Monday, January 05, 2009

Truth Hurts

Photosource: Unknown

Sometimes, when people try to defend you or protect you, they just manage to hurt you even more.
I sat inbetween old friends when he appeared smiling.
We hadn´t spoken in a while and the last few times that we had, the atmosphere of discomfort had been lifted.
Despite the history, we´re still friends – things might not have gone back to the way they were, but we managed to recover enough of the connection to retain the friendship.
More important than who he was, is who he is: my friend.
Upon his arrival, someone decided to come to my “rescue”
“What are you doing here?”
“You shouldn´t be here!”
“You´re the reason she left!”
“She has a real man in here life now… go away!”

Under normal circumstances, I would´ve put a stop to this kind of verbal abuse the moment it began – but I was speechless.
Every word said had been felt by my heart at some point in life…
My defender didn´t know, but it felt like he´d taken the pages of my diary and read them out loud.
I wanted to tell him to stop… but I knew that if I said one word, tears would follow.
So I didn´t… and instead sat silent and listened as my friend was crucified.
He said nothing.
He just kept on greeting the rest of the group as if it had nothing to do with him.

Every word felt like a blow to my soul.
It probably hurt me more than it hurt him.
But I didn´t ask to be “defended” or protected – if that was the case I would´ve stood up for myself.
What was once forgiven has been let go and no one has the right to bring it up all over again.
When I finally found my voice, I demanded that my “defender” stop.
“Don´t defend him when he did what he did to you!”
I tried to deny it, I tried to wave it off but my efforts just made it worse.
It´s as if I was forced to relive it all over again.
I was grateful, when finally someone took me away…

Towards the end of the night, I found my friend.
The event seemed not to have affected him and perhaps I should’ve left it at that.
But I felt that what happened wasn’t right and I felt the obligation to say something.
I apologised for what happened -
No one had the right to judge him.

I´m sorry.

If I could turn back time, if we could do it all over again - maturity tells me we should have done it differently.
But if you ask my heart, it will tell you that it would repeat it all the same…
Because it was the road I needed to take to be with the man that i´m with today.
The experience I needed to be the woman I am today.

I´ve done a lot of things in life that i´m not particularly proud of.
It´s enough that I remember each and every one of them like they happened yesterday, to need someone to remind me of them.
We are already our own harshest critics – no one needs their nose rubbed in their own mistakes and criticism is only welcome when it´s objective is positive reinforcement.
Before making judgement, ask yourself if you too are prepared to be publicly flogged for your sins.
Karma isn´t being punished for the things we do wrong – it´s what we go through in order to avoid making the same mistake twice.

More than the important than the facts is understanding and empathy.
The truth is subjective and harsh when there´s nothing you can do to change it.


Storm said...

The way I see it, some people get exactly what they deserve

Sunshine said...

Do they really? =) All I know for certain is that it´s not for us to judge.

Clairvoyant said...

Ghosts from the Past, Sunshine? Sometimes they make their appearance. Everyone learns to deal with them, in one way or the other. Is it that I see clearly through you? Or maybe you've explained well enough. I might be wrong, but it seems you are having a bit of a conflict in your feelings.
Can it be that in your heart you craved some sort of poetic justice? Alas, the Sunshine I think I know comes kickin' in and can't stand to see anyone hurt, even if it's herself.
You've always known how to answer to your own questions. It's your feelings that cloud your judgment, just like to most of us. Take your time letting go of the Past. When you break with the Past to fast, often something important is left behind, to which you will have to go back to.

Sunshine said...

I´m happy to be able to tell you that this wasn´t a question of letting go of the past... thankfully it´s water under the bridge for quite sometime now.
I guess it´s just a question of not wanting to witness anyone being crucified for their mistakes.
I wouldn´t want to be constantly reminded of the bad decisions I´ve made in my life.