The Perfect Guy - Never rubs you up the wrong way
Have you ever had a conversation where you look at the person in front of you wishing that they’d simply shut up! When every word your hear is worse than the other and you try and control your nerves as you watch the idiot in front of you dig his own grave with every sentence uttered from his mouth.
Flipping channels from the comfort of my own living room, I was startled by my cell-phone ringing. It was close to bed time and I wasn’t exactly in the mood for the name on my call display, but I hadn’t wished him a Happy New Year yet and considering that one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more tolerant and forgiving, I decided that a small conversation with him wouldn’t kill me. I kindly declined his invitation for coffee whilst putting on another pair of thick socks - no way was that boy dragging me out at midnight for a cup of coffee! He’d probably give me that sob story again about his mother being ill and how he was suffering inside. It was way past working hours and in case this boy hadn’t heard… this Therapist is on official vacation!
My acupuncturist’s words began haunting me the minute I put the phone down. Have I become judgmental? Yes, I suppose lately it’s helped to keep unwanted company away. It had been a while since I’d seen this friend of mine, one cup of coffee wouldn’t hurt… and before I knew it, my heavy conscience conceded to one drink when he called insisting with me for the second time.
Well, I thought, it couldn’t be all that bad, this time round we wouldn’t be alone so he wouldn’t unload all his imaginary problems on me. My friend had informed me that he intended on introducing a work colleague of his that was also South African and who was very keen on meeting me.
I regretted my decision the minute the car pulled up. Looking at the slightly alcoholically influenced pair of eyes, I reminded myself again of my New Years resolution before finding the courage to get into the car. My friend’s friend is every girl’s nightmare… the guy that just doesn’t have a clue! I imagined Chronis, a good friend of mine, sitting next to me and saying “Oh well… see this as material for our book”. Let’s just say that after this evening, I probably have enough practical experience to write at least 10 Chapters of: “Why men are the inferior species!”
To obtain a proper analysis, first take a full physical analysis before dissecting the remainder of the specimen. Observe the sly smile with intent on manipulation. The fact that his teeth show lack of calcium is evidence of his chain smoking and may be evidence to excess of alcohol consumption. Diluted pupils confirm the excess of alcohol consumption and failure to recognize this fact is a good indication of an either inflated ego (usually resulting from inferiority complex) or bad habits. Bad habits are born from chronic fatigue (laziness) and are accustomed to go hand in hand with irresponsibility.
The dirt under his fingernails indicates lack of hygiene once again indicating chronic fatigue or a phobia for cleanliness. Discovering that they hadn’t just come out of work eliminated the possible excuse of such evidence and the fact that his profession is a barman also tips the scales towards lack of personal hygiene.
Moving onto the intelligence... or what little our specimen carries, we can classify him as:
Slick but not sly… you can identify the lack of intelligence from the choice of conversation. To directly jump into relationship talk on a first meeting is to cry out depravation. We can back this theory up with the fact that the choice of destination was on a coffee spot near the beach and with the strategic romantic music in the car, hoping to build some kind of atmosphere… the fact that he stopped at a gas station to buy gum can also indicate a hidden hope that he might get a kiss by the end of the night.
Change of tactics can only work when done intelligently. The fact that our guy changes his tactics from building a home and family to future travel plans in the space of merely ten minutes indicates convenience tactics (more commonly known as manipulation: the art of eluding to obtain desired response from the person you’re trying to con). Either our guy is an inexperienced manipulator or he simply doesn’t know what he wants out of life. At 32 this indicates lack of ambition, drive, and self-motivation and once again reads back to low self-esteem.
A man who cannot catch a direct hint can be called clueless. The fact that a person moves away when you move close should clearly indicate that they do not wish you to invade their personal space and you should henceforth either stop or move back to your original position. To touch their face is to directly provoke their defenses and a sharp slap to the hand is a direct indication of failure to integrate or reach a common ground. This is usually the part where a normal man backs up and gives up the approach, however please keep in mind that our specimen is descendant of the numbskull with inability to catch direct hints.
Placing my forehead in my hands I decided to break my New Year’s Resolution and put this guy out of his misery. Deciding that he was never going to catch any of my direct hints I decided to be as blunt as rock and let him have it full force just before giving my amused friend an apologetic look. What set my volcano to blow? Picture a guy telling you that you will not obtain your future goals of evolution, that you’d stay put where you were and that you’d probably end up dating him! All of this, just after he reminds you that you’re not getting any younger and that at 22 you should be thinking of settling down.
To any thick ignoramus that ever tries this tactic: I strongly suggest you read this column before even attempting this type of conversation with me! I will not tolerate further insult such as the above and the next asshole that gets cute with me will get a full fist punch in the eye! Ahem… consider that a warning! (And they say I can’t stick to my New Year’s resolutions… At least now I give warnings!)
I do not consider myself fit for settlement until I have studied my field of interest and graduated with the diploma necessary to progress my career to the top possible position of the corporate ladder. In the meantime, I do not feel that a relationship is compulsory or needed unless it’s a mutual liaison where both parties contribute and benefit, anything less is a waste of time. For this to be a fair bond, my partner would have to be able to do, give, sacrifice and risk everything that I’m capable of…
At this point our moron drops his jaw and asks “That’s a lot to ask for! I’m not sure I can do all the things you can, does this mean I’m out of your league” I did not justify that question with an answer. Instead I smiled and nodded.
“You know! You’ll never find a man on this island with that attitude (Gee, I could’ve sworn I told him that in the beginning of our conversation), and just you watch! You’ll fall in love and change your mind and conform to the island and its mentality all in the name of love!”
At this point my insides boiled and it took all the strength in my body not to make contact with his jaw with my fist. I bit my lip to prevent my instinctual explosion and proceeded to explain why he shouldn’t harbor any expectations with me.
A man to win my love and affections, My man… wouldn’t be so stupid to attempt to manipulate me. My man is intelligent and a thirst for self-evolution as I have and enough respect for others not to contradict their ideas or dreams. No love will keep their partner from their goals or dreams or tie them down. My man has self-respect and enough confidence to know what he wants and doesn’t want out of life. He probably doesn’t exist on this island, he might not even exist at all, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever settle for less. I’m demanding and yes I ask a lot from a man but only because I’m worth a lot and I only ask what I’m capable of complying with. If you think you’re out of my league, guess what, it’s probably because you are!
On the way home, I was once again bombarded by guilt. I had a slight hope that perhaps this poor specimen for the male species hadn’t understood a word I’d said, most probably he’d forget everything I told him the minute I closed the car door. However… just in case my words had touched base and hurt, I felt I owed him an apology. But before I finished, I was stopped with recognition. He recognized that he wouldn’t see me again and that he needed some work before becoming a more decent man worthy of a woman. Had I made a difference for some future Mrs. Idiot? We wished each other luck… and love and probably hoped we’d never have to see each other ever again lest it be from a distance.