Ever gotten that butterfly feeling in your stomach each time a certain someone walks past you? After a while, when you realize you can’t quite shake that feeling you ask yourself the big question. What are the chances he’s feeling it too?
They call it. "The game"... and I particularly suck at it!
As far as I’m concerned, the whole cat and mouse thing is only fun when you know what you can count on, otherwise it’s just frustrating.
Patience is definitely not one of my virtues (don’t argue with me people... it isn’t!)
And therefore when that certain question arises "Does he or doesn’t he?"
I have to know.
Otherwise it keeps you up at hours which you should be sleeping!
So now that we’ve decided to cut-the-bullshit, let’s find out if the other side is listening to the same song; the big question becomes:
There was a certain guy I had a terrible crush on in high school which I never found the courage to tell him I liked him. The whole school seemed to know except for him.
Years later when I finally confessed, I was bummed to discover that the feelings were mutual and had I done something about them, my love life back then would’ve been more eventful.
This taught me a very important lesson: feelings are a gamble; if you risk it you at least have a chance of making a dream come true.
I was one of the gutsiest girls on the playground. I beat up the boys when we played kissing catches and I was the girl who could be found racing bikes, getting dirty and looking for crabs or tadpoles in the river with the boys.
I stood up to the meanest teacher in the school and I stood up to my very first boss. I’m courageous and I stand up for what I believe it, but when it comes to feelings, I’m as chicken as they come.
So after lesson number one, I had to find a way to let the guy know I was interested without dying of embarrassment. And hence I opted for writing "the" letter.
In first grade I recall getting a letter with the question "I like you, do you like me?" and a yes or no box I had to tick.
Instead of using that intelligent technique invented by a seven year old, I decided to write to the object of my affection a detailed essay of how I felt about him.
Needless to say, the results were devastating! Not only did he not share the sentiment, he decided to share my sentiment with everyone else!... He might as well photocopied the letter and pinned it on the walls so that people could throw darts at it.
Lesson number two: don’t put in writing what can and will be used against you.
After that I realized I have no other choice but to say the words but seeing as I’m such a chicken, I decided there had to be a simpler way of telling someone how you feel without melting in front of them:
And this time. the news was positive: he liked me back!
What saddened me was that later on, I had no facial expression to remember the beginning by.
Sadly, I discovered that the feeling only existed in either writing or over the phone.
When we were together there was very little we had to say to each other.
The break up was also inevitably: over the phone.
If you want to tell someone how you feel, you do it face to face.
And because it’s so damned hard, you take three shots of Tequila and your best friend in the background for back up.
The great thing about Tequila is that you feel great even after the rejection and that you manage to laugh in between sobs while your best friend comforts you through the rest of the night in one the club’s bathroom cubicles. (Thanks Buds, I’ll never forget the support or the hangover!)
You have to be sober.
So much so that you actually feel drunk by the lack of equilibrium your body suffers.
Your throat dries and your body shakes and you search that other person’s eyes for that look of insurance that tells you that everything is going to be alright.
Did I do it? Did I finally say the words?
They got stuck in my throat so tight that I could hardly breathe!
Ladies and Germs, I’ve pulled off a lot of difficult stunts in my life but this was by far the hardest.
But I just had to know... and so...
Deciding that if the feeling was mutual, he’d lean in towards me; I decided to lean in slow (with adrenalin, the anticipation is quite excruciating) as I hoped for the moment in which his lips met mine letting me know as Cher did that the feeling was in fact reciprocated "In his kiss"
I learnt that when a man cares for you, he comes after you. Women aren’t supposed to make the first move: so I’ve been told time and time again by women who are far more successful at relationships than I am. And so, we women are meant to wait and see what happens.
In which case... I’d go nuts, sorry mom; I’m just not cut out for this game.
I expect you all to come visit me in the convent! I hear there’s a good one some where in the middle of nowhere, Arrábida right?
I believe in dancing, I don’t mind making the first move as long as the moves are being made with me. I don’t regret my decisions, even when they end in tears.
Will I declare again?... I sure as hell hope not!... At least not anytime soon!
I have better plans for becoming a nun...
But I do know that I want to continue being the kind of person that faces my fears.
In that last case, I didn’t hear much after the "No" (Thank God that I got a straight answer: nothing worse than a "maybe" or a "I’ll think about it" - Yeesh!)
But I do recall being asked "Did I mislead you into believing I felt the same?"
At that stage I was too busy praying to disappear or disintegrate to finish a proper response but if I had the chance to go back and answer him I would have said:
"The eyes only see what the heart wants to see… and so when we care about someone, we take their every sweet gesture as a sign that something bigger might grow from there.
I could point out words, conversations and moments that I might have misinterpreted but what lead me to believe that you may feel the same way didn´t come from something I could point out.
It was the look I found in your eyes that drew me into believing that the magic I was feeling was staring back at me.
I guess I was wrong:
It must’ve been only a mirror of what I was feeling."
I strongly believe that what you feel is worth fighting for… truly fighting for and no amount of heartbreak will change my point of view.
This particular entry was inspired by someone who has spent two years caring about someone else who hasn’t assumed the commitment.
To him I say even knowing so very little or nothing about the story:
Fight… push her against the wall and kiss her. Grab her by the wrists and force her to look at you in the eyes and tell you how she feels.
It’s so easy to run from words, but you can’t deny the truth found in the eyes and in a kiss.
There are no maybes in the heat of the moment and if she truly feels the way you say she feels… she’ll surrender, she’ll commit to what she feels.
Worse than a "No" is not knowing for sure... the anticipation; the frustration of not having that person in your arms.
As for me… Analyzing my track record; I’ve decided to invest in a rosary this Christmas!