Monday, March 28, 2005

I Love You

I Love You

He stared me deep in the eyes and held my hand tightly. I wanted to tell that I knew what he was thinking and that he didn’t have to say the words. But instead, I let them come through his heart and out his mouth.
“You’re so easy to love that it makes it hard to love anybody else…”

I knew that having me and his girlfriend in the same room wasn’t easy. It wasn’t because he’d have to confess that he once felt something for me, it was because he’d have to confess that he still felt something for me. I could feel it from across the room, and I sensed it each time he looked at me. I knew that my presence confused his mind and his heart at the same time.

I’ve learnt that true love is never ending and that the person you fall in love with today, you will still love in a hundred years from now. Love doesn’t disappear or diminish, it is merely your soul that changes and tells you that the love you feel is not the love your soul searches for. Nonetheless, it is love, pure and simple and felt each time you see him or think of him. I know this because there are those that I’m still in love with, long after the story has ended. The confusion and chaos ended when I accepted my feelings understanding them for what they truly are. My heart loves them even though it does not choose them as its owner. I understood this when last year I saw my high school sweetheart in a different light. I looked at him and knew that I still loved him, that I always would but deep down I knew that I didn’t want to spend my life with him... that’s when I knew, that true love lasts forever and accompanies you your whole life through.

What hadn’t occurred to me at that stage, hit me like a ton of bricks this evening when I looked into his eyes. Here was the kind of guy I’d been dreaming about: kind, understanding, intelligent and with a great sense of humour. At first when he demonstrated interest in me, I’d been ecstatic, but as time passed on, I realized that there was something missing. We got along great, shared the same interests and ideas but lacked the magical pull that brings two lips together and so… to his disappointment, I decided not to push our friendship for any further relationship. It had been so hard at that time because I knew that he was the kind of partner I searched for, but I felt that there was a magical ingredient missing. Love is what I lacked for him and no matter how much he said that he felt it for me, I simply could not fabricate from my being what did not come out my heart. And this is where things had been left since I last laid eyes on him.

And now here he was, alone with me on the terrace looking and smelling like the kind of man you grab without thinking twice and looking at me with the eyes of a man who was ready to give up everything to try again. He looked at me through the eyes of a tormented soul, confessed his love for his girlfriend and then his confusion for the way his heart beat when he looked at me. I said nothing and let him finish, I hoped, that he’d come to the answers on his own. Instead, he told me that I was easy to love and made it hard for him to love someone else. Why? Because we feel that we cannot love two people at the same time. We believe that to love one person, we first need to let go of another. Silly are we to believe that the heart only has room to love one person. I needed to tell him what he soul needed to know. I needed to tell him that his heart was big enough to love many even though it was only capable of choosing one to pledge its true loyalty.

I must’ve confused him with the look in my eyes because I’d be lying if I told him that I didn’t love him. Is he the man for me… No.
But I did love him. I love the way he smiled and the way he spoke and the person he is and the person he will one day become. I love the way he twirls my hair in his fingers, the cologne he wears and the nicknames he gives me. I love the way he sees beyond the sky, beyond today and plans his future for tomorrow. I love the way he fights for what he believes in, the way he fights for those he loves and the way he quietly creeps his way into the hearts of those who meet him. Yes, I do love this man even though it isn’t him that my heart chooses to pledge itself to.

I told him this and hoped he’d understand, I hoped that my words didn’t confuse him even more and that he didn’t think me strange. But somehow he understood and we were both left with the most gigantic feeling of relief. The relief of a heart given permission to love. As I watched him go back to his girlfriend and kiss her with all his soul, I knew deep down that I loved him even more and couldn’t be happier that he’d found a partner to share his days with. Did I feel a little jealous that he no longer belonged to me? I guess I could have but I didn’t, because I know that a small part of him will always belong to me.

Tonight, it occurred to me that we fall in love various times in our lives. The childhood sweetheart, the boy next door, the teacher, the work colleague and the best friend’s boyfriend. They are people that we fall in love with but who our hearts keep as special friends. Perhaps the reason that I’m so easy to love, is because I love so easily. I’ve met people that I’ve fallen in love with in the instant that I meet them, people that I carry around in my heart. I feel lucky to love these people, because even in the absence of a life partner, I always feel loved.

To like somebody is human, to love somebody is divine.

Love Always,

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