Sunday, September 25, 2005

Vulnerable




I hate feeling vulnerable; like a turtle without its shell… at times I feel like a fish out of water. It’s not as if I don’t belong… I know I do…
It’s like putting your feet in a pair of high heels you haven’t quite grown into yet…

The thing about feeling fragile isn’t the thoughts that go through your mind… thoughts and fears are so easily camouflaged. The hard part is keeping people away from coming too close, because you know that it only takes one word that might send you spiralling down the emotional rollercoaster.
For this reason, one develops a tendency to avoid sensitive topics and refrain from making new friends.

Every memory, every moment seems to bring with it a reason for a tear to fall. Because I don’t feel safe, because I don’t feel found… even though I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I can’t talk about it… even though there are those willing to listen, those who care about how I feel. It’s as if uttering the words will open a flood gate I’m not sure I can control. And even though I’m aware that talking is the first step to healing, I’m not willing to risk the thin wall between healing and losing all control. And so, I prefer letting it out… little by little; stream by stream, tear by tear rather than trying to control an ocean of sentiment.

Sensitive… Ears attuned to every word; you have to remind yourself not to misinterpret the things you hear.
Jumpy… as if three’s something waiting fall, break or grab you in every corner that you cross.
Frightened… of all the things that might happen and that you can’t control; invoking the desire to run and hide, pull the sheets over your head and never come out again.

I wake up each morning grateful to be alive… a tear might run down my face and yet I wouldn’t want to be anyone else, be anywhere else or live any other life.
I’m vulnerable… adjusting in my skin that belongs to the new life I’ve chosen.
I’m not any weaker, any less strong or insecure…
I’m just trying to find my feet again… trying to keep balance.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

How I understand you... I wish my arms were wide enough to hold you tight against me and wipe those tears or just lsiten to them fall on me. How I miss you. And how sad I feel that I can not be there for you now. And how sorry I am that our fairy tale didn´t work out for neither of us. You´ll always be one of my biggest tresures tough, and i´ll keep our fairy tale in my heart and remember that one day you taught me to dream again. So... put your feet on those hills, they will never be too big for you, you´ll always be too big for them, that´s for sure!!! Love you with all my heart!
From a faraway friend...

Anonymous said...

sun will always shine, no matter how we feel! and your nature is radiant, so you'll never be "cloudy" for too long! get some protection, of course, but be yourself, mainly for those who care, and support you! you're one of a kind!
KKK
W

Anonymous said...

On the day i've lost one of my oldest friends, I can only see the headline of this post and feel vulnerable too. Tomorrow I burry my grandfather, a man filled with faults but with a golden heart. I treasure the moments we spend togheter when as a child, he would rock me in his knees and things were simple. Sorry for the intrusion, but somehow I felt that you wouldnt mind if I paid tribute to a man that contributed heavily to make me the man I am today.

Clairvoyant

Chronis said...

Each person in our life, only passes, therefore each person is only, and none substitutes to another one.
Each person in our life, passes alone, but it doesn’t only leave, nor in it only leaves them. It takes a little of us, leaves a little of itself. It has the ones that had led very, but does not have the ones that had not left nothing.
This is the biggest responsibility of our life and the test of that two souls do not meet by chance...
"When we resign to our dreams and we find peace, we have a small period of peace. But the dead dreams start to rotten inside of us. What we would have to prevent, the disillusionment and the defeat, start to be the only legacy of our cowardice ", Paulo Coelho