Friday, November 20, 2009
After many years of dealing with family drama and conflict, I decided that when I had one of my own I would not tolerate such behaviour.
Nothing is more humiliating that a public display of displeasure or disagreement.
And so, when such moments arise I opt for either ignorance or silence to avoid the conflict until a later date when things can be discussed.
But silence can be interpreted in many ways and as of late I’ve discovered that it is more often interpreted as stubbornness than resignation.
Too often I’ve resigned myself to other people’s wishes to avoid conflict, I find it easier to let go of my personal wants than to battle it out with the person that wants something different.
I realised today, what a huge mistake that is.
Unless you advertise every little choice that you make towards other’s wellbeing, people will always be too self-involved to acknowledge your effort. They take for granted all the time and decisions you give up for them and label you as ungrateful the minute you decide they can’t have that moment because you want one of your own.
Worse, the more you give up your choices, time and opinions – the more resentful you become.
Recently I evaluated how much of my time I actually invest in myself and was shocked with how little I do for myself these days.
Angry, mostly with myself for having allowed myself to reach such a point.
If people are walking all over me, it’s my fault for having let them.
I believe I’ve had my epiphany.
It came to me as I realised at the peak of my exhaustion that nobody gave a damn if I lay down on the floor and fell asleep right there.
I have a choice and I should be choosing to do the things that make me happy.
I can’t make other people happy if I’m not happy myself.
As for the silence – to avoid being misinterpreted I’ve decided to start telling people exactly how I feel and what I think.
At least if they don’t like it, they’ll know exactly what to judge me for.
Harmony is overrated – it’s for submissive people who like having their identity dictated.
It’s time I give strength to my voice.