Saturday, March 12, 2005

He Love Me, I Love Him Not...

I once thought that the most crushing defeat a person can feel is being rejected by someone they love. Time and experience showed me that being the person doing the rejecting, can have an even more devastating crush…

Love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor hidden where it does.

He is charming, dedicated, funny and charismatic. He loves the same movies and music and shares your interests. Your friends love him, your family loves him and he worships the ground you walk on… only you are out of love.
They say you should marry your best friend so that one day when the passion is gone, you are left with a companion that makes you happy…
What in the hell do they know?!
Being with someone you admire but don’t love should be one of the biggest sins a human being can commit. If God rewrote the 10 commandments, I believe that this kind of treachery would be in the top 10.

It is absolute cruelty to both you and to the person you’re with to try and feign the feelings that make your heart beat, your blood boil and the world go round. To kiss lips without feeling, to be made love to without spirit and to say the words that don’t come out your heart is the same as digging the grave to your soul. As the days go by, you feel like something commercially made into what society sees as acceptable. Because he is good and he will provide, you are the winner of the perfect mate. He shall protect you, love you and cherish you and you are bound by duty to feel grateful.
Where is the love?
Where is the meaning in a relationship without sincerity?… because truth is not just a form taken by words. Truth is in the look in our eyes and in the touch we offer another human being. Truth is not what comes from our minds but what is portrayed by our souls.
To be with someone without loving them makes you: deceitful, dishonest, a liar and superficial.

So why do we do it? Why do we get involved with people we’re not in love with? Last night I was asked why it was that I was single. Without any hesitation I told the person that I loved my single status and that I did need nor want a man in my life. This scientifically intellectual’s answer shocked me into silence. She told me that at my age I am at my sexual prime and that my body physically craved a male. No matter how I denied it, on a subconscious level I craved the ideal partner. She went on to explain that this was the reason that most marriages failed after a few years; because once a man has spread his seed and made sure his mate was okay, he would then look for someone else with that chemistry that drives him to spread his seed again. This is why men have a hard time being faithful and why women fall for the wrong guys, because on a subconscious level we’re only looking for a good seed, or better said: a good lay.

I listened to her with great attention and without interrupting. The scientific reality of her argument felt like a bucket of cold ice water being thrown on my head. I couldn’t deny the truth is her facts but neither could I find the whole truth in her analyses. I closed my eyes and searched deeper before answering her. Although I respect her opinion, I simply could not agree. The difference between us and animals is the fact that we do not work on a subconscious level and yes have the power of choice and decision. I believe that whilst our minds and hormones rule our animal instincts, it is our hearts, our souls that makes us human. I confessed to her that I could not deny my deepest desire to have a man by my side, loving, caring and protecting me. That my body wanted to practice the Karma Sutra in the name of desire and procreation… but that my basic physical needs simply could not satisfy my soul’s.
I need and want more than sex. I want a partner in life; someone that I can share more than my bed with. Someone who I may not need to live and survive, but do not want to survive or live without. When the passion is gone, love must still be there. This is why I’m single; this is why I’m alone, because I will not settle for anything less than real love.

So this is why we do it, we get involved with people we’re not in love with. It isn’t just animal instinct, or the body’s desire to be physically pleasured, it’s because we feel the need to be loved, to be cherished and to be fulfilled. We want this so much that we’re willing to believe that the person who shares our interests can provide the love we need. It is a sad beginning of the end when we alter a friendship into a relationship that doesn’t share love from both parties. We allow ourselves to mistaken the friendship for something more, we so badly want to be loved that we fool ourselves into believing that love is what we’ve found in that person. Eventually time brings up the mirror and there is no denying the emptiness felt when we realize that friendship is no substitute for love.
Then comes the panic, the suffocating feeling that if we choose to continue as such, we sign our own death warrant. This isn’t just an asshole that we can do without, this is someone we care about who’s heart you’re about to break with the truth. Not everyone can face this truth, some people live this lie for years, some even die with this deception all so that we don’t hurt that other person who we do not love but deeply care about.

To hold on to someone that loves you but that you don’t love in return is to deny them and yourself the chance to find someone that can return their love. They will cry, they will hurt but they will be blessed with the chance of finding their true love.

We hurt when someone else hurts at our hands. The worst kind of guilt is that when you cause pain to someone without the intention to. We all know the feeling of rejection, of heartbreak and so why cry with those we have hurt and deceived.

It is so hard to wake up to an empty bed. Independence comes at such a high price when you have no one to share your blessings with. There are days on where I ask God to take away all my worldly possessions for the chance to share a blanket under a bridge with someone that I can share my love with. Every year whilst the fireworks explode announcing the beginning of a new chapter, I always ask that this be the year on which I find that one person to share all my years with. However, there is no greater loneliness and emptiness than the one felt when standing by a person that you are not in love with. And so I choose my single status and wait for something more than just physical chemistry. This I do, not just for myself but for the men that I care about am not in love with.

They say there is a hat for every head, a lid for every pot and a mate for every soul. If this is true why settle for second best, or deny someone to their chance of finding that person? I pray you all find the love that your heart seeks…
May the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need and most importantly, the one you love.

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