Thursday, June 30, 2005

Dance Me

Dance Me

I believe in the Tango, between people where one person takes one step before being corresponded with a step in the same direction.
An action that causes a reaction and a result derived from another result.
I would’ve taken our dance all the way if only you’d guided me across the dance floor.
Scared and insecure I confess that I was afraid to fall on my face but still I wanted to try with you. I trust you enough to want to dance with you.
One dance, two dances… maybe more, maybe less.
No one can truly tell how long a dance will last and how many dances there’ll be. Fate determines the hour that stops the music and the moment to change partners. Fate is the deejay that plays the songs that make me want to dance with you.
I grow wary of trying to predict how long the music will last, what time announces the end of the evening or waiting for a better song to dance to before getting up on my feet.
Partners come and go offering you their hand to dance with. Lately I’ve realised that instead of waiting for a good dancer, you should pick someone you enjoy dancing with.
I want to dance with you.

When words aren’t enough or too much to handle, a touch manages to explain everything left unsaid. The feel of you stroking my hair, the heat in your touch was the comfort my soul had been thirsting for. I longed for that tenderness that only you could provide and I felt embarrassed at how badly I needed your understanding. Embarrassed at how I felt, conscious of my words, afraid at my own reactions.
If only I’d gotten that green light… that more adventurous touch… those words… I would’ve danced with you.
It would be so easy to bend forward and kiss you, would you have turned away?
I didn’t want to be just another name in your big history book. I didn’t want to become that to you and I knew that neither did you… neither of us wants to lose what we already have with each other. And so we took the dance no further and let the song end without the grand finale we could’ve danced to.
If you had taken the steps with me, we would’ve danced… I don’t know whether it would be one song, two songs or a whole night of music, I just know I would’ve so liked us to dance.

The moment has passed but the music still plays in the back of my mind. Have I let my imagination run away with me again? I wonder if perhaps in my somnambulant state I may have misinterpreted the moment you gave me for no more than wishful thinking. Is that where the music began and ended? Either way, I still wished we danced.

Even if it’s to just one song, even if only for a moment take those steps that could very well be the beginning to a magnificent Tango.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Kiss Kiss

Kiss Kiss
There are things that you simply shouldn’t consider when thinking about trying new things… one of them is kissing a friend whilst under the influence of alcohol: same sex or not.

After a week’s pressure of work and of having to handle emotional issues, onto a night where more drama was bound to happen: the only way I knew how to deal with it all was self-anaesthesia by means of alcohol. It may not be the wisest of solutions but it sure as hell is an effective one! Bring on those strawberry cocktails with vodka! Being tipsy was a hell of a lot better than having my nerves all wound up.

What you usually forget is that you tend to feel things with double the intensity when you’re under the influence of booze, and so all those little things that had been bugging me lately suddenly bugged me a whole lot more. And because you’re in too great a mood to feel them like you should, you drown them with one glass after another.

They say that alcohol has many phases. I’m not sure in which order they come but I know that there’s a sleepy stage, a happy stage, a laughing stage, a strong phase and then there’s that phase that gets people like me in trouble: the courageous stage!
Putting aside the fact that I hate turning down a dare, I especially hate turning down a dare when I’m drunk! I usually have above-the-average control of my senses when intoxicated, however on Saturday night I decided throw caution to the wind.

So when my friend turns to me and dares me to kiss her, I simply did the unlike me: thought “Oh what the hell” and connected lips with a woman.

You should try everything at least once in your life! I won’t say that I enjoyed it; I won’t say that I didn’t enjoy it. What I will say is that kissing another woman was different. Lips were smoother and dare I say technique slightly more erotic?

I won’t be kissing any more girls again (or at least I don’t think I will) but I don´t regret the kiss I shared with my friend either. Firstly because neither of us took it seriously to the point of it meaning anything between us; secondly because it was something I’d never tried before (like to try everything at least once) and lastly because it just made me realise just how heterosexual I am.
Not trying to put the damp towel on lesbian kissing, I dare say that it is an exceptionally good kiss. However, there was something missing in that kiss that I could only find in the kiss of the man next to me… those stronger lips, tougher skin and intense heat that makes a girl weak at her knees…
Then there’s everything that involves the kiss with a man: the way he holds you while he kisses you, the smell of his skin, the taste of his lips and the way he moves his tongue with yours… there’s pure magic in a man’s kiss!
While there’s a thrill in a kiss with a woman, it’s the man’s kiss that keeps me coming back for more!

Later that very night, I had someone I’d just met try and steal kisses from me. Amused and flattered I had to admire the guy’s persistence. However, this person wasn’t as lucky. I had only two kisses for the night and neither of them belonged to him. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction for the simple reason that my lips craved the magic I’d tasted in the kiss of someone else. Even though both kisses were forbidden, they served in a positive purpose, making me realise the true value of a kiss to me.

