If You Believe...
To all the lost ships, independent adventurers and to those that feel they will never love again: Allow this entry to be your North Star.
Whilst sitting down in a warm pub sipping my lemon tea, I was none too surprised when the conversation took itself into the love and relationships direction. Sharing ideas and thoughts, I couldn’t help but smile when my blue eyed friend told me that we shared a minor difference regarding our common way of thinking. The difference he told me is whilst I still write and believe in love; he on the other hand has stopped believing. Confessing that perhaps part of the reason is because he fears surrendering his heart to someone who won’t do it justice; I wondered in amazement why was it that he thought that unlike him I wasn’t afraid to fall in love myself.
I listened in silence while he told me how he didn’t want the wrong person in his life; I heard the spoken and unspoken words and reflected at how often I felt the same way. We live in a world where the responsibility of choosing our partners relies completely on us and therefore why not wait for the best? No one should settle for second best and so we don’t… we wait until the right person comes along. Even though my friend says he’s stopped believing, we both know that he’s merely biding his time… just as I am, until the right person appears.
This afternoon I couldn’t help the gigantic smile that originated from a call from a forbidden fruit. Although no relationship of commitment will originate between my married friend and I; we share a unique bond that allows an incredible opening of communication not often found between friends. Innocent flirting and spicy comments are only the sugar coating to the amazing understanding we have between us and I couldn’t help but confess how sad I felt after talking to my disbelieving friend. Perhaps I too have lost the capacity to surrender in love to someone even though I’m still fully capable of promoting the concept! The reaction I got was a huge laugh from the other side from someone who knows me quite well despite the distance between us. I was told to stop confusing the ability with the fear and that the ability is only lost when you settle for less than love. I didn’t bother inflating his ego by telling him that once again he was right, what we may lose with time is the courage but never the capacity to love!
A good friend of mine demonstrated great courage recently when the object of her affections for the umpteenth time gave up on fighting for the developing relationship between them. Divorced, and scared to love again, the man had already been burnt by her indecision and demonstrated his insecurity by pushing her away or hurting her with words that didn’t come from the heart. So in a desperate attempt to either make or break, she opened her heart and asked him to either assume his feelings for her and do something about them or set her heart free to love someone else. Words that were strong and sincere did not fall on deaf ears and before very long, our man found the courage to start admitting to those stirring feelings that make us feel week and dependant. That’s right, he found the “I love you” in his vocabulary and the courage to use it. Happy Ending? Not yet… whilst our hero found his sword, our heroine found her running shoes and is just waiting for the shot of the gun to run again. Why? Because she can! Because she’s intelligent and independent and has no need to stick around with second best… because she’s scared shitless of a relationship with a man whose not perfect… or perhaps is but is in love with her… a woman who is not perfect.
We live in a world where people are afraid to hurt and even more afraid to love and so it takes great courage to speak our hearts and our desires because we know that by giving our love and hearts to another person, we give them the ability to hurt us and perhaps even destroy our souls. No one wants to throw their pearl to the pigs especially when you learn how precious it is! But how much worth does it really have if you don’t find someone to share it with? I have absolute confidence that my friend will box her sneakers and give it to the man she’s fallen in love with… But I’m not that confident about the other 99% of the planet.
Part of waiting for the right person usually entails choosing someone who isn’t “damaged goods”… in other words, choosing someone who hasn’t been married, had children or been with too many partners. This way you eliminate the possibility of finding someone who has a history of pain and therefore a greater capacity of hurting you. Experience in failure never looks too good on love profiles now does it? But what idiot thinks that they will find a partner that hasn’t been disappointed or hurt in his lifetime, regardless of the circumstances? As I told my blue eyed friend at coffee:
“Love does not choose by track record; it simply generates from the attraction of souls”.
I used to think that I could avoid the less perfect candidates and keep myself from developing attraction towards them. Today I see things differently. I still believe that dating a man who has been divorced or who has a baby by another woman will still bring emotional hurdles. Because his past will always be a part of who he is, and the mother of his child will always be present in his life and his responsibilities… however…
I believe in love. I believe in the strength of love and its ability to survive these hurdles. What are obstacles in life when you love and are loved? Isn’t it better to walk a difficult road filled with obstacles but be loved rather than walk an easy road by yourself? Never underestimate the power of love between two people!
Love is for Eternity.
Even after twenty or thirty years? Damn right! Routine doesn’t kill love, it simply folds it neatly into a drawer and if you want to set it loose and wild again it’s as much your responsibility as it is your partners. That need you have, that desperate desire to set your hormones free… it’s there, under the façade of your lover.
If we are forced to start a new Chapter in our lives time and time again why should love be any different? Why can’t you feel true love more than once, with different people… or with the same person time and time again?
Time does not take away that capacity… it simply increases the fear and takes away the courage of our heart’s convictions. And so we hide behind our responsibilities and try and convince ourselves that our passionate days are over.
The key to youth and life is in your hands, for only you choose how to life it. You want to break free and love again… then do it! Love! Love passionately, Love recklessly and completely for it was never meant to be dissected or catalogued in the first place! Love will change form just when you think you have the full knowledge of its properties and functions.
“Is this all on your column?”… I reckon it should be my blue eyed friend if you take the time to read back. However if it wasn’t that clear before then it is now!
Yes, I’m a believer in love… a romantic idealist as many have labelled me. I too have been hurt; I too have days on where I wish God allowed me to reconstruct the male race and I too have days on which I feel that I can’t make the connection…
Fear, disbelief and a hard time surrendering… we all suffer from it. In a society that demands responsibility and consciousness, we try to control a feeling that was never meant to be controlled. And while our hearts don’t allow us the choice of who to fall in love with, it cannot force the surrender.
That’s right my friends, you are solely responsible for surrendering to love… To do so, you risk getting hurt or hurting someone else… not to love is to condemn your soul to merely surviving.
So go ahead…buy an extra toothbrush, place it next to your own and find its rightful owner… everything else is merely details.