Armed and Dangerous
I did it! I shot the little bugger!!!... And I used his own bow and arrow against him!
I’d love to circle my hands over the neck of the Greek moron who invented Cupid and Valentines Day! It’s that time of the year again when you’re officially allowed to walk around with idiotic smirk on your face whilst purchasing expensive gifts so that some poor shmuck knows you love them…
But don’t get me wrong… I’m not anti-Valentines… in fact I’m all for it! While the rest of the world walks around intoxicated by the commercialized disease, Sunshine has her fun:
Being dragged along by my colleagues into stores that are stuffed with heart and teddy bear trinkets… while my colleagues search for that perfect gift for their significant other… I search for my victim! It never takes too long as the feeble and lost are everywhere! I pinned my first victim at the stuffed animal department realising that his particular dilemma was in choosing to either buy the cute fluffy teddy bear with the red heart in the middle or buying the cute stuffed dog with the red heart in the middle. To put the poor fellow out of his misery, I decided to offer my expert advice!
Cupid’s helper (That’s me!): I see you’re having a little trouble picking the right stuffed animal to buy for your girlfriend.
Mr. Infected by Valentines: You can say that again! So hey! What would you pick if it were for you?
Cupid’s helper: The rabbit
(Constrained silence as he doesn’t realise that the absence of a rabbit was meant as a joke… stifling my desperate urge to burst out laughing, I clear my throat and continue)
Cupid’s helper: I’m kidding (followed by Mr. Infected by Valentines sigh of relief!)
So what does your girlfriend like? Is she a dog lover?
Mr. Infected by Valentines: I don’t think so; she’s got two cats at home.
Suddenly as if he was struck by lightening, I saw the light bulb go on in his head as he thanked me for my help, dropped both animals, grabbed a stuffed cat with a red heart in the middle and made his way towards the counter.
Not quite done with my fun… I got closer to another shopper who was obviously more concerned with his budget than the gift, on observing the teddy that he was buying he remarked to himself: “I’m sure she won’t need a bigger one than this”
To that remark, I simply couldn’t resist saying! “Well, you know what they say about size!”
I didn’t stick around long enough to see whether or not he bought a bigger bear but before I left he was examining the larger specimens!
People are such suckers on Valentines Day! I have to admit; perhaps the only good use to Valentines is finally managing to coax him\her on getting you that special present or to go out to that new restaurant you’ve been dying to try out!
Of course this is a time in which you can release your creative ideas… heart shaped handcuffs, silk boxers, a bow tie… and I even saw an original booklet with interesting vouchers:
“This voucher entitles you to a foot massage”
“This voucher entitles you to a dinner at a fancy restaurant”
“This voucher entitles you to sex in the backseat of the car”… they get spicier after that.
You have to admit! It’s one hell of an interesting way to spice up a long-time relationship! My only qualm is: Why wait until Valentine’s Day! Isn’t lover’s day everyday? Why pick a day on which you know everyone else is doing it too? (No pun intended)
Besides the fact that the whole day has been commercialized, it forces certain behaviour between couples that otherwise is supposed to come naturally! Why on earth are you going to wait until February the 14th to tell someone you love them? Isn’t it something that comes spontaneously?
My theory about Valentines: It’s an international conspiracy by the commercial market to get people to spend large amounts money on things they’ll only use for one day and look like goofballs while doing it!
I decided to refresh my memory on a little on the brat responsible for all this: Cupid, Eros, Amor, the Archer of Love… he has more than one name and only one mission: to create havoc! We’re talking about a little blind kid with arrows! How on earth can he guarantee a good aim?! Plus you can’t tell me that he’s not responsible for confused homosexuals! A menace to society, his mother Aphrodite was the love Goddess responsible for the Trojan War and his most notorious brothers are Chaos (Yes people, this is why love and turmoil go hand in hand) and Anteros (God responsible for the Gay population). Now I know you’re not supposed to judge a guy by his family but did you know that incest was rumoured between himself and his mother?
Who was the drunk that put this little dude on love duty?!! Alright, so he’s supposed to be the best-looking guy on the planet, and yes he looks harmless enough… but so does a baby with a bazooka!
His victims are either shot with a golden arrow with dove feathers or a leaden arrow with owl feathers. The golden provokes the lovey-dovey tingly feeling that makes us look as drunk-like fools. The other is the sobering effect when you realise that the person you bought all that expensive stuff for was shot by the lead arrow, and is indifferent to all your efforts.
But even Valentine’s Day is a question of perspective: how you see it and how you react to it. This year I’ve had the benefit of watching a two courageous hearts use this particular day to proclaim their hidden feelings. Couples are renewing their sentiments and many are using the day as an excuse to spice up their love. And even though Valentine’s Day should be everyday between people that love each other, I guess that the fact that everyone else is walking around with a lovesick goofball face, makes it easier for you to do the same. The world lacks love, so how could anyone possibly condemn a day in which we’re all allowed to express the heart’s most pure and natural feeling? This year, I once again content myself watching other people act like shmucks, though deep down my desire for them is that the “loving feeling” lasts them all year through.
Newsflash:… Being the son of Aphrodite and Ares makes Cupid a God which means that both him and love are immortal (yep people they cannot die)… so I guess I didn’t kill the little guy after all! This means that those of you also avoiding getting caught by the love disease… watch out for Cupid! The little brat is alive, armed and dangerous!!!