Friday, December 30, 2005

Spending Christmas Solo

He sits staring at the full glass of whiskey.
There have been many changes through the years of his life but not the way he likes his whiskey.
He still pours it over a mountain of ice, filling the rest of the glass with water.
Some things should never change... the way he likes his whiskey is one of them.
He tries concentrating on the things he has do to. There are still DVD´s that need to be copied, covers that need to be printed and movies to be downloaded. He hasn´t yet put onto a CD that new movie that he downloaded about the haunted house. She´d like that movie for sure! She always liked things to do with the supernatural.
A lump comes into his throat as he remembers his daughter, she´d asked him to smile this Christmas but he was finding it hard to answer to her wishes.
A whole year has passed since he last saw her smile yet he sees it in his head as if it were yesterday.
A pile of the latest games lie on his table, they are copies that he made for people who ordered them to give to their children as Christmas gifts... All he wanted for Christmas was to see his boy´s face as he saw all the games Daddy would give him.
But neither of them were there.
It´s Christmas and all he´s got is the memories of the Christmas gone by.
He wanted to smile but all his face could give were tears of emptiness.

Dearest Daddy,
I thought of you all day, not just because it was Christmas day but because today, like any other day... I missed you.
I wanted to remember you with a smile of the wonderful memories you gave us last year but instead, I remembered you with a broken heart.
I would´ve smiled if I imagined you in the kitchen making our special magic stuff, the fig cake and the roasted chicken...
You would talk about Christmas in Madeira, the traditions and the memories you lived and I would feel you rememebering the same moments I was reliving with my brother.
I would´ve smiled knowing that you would smile everytimes you remembered me, every moment we shared as a family.
I would´ve smiled if you´d thought of me with a smile.
Instead I cried because I felt you crying... I felt empty because you felt empty.
Surrounded by people, I somehow felt all alone because I could see you, sitting in your chair reminiscing on your solitude; retracing all the steps that got you all alone in a big house. Bitter are the memories that once were sweet and the thoughts that once brought joy now are no more than painful reminders.
I cried because you cried and couldn´t think of you with the smile that I intended.
I miss you Daddy, not just today, not just on Christmas but everyday...
Everyday I wish you were with me;
Everyday I long for your presence.
I´ve learnt to miss you with a smile, instead of a tear because you are too special to be thought of with sadness.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

If you make the effort you will find there there are those who want to hear about how much you love your children, who care about you and who want to spend time with you regardless of what is on your mind! You will be happy and I will feel your love from across the ocean.
Please be happy so that I can think of you with a smile rather than a tear.
Even at this distance, time will never change how much I love you Daddy.

1 comment:

Patrícia Chaparrínho said...

That was beautifull, what you wrote to your dady, but so sad...
I know how it feels to be separated from the ones you love, expecialy at this time of year.It´s such a sensation of emptiness... kiss Lou