Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Saudade

Picture source: Unknown

There’s no translation for it.
It’s the feeling felt when you miss someone, someplace so bad that it tears your heart apart.
Distance is life’s ultimate punishment
Your heart keeps that person close but your arms are too far to reach them.
Last night I went through facebook profiles and photos of people I knew…
The fact that I say I “knew” them in past tense is because distance has made sure that I no longer know who they are.
People change, grow and evolve… if you’re not there during this time, you’ll miss out on who they’ve become.
I sighed in awe as I compared the physical changes in the people I went to school with, some of which I haven’t spoken in years.
Doctors, lawyers… some of them became exactly what they said they would.
Others went in the exact opposite direction.
Nostalgia… the feeling felt on remembering and missing the past.
Nostalgia isn’t Saudade… Saudade is something else, something much deeper.
Saudade is what I felt when I saw my friends in their wedding dresses.
Saudade is what I felt on seeing pictures of their first children.
Saudade is what tore apart my heart at seeing pictures of the moments I said I’d be there for.
Because when you’re young you believe that nothing can tear friendship apart and that you’ll be there for every important moment in your friend’s life… and I wasn’t.
I wasn’t there for them and they haven’t been here for me.
Not that they haven’t been there in heart, I’m sure they were there in spirit…
But nothing takes the place of seeing that smile, hearing those words and feeling that embrace… Saudade.
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried the absence of what I left behind… friends, good friends… amazing people that life gave me the pleasure of meeting and which I left when I moved away.
They say it gets easier, they say you move on…
With the years you miss them less, you think about them less…
But then one night you remember them and your heart breaks as hard as the day you left them behind.
I don’t regret my decisions in life.
I just wish I could keep all my friends close by.
I miss you.

7 comments:

Luis Sardinha said...

You have "saudade" from your other friends but if you staied with them you'll never know your other friends that you've made here.

This feeling that you want spend time with someone and you can't happens also to me and I always lived in the same place.

See this from the good side. True friends last forever and now you have the double of it.

I know this doesn't help but you can always have my hug and my kisses to dry your tears.

Sunshine said...

Baby, your hugs and kisses keep me sane!
I´ve said it before and I´ll keep saying it over and over: you make every heartbreak seem worthwhile just to be able to be with you.
I love you.

fieryfairy said...

very touching!

I am in a similar situation as I have travelled lots and have many very good friends who live very far away. Still, I try to see the positive side: I am glad that I have known them and I am glad that we still keep in touch somehow. Imagine life before the net!

I have also missed other friends' weddings which I find sadder. I just hope that the occasional message will be enough to show them that they were special for me in a way.

Storm said...

I miss you too Sunshine.

Clairvoyant said...

Heck, you know you can´t always get what you want. Life leeds us from place to place. The feeling you describe has a translation in other languages too, missing something, somewhere or someone isn't a previlege of portuguese people. They just call it something else.
The heart tho, has it's own language and doesn't need to name it's feelings.
You've always told me that you were on a journey, and most of the time I felt you where moving ahead and seeing what gives.
The downside of moving along is that that eventually you leave something behind.
You're strong enough to hold on, and now you have someone to help you get by.

Sunshine said...

FieryFairy: Thank-you so much for the empathy. I believe that all it takes is the desire to comprehend someone, but it takes going through the same situation to truly feel where that person is coming from.

Storm: "...you´ll never know just, how much I miss you..."

Clairvoyant: Moving ahead doesn´t imply that you don´t apreciate what you´ve left behind - somethings are worth going back for, in my case - returning to, ever so often.

Clairvoyant said...

I never said you or anyone would not apreciate what was left behind. Going back is never the less moving along. No matter how many turns you make in your life, you are on a one way trip. Just keep enjoying the sights and the friends you make along the way. Whenever you remember a friend you don't see for some time, you are visiting him in your heart.

have a merry xmas and do post more often.