Monday, October 03, 2005

It Should´ve Been You

This morning as I awoke from my dream, I searched for you in my bed... but you weren’t there.

It was empty...
I still miss you. ... Nothing I do seems to fill this void.

I dreamt I walked my daily trip to the Metro in darkened morning silence. It seems like the rest of the world was still asleep as I descended into the underground. Beneath the world it was empty, there was no one to my left and to my right was only one soul sitting on the bench also waiting to be taken somewhere else.
Taking a closer look, I decided that he couldn’t be much older than I was and that only his damaging good looks ring the possibility of danger.
Considering my heart’s emptiness, I could see no harm in taking that risk so I sat down and smiled at the face that recognised my existence. He rewarded my friendliness by smiling back and I could hear the sound of a thousand female hearts breaking to the handsome face that stared back at me.
"You know... my dad warned me about girls like you"
Just what I needed... a flirt!
"Oh really? What kind of girl is that?"
Another smile that melts icecaps...
"The kind that steals your heart with a smile and never gives it back."
I couldn’t avoid smiling again and decided to let myself relax. A voice from inside reminded me that if I was going to move on with my life, If I’m going to forget you then I was going to have to start letting other people in...
So I included an introduction with my smile.
"You know, my dad’s warned me about guys like you too..."
"Oh really? What’s his theory?"
"They steal your heart without the intention of keeping it"
A smile quickly turned into a frown.
"Now why would a guy like me do a thing like that?"
"Why have one heart when you can have many?"
Uh Oh... here I was reflecting my fears, way to go to mess up a great first introduction! The gorgeous smile didn’t seem swayed though;
"What’s the worth of many if yours belongs to just one?"
We connected.

The next thing I knew, he held my hand as we walked down to a house near the ocean. Wherever it was that I was going that morning... it didn’t seem important now. Here I was with my prince charming and he was taking me to meet his father whose theory intrigued me.
I was lead to a veranda where an old man faced the ocean. My prince charming spoke something about getting us drinks leaving me alone with the powerful presence who’s back was to me. Suddenly the air grew cold; I sat down beside him afraid to disturb his thought.
"It should’ve been her."
I strained to hear him.
"I’m sorry, did you say something?"
"It should’ve been her." he repeated louder than before.
"Her? Her Who?”
Shocked, I stood motionless wishing my prince charming would appear and rescue me from the constraining atmosphere.
"I see you, and I feel her. The one I was supposed to be with. Your smile is her smile; your eyes are her eyes... How I miss her!"
Afraid but intrigued, I moved a little closer, unable to see his face in the shade but attracted to the sound of his voice.
"But she wouldn’t come to me. I didn’t go after her. We were fools. All the signs were there. We knew we were meant for each other, but we didn’t believe. It was too hard, we were too proud." Unable to ask questions, I merely listened... and understood. "We said life was too complicated... how foolish! We lived as if we knew what life had in store for us. Running from what we felt, convincing ourselves we were making the right decisions. Too much feeling, too few confessions. I miss her"
I felt my heart beat faster as he turned his face to me.
“I miss her like the deserts miss the rain.”
This old man who was playing my heart strings a song too sad to dance to, was threatening fresh tears into falling. I felt the panic rising.
Where was he? My prince charming that was supposed to rescue me from what I was feeling? Why was he taking so long?
I can’t suppress these feelings in the presence of this old man. Soon they’ll be stronger than me… I shouldn’t feel this way… I shouldn’t, but I do... but I mustn’t…
Under the watchful eyes I feel my soul attacked by a panic I can’t control and unable to listen to anymore, I stood up and walked towards the ocean leaving the old man with some feeble excuse. I could only manage to see the faint glimpse of what looked like a smile and it frightened me as much as his presence.The more I thought about the smile, the faster I walked until I was almost running. What on earth was I thinking? Behaving like that? What had gotten into me?!!

