Friday, February 20, 2009

In The Memory of Flávio Bento

Photosource: Unknown
It still hasn’t sunk in.
It’s still hard to swallow.
I can’t get him out of my mind and now I find him in my dreams – In most of them we’re both sitting on the train talking about life… we’re both good humoured and smiling in my dreams but I always wake up heartbroken wondering if I’ll ever shake this feeling of regret…

I met Flávio in one of the darkest moments of my career.
He’d just began working for the Outsource company that I helped manage back then and he just happened to catch the very same train home that I took each evening.
I didn’t work on the same floor as he did so I didn’t see him often during working hours, but when I did go into his environment, I always found him helping a colleague, clarifying procedures or simply motivating the person next to him.
Intelligent, there was nothing that I didn’t teach him in our weekly training sessions that he didn’t grasp almost instantly.
We became fast friends, it was so easy to like Flávio – he always had a smile on his face and he never hesitated to begin a conversation with anyone.
He always had something positive to say, something new and interesting to tell.
Even on my saddest evening trips home, he always managed to put a smile on my face and lift my spirits.

I finally changed my working environment and Flávios CV is one of those that I took with me, soon after we were working in the same building again…
Nothing changed, whenever I saw him he’d have that contagious smile on his face and we’d catch up on all the time we’d lost.
Flávio is that friend that you think of first when you go for coffee and want to invite good company along.
But I hadn’t thought of Flávio lately, I’d been busy and since I began working in a separate building, most of our latest conversations had been over the phone.
The last time I saw him must’ve been a month ago. We ran into each other one evening close to home – it had been a really pleasant surprise!

Our last conversation was two weeks ago, he’d called to invite me and my man for a drink that evening. I had plans and so he invited me out for coffee – I had work and so I blew him off telling him that if I got the chance I’d pop in for that cup of coffee.
I didn’t – and it’s a decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Flávio went into respiratory arrest and consequently into a coma a few days after that phonecall. Doctors says this happened during the night and the fact that his parents found him in the morning left an enormous gap in which he didn’t receive oxygen to his brain.
Flávio Bento was pronounced brain-dead on the 18th of February 2009 and after almost 10 days after being in a coma.
He was around my age.

I can’t wrap my head around it.
I simply can’t understand it.
He was fine… We spoke not too long ago… What the hell was God thinking?!...
Flávio had his whole life in front of him!
He was a bright kid, with vision and a passion for living. He loved cars and movies and music and his PSP. He loved spending time with his friends, he was everybody’s friend! Because he was the kind of person that never meddled in anyone’s business and accepted people for who they were.
Flávio is the kind of friend you keep for always….
Was… because he’s gone now.
The last two days I’ve been numb.
Incredulous – it still seems like a crazy story somebody made up.
I expect my phone to ring and have him invite me for coffee.
God, I wish I’d gone for coffee that day!
People keep telling me to let go of my regret, that if I’d known then I’d gone for sure.
All I know is that we’re all mortal, we too often forget that.
Too often, we take the people we care about for granted.
Too often we miss the opportunity to spend time these people.
I’m keeping the sweet memory of Flávio Bento in my heart as the angel that brightened some of my darkest days with his smile.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Too Tired for a Title....

Photosource: David J. Nightingale

I´m tired…
So tired that I risk falling asleep whilst writing these words.
It´s been three days of countless hours working on a two day training session which i´m not even halfway with.
11 hours of working against time.
Every now and then everything becomes fuzzy and I can´t make out the slides I´ve been working on.
Pressure - I need to get this done!
But there are moments I stare blankly at my work and can´t decipher what I know that I know like the back of my hand.
I´m tired…
When i´m not working, i´m working in my sleep.
Even eating has become too tedious, I never realised the effort it takes to chew.
I need to stop.
I need to sleep.
Soon the Centrum will kick in, the coffee will give me a boost and at lunch i´ll power up with a Redbull. And just in case I begin to lose gas, my evening snack includes an energy bar accompanied with an Actimel.
I´ll be on a buzz… I´ll be awake and alert
I´ll get things done and tomorrow I´ll do it over again and again so that 3 weeks work is done in 1.
I´m tired.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


I did it – I took a break and ate a Kit Kat.
I’m cranky, I’m moody and in a general bad mood.
I don’t give a damn that I betrayed my diet!
I couldn’t care less about the 228 calories that went straight to my thighs!
And I certainly don’t give a shit about the €0,80 I spent on it when I should be saving all my pennies.
Screw the long term consequences!
Chocolate is the only comprehensible, comforting, feel-good solution that can make me feel better on a shitty day like this one.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Six things about Me

Photosource: Sunshine "Kalash - Happy to be Alive and Free"

I never back down from a good challenge and although I got it in Portuguese, I’m sure Sophia won’t mind if I translate it to my mother tongue:

The challenge is:
- Link the blog that made the challenge
- Publish the rules of the challenge on your blog
- Write 6 random things about yourself
- Challenge 6 other bloggers to answer to the challenge
- Comment on those 6 blogger´s blogs

Six things about me:

I love waking up to the sound of the rain pouring down outside, just to bury my face deeper into the chest of the man that keeps me warm in his embrace and breathe him in deep. My man makes every other heartbreak in my life seem worthwhile.

I love the way Kalash adores me in the morning. The way she looks and loves me unconditionally. Despite how grumpy I might be, whether I’m happy, sad or even angry – she’ll still come to me in the hopes that I’ll pet her and give her some love.

I’m a fighter, a survivor and I’m prepared to endure whatever challenges life throws my way… But inside my hard nutshell is a heart that is intact, whole, trusting and loving that’s never stopped believing in the goodness of all things.

I’m most afraid of hurting the people I love.

I try not to get too attached – because it rips my heart apart every time I lose someone to distance or to disappointment. I hate to be so far from my family, I hate that the four of us are split up in four different countries. Sometimes it hurts so much as the day we had to say goodbye. Sometimes all I really need is to have them in front of me, to hear their voice, feel their embrace and to be able to breathe them in. Some days, their absence is simply unbearable.

I write, not for those who read the things I write. Not to make a statement or to mark my opinions. I write for myself, to express the things I live and to “hear myself think”.

I normally don’t answer to all writing challenges, but this particular challenge was simply irresistible simply because it genuinely challenged me. I was surprised at the first six things that came to mind. Having found this challenge so interesting, I extend the same challenge to the bloggers of the following blogs:

Na pele do Outro
Bute Nessa

Unresigned Spot
Mind Travels
Pieces of Me, Myself and I
Aberto até Madrugada