Kalash

Photo Source: Sunshine

I love the feel of her…
The black, silky warmth that rubs up against my legs and begs for attention
She lays her head on my lap and looks up at me
Her big brown eyes are pools of tenderness
She asks for my friends and offers me her trust
I love the way she gives me all her trust
She closes her eyes as I rub her behind her ears and revels in the shared tender loving care.
To hold her is to embrace true love.
Pure…
Unselfish…
Whole…
She makes me want to be a better person.
Patient…
Trusting…
Playful…
We take care of each other, more than friends we're accomplices in the love we share for the same man.
The one that taught us to love entirely and unconditionally
She looks up to me and smile;
I so love it when she smiles and reveals the absolute joy inside sad eyes
It warms my heart and gives me the certainty that she feels what I feel
Knows what I know, reads my thoughts and shares my secrets.
She reflects them back to me each time she looks me in the eyes.

And as long as she's with me, I'm never alone.

In Comparison

Image Source: Amy Guip

There are certain pet peeves that each person hates having to confront.
I hate being lied to –
It's an insult and a waste of real time before the truth comes up.
I hate being continually interrupted –
It shows disrespect for what I have to say and provokes equal disinterest.
I hate being compared to other people.

When I was younger I hated being compared to my older cousins:
“Your cousin already knows how to make her own bed…”
“Why can't you ride your bicycle without side wheels like your cousin…”
“If so and so can do it, why can't you?”

My parents didn't realise that comparisons such as these had the opposite effect if their intent was to motivate me.
Feelings of failure and worthlessness only cause resentment.
It took me a long time to finally convince myself that the only person that I have anything to prove to is me.
The race is only with myself.
Once you've got this figured out, it becomes easier to ignore these kinds of comments be they from your friends, family or even your boss…
There's only one person's criticism that will always get you down no matter how much you fight it – your own.

Isn't it strange how you can be both your best friend and your worst enemy?
That at the same time that you pick yourself up, you bring yourself down…
That to quieten your own voice in your head is practically mission impossible.

This weekend, I faced one of the hardest comparisons I've yet had to compare myself with… the ex.
And although it seems easy enough to say “She’s the past, I'm the future” the truth is you find yourself magnifying all your flaws against her apparent perfection.
Crazy, but inevitable… because you want to measure up, because you want to be the better choice, worthy of his love.
On her territory, at an event of meaning, at a critical moment you realise that you can't compete with all the past moments they've shared.
There are just things that don't happen twice, those “first moments” that are only “first” once.
And although his friends tell you that you are the better choice, at a distance you wonder if they tell her the same.

Just as my head began to ache from the internal arguments that I repeatedly told myself were futile… I felt his hand beneath the table.
He put it in its usual place upon his leg and put his hand over it.
Even if he hadn't said a word the look in his eyes told me that he too had been taking his own measurements and was certain of the choice he’d made.
Over and over I was told in the smallest gestures that I'm the one…
It was in the way he looked at me;
The way he appreciated me from the corner of his eye;
How he held me to him on the dance floor;
It was in his kiss.

And it was his love that made all comparisons futile… because if he loves me for all that I am then it doesn't matter how I compare to anyone else.
He silenced all doubts when he said “I feel as if you were made for me.”

Plan B

Photo Source: Dan Heller

There are moments of pure ecstasy…
The ones that set you free to dream what you dare to dream without doubts…
Those in which you face the future with utter confidence..
And then suddenly…

The other moment…

Minutes before a car accident in Porto Santo, where I had my first experience (and hopefully last) with the exploding of an airbag; I had been jumping puddles in Calheta Beach with my little brother… blissfully happy.
After the accident my father turned to me and said “I knew something bad was going to happen – happiness is only momentary, something always comes along afterwards to screw it up”

It took me a while to shake those words… especially considering that happiness isn't everlasting. I came to the conclusion that neither happiness nor tragedy is everlasting… it can't rain all the time, and it isn't always raining.
However, the law of gravity states that what goes up… eventually comes down.

The other moment…
Is the feel of you coming down from the clouds… the realization that no matter how good things look, you're still on your own.
That no matter what you construct with others, plan B has always to be built on the foundation that you have to survive on your own, if all goes sour.

You can't go through life waiting for things to go wrong, and yet we live in times that force us to plan ahead for individual survival.
That’s life… That’s modern reality…

“Three men went sailing when their boats stopped in mid ocean. The negative man cried and prepared to die, the positive man sat and waited for the wind to blow again and the realist adjusted his sails…”

Even as a dreamer, I've never failed to be a realist… I can survive on my own, I dream of the day when I don't have to.

Time Warp

Photosource: Sunshine September 2006

At five you want to be big enough to dominate the jungle gym; time went by very slowly…
At fifteen you’ll be happy enough to dominate your body and mind; time just seems to stop and freeze frame…
At twenty-five you want to dominate time when you realise that there just isn't enough of it to do it all…

Have you ever felt the power of time travel? You hear that one song that takes you back to a moment fresh in your mind, so fresh you can practically touch, taste and smell the atmosphere around you…
You find yourself emotional, unstable, unsure of whether to feel what you felt then or to choose a new emotion…

Pure Emotion.

I registered on facebook.com and discovered old friends that I hadn’t spoken to in years… and face after face, name after name… it all came rushing back to me.
I felt five again as I looked for my cellphone and shifted weight from my toes to my heel and back again from the impatience suffered waiting for the other person to answer:
“Go register on facebook!” It was about the most intelligent sentence I could say.
And although my boyfriend watched me as if I'd lost all my marbles… the person on the other line knew exactly what I was feeling.

Old friends… the ones you make in Primary school. The ones that sang in the choir with you; played with you during breaks and can sing your old school anthem with you.
The ones that can literally sing back the words to the songs you knew.
The ones that know about the time you put the drawing pin under Mrs. Bolton’s chair, the ones that know the nicknames Mrs. Du Plooy gave us and the ones that still remember Mr Esterheizen´s wooden ruler and Mrs DuPlessis crooked fingers on overhead projector…
Friendship… it knows no time, no boundaries, no distance. It's like two ships that know that they'll see each other sooner or later at an unknown port.
People grow, people change and yet the friendship survives… even the weaker ones, the ones you weren’t even sure that they were your friends at all.
All it takes is that connection, that signature of someone who was witness to a moment in your life.

High school, some call it a nightmare, others call it the best years of your life… whatever you call it, it shapes you, defines you… allows your to choose the foundations of the person you want to be.
That person will change… the foundations will stay.
To reconnect with someone you knew back then is like looking at an old photograph that forces you to reflect on the things that changed you to the person you are today.
At first you see each other as you were seven years ago and then you search your brain for the words to explain that you're a different person than the one they remember…
Different, but still the same…

Sometimes you need to look back, remember who you were to understand who you are. It's in the least… emotional. I learnt from smoked mirrors not to dwell on the past, but I know it's a part of who I am. It's how you look at it that makes all the difference.
Interiorize the lessons learnt; keep the moments that made you smile and let go of all the rest…

I feel blessed, lucky to feel that connection and happy with the person I've turned out to be.