A good friend of mine taught me that a person only has as much value as you give them, I believe that the same regards for kisses as well.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I Don´t Wanna Talk About It

I Don´t Wanna Talk About It
As an adamant believer in communication, I’ll probably be the first to say that there’s very little that one thinks and feels that shouldn’t be said. If you’re looking for a reaction, for a change or for any kind of feedback: you must be willing to risk opening your mouth and speak your peace.
Be it in your career, with family, friends or that special someone you simply can’t seem to find the words to express how you feel… the longer you avoid or postpone the truth, the more it seems to gain weight on your shoulders.
Choosing the right words may seem a difficult task but as long as you remember your intention and the truth in your message: there’s nothing in the world that can’t be said…

Conversation is meant to carry across a message, clarify doubts and convey the truth. It becomes as important to the receivers as it is for the communicators when you realise that at times the slightest, most unimportant bit of information a person can give us may just be the leading key factor in the decisions we make.
Stronger than force, superior than intelligence and mightier than the sword: words have the power to move mountains. Words are so magical or so fatal that one might even describe them as witchcraft from those who know how to use them.

And yet… there are times in our lives when silence is the only form of expression worthy of how we feel.

The gift of foresight is the one that allows a person to already know where every road may lead and the end to every conversation. A clairvoyant may not be able to tell you much about the journey but still manages to tell you where you may end up when you choose a certain path. When it comes to talking, this path may make all the difference. The words we choose to speak determine how effective our conclusions will be.

When the ending to a conversation is a definite solid, some of us choose to not bother with the chatter in between. It’s pretty much like trying to talking to a lawyer after you’ve been sentenced: no matter what you say you’re going to be punished anyway, so why bother? I had a truly hard time comprehending the concept of silence when words are the windows to all hope…

However, I understand the need for silence when no words can change facts. It’s like wishing that the sky was pink and that the ocean tasted like strawberries.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I don’t want to say the words that will generate the answers I already know. Why torture the both of us with talk that changes nothing and puts at risk everything?
Lately I feel that the truth can be as painful as a lie… and although we’ve never lied to each other, there are some truths I prefer not to speak about.. It’s like walking on broken glass: Why crush something that’s already broken?

Not all communication can be predictable. Not all roads take to you to all the same places and one should be quite certain about the outcome before allowing assumption or guessing shape our decisions or words. However, when you know for certain the answer to the question; you might want to save your breath.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Let’s Just Be Friends

Let’s Just Be Friends

The worst speech known to mankind (and womankind mind you!) is that which begins with “let’s just be friends”. Jerry Seinfield and Eminem are strong protestors of this ego-shattering and heart-wrenching talk that the opposite sex gives you just before they let you know you don’t stand a chance in hell of having your feelings reciprocated.
At first you feel that sharp breaking of your heart and then you hear that loud crashing of your hopes and your first reaction is generally to feel sorry for yourself.
Eventually you realise that you’re not the kind to play victim and so the only natural reaction is to get really pissed off at the person who obviously didn’t appreciate your efforts to tell them how you feel!

It’s so easy to lash out when you’re hurt. That dull ache that sits in your throat makes you want to scream in frustration and the weight on your shoulders makes you want throw a punch at everything and everyone who gets in your way. You rack your brain for valid justifications but the only one you keep coming back to is that you simply weren’t good enough… or that you were too good (depending on how good your ego treats you).
Either way, no conclusion helps you get that person out of your head as you struggle to accept that they… just want to be friends.

I recently bumped upon the blog of someone I’d run across a couple of times. Not knowing him well enough to have any concrete opinion, my impression of him however was of a really cool guy, the kind I’d introduce any of my girls to. Poetry, verses and generally great pieces of writing is some of the stuff I based my opinion on (that and the fact that he looks good in a suit!). Imagine my shock when I read something completely out of context labelled: Male Values.
Yeap you guessed it: Due to an unfortunate heartbreak, our buddy decided to turn against the whole female race:
“Virgins were too much work to be bothered with”, “picking out a girl is like grocery shopping” and my absolute peeve: “there should be a law that every man should be allowed to have sex with any woman who wears a short skirt and low cut blouse.”
Of course if you’re a guy, you might find some of this “male-talk” amusing. If you’re the skirt’s boyfriend, brother, best friend or the skirt herself… you might just feel the urgeto put out a death warrant on the asshole that decided to classify all women the same... degrading! Would you ever treat a cat the same way you would treat a tiger? Hell no… I kindly reminded our writer that he probably wouldn’t take too kindly to me referring to every male as: “a walking penis I can bend and shape at my will!”

After seeing red, I decided to do my community service for the day and do society a favour by setting the kid straight! I decided to comment my opinion on his male values. Translation: I let him have it!

I expected two of the following reactions: either he slandered me on his blog or he would send me hate mail (tough statements call for tough comments – only dish out what you can swallow I always say!). However, I was surprised, impressed and slightly relieved by the mature e-mail I got (There is hope for men after all – hehehe… There! I generalised, here’s your opportunity to get back at my comment!).
It seems our young writer just had a bad case of the sour grapes and not so far from the mature world as I’d feared! In fact, I’d say that after he’s vented, he might just handle things pretty well. I’m rooting for you kid!

