Thursday, September 02, 2004

Biding My Time...

The cool air in my bedroom is a contrast to the rising heat outside. The lights are kept off so that no ounce of heat disturbs the cool atmosphere and the only streaks of light are the patterns on my wall made by the shutters of my window and the lights from the street outside. My bed looks and smells like the perfect bed out of a fabric softener commercial and the only missing element is… sleep, and that fact that I’m not getting any.

Everything and Nothing at all.

The thoughts that go through my mind are reruns of ideas that have already been screened. The problems that I could possibly have aren’t really problems if you consider that a problem is only that to which hasn’t been found a solution. I already have answers to my doubts and solutions to my problems, all I have to do is wait for the right time to make my decisions… and so I wait… and I wait… and time goes by slowly.

Life is once again trying to teach me the lesson I hate learning most… patience. A lesson that is learnt more than once, it seems that just when we think we’ve learnt it, we’re shown that we still lack it. Patience is time’s favourite ally and it teaches us to wait for the things we want, only then can we give them true value.

Aries of a fiery, ambitious and determined nature… there is always a project up my sleeve, an idea to try out… something I need to accomplish. Is there any wonder to how such a person can go mad if you take away all of these things to do? All the battles are won, all the problems are under control and all I have to do is to sit back and watch life turn a page on this stage of my life and begin a new chapter. I feel like a voyager travelling by ship who knows that much will have to be done once arriving at my destination but that until then I’m powerless to begin my tasks. So I stand on deck and look to the horizon, struggling to see any sign of land, of my new beginning. My mind reorganises a million times the things I’ll have to do once I reach port but it cannot advance on any of those things while the ship still sails. Instead, I’m supposed to look at the stars and make the most of my surroundings.

The clever man goes out and searches for his happiness, the wise man grows it under his feet.

There are times when all you really need to do is give life a chance to work things out for itself. Why is it so hard to admit that you’re human and that some things in life are beyond your control? Is it really that hard to trust in fate just a little? Going back to my last adventure in paintball, I recall being the one who simply couldn’t just sit back in the bushes and wait to get found… I’d rather get shot than not participate and play the game. I’d rather risk my life than not live it at all. Am I such an impatient person?

My future awaits three airplanes, a change of career and a change of lifestyle. There will be emotional, professional and physical issues that will have to be dealt with and soon I will be faced with another of life’s unpredictable obstacle courses. Thankful is what I should be for the time of peace given until faced with such an ordeal. So why can’t I just close my eyes and relax until my ship comes in?

Because every moment spent where I’m not fighting for something feels like time wasted… because time is something too precious to be lost on mere breathing and because every moment that I spend alone without you seems pointless. You can be surrounded by a million faces and still feel completely alone; you can win a million battles and feel you’ve gained nothing and you can repeat things to yourself a million times and still not get your heart to listen. If I’m not fighting for something, what is my point in living?

I’m spending my time, wasting my thoughts and counting the days going by. Not every girl is as lucky to have her own apartment, her own freedom and being the boss of herself and whatever goes into her fridge. I enjoy the free time that I have to read my books, write my columns and listen to my music. Yet, all of it feels like the magazine you read before going into an appointment and all this is what I do to spend my time while I wait for you to join me in my adventures.

May the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need, the one that makes you happy and wherever you are, whatever you’re doing… make sure you’re enjoying it, only then will time truly pass you by.

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