Monday, September 13, 2004

In your arms.

Last night I dreamt that you were in my bed. I couldn’t run, I couldn’t hide and neither did I want to. My heart beat fast as I lied down next to you and I had to take a deep breath to control my hands that threatened to shake. The pillow was yours on the condition that I could lay my head on your shoulder. This simply couldn’t be real! So many nights dreaming, hoping and praying that you would be by my side, and here you were… in the flesh.
A human ironing board is the description you could give me. Too afraid to move, wanting to move closer but not quite sure how. Eventually I found a spot next to your chest that felt comfortable. My head began spinning just from the scent of you, I so badly wanted to lay my hand on your chest but was afraid you’d pull away. Bliss would be to touch you but rejection would mean torture.
Taking another deep breath I placed my hand on over your chest and awaited a reaction. My heartbeat faster when my hand made contact, the deep breath you took only prolonged the massacring anticipation. But you didn’t pull away and it took my every strength not to let out a sigh of relief.
Not feeling very comfortable, you changed position and left me feeling abandoned once moving your shoulder. I didn’t have the courage to try again so I turned around to try and avoid temptation. But your light breathing on my neck only made my skin burn even more for your touch and I was sure that if our bodies didn’t make contact soon, I was going to cry from frustration.
Further and further I tried prying away, but you came closer and closer… the huge thump of me hitting the floor shouldn’t have been a surprise and I was in two minds on whether perhaps it was a good idea for me to go sleep on the couch. The thought slipped out my mind as quickly as it came in... No way was I abandoning my own bed!!! Oh but the panic! It took all my strength to quieten all the opinions exchanged in my head.
Do you know how peaceful your face is when you’re asleep? How perfect your chin is in the moonlight? I shiver even in the heat of the night whilst getting back into bed with you. I didn’t mean to wake you but your eyes pulled me closer and told me to share the pillow with you. Moving in closer, our noses almost touched and our lips were an unbearable distance away. I couldn’t close my eyes; you were all I wanted to look at. How many nights had I stayed up dreaming of this exact moment? How many wishes upon stars, how many prayers? I didn’t want to close my eyes, I didn’t want the moment to end and your warm breath caressed my senses into sleep.
I awoke feeling you change position, you turned and had your back to me. Moving in even closer, I was left with the choice of either gluing our bodies or falling off the bed again… instead I chose to wrap my arm around you. No way would I be sleeping on that couch, and so I called upon my courage and slipped my arm around your waist and let it lie on your chest.
You drew in a deep breath again, and I held mine waiting to see if you would pull away. I prayed that you couldn’t feel my heart racing on your back as I felt you move, not the surprise I felt when you locked my arm with yours. I begged time to still and make this moment last forever. Your gesture meant that you would not let my arm go, and I wanted to thank you for it.
One last position change took me through until morning. Turning my back, I feared the fire in your touch and neared myself even more to the edge to avoid all contact. I felt empty without you but dared not turning back. My secret prayers were answered when I felt you move in close, the way our bodies fit in one another was beyond my concept and the sensitive skin behind my neck praised the warm caresses from your breath.
This time, I wasn’t going to run, and I didn’t think twice about reaching out behind me and making sure your arm wrapped around me. I traced my hand lightly over your arm. It felt majestic, so incredibly big compared to my own. You drew in your breath but didn’t say a word so I took your hand and traced it over my waist, letting it lie on my stomach right near my diaphragm so that you could feel my every breath taken in.
Nothing had ever felt so right, at that moment the world was perfect and as it should be. I long for a million nights lying beside you but I content myself with at least one night of sleeping on the clouds. Once feeling your touch protecting me, sleep came easy and the morning came way too quickly for someone who was lying in heaven. The last few minutes just before I knew the alarm clock would go off, I placed my hand over yours, hoping you’d understand my need for you not to let go.

Waking up is the hardest part of dreaming; the disappointment of the illusion has the power to break your heart. The sight on my empty bed haunts me now that my mind knows what it must be like to lay with you every night. My body longs your closeness, my skin begs your tenderness and my imagination invents other positions to discover about each other in bed. No matter how much I hug myself, I can’t shake this empty feeling and a cruel truth rings in my ears that only your arms can fill that void.
Sometimes, all a woman needs is to fall asleep in her man’s arms.

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