Through times countless friendships have been screwed up on account of developing attraction by one or both parties. It isn’t by chance that Billy Crystal in “When Harry Met Sally” made a point of saying that men and women can’t be friends. Someone eventually ends up wanting to sleep with the other and it screws things up. I once had a friend who said the validation of a friendship depends on the time it takes for the hormones to override someone’s system. Of course when love is involved: the consequences double in damage!

Picture the following scenario:
Great friends; the kind that tell each other anything and everything and understand each other on every level. Somewhere along the line (probably after you saw him shaking his thing on the dancefloor) you realise that you might just want some more:
So after months of consideration, you eventually find the courage to take the plunge and tell him how you feel. Taking great pains to look good, wearing that perfume you know he likes and your hair the way he thinks it suits you… you hide your sweaty hands and blurt out that your feelings go beyond friendship.

And then comes that damn speech “I care about you but…. Blah blah blah… let’s just be friends”

And now you sit around wide awake with your world half asleep wondering what the hell to do with your feeling wishing you’d never opened your mouth in the first place!

The End? Game Over?
Why is it that people mistaken this speech for the end?
The person to proclaim their undying love forgets that while they’ve been planning the moment for months, it might probably never passed their friend’s mind. In fact their first reaction might probably be: “It hit me like a ton of bricks”…
Just because you’ve been fantasizing 24/7 doesn’t mean he has! How would you react in his shoes? And yet you choose to give up so easily…

When women complain that men don’t fight for them… this is exactly what they’re referring to! Instead of him sticking around to see if you change your mind, he finds a quick replacement… or turns into a monster!
Imagine yourself wanting to work for a certain company… are you going to accept the first “no” they give you or will you keep sending your CV until you get the position you’re looking for? Perseverance means you’ll either get the job or land something better in your searching process.

If you truly care about the person; face it: your feelings aren’t just going to disappear! And obviously it hurts like hell when the object of your affections speaks about someone else… but if your friendship is one of understanding, there should be no problem in keeping the “love” topic off limits. Why create distance? You know you’re not going to forget the person in any case and chances are that if you stick around, you might just be giving the person a chance to realise what they’re missing out on. Give the person enough reasons to love you… and they just might. Basically you give them the opportunity to toy with the idea that you’ve been toying with the last couple of months: taking the friendship to the next level!

All is fair in love and war! Don’t get mad… get even!

Distract yourself with a new friendship without letting go of the old one. No one likes having their space stolen in a person’s life no matter how small it may be. It’s one way of getting the object of your affection to realise how much they miss you, how much you mean to them. If all else fails, you’ll end up with a new friend and time will take care of healing your wounds without losing any friends.

It’s simple: no lies, no manipulation, no resentment and no self-pity. Be yourself, maintain as best you can the friendship and let time write its fate. Note: I said it was simple, not easy. Anyone know of any other honest solution?

While it’s true that the “let’s just be friends” speech is one of the hardest for any love-struck human being to withstand, the fact is that your attitude will define how much you truly lose or gain from it. If nothing else is understood from the above writing remember this: Just because a person doesn’t love you the way you love them, doesn’t mean they don’t love you the most that their heart allows.

PS: A note to all my very close guy friends: thanks for helping me prove them all wrong about male-female friendships. I love you all the best a friend or a sister ever could!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Never Saying Never Again

Never Saying Never Again

My father has always warned me to: “never say never”. And whilst this seems to be quite an annoying quote to learn when you’re young; you realise as you grow older that it might be one of the most important philosophies to live by. After this weekend’s events, I decided that the whole concept of “never say never” is life’s way of proving you wrong!

A day at the beach had to be cancelled due to cloudy conditions and so the girls and I had to make alternative plans for the Saturday. Stocking up on all green and juicy things; the girls and I began our afternoon together making two salads whilst discussing important worldly affairs such as: our independence. We all came to the unanimously consensus that a cellphone and independence are things that a girl simply cannot abdicate from! Going into an in depth analyses we came to the conclusion that a woman can do anything a man can… and she’ll do it in high heels! This is the part where I tell my girls that I simply couldn’t see myself sharing my roof with anyone else and that I’d never need a man in my life.

Although I’m adamant about my convictions, I realise now that I made a huge mistake when I used the “n…..” word! Fate it seems… decided to prove me wrong!

Three hours, two movies, a couple of slices of tuna pizza and a few bowls of salad later, my miellie sisters and I, were so excited to rush out the door to go watch the fireworks display in town that is was only after I heard that click that I’d realised I’d made a huge mistake. Earlier when dumping out the garbage, I’d used my spare key and left it in the keyhole. Now that I was on the other side, my original key wouldn’t go through and in short: I locked myself out my own house!

Yeah! Sure… laugh! Like you haven’t locked yourself out before?!!

Breaking an umbrella, three women struggled with a wire and a keyhole ending in nothing more than a fruitless sweat. I had no choice but to swallow my pride and do what just that afternoon I swore I wouldn’t do, I picked up the phone stifled a sob and tried not to sound panicked as I wailed into the receiver:
“Please save me!!! I need you!!!”

