Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dark Night

When someone you love is in trouble and there’s nothing you can do.
It’s like screaming at the top of your lungs against a sound proof wall and knowing no one can hear you. They may even see you but there’s nothing anybody can do.
And when you feel that destiny is not in your hands…
You feel small… impotent and helpless.
Time stops.
The air becomes heavy and hard to breathe and no matter how hard you try and think straight, you can’t stop your head from spinning to the point you feel you’ll either scream or pass out.
Lost… desolate and desperate… I searched my mind for a face that could relieve the stress or tension that I was feeling and I could find none.
I wanted to run,
I needed to hide
But I was motionless, stuck in a moment with no escape.

My dad…
He was all I could think of, the way he would hug and kiss all my hurts away and the fact that I couldn’t provide that loving care in the moment he needed me the most.
I could see his face, feel his pain… but I was too far to even touch him.
Heart Wrenching... Heart Aching… Heart Breaking…
So this is how it feels to have the floor disappear from under your feet…
Worse than the suffocation was the fear of being seen falling apart and so I summoned the strength to get up and make my way to the bathroom. There I was meant to wash my face and find the force of mind to get myself out of the building without being seen…
But before I could leave the corridor…
I heard a voice, and suddenly I didn't want to deal with it on my own.

I tried to say the words but I couldn’t utter them… to hear them was to turn even more real a nightmare I desperate to wake up from.
I sensed two more presences around me but I couldn’t take in what they were saying.
I saw their worried glances; I could see their lips moving…
And even though I wanted to reach out to one of them, I was pulled back the strength of my grief. All I wanted was to see my dad, they couldn’t make that happen.

I don’t recall at which point it was that I got a grip on my senses although I know that the first solid sensation I felt, was a pair of blue eyes pulling me back to the present moment where I finally began seeing options and solutions.
There weren’t many… but there’s always something a person can do… even if it was just pack my suitcase for the worst case scenario.
The strength in an embrace pulled me back from despair and gave me courage to climb the stairs and hope.

Alone… that’s how you feel when things are wrong and you feel helpless.
Because there’s nothing anyone can do, and you don’t want their pity or words of encouragement… they are of no comfort.
There was no one I wanted to see, no one I wanted to talk to... just dad.
All I needed was silence, and someone to hold me.

They say when times are dark, friends are few…
That isn’t true.
I found that I have more friends than I had imagined…
Once the panic passed, I found comfort in the smiles and support of those that care about me.
When you need it the most… God sends you an angel to keep you from falling.
And then a couple more appear to help you back onto your feet.

Thank-You to those who shared with me kind words, smiles and hugs... it was your support that gave me the strength to pull through.


unresigned said...

I told you then what i had to. i've been there!! It's ok now, hang on! :)

IceVsFire said...

Tu tens muito mais força do k pensas ter ...e por esta altura ja devias saber ixo...
na sei o k aconteceu mas aposto mesmo k nao estivesse la ninguem haviast de t levantar..
beijos e na te precupes no fim tudo havera de compor-se

Storm said...

I know how much your love your dad. I can only imagine how bad it hurt and its understandable that you feel apart - you cant be strong all the time.