Tuesday, April 04, 2006

In Focus

They asked me what I wanted for my birthday...
I was to drop hints or grade suggestions so that on my birthday they could present me with the perfect gift… something that I truly wanted.
A perfume? The sweet fragrance kind.
Perhaps a book, something involving psychology or the paranormal
You can never go wrong with music – anything rhythmically Latin that I can either dance or sing to.
Something edible? Something Interactive? Something Wearable?
What is it that I want?

It frustrates me more than them that I can’t think up anything that I want or need. Sure there are things I’m saving up for; but the university degree, the apartment, the car and the trip to South Africa aren’t the kind of gifts your colleagues can afford. Nor are they the kind of achievements that I expect to receive on a silver platter. It seems that everything that I want is sitting on the list of goals I plan to accomplish with time, effort and hard work.
The one gift I want in life that I can’t give myself is the one gift no one can purchase for me…

Every year on my birthday and at Christmas, I ask the universe for an attainable gift. Last year I asked to broaden my horizons – I moved to Lisbon in September. The year before I asked for my father to visit me in Madeira – That was the best Christmas present I got. The year before I’d asked for my own home – I managed to invest in my very first apartment that very year. And while one could argue that I achieved all of the above goals on my own – I know in my heart and soul that I couldn’t have done it without help from my angels and the universe’s energy to my favour. Everything I ever achieved in life, I achieved because I have faith – I am nothing without it.

What do I want? Most people know – the psychology degree, the successful career, the home, the travelling – a million and one projects and ideas I want to try out and a million and one people I want to meet along the way. And then there’s my mission, the one where I make a positive difference in the lives of the people I come across, I want to be part of the reason their lives is easier and happier for having met me. These are the dreams I strive for and there’s not a doubt in my mind that I’ll achieve each and every one of the above-mentioned goals.

What do I want for my birthday?

A lady once told me that I’d marry at 23. I considered 23 to be too early an age to fit in with my life’s projects and I longed for the day in which I got to tell her otherwise. Tomorrow destiny and I prove her wrong. And though I should be proud that my life has been shaped by my will rather than by her predictions, for once in my life, I wish I were wrong.

I’d like that cute guy at work to notice me and invite me out to dinner. He could then prove my theory wrong that “interwork relationships don’t work” wrong and force me to break my vow never to get involved with someone I work with. Then there’s that theory that marriage in an outdated investment, fate would also have it that our wild and spontaneous imagination be the cause to earlier than planned parenting so that at adolescence, we could be young enough to be our children’s best friends. I want to travel with the same man by my side wherever in the world I go and snuggle up close to him at night. I want what nobody can buy, earn or fabricate. I want what I can’t build or control with my own hands or hard work. I want the family my father always dreamed of, the man my mother always hoped for and the love I’ve always wanted for as long as I can remember. Somehow all my other projects should be able do adapt around this one dream I can’t seem to forget.

I know that I’m not alone in the world desiring this old fashioned fantasy. I can practically feel the tension and knots in the throats of many that read this and can identify with my basic desire as a human being. I only want what ever other soul on this planet seeks… the need that we no longer consider basic and silence with all other ambitions. With myself included, I note that we deny what we most desire – aren’t we strange creatures.
This year I asked for the courage to write and share what I most find difficult to face and admit.
Then I asked for the strength to avoid the pain felt when the heart demands the filling of an empty space that can’t be filled by books, perfumes or CD´s. To resist the demeaning self-criticism resulting from unreciprocated love that causes an overwhelming sense of worthlessness, taking away the desire and meaning to living.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change those that I can and wisdom to know the difference”

For those of you in doubt, I didn’t ask to kill hope, my faith will never die…
I merely asked for the strength to ignore the temptation of chasing butterflies while I devote my attention on the destiny in which I can change.
Focus… I asked for power of focusing on what I have control over.

5 comments:

mixtu said...

Uma vida... muitas viagens, muitas experiências, muitos amores, muitos prazeres, muitos amigos, muitos desejos, muitos convites, muitas tentações, uma família, uma maneira de ser, uma maneira de ester, uma vida...
A vida é como uma escada... muitos degraus... o desejo de chegar rápido ao patamar onde estão os nossos sonhos, ou melhor, a realização dos nossos sonhos,
Mas essa escada deve ser subida ao ritmo da vida, não há pressas (depressa e bem, há poucos quem...) 24 degraus... muito poucos... mas vividos intensamente, por vezes ao ritmo lento, outras vezes rápido, como quando se faz amor...
Sonhas... viver é sonhar... desgraçado de quem não sonha... não vive...

Eu tive um sonho... sonhei que tu vais realizar o teu sonho, até lá não te magoes...
jinhos doces, teclados com muitos carinhos

Anonymous said...

24... so long ago... so different... when I was 24... not even half your experience, or wisdom... Be sure of one thing! U matter! to many... in several ways! keep beeing yourself, express your (our) doubts and feelings, be there! A Vida conspira a nosso favor! Be Happy! Never know what can come around the corner... for someone so...Carla!
KKK
W

Storm said...

What was that you used to say back in Highschool? "becareful what you wish for, it might just come true" I envy the lucky guy to get that right.

IceVsFire said...

humm..keres amor....porra e eu a pensar k se eu me embrulha-se em papel de present com um laço e aparecesse a tua porta ia ser suficiente pa ficares feliz...Pa ixo na posso dart o amor da tua vida...porra na consigo arranjar para mim kuanto fara para os outros..mas no entanto sei k acabars por encontrar o amor da minha vida nao pk tenho esperança nisso mas pk sei k geralmente as pessoas cm tu acabam sp por arranjar alguem a altura !!
beijos e....nao te precupoes pk no fim ...vai td correr bem!!
P.s.Ja visest ou ainda vais fsazer??

dreams said...

i prefer to dream a dream... than have something that i can control...

diferent goals? no
i fight for my dreams...
i want then to became true...

sweet kisses *
“·.¸Dreams¸.·”

p.s. when you wish upon a star... makes no difference who you are...
when you wish upon a star...
all your dreams came true...