Ten minutes later my uncle arrived with a toolbox and a smug smile on his face. I tried not to look so relieved as I watched him work. After a good while of struggling along with a little help from my neighbour, I realised that my whole anti-theft precautions were working against me!
My uncle is an expert at Do-It-Yourself, so it was when he told me that he couldn’t get it open that I really began to panic.
Never having to use the number before, I dialled 112 and tried to picture the fat laugh the operator would have with her colleagues once she’d sent someone to open my door.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see two men in uniform! Screw the whole shining armour prince on a white horse: try two gorgeous firemen in a fire truck! My aunt who’d heard about the bold statement I’d given to my girl friends earlier was giggling reminding me that I didn’t need one, not two… but four men! She doubled on the floor laughing when the firemen told us we had to wait for the police: the number increased to six!

Six men applied pressure to my door in order to side a film that was supposed to open it up. I suppose that if I’d been thinking clearly, I would’ve been more than amused at six muscular bodies trying to force their way into my life! If only they’d put as much effort into entering my heart, I’d die a happy woman! Alas, my front door is the exact replica of my beating heart and they couldn’t so much as get the film to pass through.
I was practically in tears when someone announced that the only way in would be to break the door down. Immediately I had the two cute policemen patting my back and messaging my shoulders telling me that no one was going to break anything down until the locksmith had a chance to look at it. One of the firemen ran back to his truck to find the locksmith’s number whilst the other tried cheering me up by telling me that I should then go out and buy another lock just like it! Realising that the only solution would be to drill, we resigned to leave it for the following morning and went outside in time to watch the fireworks display begin.

Six men and still my door wasn’t open… how many more men was I going to need??

Three men and a thick drill!!! For two hours straight these men drilled into my lock taking out each of the seven lock pins one by one. Frustration mounted as I realised that I was helpless to do anything and that my high heels weren’t going to help me in this situation. Almost resigning myself to the breaking down of my door, my aunt had the brilliant idea of trying out the firemen’s strategy on one of the windows and sure as hell… it opened! I had never been to happy to be in my own house again!!!

…As you might’ve noticed: without the woman, the men still wouldn’t have gotten the job done!!!

The moral of the story though is to not ever say “From this glass of water, I shall not drink”. For tomorrow you might have to gulp it down with thirst. You never know in life what or who you may need in future or in this case: in the present. As I lay my head back on my own pillow tonight, I’ll be more humble in my prayers. I’ll thank God that we listened to my aunt before breaking down the door and I’ll apologise for saying that I’ll never need a man. I still don’t think I need one, but I’ll never use the “never” word again. Because after all, I can’t say I don’t need a man when I do need one for: drilling keyholes, changing tyres, fixing cars, etc…

Yeap, I’ve learnt my lesson! If you use the word “never” you run the risk of life proving you wrong and therefore my friends I end this entry by reminding you all that I’ll never be a billionaire…. ;-P

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Wind of Change

Wind of Change

Lately it’s been touching me like a light breeze. As each day passes, I feel its strength increase while it whispers in my ears, blowing sweet nothings and everything’s through my hair. After so long of searching for it, it seems that it has found me: the wind of change.

Before I left South Africa, it seemed like everything simply fell into place. I finally saw those friends that I hadn’t seen for ages, buried old hatchets and mended fences. Although time was limited, miraculously it seemed there was enough of it to do all the things that needed to be done. Without much planning and with little effort, things somehow just fell into place. And while it seemed that change was difficult, it became clear to me that change becomes easier once your mind and heart are set.
After six weeks since deciding upon my departure, I stood looking through my bedroom window onto clear blue skies in awe of how difficult and easy it is to close a chapter on our lives.
At that moment, I zipped up the two large suitcases, rechecked that my passport and boarding pass was in my handbag and took a deep breath before saying goodbye to the room that was home to my soul. Even once buckled up in my chair, I wasn’t sure whether or not to run back to my devastated parents. Your soul is sure, your heart never truly is.

Three years and nine months I’ve been living on Madeira Island. Two of these years, I’ve been planning to get out. Out where?
Any place that will give me the opportunity to continue growing and learning. I want evolution in my education, in my career and I seek the opportunity to get to know more people. It’s in the name of this quest that I’ve searched release from the limits an island imposes upon me.

Countless Curriculum Vitae’s have been sent around the world.
New York.
Lisbon… and even
Sunny South Africa.

Where do I truly want to go? I don’t know how to answer that question except to say:
I want to go where the wind takes me, where the earth moves me and where I can build my home. I want to go where opportunities grab me and where destiny pulls me; I want to be where I belong… I just don’t know exactly where that is. But I’ll let you know once I get there.

It’s not as if life doesn’t give me opportunities… but all of the ones I’ve gotten lately, my heart tells me not to follow.
Secretary to a pharmaceutical company?
I’m capable of so much more than that!... even if I’m meant to earn more money.
And so I allow these opportunities to pass me by, whilst I wait for the right turn off onto the highway of my destiny.

