heart and friendship to a Taurus and know that you’ll never be betrayed. Taurus’s are also one of the top 3 signs in sense and sensuality. They’re known for their expertise in romance and passion as they are for the stubbornness; a reputation that they share with Scorpions and Arians. Purely masculine in both planet and meridian, they’ll take you to the stars and back. A Taurus is a mate for life. This is the star sign that holds the lowest divorce rate.

Few people define themselves by their star sign. Astrology lost its credibility somewhere in the newspapers and magazines which use it to entertain desperate people looking for a sign or mystical explanation. And yet… there are those that embrace their astrological heritage.

Did I also forget to mention that arrogance is also an Arian trait and that we hate admitting that when we’re wrong?...
It must be my high sense of Arian justice that causes me to deliver the just respect that the Taurus deserves (Arians keep their promises – I bet you’re surprised that I remembered to write this! Consider this the follow up of my first impression of you.)

I’m not the local astrologer nor do I know enough to describe every sign’s traits. Nor was this column intended that way…
What’s important is not what I believe but rather what you choose to believe.
Regardless of your star sign or beliefs; know your strengths and your weaknesses which make up your personality traits. As Einstein once said:
“Know thyself, only then can you begin to understand how the world works”

Thursday, June 15, 2006


As I walked through the cold gates, I shivered as I recognized my surroundings.
It must’ve been ten years since the front gate saw me. Walking through the foyer, I let the music lead me into the hall.
It was filled with dancing children covered in bright colours, reflected from the big mirror ball on the ceiling.
Smiling faces.
I knew them… all of them.
They couldn’t see me, but I could see them.
Thank God ski-pants are out of fashion and is that Dr Alban that they’re dancing to? Walking past the long black haired bitch that tormented my primary school years with her sharp tongue and her superiority complex, I stopped to take a better look at my bully. Scrawny and irritating, she was trying really hard to impress those around her and it was clear that with that much effort involved, she wasn’t having any fun.
I was shocked that I was ever intimidated by someone that small.
In fact everything looked so small, I recalled it all feeling so big back then.
I felt old.
Just about ready to skip this dream, it occurred to me that I’d seen everyone except myself. Instinct took my gaze straight to the dance floor, that’s the place I was meant to be. That music; that setting; that was the evening I’d won my first dance competition and showed my worth to my peers. I should be overjoyed and enjoying my new found confidence and self respect. So why wasn’t I on the dance floor?

Is the past exactly the way we remember it?

Walking out into the cold night, I started looking in the places I knew that I was bound to find my junior. I looked on the playground, behind the trees I used to hide. I wasn’t in the jungle gym and I wasn’t in the library. It was a long shot, but I looked by the tennis courts and in the alley between the tuck-shop and Mrs. Weeda’s first grade class. Having only one place left to look, I took a deep breath before facing my younger self.

What do you say to a ten year old with a broken heart?

Now it seems ridiculous to let myself be bothered by the idiot that didn’t want to dance with me… time showed me later that he couldn’t hold up a conversation for longer than five minutes and that his only expertise was taking care of his rats.
That wasn’t all that I’d be crying about…
There were those girls that had made fun of me when I was announced the winner, how do you explain to a child that jealousy makes people nasty?

Swearing, I promised myself to lay off the yoghurts before bedtime and wished my fruitful imagination had blessed me with dreams of Jude Law, Freddy Prinz Jr or that guy that starred in the Need for Speed movies…

Standing outside the bathroom, I decided that the sooner I could deal with my lost memory, the sooner I could back to dreaming of the good stuff… and so I closed my eyes and tried to remember what it was like to be on the other side of that door.
I knew what was she was thinking, I knew how she felt and I knew exactly what she was telling herself.
She was wondering what the hell she was doing in a bathroom by herself, why her friends weren’t with her and why on earth she’d risked dancing when she only made a fool of herself.
She wished she hadn’t ran out crying of the disco like that, she wished she’d stayed at home and she wished her parents had stayed in Portugal instead of making her move out there to a place where she was an outsider, where she didn’t fit in.
She hated her reflection, she wished she was thinner, she wished she was taller and she wished she was prettier. The tears would be running down as she gripped onto the cold sink in rage.
I walked in as she buried her face into the cold water and I could hear her words as she told herself the same sentence I’ve been telling myself for twenty four years:
“you’re gonna be okay, just hang on a little longer and you’ll be just fine.”
She caught my image in the mirror and turned around to stare me right in the eyes.

