Friday, January 23, 2004

When a man loses the right to be called a man.

Today’s post is a little different than the usual. I received an e-mail that drew more than one emotion from me… I decided that my response goes out to more than just this person. I’ve also decided that you are all now free to share your opinions with me about what I wrote. Agree with me or prove me wrong… for those who don’t have my e-mail addy:

I received the following e-mail from a 33yr old friend that I’ve known for a very long time… whom I consider a great friend and a worthy person:

“…I’ve decided not to commit to _________. I think things are fine just the way they are, so I’ve decided not to mess with them. I don’t see us getting married being necessary. It’s not that she doesn’t make me happy, but I’m not sure that I want to settle down yet. She’s not being very understanding and now she’s giving me the silent. Sometimes I think we don’t want the same things and she decides to leave. I hope that doesn’t happen, I love her and we make a good pair together…
…After living nearly three years together, she should know me well enough by now that I’m not good at expressing my feelings. Why are women so insecure? Why do they have to analyse every little thing? Doesn’t she understand that if I’m with her it’s because I want to be? Why then must I keep repeating myself?…”

I feel that it is my duty as your friend to be honest and direct with you. You might not want to speak to me afterwards but this is the closest I’ll get to shove a big mirror in your face! (not to mention you’re lucky I’m too far away to hit you over the head with it!)

Forgetting your age, what are you doing in a relationship if you don’t mean to commit to it? Do you realise that the person standing by you is there because she believes that you two have the capacity to make each other happy and see each other through this life? You judge her on her constant necessity to define things but doesn’t she deserve to know where she stands with you? Who are you to look down on her insecurities when you yourself cannot define what you feel? What is it that you want from this woman? Sex? Cooked meals? Washed clothes? Love? Is it love you want? Why do you want her heart if you don’t mean to look after it? The biggest crime a man can commit is awaken a woman’s heart without the intention of loving her.

I’m pretty sure she has the faults but I can’t blame her for her insecurities when you can’t be honest with her about how you feel. That isn’t immaturity you’re seeing, that’s the insecurities you bring out in her! You can’t expect her to read your mind, you can’t assume she knows how you feel if you don’t say the words! You say you don’t think you want to settle down yet? What does a relationship have to do with your independence? Isn’t love the road that you walk next to each other? Who said anything about giving up on your dreams? Don’t you want to create dreams with her? You can’t blame love for your lack of courage in other areas of your life!

I’m shocked that such a wonderful, intelligent and caring person as you is capable of making another human being suffer this way. I know you’re better than that! You’re the greatest friend a girl can have… but… you’re a selfish man who needs to figure out what is it that you want out of life. Do you love her? Do you really? If you don’t then you need to walk out and give her a chance to be happy with someone else… if you do then you better start admitting it. Open your heart and let her in! Isn’t this the woman you come home to every night? Don’t you want to spend the rest of your life waking up to her face in the morning? I can’t tell you what to feel, only you will know that but I can tell you that you better figure it out fast because one of these days she will walk out the door… she will walk out your life and you will never know if the two of you had the chance to love and happiness. She deserves better than the way you’re treating her now.

This is my response to you my friend, forgive me for publishing something this intimate but after looking around me, I could point many men (and women) with your current attitude. Friendship is not a good enough reason to stay together. Comfort is not a good enough excuse to hang on… Love is the only valid reason for two people to be together, any other reason is simply an excuse, a crime. If you haven’t found what you’re looking for… don’t take away the other person’s chance to be with the right person!

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