In the last two weeks. I’ve finally finished those chores I’ve been meaning to finish for months. I’ve filled the blanks to mysteries that threatened never to be solved and I’ve managed to update all my personal paperwork. Clients that have left pending issues with me for months suddenly have appeared to resolve them. It seems like fate, for no apparent reason has decided to spring clean my life. Closing my eyes and humbly thanking God for these small opportunities that make a big difference I recognise the hand of the wind of change.

No, I haven’t gotten any concrete offers. I don’t know what I’ll be doing in the next six months or how I’m going to cope but I do know where I’ll be. It seems life has chosen Lisbon as my next destination and my soul is so sure that it’s willing to put its certainty into these written words. The interviews that await me no longer make me nervous.
As if something stronger than me has taken over the control of my life, I watch in awe as things begin to fall into place.

When life brings you to the crossroads do you embrace the wind of change or do you fight against it? Change has and always will be frightening for all of us even though there are those more adept for it than others.
Doubt confirms that the change is for real.
You are then given the choice to hold onto the opportunity that life gives you or allow it to pass you by. Some opportunities come around more than once, but most are the kind that may never pass you by again. To know that you have this choice, you must be able to recognise the wind of change. Allow it to speak to you. To touch you and your life for only then can you decide whether or not to embrace it.

Thursday, June 09, 2005



If you choose to draw your own conclusions without communicating with the person or people concerning the situation… you run the risk of getting it all wrong.

Nothing pisses me off more than people who try to be clairvoyant, jumping to conclusions and divulging them with the same conviction as if they were hardened facts.
In most cases, people choose to behave this way either because they can’t face the truth or because the truth is not to their benefit. Friendships and all sorts of relationships have been lost due to sheer pride and arrogance of those that choose not to smooth out the fine printed details… All it takes to save them is sincere, honest communication.

Three years ago there was tension between two good colleagues of mine. Being friends to both Spit and Spot, I found myself in the uncomfortable position somewhere in the middle of a war. While cannon balls and explosive bombs were thrown both ways, I managed to keep myself safely out of the reach of fire. At the time I figured that as long as I didn’t get involved, both friendships could easily be maintained.
I was wrong.
By means which I only found out later, Spit got word of Spot’s secret strategy and managed to cause serious havoc in Spot’s game plan. Considering I was the only mutual and neutral neighbour, the immediate conclusion by Spot was betrayal from my part.
Angry beyond belief, I couldn’t believe that Spot could so much have even considered my involvement. Worse than the offensive conclusion was the fact that it hadn’t come to my understanding directly from Spot but from other sources and needless to say, disappointment and hurt is what one feels when a friend of yours can’t be bothered to confront you with their suspicions of something you may have done wrong.
And yet… I decided to confront Spot and set the truth straight. I was innocent and I wanted Spot to know the truth.
But when the time came to confront Spot, she turned her back deciding to neither hear the truth nor attempt to save a friendship, resolving to stick to the conclusions to which she had drawn.
Frustrated at the injustice of accusations I wasn’t guilty of; I sat in an empty office and cried. Two days later I attempted another confrontation with the same result and on the failure of my third attempt I came to the following conclusion:

People draw their own conclusions when the possibility of the truth either doesn’t suit them or they simply have not the courage to face it.

I was told this by a stranger who found me crying and told me that I hadn’t lost a friend; destiny had decided to remove someone not worthy enough to be in my life. For what kind of a friend simply lets go of a friendship without so much as talking out the truth?

Today I ran into Spot as I left one of my best friends at church. She looked at me with a weak smile and I decided to maintain my dignity by greeting her.
An innocent (wo)man has no reason to behave as if guilty.
I found out later that the truth is as reliable as oil in water… it eventually surfaces. She knew of my innocence and yet never found the courage to straighten things out. Just before I got on the bus to leave, I got a message asking me to meet her for coffee and talk. After fifteen minutes of idle chatter I decided to cut the bullshit short by cutting straight to the truth and asking her if she was ready to talk about what happened. It somehow amazed me that even after knowing the truth; Spot could still not face it choosing to stare at her lap instead of looking me in the face.
“Was that so hard?” I asked after all was said and done.
I watched the face of woman nodding, who now understands the importance of communication. And even though we may never return to the friendship that we once had, destiny made sure that we both learnt this precious lesson.

The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.

Everyone has a turn at being the victim to someone else’s illusions. They don’t always necessarily create bad impressions: my latest role is lover to a distant work colleague.
A perfectly good friendship has suddenly been characterised by outsiders as a secret love affair which the more I deny, the more weight it seems to carry.
Quite annoyed by the unfounded rumour (especially since I hold none of the benefits that this role implies!), I decided to look the misconceptor in the eye and tell him that I’ve got about as much intimacy with my supposed lover as I do with him… In a full office with radar ears this created an even bigger suspense: “Has she slept with that colleague too?”…
This false impression however, is more his problem than it is mine!
I laugh off the misconceptions. Fighting them is almost the same as confirming them to someone who chooses not to believe otherwise. Luckily, neither my friend nor I take these comments seriously and we choose not to let them bother us. Our friendship is too precious to be dented by other people’s illusive opinions.
For the truth is truly only important to those that hold it and those who truly seek it.