I stood frozen.
Anger seeped through my veins with the incredible urge to scream and tear apart every being that ever caused me to doubt myself.
But it wouldn’t help this child in front of me that waited on my very word.
Do I apologize?
For what?
For being weak?
For not standing up for myself?
For thinking everything was my fault?
Apologies did me no good, nor would promises of better days that I knew wouldn’t come.
Helpless to help myself, powerless to ease my own pain…
I fell to my knees in front a sad child and wept.
I cried for her, I cried for myself and for every tear we both still have to cry.
Vulnerable and small in the face of small child that found the courage to approach me, take me into an embrace and run her chubby hands through my hair. Taking my face into her hands with practiced ease, she smiled sweetly and repeated the words I know all too well:
“Don’t worry, you’re going to be just fine.”

I sighed as the light spilled warmth into my room from the sun’s first rays. Isn’t it wonderful how everything looks right in the morning? From the speed of dawn, I could tell that it’s going to be a beautiful day.
Looking into the mirror, only the dark patches under my eyes stand evidence to a harsh night… nothing a hot bath and some make up can’t fix and I smile at how easy it is to brush off a rough night.
Staring back at me, a familiar face smiles back with a knowing look that tells me, that everything is going to be, just fine.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006


He accused her of only writing sad things,
He was right.
She can think of a million and one happy thoughts, but few reach her soul.
It’s been months since her heart has genuinely smiled.
And even though she’s at peace, something remains broken…
Some things can’t be fixed.
Maybe it was never whole…
Maybe she’s just not good at fooling herself anymore.

But you couldn’t tell it from looking at her…
Her eyes still shine,
The warmth in her face will sooth you
Her touch will reach out to you
She’ll save you… but you can’t save her.

The book fair…
Once a year when some of my favourite things are put together in one big field:
Ice cream and even the dogs made it!

To be pulled it by the different titles, captivated by pages of timeless stories and imagination… she walked from stall to stall in absolute glee.
She smiled at the couples, winked at the kids and pet the dogs.
She was happy.
She’d write about that… about that moment, how wonderful her day had been, what it meant to her and how happy it had her feel.

But then the evening came… and with it the darkness
And in the moonlight, the sun didn’t shine.

She wants to believe.
That there are more like him, like the eyes that saw through to her inside a poor lit Fiat.
How many heartbreaks had he gone through to be given the gift of inner sight?
Those who look and see beyond the cover…
“Am I transparent?”
No… he can see because he wants to, because he can…
And even so… the barrier remains.
He mistakens the light for hope.
She knows better.

Where Ice makes love to Fire and self pity is a non existent state of mind, a stubborn Taurus contemplates the new age crisis: Ladies wearing the pants and men subduing to the once-thought-of as the weaker sex.
Men either turn gay or weeping housemaids… and women…
They’ve become the independent species that neither need nor wants a man for longer than it takes to satisfy their sexual appetites.
Reverse of roles?
For those who so choose…

I’m one of those…
Stubborn, independent, opinioned and self sufficient.
I don’t require a partner that isn’t able to push as far as I do…
I can’t see any that can.
I’m demanding and I’m worth it.
So I’m alone, hard to catch, impossible to keep…
I won’t change due to the fact that I like myself exactly the way I am.

She stares at him at a distance and lets her mind wander…
Is there a man inside that body that towers over her when he stands close?
Are those arms strong enough to hold a woman; protect her and keep her safe?
Can he listen as well as he talks?
Does he know when to push?
Or when to be quiet and still?
Can he say “I love you”?
Can he show it?
Would he know the moment that she placed her heart in his hands?
Could he find it there in her eyes?
She sighed before pulling in the reigns…
Because he couldn’t see through
He couldn’t see her in a skirt because she’d never worn one… she never would.
He’d never know her thoughts…
He’d have to want to…
That wasn’t going to happen.

The music is no longer romantic,
The romances replaces with fiction,
She avoids the daydreams and censures the imagination…
And yet…
She can’t fix what is broken…
And the joy she pours in is never enough to fill the emptiness.
She keeps her mind busy
To be left alone with her thoughts is to open the door to sadness
She meditates,
And in her centre she finally finds the exhaustion that takes her to sleep at 4am dragging her through dreams she can’t escape and the slumber she doesn’t want to get up from.

