Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Heartbroken


He accused her of only writing sad things,
He was right.
She can think of a million and one happy thoughts, but few reach her soul.
It’s been months since her heart has genuinely smiled.
And even though she’s at peace, something remains broken…
Some things can’t be fixed.
Maybe it was never whole…
Maybe she’s just not good at fooling herself anymore.

But you couldn’t tell it from looking at her…
Her eyes still shine,
The warmth in her face will sooth you
Her touch will reach out to you
She’ll save you… but you can’t save her.

The book fair…
Once a year when some of my favourite things are put together in one big field:
Books,
Music,
Grass,
Children,
Ice cream and even the dogs made it!

To be pulled it by the different titles, captivated by pages of timeless stories and imagination… she walked from stall to stall in absolute glee.
She smiled at the couples, winked at the kids and pet the dogs.
She was happy.
She’d write about that… about that moment, how wonderful her day had been, what it meant to her and how happy it had her feel.

But then the evening came… and with it the darkness
And in the moonlight, the sun didn’t shine.

She wants to believe.
That there are more like him, like the eyes that saw through to her inside a poor lit Fiat.
How many heartbreaks had he gone through to be given the gift of inner sight?
Those who look and see beyond the cover…
“Am I transparent?”
No… he can see because he wants to, because he can…
And even so… the barrier remains.
He mistakens the light for hope.
She knows better.

Where Ice makes love to Fire and self pity is a non existent state of mind, a stubborn Taurus contemplates the new age crisis: Ladies wearing the pants and men subduing to the once-thought-of as the weaker sex.
Men either turn gay or weeping housemaids… and women…
They’ve become the independent species that neither need nor wants a man for longer than it takes to satisfy their sexual appetites.
Reverse of roles?
For those who so choose…

I’m one of those…
Stubborn, independent, opinioned and self sufficient.
I don’t require a partner that isn’t able to push as far as I do…
I can’t see any that can.
I’m demanding and I’m worth it.
So I’m alone, hard to catch, impossible to keep…
I won’t change due to the fact that I like myself exactly the way I am.

She stares at him at a distance and lets her mind wander…
Is there a man inside that body that towers over her when he stands close?
Are those arms strong enough to hold a woman; protect her and keep her safe?
Can he listen as well as he talks?
Does he know when to push?
Or when to be quiet and still?
Can he say “I love you”?
Can he show it?
Would he know the moment that she placed her heart in his hands?
Could he find it there in her eyes?
She sighed before pulling in the reigns…
Because he couldn’t see through
He couldn’t see her in a skirt because she’d never worn one… she never would.
He’d never know her thoughts…
He’d have to want to…
That wasn’t going to happen.
Relief.

The music is no longer romantic,
The romances replaces with fiction,
She avoids the daydreams and censures the imagination…
And yet…
She can’t fix what is broken…
And the joy she pours in is never enough to fill the emptiness.
She keeps her mind busy
To be left alone with her thoughts is to open the door to sadness
She meditates,
And in her centre she finally finds the exhaustion that takes her to sleep at 4am dragging her through dreams she can’t escape and the slumber she doesn’t want to get up from.

Speak to her.
What will you tell her?
Nothing you say will make the difference.
She knows this.
And when you regret the cruelty of bittersweet irony
That shatters your faith and kills your hope…
Just as you’re about to given in to darkness and desolation...
She’ll smile at you knowingly… and you’ll feel better
You’ll remember that she can take care of herself
And you’ll smile back with relief.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes! I feel relieved thinking about U! U re grown up (whatever that means), U re special, I know if U need U just call...
Now... not getting as far as U... that's another story...Is it a challenge? U know how I like them... and U... KKK
W

Little A said...

Being an opinioned and independent woman who has demands and expectations is a totally different thing from being a "new-age" woman who as claims neither needs nor wants a man by her side. You should have demands and expectations from the people that surround you, even more from your partner, but at the same time you shouldn't let those things keep you alone.
Sometimes when we search for the best, everything seems something less than that.
Don't lower your standards by any means if you feel they're at their right position but give people a chance to show what they've got. Receiving without having given something ourselves is something that rarely happens.
Life and everything in it is really quite simple. It's us who make it more complex. ;)

Storm said...

I admit that this entry reminded me of one of those complicated essays we used to study back in highschool. We never understood them until the teacher broke it down for us. Im not sure I understood the whole meaning but I enjoyed reading it. I feel you girl.

Baileys said...

Her thoughts are constantly reminding her, she wants to show her true feelings but knowing that she is just another page in his book of adventures, she still waistes her time hoping that he´ll write a love story and she´d be part of his happy ending.

She says that she´ll never care, she knows that he´ll finish this chapter and close the book but she keeps on giving him new ideas.

Everytime he´s about to write he´s last page, he gets out his note book finding that there is more to her than he thought. She smiles when she´s sad and she doesn´t care when he thought she did. He can´t describe her in words so he can´t seem to let go of his pen, yet.

Adventure or Love story, every story has it´s end and this one is almost finished.

I already know the ending but i can always make it my own fantasy!