Eventually I talked some sense into myself, causing my pace to decrease as I allowed my surroundings to relax me… I must be losing my mind!
The wind picked up and the ocean’s waves became more violent. In the distance I could see a woman standing on a rock with her hair blowing around her shoulders. It wrapped around her like a silver silk shawl and worried that she might be in trouble, I went closer.
Afraid that any sudden movements might trigger her into jumping into the sea, I moved closer to her without a sound well aware that she had made note of my presence.
"It should’ve been him."
I suddenly felt suffocated… this must be a nightmare! No no… I told myself, any moment now my prince charming will rescue me. The old lady didn’t seem to hear my thoughts and continued…
"I loved him like no other, he made me happy and yet I ran from the unhappiness I thought he would bring me. That’s the thing about love honey; it’s like a see-saw where a smile and a tear play. He who has your heart has the ability to hurt you as much as make you happy. Scary huh?"
She smiled sweetly at me as she looked my way and I felt nauseous!
From far away I heard someone call my name. It was prince Charming! He was here to rescue me. She heard him too.
"Go ahead, you’ll go back, live a healthy life, have lots of babies and raise a family, living the life you always wanted… like the ones in the books your write... but he’ll always be on your mind. No amount of distance will change that"
I knew I had to be dreaming... I just had to be! How can they know about me, about you? I wanted to ask her…
Gone. I looked into the stormy ocean... she must’ve jumped in!
And from a far I could still hear my name being called.
Looking into the ocean I contemplated whether to jump in after her, she wouldn’t answer to my calling... we both would get killed!
And that’s when I saw it... In the midst of the waves I saw the pink bracelet floating and I knew...

I miss you.
I’m scared of this storm that’s brewing...
Scared of losing you...
Scared of losing me...
Just scared.

Give me something I can hold on to so that neither of us looks back at each other saying "It should’ve been you"


Anonymous said...

dkifbPassiveness always will lead us to regret something we didn't do at some point in our lives. Dreams can be the expression of our wantings, the ones we are too scared or too atached to social rules to allow ourselves to pursue.
This last weekend had two of those situations. A strange bed, a new town, and the same dream both times. I knew how she was, I knew what to say and do, and I was confident of her answer. And it happened. A simple touch of hands, the gentle brush of my fingertips trough her hair, eyes crossing filled with certainty and surrender, and finally, what should have happend a long time ago. Lips touching lips while arms and hands make their peace. Everything else is a blur, witch means that if dreams hold some kind of premonition, they keep it well locked. Or perhaps our subconscious concentrates in what's really important.
Sometimes you try going around someone and find yourself always comming back to the same point. Probably it will never stop until you make full circle.
We seem to keep waiting for safety nets, for that someone to reach out first. It can be one of two things. Power or fear. To be able to know the hand of cards of your opponent, or fear of getting hurt once again. I despise the first and i'm sick of the second. The Future will decide if I give myself a fair chance and start living my dreams and dreamming my life.


Luisa Singer said...

I cryed on this one my dear friend...
Never in my wildest drems I would even dream that you would pour out your heart like this n your blog. This is the real you, and you describe yourself and your emotions so well. I bound before such a richness of inside, such a pureness and I also relate to you. I understood every word, every emotion and the dream... I´ve had a similar one before... Twin souls!!
I´ve lived that dream, it´s scary but... unforgettable. Sorry that yours has his eyes shut. Mabe he needs to have "the dream"...
Love you always...

Anonymous said...

you're impossible! disturbing people this way! What about leaving us quiet and alone, with our happy little lives, leaving this kind of thoughts behind... doing what we are expected to do... or not... kekeufaçocontigo mulher? what life am I supposed to live? why do I feel so emotional about this? you're terrible! and sweet... and disturbing!

Chronis said...

And why not always want more?
Why not to full the cup?
Why not to leave for the door and to run each time for different goals more?
No, clearly that I don’t want to be like that! Somebody that doesn’t dream. Somebody that doesn’t want. Somebody that doesn’t abandon the comfort and the security. Somebody that doesn’t feel the heat to cover the veins to it and doesn’t fly in to the horizont, leaving backwards live coals of the asleep fireplace. Somebody that thinks that to live it’s only to breathe.
No! I want to risk and to try. I want to prove from the sun and to drink from the sea. I want to feel silence underneath the water and the sound of the wind. I want to run until getting tired and feeling tired of so much fondness. I want to be able to choose. To choose this or that. This one or that one. I want to choose enters the satin of sheets and the silk of your lips. The warm of the twilight and the chill of your skin. I want to be able to desire and to choose what I desire. I want to want.
And when I will not be able to do so, kill me, ‘cause therefore already it doesn’t have, in my chest, beating that is valid me.

Anonymous said...

hey sweety!! I wrote you a e-mail, but got no answer from you. Miss you a lot so I decided to write you a poem. Hope you like it. Kisses... Lou