Saturday, April 10, 2004

As Good As It Gets.

Why is it that we so often rely on other people to tell us wether we´re doing okay or not? Isn´t your best good enough? How do you know when you´re on the right track?

When I look around, I see a crowd of people who battle to survive as individuals. Their faces that look at me show insecurity and their eyes seek approval. Whenever I meet someone new they always sell me their best attributes as if I was the judge to a contest they needed to win. Guys, girls... this vulnerability doesn´t choose a sex and everybody knows “what it´s like” when you feel that you´re just not good enough.

What do you tell yourself when you look in the mirror and know that you´ve given it your best but your best wasn´t good enough?

In life there are times that no matter how hard you try, you feel like you aren´t able to accomplish your goals. Be it that exam that you studied night and day for and didn´t pass. That job interview that you spent hours preparing for but didn´t get. Perhaps it was that person you so desperately tried to impress and that ended going home with somebody else. You end up looking in the mirror and wondering where it went wrong.

Maybe I didn´t try hard enough...
Maybe I was born a loser...
Did I say something wrong?...
I always make that same mistake...
I´m just not good enough.

We tear ourselves down worse than any storm could. We try to make excuses for ourselves or even place the blame on someone else and convince ourselves that there must be a logical explanation to why we don´t succeed. And when our minds can´t take anymore questions and criticism we sit on the cold floor of our bedrooms and cry. Failure has become unacceptable.

Who sets the guidelines? Where did this book of right and wrong came from? To whom are we comparing ourselves to? When did we become so demanding of ourselves? I could ask a million of these questions and perhaps answer them as well. I could give you all advice on how boost your self confidence and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. But it won´t prevent you from having these moments. This is what makes us human, this is what drives us to do and become better.

Lately i´ve been feeling very insecure. I look at the life i´ve constructed and wonder if it wasn´t all just dumb luck that i´ve had so far. When I look at the future that i´m headed towards, I dread the possible failure and fear the loss of my independence. The girl I last saw in the mirror was scared and insecure. My brain registers a million and one things that can go wrong and my heart whispers fear into my ears. These are my moments of vulnerability. There are moments when I look at the ocean and tell myself that I don´t know what i´m doing, when I look up at the sky in despair of feeling that i´m doing it all wrong. Sometimes you can´t take another step up the ladder simply because you feel you can´t get up there, or simply because you´re afraid of falling down. I know i´m on the right road, but then again... by what whose guidelines am I living and if i´m doing it as I should, why do I feel so insecure. Why do I feel like i´m not good enough... like my column isn´t good enough?

Perhaps it´s the loneliness that makes me vulnerable, it´s ironic that I´d have it no other way. God only knows that i´m guilty of setting high expectations of myself and tend to punish harshly when these are not met. Or maybe my self conscious is right when it tells me that i´m not good enough. I only feel worse for being angry at myself for feeling this way. Self pity is the weakness I most despise! And the fact that i´m alone gives me silent relief of there not being anyone around to see me like this. I´m waiting to hit rock bottom because only then will my hero save me...

My Hero(ine)

I know of a heroine that knows whenever i´m in trouble. She might not always arrive on time but she seems to always be able to rescue me just before I fall into the abyss. She wipes away my tears and forces a smile on my face. I can always count on her to be strong and remind me of the courage that sits in my heart. When I doubt myself, she reassures me. She stands by me when the rest of the world walks away. When the world looks at us, it´s her face that they see. I wouldn´t know where i´d be without her and I often wish I could believe in her as much as she believes in me. This special hero sits in the heart of everyone. It´s the person you can depend on to rescue you whenever you´re in trouble. That person is you; my hero is me.

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