At the risk of your anger at once again sharing my feelings with the world, I once again jeopardize our “cease of fire” to tell you what’s been on my mind since the last time we’ve spoken.
When we were kids you said that I was stupid for wanting to be invisible, you chided me for having a low self-confidence and taught me in your own way to lift my chin up high. We said we’d never be like the other people, that we’d always maintain our honesty and sincerity no matter what… I still keep to that promise, do you?
It seems like a lifetime ago but I still remember, I still remember you.
I wish that I had a part time job as an angel, the kind where I could be invisible while checking up on people the people I love to make sure that they’re okay. Then I could see how you’re doing, I could make sure that you’re happy. It would be my opportunity to see you smile again, to look at those all knowing eyes of yours x-raying everything around you.
You won’t see me and we won’t have to say anything to each other… I’ll just feel relieved to see that you’re okay and if you aren’t, I’ll stay by your side. Even though you can’t see me, you’ll know that something that loves you is there beside you.
In the three years that separates us from the time we last saw each other, the thought of you ever so often invades my mind… at moments when I least expect it. I wonder at those times if you think of me too, somewhere deep down… I know you do.
At times I think that I’ve said everything that there is to be said between us, but I’m always left with the feeling that there’s something missing, even though I never know exactly what it is. You’d tease me if I told you this, you’ve always been very good at putting things behind you… or not? I often wondered about your thoughts when your eyes looked into the distance. I often wondered about that cold wall you put up.
Have you ever had one of those dreams in which things are so real that you can feel the touch and smell the scent of everything that surrounds you?
I was in your old flat last night. I looked for you in your bedroom. I saw your candles, your fish tank with your shark, your guitar standing next to the speaker and your bed just as I expected it: made, everything neat and in its place. When I couldn’t find you I began to panic, I wanted to see you so badly! When I walked out I heard you breathing from your parent’s bedroom. Imagining that you were sleeping, I suddenly felt sixteen again as my courage failed me to open the door. Afraid that you might know I was standing there, I ran to the sitting room and put my head out the window taking deep breaths as I found my consciousness. I’m dreaming! It finally hit me that I was dreaming! The flat, the flat that once was my parent’s across the wall, and the driveway on which you taught me how to roller-skate… none of it was real. I realized I was dreaming and that anything I said… or did… would mean nothing when I woke up. I smiled at myself with immense amount of pleasure as I realized that this was my chance to let my imagination and desires have free reign… no guilt or responsibilities to worry about! Suddenly I was no longer sixteen… flashback to twenty two, the age where I have the courage of my convictions!
I smiled as I tried deciding to what exactly I was going to do with you… so I marched back to the bedroom repeating to myself that this was just a dream… and not just any dream, a dream where I had full control and I knew it!
The bed was empty, you were gone. Slightly relieved that it had only been slept on by one person I laughed as I thought to myself “Had to be too good to be true!”
That’s when I heard you in the shower… all I had to do is turn around to the bathroom just across the bedroom.
I stared at the door knob once again reminding myself that I was simply dreaming, that no harm would come from acting out my imagination… and yet I feared you! I feared those penetrating eyes of yours, your sharp words… most of all I feared your rejection.
That’s when you opened the door from the other side. I took in a deep breath and decided not to point out your lack of attire since you didn’t seem too bothered about it either.
The smile on your face and the look in your eyes told me that there weren’t going to be sharp words or rejection and that it was my turn to make a move.
This was crazy!!! Where on earth did my imagination get all of this? Not that it wasn’t a pretty picture… oh I enjoyed what I was looking at!
The problem is that I was too conscious to make the move my hormones wanted me to make… It just felt wrong.
“I must be dreaming” I said, hoping that either you faded away or that I once again found my courage to taste the lips that gave me my first real kiss.
“I think we both are”
For a moment there, it wasn’t your face I saw… it was the face of someone else, someone I’m not quite ready to face yet.
Stepping into the space between us, you took me into your arms and gave me one of those hugs that had always made me feel as if everything was suddenly right in the world.
Mind you… I still swore at myself for not taking full advantage of the naked man hugging me! You’d think I’d be a tad more courageous in my own dreams!
A call to your parents put my mind to rest about your wellbeing. I would’ve preferred to call your directly, but we both know that we no longer have space for the other in our lives. The past is no longer welcome in the present.
Is this the year in which you finally marry her? I hope so, I liked her when I met her and she seems to adore you. Your brother once expressed to me his desire for me to be there; at your wedding… we both know that won’t happen. Though, I’ll be there in spirit. I’ll think of you as you pledge your heart and life to someone else and only you will see me sitting in the back rows of the church smiling, wishing you eternal love and happiness.
There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we’ll see each other again someday. By then we’ll be old, who knows…maybe with children or grandchildren. Will it be then that we finally say the unsaid words? I look forward to that day. Who knows, maybe our children or grandchildren can become best friends like we did. Maybe they can do things better. I know we won’t make the same mistakes our parents did when it comes to our children’s lives and their relationship.
Macy Gray and Metallica songs still remind me of you… I’m still trying. I know I pretended not to understand when you played me that song. Even though I knew you were telling me something I was too afraid that you’d tell me that I was wrong if I asked you. I wish we could both see what we’ve both become after all this time. You’ll always be a part of me as the man who defined who I am today.
Until we meet again, I wish you joy, peace and above all… love, the kind I’ve always wanted for you and me.