Friday, February 15, 2008

I saw people...

Photosource: Unknown

Due to temporary deslocation, i´ve been working this week in a different building which results in my taking a shortcut through Curry Cabral Hospital every morning.
The walk implies walking past security, past the emergency entrance and various consulting rooms before walking through a garden and finally walking past security at the exit.

On most mornings, the music from my earphones and random thoughts keep me distracted but this morning time seemed to have slowed down and I became aware of my surroundings:
I walked past a little girl sitting outside the emergency room with a look of all the sadness in the world on her face.
Knowing nothing else to do, I conjured my broadest smile and was relieved when she smiled back.
Smile - the best contagious ailment I know!
The old man in the wheelchair also smiled at me as I walked past the consulting rooms and the old couple in the garden sitting on the benches as well – the lady had a bandage on her hand, she must´ve either sprained or hurt it.

Why is it that I only saw these people today when all week I hadn´t noticed anybody at all…
The sad truth of life is, that we spend a lot of time "not seeing people".
You can´t keep track of everyone in your life however you learn that in life if you don´t appreciate the people that surround you - you´ll only truly "see" them, once they´ve gone.
I decided to give my little brother a call...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Onion Rings

Photosource: Unknown

One of the most interesting concepts I learnt in my courses in Reiki is that when you think you´ve overpassed some or other issue in your life – it comes back to haunt you.
Frustrating isn´t it?
That you think you´re over something and then you realise you have to deal with it all over again.
I used to consider this a weakness, regression in growth – a failure in humanity.
As it so happens, and to my relief at the time this shouldn´t be considered as regression but as growth.
Well if you consider that evolution envolves new perspective than the issue you dealt with yesterday is now seen from a different angle… it´s the new angle in an old story that you´re dealing with – or as my instructor lovingly described as another ring in the same onion.

I´ve once again bit the onion and much to my disdain, am having a hard time digesting it. And what brings me to tears isn´t the fact that I have to deal with an old issue, it´s the fact that it redefines who I am and whichever way I choose, I can´t go both ways.

So what´s the issue? Independence.
For those that have been reading, this has to be one of my highest priorities.
It´s not that i´m at risk of losing it but today I deal with it from a different angle…

The turning point of my life was the realization that I depended on me. This knowledge made the absolute difference in every aspect of my life and I gained the courage to take risks… big risks… insane risks because the only person at risk is me… it´s my life, my decisions and my responsibility.
I packed, I moved, I risked and I love the control I have over my life… the fact that I can do with it whatever I please. If tomorrow I decided to become a workaholic student stripper than I could – because it´s my life and because I can.

A bad move accompanied with major disappointment lost me some of my courage to make drastic changes for a while… I become stagnant, resigned to licking my wounds until I decided again what I wanted to do… what kept me going was the knowledge that my life was still in my own hands.

Then there were two…
And everything changes, including your priorities because whatever decision you make affects the other half.
It´s easy to tell each other “I´m happy if you´re happy, so make the decisions that make your happy – i´ll live with whatever you decide”
This works well when choosing clothes, movies, dinner…
But when it comes to more serious decisions it´s limitting… because when you make decisions today with long term effects you have to consider your tomorrow before you make them. Trust me – I´ve bought and abandoned an apartment before and i´m still living with the after affects of a bad decision “If I knew then what I know now…”

So what do you do when you´re in a relationship and you need to make decisions with long term effects?
Do you live as if only today exists and opt not to invest in longterm projects for two because you don´t know if tomorrow things will be different…
Or do you trust in what you have today, believe it will last forever and build on that?
This isn´t to say that things can´t be resolved and divided when two people split up… but how do you build solid decisions on that possibility?
It may be wise to make decisions with a Plan B, but I find it exhausting to look over my shoulder at the possibility that things could go wrong.
I´d like to stick to Plan A and dedicate myself completely to it – if it fails, i´ll make a new Plan A.

In the meantime, I fall into comfortable routines, adopt someone else´s house as my home and fall completely and utterly in love with a family and a dog that I can´t consider mine – because it´s not gauranteed, it´s on loan.

It´s best to chew onions slowly…