Saturday, July 30, 2005

Midnight Walk Home

Midnight Walk Home

carla.ornelas@gmail.com

Walking out into the dark night, I attuned all my senses to my surroundings. It seems that the sky housed more than its usual amount of stars.
The shadows crept out to inspect what dared disrupt their peace.
Peace… Silence…
The only sound I could hear was the uniform beat of my heels connecting with the concrete floor. Until now, I never noticed how loud the sound is.
Starlight, city lights… darkness.
Taking a deep breath, I succumb to the night and let my mind wander…


My dearest Friend,
If only I could give you a pill, buy you the instruction manual, operate or even wish your pain away I would… I watch it eat you alive, replacing the shine in your eyes with a deep, hollow emptiness.
Your body is visibly intact but it seems to have been drained of your soul.
Standing there looking at me, I feel the silent plea for your rescue and my heart breaks with yours as we both acknowledge that I’m helpless to save you.
Talk… and I will listen.
It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it relieves the pressure.
I won’t bother with advice, comfort or tell you that I understand… we both know that they’re no more than words, incapable of mending a broken heart…
Nothing I tell you will make time go any faster, only time will heal the wounds left open since she went away. When love leaves it takes your heart with it, it takes away all concept of time and everything else ceases to matter.
I know where your mind goes when it drifts off. When you look into the distance I know the face you see and the eyes you seek.
Torn between wanting me to go so to be left alone with your memories and then wanting me to stay so that you don’t have to face them… I sense your inner struggle.
Love is known to be the highest risk one can take due to the fact that it is in direct proportion to pain. The more you love someone, the more capacity you give them to hurt you. And when they go away, they take that chunk of your heart with them… leaving you disarmed, to pick up the pieces and fill the empty holes with only time to help you.
I wish I could make it better, I wish I could make it go away… but I can’t.
I can listen, I can offer you my shoulder, give you hug and hand you a tissue…
All I can truly do is be there for you while time passes us by…


Walking down a dark alley, I stare at the reflexes of broken glass. It looks like someone dropped glitter drops onto the floor especially for me. I remember that when I was little, I was fascinated with a similar looking floor… black glistening… I loved going in the metro just to see the shiny floor… the metro… Lisbon…
Oh Lisbon! – How I so often force you out of my thoughts!
I can’t be allowed to think of you now! Thoughts of you always get the best of me at this hour, leaving me vulnerable and insecure!
I glance at my watch – midnight.
Midnight… on an airstrip in Lisbon, a plane is landing.
Where is it really supposed to land? Where is its home? Flying between Madeira and Lisbon does it know where its home is? Perhaps its home is in the air… between both destinations, perhaps it has no home. Perhaps I’m the plane: destination nowhere.

I interrupt my own thoughts with the sound coming from my chest, I hadn’t even noticed the song playing in my head until I began humming it… there’s always a song in my head, everything just seems to always link up to a song.
“…like the deserts miss the rain...”
Succumbing to the melody, I refuse access to anymore thoughts of self torture and began enjoying the comfort that the night offered me. I was almost sorry I arrived home.
Wincing as I hear the cold sound of the key fitting into the door’s lock, I’m overwhelmed with the desire to turn around and just keep on walking…
Where to? I don’t know… Does it matter?


My dearest Friend,
Tonight I tried to be the best friend I could be by being there for you, keeping you company and making sure you weren’t feeling alone… what you probably didn’t realise is that I was in need of our friendship as much as you were.


PS. To all my friends: Did you know that the sun is the closest star to earth? This means that no matter how far away I may be, i´m still your close friend!
Friends are like stars, you can´t always see them but you know they´re always there. Thank-You to all the stars in my sky.

2 comments:

Luisa Singer said...

sad... when you loose someone you love, it seems like the hole world around you is going to fall apart! but it doesn´t. it just transforms. I once heard a very clever expression: " if you love a person set him/her free, if he/she comes back it means he/she really loves you". that gives you a lot to think about. i think that if you really love someone, you want that someone to be happy no matter what. if that person is not happy with you, let her go on. if you can do that it means you really love her, and as much as it can hurt, you will feel a lightness inside, like a compensation of God. of course you´ll miss her once and a while, but it wont hurt so bad. but if you can´t do that, probably it´s because it´s passion. passion is deciaves you, blindes you, makes you feel anger, it revoltes you. if you have this kind of feeling you probably will have more trouble in letting go... untill the mirror breacks

Chronis said...

Why do we always love the wrong one? The person, the place...
Why don’t we, simply, love who loves us? Why can’t I???
A common friend asked to me if I already tried to do this... I’m trying and I feel that I’m not obtaining it... I feel that I’m hurting him the same way that I already was hurt, with the same words, with the same acts... And it aches... How it aches...
My dearest friend, how good it’s to know that you are one of the stars in my sky and that you will always be there to hear me, to accept me as I am, to say me what I need to hear... Always there, with your special shoulder, always the Dra. Sunshine!
Thanks for that, for all that and for being my friend :)