Monday, December 04, 2006

I Surrender?!

Photosource: Unknown

Is throwing in the towel such a bad move?

As I sat through a meeting today listening to someone who doesn’t know me, discuss my future as well as the future of my colleagues a pertinent question went through my mind:
“What the hell am I doing here?”

I realised the question wasn’t in purpose of the place or discussion taking place and instead was the question one asks herself after a year has passed after a big change.
I didn’t reach half the goals I set out for myself and both my career as well as my studying future looks pretty shaky.
The unknown doesn’t scare me nor do I lack the strength to keep on fighting.
I have what it takes; the strength, the courage and the resilience…
However, as I reevaluate my reasons for being here, I surprise myself with the question:
Are they really worth it?

Yesterday I knew for sure, today I’m not so certain.
The fact that I can’t give myself any guarantees suddenly begins to bear weight where once it was no more than a consequence of a risk I was willing to take.

Reach for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll land in between the stars. (One of my favourite quotes!)

On the darkest of nights, I remind myself of this saying and yet, I can’t seem to see any stars in the path I’m following.
So maybe I should turn back and learn to give more value to the stars I already have… or should I keep believing in the stars I can’t yet see?
Are they really there?... or are they a mere fiction of my imagination?
I’m not a quitter but do I have the good sense to know when to let go?

Blind Faith is starting to lose its effect on me.
Though it isn’t a loss of faith, but a loss in the meaning behind the reasons in which I invested all my energy.
Being positively inclined by nature, it feels strange to contemplate giving up… perhaps I should see giving up as taking a step forward.

For a whole year I’ve yearned for stability, for direction and the one thing I’ve been fighting against the most seems to the inevitable choice: Change.
Change is the only guarantee life gives though for some of us it’s more than a consequence: it’s a choice.
I’m tired of choosing change.
I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, with a bit of luck my changes become clearer and this time around I can say that change chose me…
Is it time to pack my bags already?

I’m still not certain… all I know is that to stay… I need stronger reasons that I don’t possess…
Maybe that’s all the reason I need.

8 comments:

Storm said...

What made sense yesterday might not make the same sense today. As we grow we change our priorities and our goals in life.
Its obvious that you havent made up your mind so you should probably reflect some more on it.
Heres reminding you that SA welcomes you back should you choose to come back ;-)

Storm said...

PS. I know you´ll make the right decision whichever it is

Anonymous said...

Hi swetie! If there's a person in the whole world I know will make a wise choice, taht person is reading right now these words... ;-) and smiling, I bet! Life is fabulous, in many ways and U R in one if those crossroads normal to Life... and remembering some words from last lunch, I agree with U! "What the Hell...?" "Nothing is more permanent than change..." and U change things, places and persons... by changing yourself!
Do yourself a favour and follow your gut instinct that was speaking in front of me in that lunch: "Go!" and remember, U have all it is needed with one plus, big, big plus - youth! age and mind! so many things you'll be able to do and accomplish... I wish... I'll feel better with your hapiness in doing things U dare to do and I don't dare now, or can't do... with the choices I've made!
Go for it! U only Live once! Get a Life worth of calling it a Life! Continue to dazzle and challenge all of us, and in between U! U deserve it!
KKK W

MissdaSilva said...

Sunshine!!
Have a long drink and a loooong night sleep!!
It's been bad... Ok!! But take it easy!! Specially on YOU! Forget the main goals for a whyle and please just be happy with the person you are and be happy for having a eart and feelings!!
You're just human...

unresigned said...

missadasilva said it all!

Sometimes thinking to much is not the way...(i'm not a good example, I know) but we all feel like giving up but the same reasons keep us in the track as strange as it may sound!

As Storm also said, I do believe that whatever you choose to do will be right! And you can always count on me!

Tomorrow will be a better day!

Lord of Erewhon said...

Bébé, tu tás é a precisar de levar umas palmadinhas na parte de trás da cabeça! :)=

Dark kiss.

P. S. Tu nunca ouviste dizer que as gajas inteligentes não arranjam marido? :)

CodigoVerde said...

Sunshine,
don't let those clouds cover your smile! Be cool. Think positive, as you always do...
Are the reasons to change that important tomorrow? Are they the right reasons?
Well, If you feel you have to...do it! I'll back you up.

Klatuu o embuçado said...

Vá... baixa a cabecinha! :)=