Altered State of Mind…

I am writing to all of you at 4:15 in the morning and very heavily under the influence of alcohol. I didn´t have a lot to drink but whatever I drank was enough to send me to cloud nine and back. The last time I got this drunk was when my grandfather died, I can´t say that I had any specific reason to get drunk tonight... let´s just say that antibiotics and alcohol don´t mix well.

I went out with a group of friends in search of a good time. I went to a place where I love to dance, a place that holds many good memories... a place that was missing my pregnant friend and her cousin, along side the lead singer that obviously left a huge void in the band. Kept company by really great people, I thanked God for my youth and the oportunity to make the best of it.

I felt a little self conscience and tried to concentrate on translating from english to portuguese and vice versa. I began really enjoying myself once we got on the dancefloor and then the alcohol started kicking in... I didn´t mean to drink more then I could handle. I didn´t mean to loose to control... I just needed release... release from stress and routine... the kind of release that only music, alcohol or sex can give...

Tomorrow morning, both sides of my family will know what I was wearing and what I had to drink... walking past a cousin ensured me of that... but she didn´t see any more or less of me... she simply saw another side.

Before I knew it, I had my uncle´s best friend flirting with me and as usual, even in my altered state of mind, I ended up turning things around so that he played the vulnerable victim and I played his psychologist. Men are all the same, they think all women need to be rescued, and when one women lifts up the mirror, they realise that they´re the ones in need of rescueing. I guess that´s what I´m good at... giving out good advice...

By the end of the night, I could hardly see my feet. I tried to concentrate on the music and the people around me but the music stopped making sense and when I took a good look, I was already surrounded by trouble. I was left responsible for showing an outsider a good time but even though I tried to warn her against temptation, she had her arms around him faster than I can say “don´t”...

Out of place, out of beat... alcohol has a way of making everything seem right... and then everything seem so wrong... I felt surrounded by trouble and decided to make an exit before something happened beyond my control. I searched for the only responsible face in the crowd and asked him to keep an eye out for the newcomer... His face was the only face recognisable, the look in his eyes was the only thing that made sense and my strongest desire was to put my arms around him and say “please get me out of here”... something I would´ve done if the future girlfriend wasn´t around.

What I´ve learnt from all of this?.... Nothing... absolutely nothing!

I already knew that mixing drinks would cause this chemical reaction in my body, dodging wise asses also wasn´t new and avoiding the “nice” guy that just wanted to walk you safely home, was peanuts...

I wish I could leave you with something positive... something worth reading about but I can´t really think of anything. Sometimes a girl just needs to let go... to force time to stop and let her soul and heart take control of her body... It´s 4:30am... and I have no regrets... every now and then, we need to let go.