Living on an island where people worry more about other people’s lives than their own, I often worry about the damage created by misconceptions and jumping to the wrong conclusions.
When people deny you the chance to defend yourself, you become the person they describe you to be until the truth eventually emerges.
Perhaps they blame you for something said or something that happened, giving you labels such as: bitch, slut, hypocrite etc.
You can either choose to fit into this role or simply wait until the truth emerges… and it always does. When you can’t defend yourself, simply be yourself.
The truth is generally the best vindication against slander and those that are not blind eventually see.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. When in doubt, choose to believe the person who seeks the truth instead of the person who claims to know it for he is the creator of misconceptions. You cannot prevent people from lying or distorting the truth but you can keep yourself from falling victim by choosing to be honest until the truth prevails.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Giving Wings To Forbidden Thoughts

Giving Wings To Forbidden Thoughts

In the privacy of my own mind, I set my thoughts free and dare to imagine the things I don’t allow myself the privilege during the day.
Tiny images and clips of forbidden thoughts play from under my subconscious and I can’t help but smile and giggle at the knowledge of what I force myself to suppress daily.
Some are innocent thoughts… like those of hidden desires to throw my boss out the balcony, just before I tie him to his chair and shave off his eyebrows!
Then of course there are those clients that I’d love to make them swallow their cell phones while I stick my pen up their noses right after I write “Spoilt Baby Brat” on their foreheads with a permanent marker.
If only we could simply do what we felt like doing…
I would’ve sat on the lap of that idiot that cat called me when I went to buy bread this morning, blocked his nose and whispered “Go ahead… whistle again!”

If thoughts were public we’d all be in a whole heap of trouble!...

The warning bells usually go off with more vigour when it comes to thoughts of the opposite sex…. That ex-boyfriend, your best friend’s boyfriend, your teacher, your work colleague, your client, perhaps a married person… or even your gay friend.
There are people of the opposite sex that you simply shouldn’t think of in a certain way… a kiss… a caress… a tight squeeze… a wild night and an untamed morning…
These are all highly forbidden when associated with people you’re not allowed to be attracted to do. And normally you’re not…
In fact, during almost all the time you distinguish your individual roles perfectly and manage to keep yourself within boundaries…
But when the night comes…
When time is on your hands and you dare to take the leash off your senses…
Fantasies roam free and you find yourself thinking the unthinkable.

The difference between man and animal is that man holds the power of decision and therefore he withholds against instinct.
While this can be a dagger of two sharp blades, the fact is that to survive within the homo-sapiens jungle, one must learn to refrain from acting on all desires.
And so we teach and programme our minds to function a certain way, emphasizing thoughts that accomplish our goals and eliminating those that hinder our growth.
But when the loneliness comes… when the world is shut away, you begin to hear yourself think and your mind takes you places that you dare not envision.

Set your mind free.

Dream whatever you feel you want to dream, picture, visualise and fantasize about all the things your mother and friends would be shocked to know.
Why not think more, feel more, create more in your mind. After all, nothing prevents you from reaching new heights, creating different ideas… even if they never get played out anywhere further than the back of your mind. Sometimes we discover the most interesting things about ourselves when we think the unthinkable.

Out of fifty thoughts I will but react on one… this goes to say that I know how to distinguish between a thought I should act on and one I should write about…
I began this piece with a thought I wanted to share… but instead I leave you with nothing more than the concept.
For my thoughts and dreams are mine alone to shape and mould as I see fit and replay whenever I want to escape reality or simply think of mischievous things…
So go ahead, make your own movie with janitor, the bank manager or the pizza delivery boy for the only limits are those which you yourself impose on your mind.
And the next time you see someone smiling for no apparent reason… know that they’re only doodling in their private thoughts.

Monday, June 06, 2005

The Matrix

The Matrix

Many people have lost their minds because of it. The question that drives them is a decision we all have to make. When life presents us with two coloured pills, most of us spend as much time as we can stalling the decisive moment. Eventually… we all must make that choice and pick an answer for the question that drives us all…

What is the matrix? Love? Where is the love?... what is real?

We search for it in the eyes of those we meet; those we befriend and those we interact with. Knowing that somewhere out there, there is someone with the ability to make us feel complete. For most of my life I've heard people refer to this person as one's soul mate. And even though everyone around you looks for this person, you find yourself inexplicably looking for that person too… a desire not taught but self developed.

This process repeats itself with two kinds of people: two pills:
Those who love and those who don't.

There are those that chase love like one chases a butterfly, a rainbow or a fairytale. I see these people fall in love over and over again. Once time has dissipated the effects left by the intoxication of pheromones, the veil of illusion is lifted: they realise that perhaps love did not exist where it once did and leave on their ongoing search for "true" love. Dreamers? Yes, maybe, definitely: but no more than you or I. for it's the desire that drives them: the matrix born within us.

