Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Photosource: Unknown

I can’t focus.
Normally in a crisis I’m able to concentrate on my work and distract myself from what is bothering me but I can’t seem to wrap my mind around anything else besides that my dad is in an operating theatre and in the worst of circumstances could have his foot amputated.
One of diabetes’ effects is gangrene due to the lack of circulation to your limbs – google it and you’ll see the horror of it for yourself.
I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I reminisce on the possible consequences – right now the only thing that’s bothering me is that I’m here instead of there beside him.
I just want to be there – I know it wouldn’t medically make a difference but it would make it psychologically easier on both me and him.

I’m apologize.
I meant to write about the wonderful things I’ve been living lately. There’s so much to say that I never know what to write about first and then I end up not writing about it seeing as something else equally interesting happens.
Life has been good to me and I decided that living the things worth writing about was more important than getting to the writing part – hence the abandonment of this space.
But I’m still here – I still have great things I want to right about, I just haven’t gotten round to it to the satisfaction of the people who care about me and know that the absence isn’t just due to the ironing of clothes that keep piling up.

They say that the greatest of writers give of their best work when they’re depressed because it forces them to reach into their souls.
I’ve never agreed with that – I believe that you can reach into your soul at any period in your life and express whatever phase you’re in.
But I’m not a great example – I’ve been too happy to write and today when I’m sad is when I feel the desperate need to write about what’s going on in my head.
I don’t write for anyone else but for the need to “hear myself think”.
I’ve missed writing.

Do you know what I hate about life?
That it brings your world down on your head causing utmost devastation – and yet it doesn’t give you the chance to pick yourself up before moving on.
The world keeps spinning and if you want to survive you have to keep on you own two feet even when your knees hold no strength and simply want to buckle.
It’s tearing me apart because I can’t be with my dad and yet I still function; I work; I sort out other of life’s daily problems; I ponder about my upcoming air conditioning installation and I even plan a day at the beach this weekend…
We develop poker faces to the point that sometimes we lose the notion when to stand firm and when to fall apart.
I’m at neither of these points –
I’m just sad and with the desperate urge to be beside my dad.
Update 29/06/2009:
Dad is doing well, they only cleaned up the infected part and he´ll probably be able to go home today. I´m relieved and thankful to everyone who gave me support and had my dad in their thoughts and prayers.


mixtu said...

we lose the notion...

abrazo serrano

Clairvoyant said...

I must get back to this post later on when I get the time and focus to read it thoroughly.

I've been missing your company, my friend. Expect a message from me soon, maybe we can schedule up a cup of coffee or something and introduce each others better half.

Keep hanging in there. You'll come through.

Sunshine said...

Mixtu: It´s good to hear from you =) Thanks for the hug.

Clairvoyant: Let me know when you have an opening for that cup of coffee - it´s about time we caught up with each other! =)

Clairvoyant said...

It's been a long night at work, and the Sun is rising on the horizon. I got the time to come to your blog, but I'm too tired to be poetic.

It's no secret that it pleases me that you have a good relationship with your dad, in spite of all you have told me went on between you two. It wouldn't be the same if it where me. Call me vindictive if you will, but with me what goes around comes around, and eye for an eye. And you now that it was like that in my case.

Anyway, what's important here is that you must be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and your heart must be felling less squized now. Hope your dad gets a speedy and full recovery.

There was one thing that caught my attention in your post, the poker faces. Let me fill you in my perspective: life is too rich in stimulations and possible focus of attention for us to deal with them all. Also, people aren't all nice and right. In order to make some sense of your life and to protect yourself from harm, you have to become selective sooner or later. Call it poker face, or not being a sucker, whatever... the result is about the same. You've developed a surviving instinct, one that keeps you functional in face of adversity. And believe me, that is a great quality. Short sighted people might not agree, but the poker face doesn't necessarily transform you into an insensitive bitch. It's what keeps you reasoning while a friend in distress fails to do the same, and reach out with a helping hand. You of all people know that sitting togheter crying on each other's shoulders might be comforting but it solves nothing.

I still want that cup of coffee. Mail me so we can schedule it.

Sunshine said...

Someone once told me that the people that hurt you the most are the people you most care about - if you didn´t care about them, you wouldn´t care and therefore they wouldn´t possess the capacity to hurt you. My dad isn´t easy - but I love him and that condemns me to doing everything I can for his welfare and wellbeing. I wouldn´t compare this relationship to anyone else´s though - I´m a firm believer that a relationship is made up of two people and only they can know it´s worth. Some people simply shouldn´t have children. Love and respect is something earned and not something with which you bear right just because you´re a parent.