Speak to her.
What will you tell her?
Nothing you say will make the difference.
She knows this.
And when you regret the cruelty of bittersweet irony
That shatters your faith and kills your hope…
Just as you’re about to given in to darkness and desolation...
She’ll smile at you knowingly… and you’ll feel better
You’ll remember that she can take care of herself
And you’ll smile back with relief.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

To Forgive is Divine

Sometime in life, we’re taught to plan ahead. We organize our days, we schedule our vacations, we budget our finances and overall, we’re working for our future.
As wise and necessary as planning may be, when does it all become too much?
We compose speeches, proof read our e-mails and draw up a plan B in case our original plans fail.
We lose faith in ourselves and our spontaneity and sooner or later every step we take feels calculated and superficial.
The silent disease we all suffer from of the new age is: thinking too much.
Women were already known for this phenomenon but lately it seems to affect anyone with a conscience;
Because we want to do things right;
Because we don’t want to make mistakes.

We read books, surf the net and see shrinks in search of the answers that will perfect our way of thinking. The individual way of life has been lost to the “right” way of life defined by society. We seek people that think the same way and we end up falling into peer groups with those that share the same beliefs.

In my quest for all the answers, I’ve come to but one:
There’s my perspective and there’s everyone else’s perspective and the truth is somewhere in between.
The right or wrong is defined by the perspective by which you choose to see things by. And therefore, the correct answer becomes relative and perfection unattainable unless you can satisfy every point of view.

One of the most important career lessons I learnt was taught to me by my first employer when I screwed up a third time that week. Instead of being reprimanded, I was told with a smile that only those that don’t work don’t make mistakes.
Dumbfounded, I went home and meditated on the subject only coming to the conclusion that his screws were looser than I thought.
It only dawned on me later in life when a lazy colleague of mine that did very little got promoted, that his promotion was based on the fact that he made few mistakes. He made few mistakes because he did very little work. It also occurred me that if I didn’t try and risk making mistakes, I’d never gain the experience I needed to gain the knowledge I seeked.

Experience… it can’t be bought or taught.
You may look at a cherry and know that it’ll be juicy by the colour and texture of its skin. Its size, roundness and firmness may add to your suspicions and its sweet smell may convince you to bet on it… but what good is this knowledge if you don’t take a bite? If you don’t gently pull it off its stem with your lips and sink your teeth into its middle. To feel the juice spill onto your taste buds that sends the message to your eyes to shut on its way to your brain that savours the moment and spreads the pleasure through your body, right down to your toes.
That’s experience.

A wise man said: seek not the man with the knowledge; instead seek the man with experience.

The most fruitless activity known by man is worrying, it resolves nothing. We waste a great percentage of our thoughts, trying to control future moments that we may not even get to live… all in the name of doing things right. We try to program our minds and feelings as easily as we organize our day and then torture ourselves when things don’t work out the way we plan.

A cowboy walked past me today as I imagined he would, sooner or later.
I could tell you how I’d planned on feeling,
I can tell you what I told myself I was feeling.
And then there’s how I felt.

Knowledge can never fully prepare you for the impact of the experience of the moment.

Last week I was hard on myself for having made a mistake. My friends were kind enough to share their comments with me and thanks to their perspectives, I altered mine. Perhaps I didn’t learn the lesson I was supposed to the first time around, perhaps the same situation was meant to teach me a different lesson. Which ever the reason which lead me to make the same mistake twice (third time round to be exact), I’m proud of the intention behind it and I’m ready to try again. Maybe I’ll make the same mistake a fourth time, or maybe I’ll get it right this time and the mistake will only have been in the timing… either way, I won’t find out unless I try to look at it from another angle, and take the risk again.

Nothing shows forgiveness like giving it another chance.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Here We Go Again...

To learn from one’s mistake,
To learn from other’s mistakes…
No matter how quickly you learn,
No matter how good a student you may be,
There are days you feel like a total idiot.

To err is human,
To make the same mistake twice is foolish distraction,
To commit the same mistake a third time is insane stupidity.

To take the risk…
To risk it all…
An act of blind faith on a whim of the heart.
Because there’s always that possibility…
Because it’s the dream that drives you…
And not trying seems a bigger failure.

The consequences to a failed attempt.

It doesn’t only hurt because you failed…
It burns because you knew better…
Because somewhere along the line you made that mistake before…
Because you shouldn’t have risked it again.

To trust,
To yield,
To depend on someone’s will that’s not your own.
Disappointment guaranteed.

When all fails and everything is destroyed,
There’s always starting at the beginning,
Where you learn to trust yourself
And promise yourself not repeat past mistakes.