Then there are those we label cruelly as the slaves to the system. They pick their partners as one would pick out a pair of shoes:
Colour - check
Texture - check
Soles - check
Height, size, thickness, durability, price, label… everything is considered before making the purchase that is intended to match the image chosen for oneself. And who can blame them? If love is no more than a passing feeling that fades then why not choose the person that best suits your ambitions and life's goals.
In a world where couples pair off and separate about as quickly as someone sneezes, we're all left wary and doubtful about who we should invest our hearts in. At an age were we can afford to be demanding, people decide to settle for no less than the best. And who is their best partner? They search for compatibility in likes, dislikes, physical features and career choices. And after a trial test drive, if the specimen isn't up to their standards you simply trade them in for another.

Take the blue pill and you choose the perfectly balanced relationship basing your choices on carefully calculated and analysed factors. Such as: "he'll never cheat on me; he'll treat me like a princess; my parents love him: he responsive and credible enough for a future"
These of course are not guarantees but safe bets.
Take the red pill choosing to try out every possible relationship. No one of the opposite sex can be seen as merely a friend without being a possible candidate. Throw all caution to the wind and with it possibly your soul as well, as you analyze every detail as a sign.

There are those of us who choose not to make a choice… and that too is a decision.
While some people choose to live out a script that is written, others prefer to write it as they go along. Destiny is written for some, defied by others and then there are those of us that sit somewhere in between. We stare at those two pills that the strange hand of fate puts before us and choose not to pick one.

How do you tell these people apart? Easy.
The love struck ones live life through their pretty painted glasses, breaking down if you try to make them see through anything else than their pink lenses. The calculists are those who refuse to bring emotions into their decisions often lashing out if you attempt to speak to their hearts… and the inbetweeners?... they're usually the ones you find looking out into the distance, the ones who struggle to believe in love but cannot deny its existence; the ones who live on a prayer; perhaps still trying to decide which pill to take.

There is nothing more I enjoy more than finding these wanderers in the dense crowd. They look at you with the tired of eyes of someone who still hasn't found what they're looking for and smile in silent recognition. Not wanting to wear the pink glasses, they refuse however to sell their hearts knowing that somewhere out there, there exists the one: that one person that their hearts were programmed to search for.

The Answer is out there if you dare to look and allow it to find you…
That person may or may not be out there:
The One that rules the matrix you were born into.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Back to ABC... Keeping it Simple

Back to ABC... Keeping it Simple

I’d like to thank those that remembered me today considering that today was as much my day is it is any other six-year old! Celebration of Children’s day is something we can all do considering that inside our souls there lives an eternal child. In honour of this day I decided to share the secret of some of the best moments I’ve lived these past few days: those which I basically lived… simply.

Children love trips. My little brother wants to be a pilot and almost every kid I know shines at the opportunity to go on a plane regardless of where it’s going.
The child in me is more interested in the voyage rather than the destination.
Tired, drained, worn-out and beat… this is how I arrived at the airport on Friday evening after a day that had sucked all the energy out of me. I still had a ninety minute flight ahead before I could lay my head down to rest and somehow… that made all the difference!
There are few people that can comprehend my fascination with aeroplanes. How can I possibly enjoying being cooped up like a sardine inside a giant machine that could fall out of the sky… this of course is not to mention how exhausting the whole experience is.
I simply tell them that how you choose to live the experience determines how good or bad it can be…
To sit at an airport terminal with your legs tucked under you, a good book in your hand, your favourite music in playing through your earphones and occasionally watching a plane take off in front of you as you patiently wait for your own flight… is what I consider to be therapy!
Then there’s the take off, that exhilarating pull of energy in your stomach as you realise that you’ve no longer got contact with the ground and that you’re being taken higher than you can possibly reach… You sit for those ninety minutes and do whatever feels best: you can read, you can listen to your music, you can mellow in your thoughts… or you can close your eyes and merely feel your shoulder relax. At times, I wonder if time stops with the slowing down of my heartbeat.
Landing can be just as exciting, that cute airhostess that gotten me the apple juice earlier asked me to fasten my seatbelt and gave me one of those million dollar smiles that makes one grateful that it’s not only females that make airhostesses nowadays.
Watching a whole city beneath you; tiny lights zooming to and fro and the expansive view below that makes you feel small causes you to tingle in your seat. Excitement builds just as the plane flies closer to the ground, you take a deep breath as you brace yourself for that touch… that brute connection that tells you that you’re once again part of the earth.
I was so engrossed with the whole experience that I only realise that I’d been sharing the flight with a client when he tapped my shoulder at the luggage conveyer belts. Although I enjoy the solitude of travelling at night, I was still grateful for the familiar face and the friendly chat that allowed me the opportunity to rub off some of my travelling passion with a frequent flyer that had forgotten its taste.

Children look to be with the people that love them the most and give them the freedom to be themselves.
The child in me longs to be surrounded by the people that I love the most.
Spending two days with my cousin in Lisbon was like spending two weeks at a Club Med resort. I state this because all the objectives of a holiday were achieved: I managed to sleep soundly and restfully, I felt no pressure or responsibility and I shared my time with my cousin: a person that cares about me and that I love to bits!
In these two days we did some of my favourite things: we talked; we laughed; we watched movies (I recommend the Phantom of the Opera to all classical music lovers!) and we spent a whole afternoon at a book fair where I found my companions for my summer holidays! Searching through great covers, prologues and authors: I lost myself in a written world that I would gladly have locked my mind in! My pleasure and satisfaction concluded with a sigh, a bag of four new books and an ice cream!

Children aren’t afraid of asking silly questions!
The child in me has always wondered why people refer to some relationships as “cat and dog”. And why is the woman always portrayed as the cat leaving the male to be the dog? After some serious thought, I decided that it should be the other way around! Considering that in general, women have a greater capacity for faithfulness than men: women should be portrayed as the dog. Not to mention that a creature which is aloof and uncommitted such as the cat is more easily identified with men.
By the end of the weekend, I changed my mind!
Pandora and Kika are two gorgeous cats that have become extensions of my cousin’s family. Although they are loved and spoilt, they don’t give confidence easily and it became clear to me that I’d have to conquer their trust if I was to get close enough to pet them. Kika was the easier of the two; she eventually let me pet her when I found her on her favourite spot in the sun on top of the washing machine… the fact that I brushed her fur helped all the more! Pandora however wasn’t as easy and it was just as I was about to give up that she jumped on the couch and gave me the opportunity to touch her. She purred as I stroked her and I thought I’d finally won her trust, however just a half hour later she was running away again.
I realised then that perhaps it is fair to compare women to cats considering that a woman’s heart needs to be conquered. It takes patience to win her trust but always worth it in the end. However, never take a person for granted or you’ll lose them from your sight.

Children enjoy playing with other children.
The child in me feels the need to be around other kids.
Have you ever noticed how stupid people behave around babies? What would you think if someone made funny noises and pulled faces at you? Sometimes you just can’t help it!
Children have the tendency to bring out our most infantile reactions causing us to look like twits while we try everything to get them to smile. Luckily the baby boy I had the pleasure of meeting was a bubbly and friendly bag of giggles that didn’t hesitate to jump into my lap. Suppressing my most maternal instincts to go out and make one of my own, I decided that it was high time my cousins started having kids! (hint, hint!)

Children love trying out new things.
The child in me searches for new adventures, the kind that haven’t been tried out before.
Riding the train and eating Haagen Dazs whilst zooming on the highway were a definite first for me! I tried not to look so pathetic whilst enjoying a train ride that most people found a tedious mode of daily transportation. Engrossed with the view, I hardly felt the speed at which the train travelled by and I decided that a trip by train to Madrid or somewhere in Europe was a vacation definitely worth considering in future!
Praline Haagan Dazs… so good, you’ll think it’s a sin! The last time I had ice cream that good was Gino Ginelli’s Double Toffee back in South Africa. For a dairy lover such as myself, especially for one keen on ice creams this was a definite high-light to my trip to Lisbon! The best life’s lessons are those learnt together with your mates: I learned that you should always have spoons in your glove compartment and we learnt that wet wipes make a better emergency kit choice than mere tissues.

When you have a good friend for company, even the North Pole can feel like paradise… thank-you to my cousin, my friends and my colleagues that made the short time I had in Lisbon feel that much special!

Children know to trust their elders for knowledge.
The child in me knows to search for the experienced when looking for advice.
This advice was given over the two strangest Hawaiian glasses I’ve ever seen! However, it was as good as the exotic potion inside them and in the midst of sincere conversation, I was reminded that people only have the importance that which we give them. Even my pride couldn’t ignore the strong truth in the fact that the people we care about hurt us the most because of the way we feel about them. To keep yourself from disappointment or anger, you simply reduce the importance of that person to you. It is the way to cease the power of their behaviour over you. I have to admit that this isn’t an easy concept for me and that it is about time that I give some people less importance and others a lot more.

Children go home at the end of the day.
The child in me wished for nothing more than to go home… wherever that is.
Whilst sitting at Gate fifteen waiting for my delayed flight I heard the call that froze my thoughts:
“Passengers leaving for Johannesburg via Maputo must board at gate twenty six”
Although I knew I shouldn’t… I couldn’t resist the magnetic pull that placed me on my feet and took me in the opposite direction of where I was supposed to be waiting.
I watched as the passengers boarded the plane that would take them to the city that I’ve been missing for the last three and a half years. My throat tightened as I saw the last of the passengers board and I knew that it would be so easy to slip between them considering that the airhostesses hardly looked at the ticket and the plane wasn’t too full that I couldn’t grab the first open seat. It wouldn’t be the first time that such a mistake had happened; surely I’d get away with it…
My heart broke inside my frozen body as they closed the terminal doors. I watched the plane pull away from the hanger silently wishing that it would take me with it. The intercom announcing my actual flight brought me back to my senses and the rough landing on Madeira’s elongated airstrip made me wish I’d had the courage to board the plane back home…

Children know that the quickest way anywhere is to travel in a straight line.
The child in me reminds me to keep things simple. Life’s memorable moments are those which are made special by the beholder.
A rollercoaster ride can be just as significant as a trip to the supermarket, searching for the bread aisle.
How good a moment can be depends on the company and the perspective you choose to live with. Children know that fun and joy only require the basic desire.